When a person takes a polygraph test, four to six sensors are attached to him. A polygraph is a machine in which the multiple ("poly") signals from the sensors are recorded on a single strip of moving paper ("graph"). The sensors usually record:

The person's breathing rate
The person's pulse
The person's blood pressure
The person's perspiration
Sometimes a polygraph will also record things like arm and leg movement.
When the polygraph test starts, the questioner asks three or four simple questions to establish the norms for the person's signals. Then the real questions being tested by the polygraph are asked. Throughout questioning, all of the person's signals are recorded on the moving paper.

Both during and after the test, a polygraph examiner can look at the graphs and can see whether the vital signs changed significantly on any of the questions. In general, a significant change (such as a faster heart rate, higher blood pressure, increased perspiration) indicates that the person is lying.

as I said...I am not really sure of the accuracy of the VP...I would go with your instincts and your level of comfort with the examiner.

RLT,

Am thinking of you. BTW, MR RLT needs new friends, cause the one who called you is a sleezeball, X2.

Who

Your WH's friend has the wayward mindset. Please disregard all that he said to you. It is not credible.

Your WH owes you a LOT, and his honesty is just the tip of the iceberg.

You deserve to build your life or your marriage on a foundation of honesty. For anyone to tell you different is ridiculous!

You have EVERY RIGHT to know the truth. And these are not sins of the past. His lying and omissions are CURRENT sins.

Hmm... Does that friend have a special hotline to God that the rest of us don't know about? Has he actually confirmed with God that your H has been forgiven?

Perhaps that friend of your H needs to be reminded that both dishonesty and pride are sinful - ask him if he thinks God would forgive someone who actively chooses to continue sinning??



Ah... the WS-mindset. That explains it.

Rltraveled,

First of all I want to say that although I didn't follow your story, I have read your posts on other threads, and you are a very bright and intelligent woman.

Your WH has never been honorable. He is not a husband who was honorable for years and then fell into an affair out of character because of poor boudnaries. His behavior has been disgusting. (getting a BJ at a party while his wife is pregnant and visiting his parents, is just disgusting behavior not to mention all the other).

I was with a liar and a cheat, who had the character of an alley cat as well. And I have to tell you I thought I was in ******. I thought I was crazy and stupid. I thought I was a POS. And he let me feel this way. He looked me right in the eyes and lied to me when I begged him to tell me the truth and was literally falling apart because I thought I had lost my mind.



Others may disagree, and you may as well, but I think the kindest thing your WH could do at this time is to leave your house for a while until you can think clearly and make a decision. Also, so the darkness that as descinded upon your home and that is affecting your children can be replaced with a sense of calmness, and happiness. Your kids need to see a mom who is not slowly going insane and racked with pain and uncertainty. You need some time with him gone.

Rltraveled, I would never suggest divorce where children are concerned, except in special cases, and I am not suggesting that to you, but I am suggesting he leave until which time you are healed enough to deal with him again.

I think Kayla's advice and example of what she did to heal and recover and see positive change in him, is exactly what you should do.

RLT...I will agree with one thing here. You need to stop being a victim here. Your smoking is your decision...not eating..your decision. YOU are the only one that will take care of you.
Why are you giving a known adulterer the time and consideration to make you feel like crapp. I am sorry...but there is no reason that YOU should have allowed that conversation to go on for more than 1 minute.
Next...your H is a liar...and look at the company he keeps. IMHO, you would do well to skip the polygraph and head right to divorce. You should hire a bull dog attorney and let loose on your H. You have given enough chances here for 3 lifetimes.
ONLY if you want to recover the M should you be entertaining the polygraph. If you feel that you want to recover...get the test scheduled and done NOW. No more talking about it...no more negotiations...just do it. Let your H know that if ONE MORE lie is found out as a result of the test...his chances have run out. He needs to come clean now if he wants any chance at recovery.
YOU need to start taking control of every aspect of YOUR life starting NOW...this very minute.

yes, yes, yes.

{{{{{RLT}}}}

I have been following your struggle for awhile now. You have had this feeling that your h was still hiding things from you and you kept pushing for those answers. I admire you for that. I also believe there is more to what I know about my h however I have given up on every knowing and knowing that we can never build the kind of marriage that would be possible with everything out in the open.

I do not believe your marriage had a chance with the secrets and lies your h was keeping from you. How could he build intimacy when he was witholding information? He couldn't, it was a marriage built on shifting sand.

Now you have the chance to find out if there is more or if he has told your everything. If you decide at a later time that you want to rebuild your marriage than you can build on that strong foundation. You won't feel like there is somethin out there that is going to come up and bite you again when you least expect it.

