RLT,

You have been getting two differing opinions though many more have been suggesting that you separate over staying together as you begin working through all of this.

FWIW, I actually agree with Jerry on this...

That said, it is you who has to make the decision and you that has to live with that decision. I know that isn't a lot of help in this case, but only you can answer the question as to what YOU want.

It is possible to recover from affairs whether there was a 2 week intense emotional EA, a 10 year LT PA or a hundred ONS spread over twenty five years. The recovery process is the same and that is to build a better marriage less prone to such things for the future.

But you have to decide at this point whether the marriage is worth saving and putting more work into or if it should be abolished. Only you can decide if the level of pain and hurt you have suffered is too much.

If Mr RLT does everything exactly right from this day forward, is it worth the effort to YOU?

If he gets it 95% right is it worth it? What about 85%? What are you willing to accept from a marriage to him from this day forward keeping in mind that it is a process not just a switch that can be thrown to make it all right?

JMO.

I'm praying for you. (Both of you)

Mark

Good morning all,

It is nice to wake up in the morning and know I have friends out there who have been worrying about me and praying for me.

Nights are tough now. As I go to sleep in the big, lonely bed, I am hauntingly reminded of those days and weeks that he was in Florida with his OW. The pain was EXCRUCIATING, to know that as I laid there alone, he was probably, at that moment, screwing her. It was all I could think every night, the same sick images every time I closed my eyes.

Now, it's the same thing. Only there are several women. How many, I don't know. I was tryng to do a count in my head. If I count the ones before we were married, but in a serious relationship, something like 7?

The one he told me about yesterday, about the woman from where he used to work, was making me ill last night. He would go to her apt. and they would screw. And, I come to find out, I used to watch her daughter now and then. I don't remember that. I don't remember this OW. But I do know that THIS ONE, I WAS with two small children, and either pregnant, or trying to get pregnant. I thought life was so good back then. Now even those memories are tainted.

Absolutely NOTHING has been authentic in this relationship. It's all been a sham, and he has made it that way.

In a way, a VERY SICK way, I think to myself, well maybe somehow I should feel better that he's had several affairs. Because then it means that he couldn't have loved OW so much as he thought. And for sure, he would not have stopped his serial cheating. It's in the bag, he woulda cheated on her $orry [censored], to.


This would be called venting, right?

Back to the business at hand:

Mark, it is confusing getting these differing opinions because I do find value in all of them. I feel like now is the time to do the RIGHT thing because I have spent so many years doing the WRONG thing.

I am still in shock mode.

So really, I am just going to sit here until it wears off. Then I think I will decide exactly how to handle this.

rlt,

Are you close to your mom, or any aunts? I am just wondering what kind of motherly support you have, or sisterly?

I stopped reading for a while but just got caught up...

It's too bad you couldn't go visit your mother and dad for a little while.

Hope you are eating right and exercising. All this stress and lack of sleep are going to wreck havoc on your body, and I found after I went through some bad times like this that exercise was the only thing that gave me any relief.

Put on the head phones, jack it all the way up and get on the treadmill and jus pound the he*ll out of it helped.

weaver,

my mom's in town. My dad is in Florida.

I talk to my mom on the phone a lot.

No I am not eating or exercising. I am presently on a diet of coffee and cigarettes. The cigarettes I started on 2 years ago with the start of all this crap. I managed to quit for this past month with the aid of Chantex. However, all of this stuff came about and I went back to them. Not good, as I was just starting to feel the affects on NOT smoking. I'm asthmatic, so they really do reek havoc on my body.

I don't have a treadmill. The most I could do is take the dog and walk around the block a few times.

Great advice Weaver!! Exercise does wonders for the soul.

rlt

Have you been to see your Dr about helping you deal with this stress? My IC recommended that I get an RX for meds to help me sleep at first so that I could stay reasonably healthy. There's good new meds out there that aren't habit forming.

Weaver has good advice too-eating and exercising to help with the stress on your body. You have a lot of "truth" to process about your WH and your M.

Take your time with it all. You are bathed in prayer.

For you this morning-

"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to my myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him."
Lam.3:19-24

Well these were my thoughts, and my motivation -

I may have been with the biggest serial cheater, con artist of all time, and he may have taken 6 years of my happiness, all of my money, a loved piece of island waterfront property, my dignity and my sanity...

but by golly if I was going to be alone, jaded and crazy...I was going to be a d*mned good-looking, crazy old maid. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Way to go weaver!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

rlt,

You have difficult decisions to make.

Take your time.

You know your circumstances and history better than anyone else.

Make your choices with YOUR best advantage at heart!

Time to think of YOU!

Just got off the phone with OW'H's husband to tell him about the extended affair circumstances.

The poor guy didn't have a clue.

Boy, is $****** going to hit the fan at the "blank" house tonight!

Also discovered Mr. RLT told her I had cheated on him, to make him feel better I guess.

I know. They all do it.

