Oh for cripes sake, BK, we all know that. How does that help this sitch?

Having a RIGHT whether it be Biblical or not, has little to do with the decesion to be made or not!

You, like MEDC, feel there is some kind of rightous justice that has to be repaid as a result of all this. IT AIN'T GOING TO HAPPEN!

That's the horrible truth that all of ua BS'are going to have to live with!

Do you work outside the home? Just wondering since your husband works so many hours. Can you get by financially without him?

Well who rattled your cage tonight Jerry? that's to totally different replies from you to the same post.

I am very pro-marriage Jerry. I believe any marriage can potentially be saved even this one. DUH.

it's got nothing to do with righteous justice Jerry...it has everything to do with protecting a woman that has been victimized time and again.

And the horrible truth that many BS deal with Jerry is that they have been given the truth and allowed to make their own decisions. This WH even went through a sham vow renewal while betraying his wife yet again. You seem so intent on following your beliefs that you are willing to throw this woman under the bus in order to save her M. Well, let me tell you ...not all marriages are worth saving. Not every WS will be remorseful and do the things they should do to make a marriage whole again. I am a lot more concerned with the individual right now than the union. IMHO, the union only exists because of lies and deceit....and it is up to the WH in this case to make things right.

Jerry, I know you are a kind and generous soul. I truly am perplexed at your take on this and again will express that I feel your negative feelings about what you have had to swallow to remain in your M are coming into play here. If that is the case, I am sorry for the continued pain that you are going through.

MEDC

Jerry, clearly, you have no clue what I feel.

In fact, I'll just leave it a "you have no clue"

Well frankly beliver,
I don;t understand yor Q?

I am the H who works outside of the home. How is your Q even relevant?

All Blessings,
Jerry

Believer is talking to RLT Jerry. Case Closed.

Hi RLT,
.
I've been trying to stay away from these boards today because I have so much work to catch up on and I am emotionally drained myself over my own sitch. This thread hit so close to home for me as you know and I relived it all again yesterday with you. I'm glad I did though. I quit posting after the first few days when I was in the same situation so I'm getting a chance to hear what everyone else thinks. I just looked at my calendar. It's been 6 wks since my H's last disclosure and the polygraph was the next day.

I said all of that because I just wanted to give you an idea of where I'm at now, 6 wks later.

My story is very much like yours in the way the whole poly thread/disclosures took place. I asked for one, H got defensive, then purged his lies.

On the day of the first purging session, I asked him to leave. For me, I had to. You do whatever you think you need. I had to because I couldn't think straight with him around me. I did not have one nice word to say to him and I honestly wanted to hurt him. I could tell that I was just too angry to have him anywhere near me. However, I still wanted to be able to communicate with him so I could ask the questions I wanted to when they came to me. I also wanted him to continue with complete transparency in case I did want to pursue recovery with him. He stayed in constant communication with me via e-mail and phone and was completely transparent. That was necessary for me to entertain the possibility of reconciliation. And he wanted to do it for me.

He didn't want to move out but he did because it was what I needed. I am grateful to him for that. Any less and he'd be history today.

In hindsight, I wished I would have had him stay gone a little longer than I did. He was only gone for a week. I let him come back after the poly was done. I was so relieved over the results and felt like I had a good foundation of truth to start on.

I'm not saying that I am not glad that my H is back now, I'm just saying I wished I would have taken more time for myself to think even more.

The disclosures that you just got are excruciating and as bad as you want your marriage, you honestly don't know if that will be possible for you, no matter what your H does and that has been the most upsetting thing for me to realize. And I know, that if my H had spilled all of this out in the beginning at d-day, it would have been bad, but not this bad.

There will be so many new revelations that will hit you in the weeks and months to come. I know I get new ones all of the time. One of the worst ones was how selfishly cruel it was to stab me over and over again the way he did. He watched and let me bleed slowly. How do you reconcile that? Much less the actual new betrayals. I am trying to have compassion for him but it's not easy.

I realized my H was sleeping with other women while we were dating up until we got married as part of his disclosures. So now I feel like our whole marriage is a lie and I don't know why he married me. It's take time to sort through all of that. Still not there. And all of this stuff, it just brings so many more questions that you won't even think to ask yourself at this point. Not enough has sunk in yet.

I don't want to sound so negative but I want to share with you because I am guessing that you may be feeling a lot of the same things. I do have some hope though. My H is doing quite a bit and it may be possible we make it but I have no guarantees. I don't trust his love for me yet. He has thrown me under the bus for 16 yrs and has been a FWS for maybe 6 wks? I do believe though that if I see consistency over time and some other things that I can still have that marriage I thought we were going to have before all of this started. I haven't thrown in the towel yet. There may be hope.

It is easier for your H to meet your needs if he's living there but I'm sure you don't even know if you want him to at this point. Where I am at right now as far as needs go is that my H is trying to meet most of mine but I don't have it in me to reciprocate that much. That's why it was way easier when he wasn't here too. I don't want him to expect anything from me, other than being respectful and cordial because I just don't have anything to offer him right now. He killed whatever love I had for him almost when the chit hit the fan for us a little while ago.