Do not let his friend turn this around on you. What you h did and the withholding of information from you relies soley on your h. He could have done things differently but chose not to. You cannot build a future on lies, however you can build a future on honesty. I believe that yes God forgives our sins when we confess however I also believe that we need to go to the person that we have injured and also ask for forgiveness.

I pray that you feel God's arms wrapped around you during this time and that you can feel strength and comfort during this time.

RLT,

I am truly sorry to see you where you are. Is there any relief on some level that you knew there was more but didn't know what?

I agree with medc, choose to take care of yourself and provide a calm, loving envirnment for your children.

I looked up on line Poly vs. voice lie detector tests. You may want to check out www.polygraph.org/voicestress for information.

All the best,

i am crying uncontrollably right now.

I can't breathe.

everything hurts.

all my hopes have been taken away.

[[[[[[RLT]]]]]]]

I was there not that long ago. It's been what? Two months maybe or less?

It hurts like ****** now, I know.

Breathe Rlt, breathe.

My advice, take it or leave it. I kicked my H out of the house when I found out. I did it that night. I had to. I had to be able to think without him near me. I was hurt and confused and his very presence made me want to strangle him for the pain and loss of hope that he caused me.

Kick him out and start taking care of yourself. If he is worth anything as a man, he will do this for you without one ounce of hesitation and defensiveness. He also needs to take care of things for you while you are trying to pull yourself together. NOTHING should be more important to him than him giving you what you need right now, and for a very, very long time to come.

Remember, you don't have to make any decisions now.

Mr. RLT what the f are you doing right this very moment to take care of a woman that you injured so badly?

Make sure you tell your friend to NEVER say another word to your wife that doesn't begin with I am sorry.

Are you proud of yourself?

Ask your wife what you can do to help ease her burden ... then do it.

i'm trying to breathe, mopey.

i was just starting to feel good again.

i hate the OW. I hate her. She is a deplorable excuse for a human being.

I can't kick him out. We have no money. He spent it all on her, and his fun in the affair.

I know. I know you feel hopeless now and that's very understandable. Your marriage may still have a chance, if you want it to, but not unless your H wants true recovery. BUT, you do not have to think about it now.

As far as your H not having enough money to go someplace else....well, that's just too bad for him. He can go stay with his friend who called you, which I think btw is a real pr*ck. He can sleep in his car for all I care. His needs are not that important right now. And, he doesn't need you to have to worry about any of it. He needs to figure out what to do on his own, right now, for you.

And yes, the OW is a sorry excuse for a human being. However, it is your H that deserves the full blame. The OW didn't have vows with you, he did.

I agree with everything Medc said to your H. What is Mr. RLT doing right now for you?

Then he needs to get a second job and start replacing some of that money.

I see by your sig line, he had no trouble moving out twice before, though.

I don't think any of this means all hope is gone, rlt. Maybe it means it is the end of way you have been living all this time. Maybe it means a new beginning. I would seriously take Mopey and Kayla's posts to heart.

You are going to get through this rltraveled. Just like everyone on this board. I hope Orchid stops by.

weaver,
he already has a second job. According to him we are still sinking. He has a tax bill from the 401 withdrawal. I don't know what it is. I don't want to know.

Everyone,

I am sure he is reading.

Can someone PLEASE try and explain to him that this revelation, though extremely painful, was necessary.

I get the distinct feeling that he thinks if this had never come out, we would be doing great right now. He keeps saying stuff like, he was just trying to restore his family. He came back to us. He chose me over her in the end. It's like he wants a medal or something.

He DOES NOT understand how devestating this lie is. He thinks he was protecting me. I think he actually still thinks that he was doing the right thing by keeping it from me.

Can someone gently, objectively explain to him what this is really all about?

He won't accept it from me.

Lies protect no one except the liar.

The fact is you were being hurt every single day that he betrayed you. You have the distinct right to make decisions for your own life based on the truth...not to be fooled into thinking things are okay. NO ONE...NO ONE ...has the right to hold the truth back from you. Your H still has a wayward mindset if he feels that lies were protecting you.

This is all very sad.

I'd be happy to explain it to him.

One on one even.

The bottom line is that he was NOT protecting YOU.

Protecting YOU would have looked like being a faithfull man invested in his family and participating in the actual real life that he chose.

He was protecting HIMSELF and his ability to make choices without accepting the consequences.