I asked him at LEAST 50 times what he'd told her about me. He said, "Nothing bad. How could I?"

Another stinking lie. And I knew it was, the whole time.

Nothing like character assassination, ha?

RLT,
I am sorry if my thoughts have somehow intruded on your thread. If that's true, I deeply apologize.
Your world of hurt right now is paramount to anything else said here on this thread. You have my very sincere condolences for what you are going through, once again.

In a humble attempt to explain myself, I will continue to think that a separation between you and Mr. RLT is a very bad idea. To me it is one more wrong step if R is what you truly desire for your M. Communication after the revelation is extremely important. Yes, your WH needs to explain himself to you and to God, for how he could have made such devastating choices. Your initial communication may take place as total rants and hurtful responses to his brainfart. That's OK, because that is just as needed, as are the softer times, when you begin to discuss how to right the ship. Separation, will leave that option, and many others, out of the question.

I have been called clueless, and that's OK because I have told myself that a cazillion times.
I have actually given serious consideration to changing my user name to Clueless, that way if a particular poster takes offence at my response, they can simply look at my user name and know that I am clueless anyhow
What do think? Good Idea?

I love this forum because the good folks here have no problem hitting you over the head with a 2x4, or if in Texas, the overkill 4x4.

Please, RLT, you are at Dday all over again. Look around you; the foundation of your M was trust. A nuclear explosion has blown that foundation apart. Thusly, the rest of the house came down like a house of cards. Now you sit on your butt, looking around at the devastation and are in shock. Rightfully so, but look who's sitting next to you. The very one who caused this calamity in the first place.

So now you have options, rebuild with him or without him. I would be a strong advocate of doing it with him, rather than alone. Of course that option is yours: not mine or IC or any one else here on this forum. The choice is yours and yours alone.

Right now, all I can wish and pray for you is peace… His peace….. Talk to HIM.

All Blessings,
Jerry

welcome back clueless! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Shddup wiseguy! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

BTW and OT, I was Miltary Police during Vietnam, and did a brief stint at CID(Criminal investigation).

I'm older now, but I once had testosterone like you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

All Blessings,
Jerry

edit: thanks God thats over <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Jerry,

Did you read my post on the Shinethrough Thread?

I appreciate very much what you say. And you do bring a softness to my heart when I read your posts. Kind of calms my raging anger right now. You sound like a MOST forgiving man.

PLEASE continue to post me. I need to hear your opinions, too.

No, you have NOT intruded on my thread.

You are WELCOME.

I'm no spring chicken jerry... I am 44 but feel like I am 25....I keep waiting or the inevitable decline!

Glad to have you back my friend.

Thank You RLT,
What you said means the world to me.

If I may, you have asked your H for the truth, right? I had a very good C(and I went through many), explain to me that my WW would never be truthful to me unless and until I could demonstrate that it was SAFE to do so.

So I ask you, have you made Mr RLT feel it is safe to tell you the real truth? If you have not, you will simply reinforce his notion that telling you the truth is harmfull to his well being, and the well being of your M. KWIM?

If you ask for the truth, you had better be in a position to hear that truth, regardless of how it devastates you.Extremely unfair, I agree, but nonetheless it is what you asked for, was it not?

So the ultimate question becomes, what will you do with your truth? how about you take three steps back, breathe, relax and talk to God about what He would have you do. HE has a plan that Dr. H has not even envisioned yet <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Hang on RLT, as badly as you hurt, the BEST, is yet to come for those who have faith.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Glad to have you back my friend,

thanks MEDC, it's nice to have people who accept you, IN SPITE OF ALL YOUR FAULTS.

I hope BK can do the same.

What do think about Clueless, I'm beginning to really like it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

All blesings,
Jerry

Nah...make everybody figure you out for themselves...I had too.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

See, Jerry, that last line about the best yet to come is so uplifting for me.

Thank you.

As for making him feel safe when truth digging--ah, well probably not. At least not last Sunday when he let out the BIG LIE and I went into a screaming rage and started to HIT him. I am NOT a violent person, Jerry. I am a little pipsqueak, don't even hit 5 feet on the tape measure. But the rage, I can't begin to tell you.

I am sorry for that, and I did apologize for it.

Yesterday, when he proceeded to tell me about yet MORE affairs, man I was RAGING again. It was ALL I could do to keep my fists in my lap.

But I did.

I remained calm. I didn't hit. I didn't yell. I didn't stomp out of the car. I just sat ... and listened.

It is hard. It's hard because, jeez, how cruel can people be to do this stuff. It is evil at its core. And it's shocking to learn that all the time you were married to it, and didn't even know.

But I will go to God with it. I will take it to Him and ask him to guide me.

MEDC,

44? I'm 46.

Hey, I thought we WERE still spring chickens, dude!!!

Jeez Jerry,

What are you like 85?....Just Kidding <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> BTW, I am an MP Officer.

Who