I have a unique situation that I hope someone can help me with...it involves a lack of trust that has been in my current marriage from the very beginning.

After 15 years of marriage, my first wife left me for another man. It stung. I was 40 years old and single again, rusty, but willing to give it another go. I had three serious girlfriends before I met my current wife. Each one of them left me, two for other men and one because she was "sick of my sh*t". Then I met my current wife. She is fifteen years younger than me, and she is extremely attractive. I set about courting her in a very deliberate manner, making sure to keep my "sh*t" in check, so as not to scare her away. It worked and we were married two years later.

Things were very good for a while...my wife is somewhat shy and introverted and also a real homebody, so I liked that she only occasionally had lunch with girlfriends. She never wanted to have girls' nights out either, which suited me fine as well. All our activities were either together, with our two young children, or with other couples. This soothed my insecurities.

Then I was assigned to travel at work. I was away from home several days a week, and being away from my wife began to play havoc with my mind. My jealousies and insecurities that I had fought so hard with began to rear their ugly heads. I brought all the garbage from my previous failed relationships into this one. I accused her of cheating on me again and again...she protested, she cried, she begged me to go to counseling. I wouldn't go. I confronted and embarrassed her at work multiple times. When I was home I began checking her mileage and timing her when she went to run errands. I made her call me multiple times during her commute to and from work. I was sick and obsessed with her. I even took the door off the hinges to our bedroom bathroom because she would lock the door when bathing and that so infuriated me, that she would keep ME, her husband, away from her in such a manner. I denied her basic human privacies, and I am ashamed.

During this time, she fell out of love with me. I saved eighteen months of e-mails from her, telling me that I needed to stop...that she couldn't bear it anymore, that she didn't love me anymore, that we had to find some help from somewhere because she felt our marriage had become hopeless. She told me the only reason she was staying was for our children. You'd have thought that would have been a wake-up call, but it wasn't.

I tried so hard to hold onto her, to keep her from cheating on me like all the others. I thought if I could just watch her closely enough, keep her on a short enough leash, hold onto her tightly enough, that she wouldn't leave me. I realize I created an impossible situation for her. As our MC told us, you can't prove fidelity...you can only disprove it. No matter how much she reassured me that she was faithful, it wasn't enough.

Eventually she strayed. I hate that she did it, but in some ways I think, why wouldn't she? Why wouldn't she run to someone who didn't question her intergrity at every turn?

Her A was a short lived EA that involved some kissing. This was confirmed by the e-mails I uncovered. For a while this was enough for me to believe that the A did not become sexual.

Eventually though my untrusting nature surfaced and I began to doubt even what I was seeing in black and white. I recently asked her to submit to a polygraph test. She was unhappy, she cried, but she complied. I think she was just sick of me and wanted to put this to rest once and for all.

Well, she passed the test. A nearly two-month EA was just that, an EA with some kissing. No touching above or below the waist on either side, she never saw or touched his ****, he never saw or touched any of her parts, not even her t*ts or a$$. I was explicit in the questions I wanted asked, and she answered them to my satisfaction...absolutely no sexual contact of any kind.

So where do we go from here? How do I learn to trust when I never trusted her to begin with because of my own insecurities?? I am an older man with a beautiful younger woman. I watch other men fall over themselves to open doors for her and I can't stand it!! I feel like I will never be secure with her. I sometimes feel I love her TOO much.

And our relationship has been so damaged by my suspicions and prying and my general disbelief of anything she says. I have questioned her truths time and time again. I have insulted her and deemed her completely untrustworthy for most of our marriage. She is in IC right now for the damage I have done to her self-esteem and self-worth.

She is basically not speaking to me because of the polygraph test. She cried afterward, and told me that she knows this isn't done, she knows I will eventually have some reason to doubt even that, because I have never believed in her, not even in the very beginning.

She is thinking of divorcing me...

Beowulf

Oh Beowulf... I feel so sad for you and your wife. While she has been put through he11, you have put yourself through an even greater he11 by torturing yourself with fears. By acting on your FEARS, you have created a self fulfilling prophecy by pushing her away and making her vulnerable to an affair.