Trueheart's Letter

Thank you for taking the time and effort to read this letter. I am writing this in hopes that your BS has brought you here in order that you might understand you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. It is intended to give you a measure of comfort and hope that you can feel safe as you come out the fog that has enveloped you so tightly over the past weeks, months, or years.

I do not know m any of you by name, nor do I know of all the details or circumstances surrounding your life, or your affair(s). What I do know is that we share two very important things in our lives and makes us somewhat connected as a WS. I am hoping that I can help you come back to the light, so that you can come back to the light that has, for so long, shielded you with that dense fog you may still be in.

The first thing that we share is the love of a person that totally, completely, and unconditionally stand by our side. Through thick and thin, for better or worse, in our darkest hours, we have someone that has always believed in us, and still does. They have put up with our lies, our anger, our accusations, and maybe in some cases verbal and/or physical abusiveness. They have watched us trash us the things they believed in more than anything in the world...our marriage, our vows, our trust and our love. In spite of it all, they see in us their hopes, their dreams, and their futures. They can't, nor do they want to, see themselves without us for the rest of their lives. They accept our imperfections and our infidelity as we have strayed from that which we know is wrong. They have continued to believe in us and want to help us right the ship and stay the course. They are willing to forgive us, grant us our mistakes, and come home to rebuild that life and make it better. They know they are not perfect, as well.

They know they have made mistakes. They need us to open up, talk to them and give them answers so that they can learn, heal, and help repair the damage. They will accept their responsibility in these things. Can you?

We, most of us, alsoe have children that look at us, and see only the love of a Mom or a Dad. They don't see us as imperfect, scared, or angry. They see us as a shelter, a safe haven where they can laugh, cry, hurt, be silly or serious, and tell us their fears or fantasies. We are their safety net when they fall. They look to us for answers in life, no matter how big or small the answers are. Our life changed, no matter much we didn't want it to when we helped create that life. We owe our children the best chance to learn from us. We owe them our unconditional, total, and complete love, so that they can start on the journey with as few bumps and bruises as possible. They look to you for truth in their lives. To deny them that chance, is a travesty.

You took an oath, in your heart and mind, to protect and defend and teach YOUR child, as soon as they were created. So, you see, you have people in your life that believe in you, love you, accept you, want you, need you, cherish you, and the list goes on and on.

I know for a fact, that many of you, when with the OP, badmouth your spouse. You tell the OP how they do all the right things, fill you up, make you feel alive, do all the things your spouse does not, or used to do. You tell this person they are everything you ever wanted. They arouse you, they make you happy...interesting how you told your spouse that at one time too. And, the truth is, if you were to search your heart, you are not letting them do that now. They want to, they beg you to let them try...you justify your A, by telling them "I just don't feel that for you anymore", "I don't know if I want to be married anymore", "I dont know what I want", and a myriad of other flimsy reasons and excuses to buy time to spend with the OP. You give justifications that are so superficial they can't hold water.

We even search our minds to think of everything that our spouse ever did, no matter how insignificant, how long ago it was, in order to make us feel better about cheating. We can find any reason to blame our spouse for US deciding and making a conscious choice to cheat and find a reason to say it is ok.

What we should be doing is finding every reason for our BS to forgive us. We should be finding every reason to stay together, to come home, to make it right, to be a family...loving and supportive, forgiving and trusting. And you know what? Those reasons are there...everyday...the smile, the laugh, the tears, the love....they are there each and everyday!! Just look!!!

The second thing we share is the fact that we are all weak!! I know full well the pain, anger, frustration, fear, embarrassment, passion, fun, laughter, love, fear, and all the rest of the wide range of emotions of having an A.

I know what is like to have that OP fill up your senses...so full and so fast you wonder how you ever made it without them. The sex is great, the passion is overwhelming, you can't wait to see them, touch them, hear them...all the while drifting further and further from your marriage...lost in the fog. NO matter how we justify it, that other person...is a cheater, as well. They know we are married and they choose to cheat with us. And in many cases, probably have before, and have told the other person they are with, all the same, exact things they tell us. "You are my soulmate" "you are the only one for me" etc etc. We have heard em all and said em all. We have been told they can make us happy "for the rest of our lives". WE have been so blinded by it all, that we give up family and friends we have had for years, in order for this OP to feel safe with us and convince them how we feel. We take all the energies that we don't use at home, and give them to someone "new". We spend money, time, and energy to build something with someone exciting, instead of spending that with someone that knows us and truly loves us.

