Arghh ... now I'm confused!

I guess that is the whole problem RLT...you are confused.
You are in no position right now to decide to stay or leave your H.
You should put some physical space between you to start working through that.
In the meantime, he can do the polygraph...it is scheduled RIGHT??? You scheduled this already right Mr. RLT???????? Right?
If he passes and you decide that you want to work on things, call the Harley's...get a game plan....let him court you and earn his way back into your life.

I think it would be very tough to do the separation in the same house. Essentially you just stop talking to each other and have no privacy, or you get resentful because your there, he's there, but no one is working together. How is that helpful? Can you get time for yourself that way, and feel comfortable with it? If you think separation for a time is the answer, then he needs to figure out who he can stay with temporarily while you have some time. Then he can interact with you on your terms, when you are ready. Whereever he goes, he still must maintain complete transparency. Does he have ANY trustworthy friends?

(((RLT))) Just breathe hun.

Fled

Actually, he is gone A LOT. He works a five day a week job, and then he works four nights a week till midnight at another job. I have plenty of time to myself.

RE: Polygraph. I was going to schedule it today, but the counselor said it is RLT's responsibility to do it because it is a demand I am putting on HIM; thus, he must follow through and take care of it.

I don't necessarily agree. I don't think it makes a rat's a$$ difference who does it.

Actually, I'm going to disagree with a lot of folks here, and tell you that seperation is the most hurtful thing you can do to your M.

Your IC is, as most are, full of [email]sh@@.[/email] Most so called family thereapist, are actually full of [email]sh@@.[/email] they have no clue how to deal with infedelity, much less, have a plan to salvage your M.

They concentrate on how they can make you feel better about your own indepedence, and how you can live without your S.

They counsel about you without your S. Frankly, they suck!!!!

I will not agree with others who tell you to seperate from your S, as this will surely lead to the demise of your M.

Time to decide what you want? I don't think it is seperation, or D.I think it is R of your M. Seperation will not promote this prospect, in spite of what others have said.

Stay the course and let God place His hand on your M.

All Blesings,
Jerry

Jerry,

Your post tugs at me to not do what others think I should do.

I want God to heal our marriage, too. But Mr. RLT has to show me that he can really, really change.

After IC, he revealed yet another PA to me. A full blown PA with a woman from work about 15 years ago. I was pregnant with small babies at the time.

Do you know how sick that makes me?

Do you know how sick and disappointed I am that this was just one of many incidents, and I didn't even know.

I trusted him, Jerry.

I can't keep trusting him.

And I have to know that he is serious about wanting this marriage.

It literally tears my heart up to do what I'm about to do, but I have to test him and see how badly he wants this.

I have to.

Well I wrought a lengthy reply to you, but of course, it got lost in cyberspace.
Yes, I do know what it's like to be lied to.

what can you do about it? Seperate? It will not heal yur M to do so, I know others will disagree.

Don't look to do what's right. Look to do what it will take to make you heal! I know others will disagree.

It's all about you RLT, not what others tell you you MUST do.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Jerry RLT is so co-dependent on her WH that she is incapable of making anything like an informed or rational decision about her marriage without his influence.

Heck - she has every right to divorce him if she wants.

The rabbit hole just keeps getting deeper.

Well heck, of course she does BK, but she has never indicted that is what she want's to do.
so why do you bring that horrible thought to this sitch? We are about building and supporting M's,
aren't we?

All Blessings,
Jerry

Jerry, yes she has said that at times. i suggest that you might want to avail yourself of a bit more info in this situation before making any judgements about the very sound advice that has been given here.

and Jerry, while this site might be about building marriages...it is NOT marriage at all costs!

RLT..you have enabled this behavior now for a long time. You are unable to make sound decisions with all this [email]cr@p[/email] going on...that has been evident. Your H has abused you over and over again...AND he is a LONG TERM SERIAL CHEATER.

Being apart right now will give you the chance to decide if saving this M is really what you want to do. I feel that you are most likely continuing to tolerate this madness for fear of change...reading your words, I think you know that you would be better off without this man...at least until he becomes a man. Right now, he is anything but. Right now he is a child that needs to be hooked up to a machine to tell you the truth. He would still be lying today if we had not pressed the polygraph issue.

Please...think very carefully about your next steps.

man, your right medc.

He WOULD be lying today if not for one little word thrown on this forum--Polygraph.

I can't tell you now, how much I detest him. And yet the love for him doesn't ever go away. I know that I sound like a stupid teenager, but geez, I have been with him for forever. He was my first ... and only.

I have three beautiful kids with him.

I am going to at least try this controlled separation in the house. If I find it doesn't work, then I will tell him to leave.

Jerry, i respect you and know that you will take this as it is intended. Reading your words from earlier in this thread, it is apparent to me that you are giving her H a bit too much slack...because by your own words, he has given something that you will never get. Well, bottom line is, her H deserves NO CREDIT for the truths that were forced from him at this time...nor does he deserve any credit for things that will be pulled from him in the future. I think you are viewing this situation wrong because of some things that are raw in your life.
As far as D not being what God wants...you do not know that. God has placed in her path, some very good Christian's that would see that differently than you. I see a person that is being abused over and over again with no real end in sight....and while it might be okay for some to live in a situation where they will never get what they need or deserve from their spouse, I do not believe that God intends for people to be abused like this time and again.

MEDC

i'm still reeling from the past infidelity stuff.

I'm so stupid.

I never, ever saw it.

Amazing how even the hint of a polygraph had him singing like a canary.

Sorry if I might differ from the norm here, but all I think there might be a different route that is available to r this M.

Rest assured MEDC, I have read this entire thread, and I don't feel I have somehow missed the enlightened truth that you have gleaned from this thread.

I simply have a different opinion, and that is going to have to sit with you, whatever way it does.

Once again, we agree to disagree!

All blessings,
Jerry

And for the record, I Make no judgements about anyone or their opinions. In the end, that's all they are: opinions.

RLT...I will wish you luck with that...for I think it is LUCK that you will need. I hope it works out for you, but I do not see that being a sound plan.
IMHO...your H should demonstrate his worthiness and then you act accordingly...
he passes the test
he gets counseling
he takes you on dates
he shows you his changes by his actions

I will be here to support you...but I believe you are taking a dangerous path.

And Jerry, lastly...at onbe point you said "what is the point"...in other words..getting to the truth. That is the ONLY point before recovery can truly begin.

Also amazing how many times the canary stopped singing...swearing that was it...only to have more. According to him, he even had more to spill today after swearing to everyone the truth was all out.

This bird has not yet finished singing....the biggest lies are yet to be told.

Totally agree MEDC