Hey, everybody!!! Ace suggested I post this since there's more traffic here. I was on Recovery with Flyrec's Recovery, but new situations have come up, so here goes:

"My two younger kids are going to counseling. I am especially worried for my middle son. He has many anger issues and is so emotional and hateful many times. He will get angry with his brother or sister over the smallest thing and have a complete emotional meltdown. He will say he hates everyone, his family, himself and God and that he wishes he were dead. He is only 9. My youngest, the daughter, is 7 and she has some behavioral problems as well.
Hers are mostly boundaries (especially in regards to leaving other people's things alone) and some disrespect towards me. The two younger ones both want my ex and I to get back together, but especially my middle son.

This is some of what makes me angry. He and the GF, who may or may not still be in the picture, created this mess, and I'm the one who gets to deal with all the problems and issues resulting from it! I get to clean up!

So, as if the kids aren't going through enough, he has decided to quit his job and move to Ohio (we live in Texas). He says it's because he can find a better job out there, but I know it's because OW is there, I'm not stupid. So I'm sure that will be emotionally healthy for the kids. He's saying he'll get the kids for the summer. Great, whatever. More abandonment feelings and issues, counseling, etc. Will he be required to have CS taken out of his check and sent to me if he's in another state? If not, I'm screwed! Will he cry poor next year and say he can't keep the kids for the summer, so they will be without a father at all? Or will they go, and OW will be there, and that will be a very worrisome situation? Their whole affair and relationship has been unstable, unhealthy, and dramatic! She's on her 5th husband, might be divorced or might not, who knows? They both lie so much, there's no telling. Will they get married? She has major mental issues and has gone off on my ex-husband, physically, several times! What will happen when the kids are there for several weeks, instead of just a night or two where she can play the role of "the super-nice woman friend of Daddy who gives presents and is so much fun!" Will the environment be unsafe for the kids? Will they have huge horrible fights in front of them?"

Some changes since these last posts (I don't get on that much due to work, no computer at home). THIS WEEEK, he's not moving to Ohio, but going to a job interview in Oklahoma!!! WTF!!! So, his plans seem to change every other day, but I guess maybe the OH and OW plans fell through, at least for the time being! Next week, there may be another completely different set of plans. But, the fact is, he's trying to leave the state, he wants to run away. I asked why he was going back to Stillwater, OK, and he replied because that was "where he was last happiest." We lived there in the late 90's as I was going to schoolbefore we moved to TX. We were happy, but there were obstacles back then as well, but we were more of a team back then, totally committed to working it out together. Now he wants to go back to be "happy" again! Yet no concern for the children and their happiness.

My kids are doing better so far this week, but the 2 younger ones have no knowledge of his planning to move. I have no idea what this will do to them, or how it will affect them. I will not say anything until 1.) his plans are definite and 2.) he tells them, he should, it's his responsibility!!!! And then, I get to clean up his mess yet again!

Okay, does anyone have any ideas on how to handle my situation with the kids? Or any viewpoints, whatever? I'm open to suggestion!!!

Thanks!

Me, 34
EXWH, 34
Married 3/12/94
Suspected A Fall '05
XWH moved out 2/06
D filed 3/07
D final 8/10/07
son 13
son 9
daughter 7

NOt sure about any of the other things, but even if your WXH is in another state, his child support can still be garnished from his check and sent to you.

My oldest son's child support and visitation were done from TX. They had very specific visitation guidlines for out-of-state parents. You had to prove a good reason to vary from them, and/or it be agreed to.
Our visitation per state guidelines were:

Every other spring break, every other thanksgiving, Christmas break split on the 26th alternating yearly with who got X-mas and New Years. He got 6 weeks every summer, and he could have one weekend per month.

CS was calculated, you can find it online how they determine it. Most states require automatic payroll withholding through CSEnforcement. You can file with the DES or CSE agency to ensure it is withheld, and your not waiting on his generous spirit to send it to you. The problem comes when they get paid under the table.

If the kids are in couseling, the judge will take recommendations from the couselors under consideration in determining, Visitation, CS, and medical expenses, also who is responsible for the cost of visitation. Could be he could be required to visit in state, bear the costs if too traumatic for the kids to travel there. If he doesn't have that much cash left over then his ability to bring all the kids for all the time available usually doesn't happen (my ex never visited his weekend per month)

Best wishes, hang in there and take care of yourself and the kids.

Fled

I looked over my divorce decree, and visitation is very specific for both situations - while he is here and if he moves. I would never keep his kids away from him, but I do worry about whether the OW and him get back together and she moves in with him. She is not stable, and together they are both very unstable. The issue I have is that he may cut himself out of their lives and that he is trying to keep from paying child support, or as little as possible. I can see him moving, taking a much lower paying job, then telling me he can't take the kids for any extended period of time because he can't afford it. Maybe only seeing them for brief periods a couple of times a year. This would have a bad effect on my younger 2 children's emotional state.