You see, the truth is, that we, both members of the affair, are very good at one thing....telling each other exactly what we want to hear. We put together elaborate speeches, write poetry, find mushy cards, send the "perfect" gifts, say the right things...all for this other person. Both of us continue to hone our "cheating" skills to the point of perfection. What ever happened to doing that to your spouse, instead of leaving them at the side of the road with a flat tire? We have derailed their entire life and emotionally checked out...in order to make us feel better about the affair. That simply isn't right. We took years to build something. We may have taken several years to weaken the foundation of it. But in one simple night of lust, and that is what it is, lust, we tried to destroy it. If we truly "loved" this person, if we truly believed what we were doing is right, true, and good, there would be no indecision on our part. There would be no hesitancy at all.

The bottom line is that, you can trust the person you are cheating with less than you can trust yourself. It is a proven fact that only 25% of all affairs ever make it. Deep down in your heart, you still love your spouse, and you know it. You don't want to give up the excitement and passion you have found. The truth is that your marriage will never again go back to what it was. The blind faith in each other is gone....it is replaced with doubt and fear. The wonderful thing is that you now have a chance to "rediscover" your spouse, your marriage, and your family.

It is not as hard as you may think, but will take some dedication on your part. But the beauty of the whole thing is you will be stronger and more in love than you ever thought you could be. You create new memories, new routines, a new life. You re-commit, reinvest your time and energies in that which truly loves you.

The truth is most affairs end when the OP either gets what they thought they needed from you, and even more of them end when the OP finds another WS. Oddly enough, you weren't enough for them either. In the end you are left with no loving spouse, no children, no family, no friends.....and your OP that was so steadfastly dedicated to you is off romping with "the love of their life".

I know from whence I speak, my friends. I know of the pain, the sorrow, the hurt, the look in my childrens eyes when I left the house. I hear the sounds of my W crying, begging, pleading, and hurting. I now see what a fool I was.

I now spend everyday, more happy than I ever thought I could be. If the world were to end tomorrow, she would know I loved her as no other. No, she won't ever forget about the A, and along the way, there will be things that will trigger her mind, but, she has forgiven. You need to talk to your spouse to help them. YOU are the only one that can help them. They need you, much more now than ever before. You have to swallow that pride of yours, for them to heal. You have to open your life up to them, and hide nothing. You have to make it about them. The affair was making it about you, so now you owe it to them, no matter how embarrassed you are, no matter how much you don't wnat to talk about it, to make it about them. Their piece of mind, their feelings are all that matter.

They know, from being here, what they need to do in order to help meet your needs. It is now up to you, to learn what you need to do in order to meet theirs. And make no mistake about it, it will be hard work, but it is oh so worth it!! This person you married, is willing to work with you in order to show you the love you deserve!!

Are you willing to work to show them how much you truly love them??

By being here, at Marriage Builders, they have shown that they are willing to adopt the principles that it takes to put their marriage back together. They have pledged their love, and even their support, to your recovery, as well as theirs. They have accepted the crumbs you have offered them, while knowing full well you were at the buffet with the other person in your life.

You have one of the strongest, most committed, most wonderful, loving, and caring people in the world on your side. Don't expect them not be angry from time to time. Don't expect them to be perfect, let you off the hook, and not talk about it with you. They need and want to understand you and all the things surrounding what happened. It is part of the healing process.

What you can expect is love, honesty, and the rebuilding of your marriage.

They know what it takes to make things work now. They also know that they, as well as you, have to be stronger than ever before in their life, if this is going to work. That is why they are still here...they understand.

They even know, that you may backslide in the beginning, but are willing to deal with that, in order to preserve and protect that which they believe in ......YOU. I implore you, WS, burn off the fog. See the sand that is your foundation for the affair. There is no solid basis for this relationship..it is all smoke and mirrors that reflects this "love" you have found. Run, do not walk, back home and give your marriage all the energy, gifts, poems, cards, and love that you have given to the affair. The results are remarkable. But you have to be willing to be honest with yourself, first of all. You have to admit there is a problem, and you have to be willing to fix it, with your spouse, a counselor, whatever or whoever it takes to fix it. You have to be willing to want to be there in mind, body, and spirit. You will find a love more wonderful than anything you knew before.

I hope this helps, in some way, to show you what life can be after an affair. I know that I am blessed with the most wonderful person. I was given the opportunity to feel what life was like without her, and it was not what I wanted. I found the answers I sought...I found them both here, and in her arms. I can only hope, that in some small way, you find the same thing, and that I helped the fog to lift. If you ever wish to talk to someone who understands what we WS go through, then feel free to write *edit* There is a path back home. You need only choose it! Keep the faith!

*Out of our greatest fears, come our bravest deeds!*

Truehear