Also, this time away from him will give you a chance to breathe. Everytime you see him you'll be triggered. Space is good for now and you can do a controlled separation a little later if that's what you both want. Even when he comes back it's going to be very difficult. I can see some loving detachment in your future. It's what you're going to need to deal with all of this.

At this point, I am still committed to recovery because my H has shown a lot of changes, but I am not yet willing to commit to my marriage. Before I can get to that point, I would have to feel like I would marry him all over again and considering our situation starting from the beginning of time, I don't feel like I even know him, and I certainly don't like him very much at times. He is a lot different now but there hasn't been enough time or consistency to convince me of anything yet.

And I hope you don't feel guilty for one minute about your H having to make other arrangements, even if it's his car. Do not shelter him from the consequences of his actions. No one, and I mean no one will blame you for kicking him out.

RLT, with him gone you will find strength that you didn't know you had. And trust me, it'll look good on you.

Get some confidence in yourself first and then worry about whether or not you have any in him.

{{{{{{RLT}}}}}}}

Great Post Mopey.

wonderfully said Mopey.

OK.MEDC and BK,
Where does it end???????

We can perpetuatate this theory from now until the cows come home. But where so we draw a line
and say this is the end?

How is one supossed to heal, if they are never given a chance to do so?

JMHO

All Blessings.,
jerry

That is exactly what my plan would facilitate...RLT being able to heal...and IF she wants her marriage to recover at that time...so be it.

Thanks Medc and BK. I hope it helps.

OK, I understand that my O doesn't count her on this forum.


With that said, It's time for me me to move on.

Good luck and all blessings to all of you,
Jerry

RLT:

I don't have any advice for you, but I wanted to let you know that I am very sorry to read what you have gone through over the last several days.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I will pray that God will ease your confusion and grant you the wisdom to make the right choices for your future.

LoBoy

thank you LoBoy. I have read your threads as well. I know things aren't going well for you

I will pray for you and your family also.

Jerry,

Thank you for your input. I really DO appreciate it. You sound like a man with a good and kind heart.

How are you doing RLT? You are rarely far from my thoughts these last few days.

I have to say, Mopey is dead on. I know how hard it is to hear that. Im not sure you really want your H to leave at all, even though he has hurt you beyond belief and you are very confused.

However, You need some perspective. A controlled seperation is an awful idea in my opinion. Your H is *still* there. Doing this would only add stress to you which you really dont need more of. Mr RLT needs to give you some space to figure out what you want to do. This is about YOU. If Mr RLT needs to sleep on a park bench, so be it. It is the consequences of his actions. By leaving he is protecting you from further harm at this stage. It is the most valiant thing he could do.

My concern is that you are tempted to let Mr RLT off the hook too easily which comes at GREAT cost to you personally. Perhaps Im misjudging the situation and speaking from my own experiences but I sense some of that in you. You sound like a fixer. Its a dynamic I know all too well.

You had said that you are stupid for not seeing everything. Do NOT beat up on yourself because some else has mistreated you. You are NOT stupid. You are married to a masterful liar. He alone owns that.

Calling the Harley radio show is a superb idea. Can you look into it?

I did the controlled separation too - but I knew my husband was reprentent when he was prepared to sleep in his car and shower at the gym if I had asked.

I literally lived upstairs - he lived downstairs - partly unfinished basement, but there was heat and water. I handled my job by staying with my employer and his wife - they had an extra room, I lived 75 miles away from the job so they had already offered, and my young son was in day care near my job, so there was even more separation; I went 4 months with a separation this way the two months before that were totally dark plan b type separation where my husband had no idea where we were staying - and thankfully - things had blown up to the point where he wasn't pushing visitation. But he wasn't remorseful until we were two months into a six month separation. I only moved back under the same roof as him once I started seeing some signs of softening toward remorse, regret, repentance and restitution.

Controlled separation will only work if your husband stops the psycho war on you. "Telling" you how sorry he is, while he has his friend do the dirty work is NOT going to work.

I posted on your husband's thread that he needs to have NC with this friend for the rest of his life if he recovers his marriage - because if you have any self-worth left, you won't tolerate contact or influence coming from this yayhoo whozit.

RLT,

I don't have any advice to offer, just moral support I guess. But you sure have been on my mind the last couple of days.

I feel incredibly sad at your current situation and frankly would like to slap the living Sh1t out of Mr. RLT.

I am close to 100% certain that after everything Skirmisher and I have been thru, I would at the very least ask him to move out for an indeterminate period of time. But that is me.

I find myself wishing that Stillwed were still posting here. As I recall her FWH had over 6 affairs over the course of their marriage and they were fully recovered.

Mr. RLT is the one who needs to be taking the lead here as his first demonstration of his dedication to recovering the marriage. I am just not sure that he is even close to understanding that. Sorry.

Please take care of you and remember that you have lots of folks here who care a great deal about you.

Who