Get some Harley counseling. This is a disaster.

How was he as a husband BEFORE the affair? I guess that would be pertinent to making a decision.

And don't call FATASS.

Well that's what affair partners do RT, lie to each other. He had to save face with her.

What did the NC letter say? Didn't it set her straight on what a mistake he made and how he desparately wanted his wife back?

Time for a NC letter that you approve of and mail.

RLT,

I am soooo sorry that this is happening. It is a setback of horrific proportions. I know how devastating it is to forgive and start to rebuild and trust just a bit only to be teleported back to d-day all over again.

I have but a few suggestions for you at this point. First, since Mr. RLT has agreed to take the test, think very carefully what questions you want the answers to and mentally prepare yourself for the answers.

Mind you, I am in no way defending Mr. RLT here, he has busted you back to d-day all over again simply because he is a coward. At least that is how I see it.

I suspect that just like Skirmisher, he has believed all along that if you knew the whole truth about the things he has done, you would have divorced him. If what he is hiding is all prior actions and inappropriate behavior culminating in his most recent affair, then he is much like Skirmisher has been. Too scared to be 100% honest until forced into it.

I sense that you are right about where I was just a few months ago. When we started counseling with Jennifer Chalmers, I was skeptical that there was anything that could help us.

What helped alot for us was Skirmisher posting here and telling the wise folks just what he had done to bring us to the brink of divorce. He honestly didn't think that his offense was that serious. He thought that I was overreacting. He got lambasted and he heard. And most important he learned.

Mr. RLT....if you are reading this.....wake up, what you have done is once again pull the rug out from under your poor wife. After a point, for a BS, it isn't about the SF, it's about the lies. And you have continued to lie to RLT. I don't know what she will do with the information obtained from the polygraph, I don't know what I'd do in her place. Do yourself and her a favor and tell her everything now so that it only needs to be verified by the polygraph. Maybe it will help just a little.

Who

RLT,



I felt the exact same way. However, I had decided that regardless the outcome of my decision to stay, I still wanted to know the truth. Reconciliation now, or in the future, wouldn't have been possible without it for me.


Good question. I've been thinking that it was a false sense of self preservation, immaturity, and just plain ole selfishness. I could probably give some more reasons but those are the main things in my mind.





I guess he didn't want you to divorce him.



Again, I understand. And actually, remembering to breathe is important with this kind of trauma.



And I agree with Believer. I wouldn't call the fatass just yet, or maybe never. The internet OW #2 that my H was having a sexual affair with UP UNTIL A MONTH BEFORE D-DAY, I did talk to her via e-mail to get her side of the story. It took everything I had not to tell her what a disgusting slut she was. Now that I think about it, I should have after I got my info from her. I would hold off until you have more time to think all of this through.

RLT,

He lied...

Yep, that's what someone involved in an affair does.

He lied to OW...

Simply typical.

He lied to OW to break off the affair...

His choice was "I'm a total moron and you're a skanky b*tch so I'm going to try to beg my wife to take me back.." That almost sounds so pathetic she might try to talk him out of it.


He has yet to come completely clean regarding details of the affair...

Should we all compare notes to see when we were sure we knew everything there was to know about the affair that destroyed each of us.

MrRlt,

If you are lurking this afternoon I must tell you that at this point you have one and only one chance and that is to come clean totally, completely with nothing held back and do anything and everything within your power to make it up to her and convince her why she shouldn't send you packing.

It's too late to save face. It's too late to soften the blow. It's too late to figure out a way to solve it by waiting. Too many lies have been told and too much energy has been wasted to get to this point only to have everything fall apart.

Latest revelations have reset RLT's recovery timer to zero as if she just found out about the affair for the first time. You can't just move forward. You have to find a way to make it up to her at this point. It's one of the consequences of what you did. You can be forgiven, but must still pay the price if you want your marriage to survive.

Your only option is to lose your wife after a year of her working to save your marriage. That is not going to go well for you in a divorce which is where this is leading unless you have an epiphany and get busy.

Mark

Agree.