Your greatest fears came true because you acted on them all this time. Fear is so very damaging and so very misleading, isn't it?

This is not about a lack of trust, but all about ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR. You have used your fears as an excuse to lovebust her for years.

I would make a DECISION to stop this NOW, TODAY, Beowulf. You are not at the mercy of your feelings and can make a decision to stop now.

That means that you jump into the MB program, learn to stop lovebusters and learn to meet her needs. If you do those things, your marriage might be salvagable.

In the meantime, I would check into some counseling to find out why you allow yourself to be driven by irrational fears? When you feel a fear coming on, where is the checks and balances system that comes from maturity that helps you use REASON to determine if it is a rational fear or not? Where is that governer on you, Beowulf?

For example,I am terrified of heights. When I encounter a high bridge, I feel PANIC and FEAR setting in. I SO want to pull over and CRY and avoid going over that bridge. But, those feelings are quickly put into place with my governer that says: "you cannot fall off that bridge, it is perfectly safe. this is not a rational fear." So, I tell myself to NOT ACT on that fear. Can you imagine the he11 my life would be if I pulled over and whined every time I encountered a bridge? It would devastate my life. It is the same with you.

With maturity comes the ability to OVERRIDE our feelings. Feelings no longer drive the bus. And this is what you have to learn, Beowulf. You have no right to ACT UPON and ABUSE your wife for your irrational fears. You can see the result. You are going to lose your marriage if you refuse to stop.

that being said, BW, she should not be doing things that will AGGRAVATE your fears. Such as going out like a single person at night. As long as she is considerate of you and spends her leisure time with you, then I agree you have nothing about which to complain. But it is important that you don't go to the opposite extreme now and encourage her to carry on a singles lifestyle. That would be equally harmful to your marriage.

What should happen here is that you should both learn to be the others greatest source of happiness. That comes from learning to meet each others needs, avoiding lovebusters and spending 15 hours of QUALITY time together each week.

Have you read the book, Fall in Love, Stay in Love? Have you considered going to a Marriage Builders weekend? You would get tremendous guidance at a MB weekend and it might be able to turn this around. You would also get access to Dr Harley on this forum.


This is how a HEALTHY, loving marriage looks, BW, this has nothing to do with insecurities. A loving spouse does not go out partying like a single person, they spend their time together. Spending leisure time APART damages marriages, doesn't help them.


Being away from each other causes harm to most marriages. It creates detachment which often leads to affairs. Traveling jobs are devastating to even good marriages. While it may have triggered your insecurities, it is certainly not a sign of a healthy marriage to feel comfortable about traveling APART.

MelodyLane, thanks for your response. As usual, you give me much to think about.

You are right...I have no governer for my feelings. I allow my thoughts to absolutely spiral out of control. I can't make myself stop...I obsess and I can't think clearly...I become irrational. I have got to get a handle on myself. Maybe I need to be medicated. My wife is taking Zoloft to better deal with me; maybe I am the one who should be taking it instead.



Like I said, she's always been a homebody...that hasn't changed. She likes to spend time with the kids and me and she likes to read. She has no leisure activities that do not include me. She even asks me to go shopping with her. She has never been a partier or a socializer...that was one of the things that attracted me to her in the first place, this level-headedness of hers, this mixture of shyness and beauty and reserve. She is unique and I have never met another woman that compares. It plays on my feelings of insecurity, this feeling I can't shake that everything good in my life will be taken from me if I don't take measures to keep it that from happening.

Beowulf

Yes, you ALLOW your thoughts to spiral out of control. But I bet you don't punch the cop when you feel like it, do you? I don't believe you can't control your feelings, BW. You have full and complete CONTROL over your feelings. If you really can't, then you should be locked up. And I am serious.

And lets say your feelings do get carried away, you have full control over HOW YOU CHOOSE TO ACT in response. FULL CONTROL.

I don't believe you have tried.

Do you have a drinking or drug problem?