And money is an issue. Until May of this year, I worked admin for large corporation. Although I'm smart, college educated, and extremely hard-working, I never got ahead or promoted. I was very stupid at the start of the seperation and just let my ex pay whatever whenever, it wasn't until May of this year that I got tough with the child support. At my old job I had great benefits, but not enough income to pay the bills. So I quit, and now I work for a small company, and my base salary is enough to pay the bills (barely) but we're uninsured because it's too much money out of my paycheck until I start earning some commission. I'm working very hard to close some accounts, but these do take time, and I only started this job in June. So, my ex will probably take a job that pays much less so I will be hurting even more. Just don't know what else to do!

Have a great evening, Everyone!

Me, 34
EXWH, 34
Married 3/12/94
Suspected A Fall '05
XWH moved out 2/06
D filed 3/07
D final 8/10/07
son 13
son 9
daughter 7

He should be required to help pay for COBRA, it's to cover you with health insurance. If you can't afford it, then he should be required to pay some portion of it. You can't control how much he will see the kids, even if it is detrimental to them, so sorry. You also can't control how many women, including OW he brings into their lives. Many men will try to show a decrease in income to decrease the CS they have to pay, most states will still obligate them to what their previous earning potential was. Just because they don't want to pay that much doesn't change if they willing change jobs to one that pays less.

Your COM still deserve what their father should have provided for them had he stayed a contributing member of their family and provider for them.

Flyrec,

So sorry for your sitch. Glad others are helping you.

Ace

Fly,

Your #1 priority is your children. XWH is going to fly from one idea to another and back again. Your kids need not know about any of that. Their reality is difficult enough to deal with without all of his "Maybe" plans.

Worry about those things IF and WHEN they happen. Be totally educated on the legalities of what is in your decree. Get good counsel on your options based on what you see as potential detrament to your kids. KNOW in advance what your options are if XWH does any of his "maybe" plans AND more importantly, your options in regards to them being exposed to the psycho OW.

Check with ALL possible local agencies, governmental options, church organizations, not-for-profit places to see what kind of support programs are out there for you. YOU are in charge of their welfare. XWH has proven he can't be counted on, so as hard as it is, it is all up to you. YOU can do this, but now is the time to take action.

You see the potential for what may be coming down the road. NOW is the time to prepare and arm yourself! You can do this! Forget XWH, do what you need to do and do it now!

It is understandable that you would feel overwhelmed and need help. Don't beat yourself up, but BUILD yourself up by getting into action mode! As many have said here, get in that MAMA BEAR protecting her CUBS mode! You will be just fine.

Hang in there!

Hey, Everybody!!!

Fled, thanks for the advice, but the COBRA option has expired, and it was outrageous. I am looking into other options right now, if only to get coverage for the kids. I'm also designing a budget and financial plan for myself and our family to make things better. It will be strict and very tight for several months, but then it will get better. I have never been patient or responsible with money, so it's important to change that!

Seems that everyone is correct in regards to child support being garnished no matter where he goes.

Bugs, you are too cool! Give it to me straight anytime, I need people who do that. You have the best thread, i've been reading it for 2 months now. I wish I had found MB a year and a half ago. I just might have had a clue. My children are doing somewhat better, although there is still some issues. I have spoken with teachers and counselors in the school, so they are all aware. I am trying to be more proactive in my childrens' lives, showing much more love and affection, not getting angry or yelling, and trying to reinforce the good behaviours and attitudes while discouraging the negative ones. It seems to be working. My counselor is good and works with me on money. I am trying to visit churches (I am not a morning person and not the best about getting up on Sundays), but I know we need God and His guidance. He's been calling me for a long time and I've been pushing Him aside for a while now.

Everyone is right. I had a huge depression and pity party going on the last few days, but my Boss helped put a new perspective on my life. She is actively involved in Ministry, and told me about a friend of hers who is a missionary and was in Cambodia for a while. In that country, people are so poor they cannot afford to keep their children, so they drop them off at the city dump, and that is where they live their entire childhood, ages 3 and 4. At night, the garbage truck comes and dumps the truckload of waste and trash and filth and thousands of children come and dig through it to find food to eat. They don't know of hope, dreams, or anything, and when asked what they want to be when they grow up, they respond they don't know because they don't expect to grow up. It made me realize that yes, while I have my problems, I have still have it better than 98% of the rest of the world. My children and I have a home, food on the table everyday, friends, hopes and dreams.

Sorry, didn't mean to ramble, but that story really got me when my boss told me. I just couldn't get it out of my mind!

Thanks, Everybody!!

Flyrec1973

Me, 34
EXWH, 34
Married 3/12/94
Suspected A Fall '05
XWH moved out 2/06
D filed 3/07
D final 8/10/07
son 13
son 9
daughter 7