Agree again. And actually, depending on what he's told her and what he may have left to tell her, it'll be much more devastating than her original d-day. Now, she'll have a hard time believing anything that comes out of his mouth for quite some time to come. Actions are the only thing that will see you through this RLT. And lots of them.



Ditto here too. The betrayals with OW that my H had had, were prior to d-day.



And I like to add, again, that this is also the beginning of a true recovery for you. However, it will take a lot of sincere action on your part for quite some time to come to gain RLT's trust back. And in true recovery, you won't be pressuring her to trust you. She may never be able to. Your focus should be on being trustworthy, period.

He's a liar.

Mr RlT..you are a habitual liar and serial adulterer.

I would not be suprised at ANY depths nor would I be willing to believe I had reached the bottom of the hole.

There could be a trail of dead hookers in every town you visit for all I know, I have no reason to think that you are anything other than 100% predator.

RLT...

Please, if it has failed you in the past..PLEASE demonstrate some self preservation and self respect NOW and stop being reasonable and helpfull?

I vote separate from him and let him go to YEARS of counseling and YEARS of demonstrating without hope of reconcile or gratification that he is willing to be honest, invested, committed and address his personal issues.

If you do not do this..if you are willing to once again after MANY betrayals bend over and tolerate this then I really don't know what to tell you other than I sure do wish you'd make a choice to stop drowning.

He Is A Liar.

Stop listening to him. Let Wormtongue deal with his own problems for awhile.

Mini TJ here....

Hi Mrs. W.

Thank you, I pray he gets there too. He has made some big changes but we still have a ways to go. Consistency over time, working through the pain, and being valued above all else is what I need. He seems to be working on that now.

At this point, I'm still processing all the new info and allowing myself time to do it. I am also allowing myself, and him, time to see what his actions are.

((RLT))
I am so sorry.

I'm almost as angry about what Mr.RLT put you through this weekend, as for all the actions before. You were gaslighted.



IMO, this was amongst his cruelest actions. Trying to make you doubt yourself. Trying to manipulate you into silence. Blameshifting the problem to YOU, when its been HIM all along. He put you through this, just to hide his secrets.

You deserve the peace that comes from honesty. You deserve the dignity of him telling that piece of trash the truth. He has been incredibly disrespectful. He has a LOT to make up to you.

I'm sure you are in a whirlwind of emotions. You don't have to make any decisions right now. And give yourself space if you need it.

Mark,



How true that is. I for one don't think I'll ever know the whole truth. But for me, I made the mistake of talking to OW and because she knew the A was over and because she "was in love" with FWH, she very cleverly planted seeds of doubt of such a nature that my FWH would have trouble proving that they were false. Perhaps because she still hoped I would throw him out and he would come running to her.

Who

If you settle for this it will be settling in fear of change, not because it is your honest choice.

You won't be happy with that RLT.

Let go of feeling responsible for everyone end every outcome.

Let go and be emotionally honest with yourself.

It is not OK that he was checked out for your whole marriage.

It is not OK that he cheated on you several times.

It is not OK that he lied to you.

It is not OK that he treated you with contempt and no respect during the bits of your marriage that he was present.

It is not OK that he controlled your choices with deceit and manipulated you to avoid consequences for himself.

It is not OK that he used your "mercy" in reconciling to continue that behavior until he was busted.

It is NOT OK and it MATTERS. Your loss is REAL and measured in YEARS.

You have given first, second, third, and fourth chances to take step ONE.

He has been unwilling for YEARS to take step one.

It is not unreasonable to require him to take steps 1-10 before you even CONSIDER reconcile with him...in fact it is the ONLY safe thing to do.

You need to get away from him RLT.

He is a liar and manipulator and crazymaker.

He knows how to make you doubt yourself.

Get away from him before you make any decisions.

Have no contact with him long enough for YOUR withdrawls to be over before you make any decisons.

If she gets away from him long enough for her to get through withdrawals, (at least 6 months) she won't want him back.

So you are right, it is about fear of change.

Yes, I mostly agree.

I'm not ruling out the potential for a miraculous event to occur but I don't expect one.

If she were to leave, and see that everything would be alright...that her life would WORK...without him..she wouldn't want back in.

I am literally COUNTING on that fact in being probably very annoying to her and holding that mirror up very high and very loud.

