My wife and I filed for divorce in May. I am 40, she is 34. We had been living apart for about a year and still seeing each other. Our divorce is supposed to be final in December.We have two kids--11 & 12.

We called it irreconcilable differences. I was burned out, she was burned out, we weren't putting in the work. After we filed, we were still very close, talking every day, still the best of friends as we had always been. There was no one in either of our lives for about 1.25 months. Around that time, she threw her back out and I was working 12 hours a day and wasn't there for her as well as I should have been (I still took care of the kids during her surgery, and so forth). Either way,she was furious with me for what she thought was lack of love and caring. She was mad about some other things too (none of which involved infidelity or anything like that). About a week went by without talking.

Then the hammer fell. She met someone. He is also still married and separated. His divorce is going to be final soon apparently. Their relationship blasted off at a blistering pace and they completely flipped out over each other. They threw EVERYTHING to the wind--including our kids, AND his kids-- who they dragged into the middle and cast into a state of chaos, that finally culminated 1.5 months later when our daughter caved in one night and demanded she come live with me(my son was already living with me, because my wife essentially told him she couldn't handle him anymore about 8 months ago).

For those weeks leading up to that time my daughter broke (about a week and half ago now) I died and was reborn. I have never been through so much pain in my life. Her and this guy have completely fallen in deep love over each other and have already talked marriage. My wife even asked my daughter to be in her wedding (prior to my daughter moving out).

I pleaded with my wife to stop early on. She would have none of it. She POUNDED me with hysterically angry words every time I told her I loved her and did not want to divorce her.

Fact of the matter is, I never DREAMED my wife could do this. We had been married 14 years. In the end, I did not realize what I had in my wife until she had completely fallen in love with someone else.

She is shut down to the idea of being with me again.. but she is SHATTERED over the fact that our daughter moved out.. and has recently told me she is "ashamed" of herself for how she has acted. She also actually tried to break up with this guy last night apparently.. and told me today he is "heartbroken." But this didn't last long, because even after her coming over to our house last night and crying and apologizing to the kids for pounding her new life into them at that blistering pace, she has since canceled the weekend she is supposed to spend with them at the end of the month saying "I have plans to be out of town that week and need a break."

Last night and today were the first times in 2 months she has actually received my humility, admissions of where I went wrong in the marriage, etc. I felt she had finally been humbled and was taking a break, perhaps considering her family was more important than this guy.

But apparently I was wrong because they seem to be right back together today.

My wife is still shut down to the idea of "giving us a try again." I have prayed mightily and handled myself with grace, kindness, and class these past two weeks, even thought my heart is in a million pieces and and can not fathom moving forward without her. I wish I could turn back time.. but I can't. She seems to be completely IN LOVE and totally drunk with infatuation and adoration for this man.

Is it too late? Should I give up hope and move on? Is there ANY WAY she will see the light? I pray for her and myself and our kids daily. I pray God will soften her heart. But she seems so hardened and focused on being with this guy. It's just relentless and still will not slow down, even though BOTH kids are out of her life full time now

What gives? All advice appreciated on next steps

This site has lots of weapons to fight an affair. Your wife probably doesn't see what's she's doing as an affair since you two are separated and had filed for divorce. So, best not use that word.

However, her symptoms are those of infatuation and fantasy. This relationship is not grounded in reality, and her reasoning is clouded. She's also acting like a selfish twit.

Read everythign on the main site, including the articles and letters. Then, post this on GQII--general questions II. You'll get a lot of responses.

Good luck.

I am not sure what to say here...how can she be mad at you for not providing caring after you all already filed for divorce?
How can you be annoyed at her for finding another person after you all already filed for divorce (ALthough if she isn't divorced, she should not have another relationship until it is complete, but honestly you cannot be surprised that she moved on)

If I were you I would not concentrate on her getting back with you, but her having a relationship with the children. "DW, I am not telling you who to have a relationship with. However, if this is the guy for you then you can still take it slow for the kid's sake. You are caught up in the newness of it all, but to the kid's it is chaos.
Think about slowing down and shielding the kids from your relationships until it is well established, and then introduce them slowly. "How would you like to be a flower girl" isn't slowly.

you need to ignore this new woman who was your wife, and start leading your own independent life, continue on with the divorce, and spend as much time being a parent as you can. . .

your wife will come around in a couple of years, but by then you will have changed. . . she is way beyond coming back anytime soon. . . .

start living as a trusted parent, independent and single, do NOT date anyone. . . and when your kids are in college, then begin to consider it. . .

your reasoning? you will not put up with crappy behavior from a wife. . .. just let her go. . . she is not the same person that you married, and since the future is always uncertain, you will never be able to accurately predict what she will do, or how she will do it. ..

wiftty