No one would volunteer to live this way.

She was young and ignorant before when she lowered her standards to accept his crumbs.

She has been miserable and resentfull ever since.

She has held onto to hope that there was possibility.

Hope is not a plan.

This is about comfort, familiarity, and fear of the unknown.

But the KNOWN is so ugly and horrible that any unknown must surely be no worse and at least you are safe and sane.

If a miracle happened and he was willing to actually follow through and DO these things without guarantee or encouragement from her..then they'd have a shot at a REAL future.

If he's NOT willing to do that under threat of immediate loss...if he's WILLING to just let her go and go on his merry way since she's not available to be used anymore...

Then she's better off without him.

I am very sad for you, RLT.

About the other affairs that are just now coming to light, were these before the one you have been dealing with, or simultaneous to the one you knew about, or even more recent?

so many thoughts going through my head.

I'll be more detailed, and more blunt here:

1) Before M (and 3 years into our relationship he had a ONS with his friend's girlfriend in the back of his van.

2) During marriage, he engaged in inappropriate kissing with three women, one during a party at our house while I was pregnant and with out 2 year old, gone 2000 miles to let the grandson visit HIS parents. Another of the incidents happened with a woman from his work while I was pregnant with third child. He claims that they both had "feelings" for each other as well as kissing.

3) a BJ performed on him by a girl at a party to which I obviously was not present.

4) A ridiculous fantasy love addiction with a woman he met in college (oh, I was his GF then, too, so he cheated there. They kissed, no sex. He wrote poetry and songs to her for 25 years.

5) And of course we can't forget his hootchie mama from the internet, the full blown A that last not 8 months (as I was led to believe, but more like 14 months).

This is what I know so far.

I'm sure there is more.

Man RLT, I am so sorry. This is so much to have to get over.

yeah, chrisner. It is.

Wow, am I understanding that all these happened after you and he were together? What a hard blow! It's amazing that the idea of a lie detector test brought all of this to light. How long do you feel in your heart, has he truly been in NC with all of them?

Mr. RLT,

If you want to recover yourself, you would be doing yourself a huge favor by checking out RecoveryNation.com. There you will be able to see what is wrong with your core values and learn how to overcome them so you don't continue to destroy your life and everyone else's around you.

If you even want a chance with RLT, which you don't deserve since the first time you cheated on her, you will put everything else aside and work the RN program and put your fears and pain aside and help her. You also have to be willing to NOT "give into your immature emotions" and coward out because it's so hard. Don't even tell her the first time that you don't think you can do it. Do tell her that she "is worth going to the ends of the earth to fix it for" but don't expect her to believe a thing you say. Your words mean nothing to her now, only your actions. The more and the quicker the better.

Give her all the space she needs. Pick up her slack because she will be numb and disoriented for months because of you. Please help her clean up your mess regardless of what she feels or decides to do.

Each and everyday you don't do everything you can to fix this, the less chance you'll have with her. I know from experience. If you truly love and value her, none of the above should be any problem at all. In fact, you would be doing it urgently and willingly.

OMG RLT.....I am so sorry.

RLT,
I'm so sorry yu had to hear all of this, but you asked for the wholes truth, did you not?

to the point of insisting he took a lie detector test, right?

So now he has revealed all(?) and you are rightfully devasted by the results. Would you have been less devastated if all were revealed to you in the test?

The question then becomes, from this point on, is how safe will it become for your FWH to become HONEST with you? If you react in a manner that demonstrates to him, that it is detromental to him to be honest, you will never hear honesty again from him. He will simply say to himself, "it is a major liabilty for me to do so.

You asked for and insisted on honesty. How ready were you to hear it??

I know this will smack in the face of what others have posted to you, but that is MHO.

Having received his honest effort here, "what will you do with this?"

The choice is yours, but it will define everything and anything you get from him in the future. Let him know exactly how powerfully he has hurt you. Express it freely.

Then decide what you will allow and not allow in your life. If it's D, so be it. All I'm saying, is you have other options, much better than D. You could, with god"s help, actually reach R in your M. But you have to be open to it.

All Blessings,
Jerry