Section 2

He got upset with me for "bringing those people back into our lives." He was referring to my phone call yesterday to OW's H. He was not at all happy about it. I told Mr. RLT that the poor guy had a right to know, and as it turns out, he didn't know. I don't think I did anything wrong, and I don't know why he is upset about it. I told him there is a likelihood that OW may try and contact him now. I gave him explicit instructions on how to handle it. But Mr. RLT is peeved about it, and I'm peeved that he's peeved.

I thought the guy had a right to know.

First of all ---> (((rlt)))

I'm so sorry that you're going thru this. I know the pain and confusion is beyond description right now. It will get better, tho...you WILL recover and be whole again, regardless of how your M ends up.

With that said, it's my opinion that you should carefully re-visit Weaver's last post to you. I couldn't have said it better myself.

I pray you have His peace in your life at this time when you most need it.

Lori

doesn't sound like he is interested in protecting YOU....only himself.

if your H does not do a 180 degree turn today...I would divorce his butt very quickly.

Frankly, he is acting like a real dirt bag at this point. HE has and appointment with a lawyer????? HIM??? Are you friggin kidding me?

He is STILL only concerned with himself. His affairs were for himself, lying ALL the years of your marriage were for himself, spending your retirement money and going into debt to fund his affair were for himelf. The lies were never about protecting you, they were only to protect HIM.

The very IDEA that he would consider spending money for a lawyer is extremely disturbing. How could he do this and say that he cares about what is best for you??? No, he is proecting HIMSELF from the consequences of his own horrid behavior.

I understand the reasoning behind some that say you can't work on the marriage if you are not together so don't kick him out. However, how can this inhouse seperation ever work? You can't process all this pain and start making decicions if there is constant contact and new insults hurling your way. Also, how do the kids handle all of this going on in the house? It seems to me that seperation would protect the kids from continuous stress.

As someone else pointed out days ago, he had NO PROBLEM leaving when HE wanted to.

I really feel for you. This is a disaster. I will keep you in my thoughts. As much as I hate to see divorce, this guy is still light years from even having you or your needs on his radar. It is ALL ABOUT HIM.

And NO, he is NOT bipolar. He is simply a selfish man.

the lawyer appt. was for a free consultation.

Yes, I was insulted by this.

Mr. RLT...you have a lot of f-in nerve. You fake being interested in helping your wife...yet you make an appointment to protect your assets. What the f is wrong with you?
You should have made the polygraph appointment...but you won't do that because you are a fraud and a liar.
If you are at all interested in recovery...then schedule the polygraph...tell her everything...sign a post nuptial agreement that gives her everything in the event of a failed polygraph or another infidelity...and then take the test.
Anything less than all of that and you are nothing more than a fraud taking advantage of your BW yet again.
Sir...you should count your blessings that is not my sister or friend you are doing this to...

It's clear that this was just another attempt to bully you into backing off and shutting up.

He's used to being able to push your buttons and get the reaction he wants from you - confusion, denial, despair, and retreat.

But hey - you moved your buttons and are not reacting the same way anymore.

So he had to ramp it up and do something nastier in hopes of bullying you back into submission again.

That's why he told you he called a lawyer.

You can fully expect this sort of thing to happen again and again and again. Please be ready for it.
Mulan

His actions are speaking prety clearly.
He has time to schedule an appointment with a lawyer, but not the polygraph. He is worried about protecting his own interests in case of a D more than he's worried about you having what you need to heal from his string of betrayals.

He writes a lot of pretty stuff here, and maybe he's saying the same things to you. But his actions (or lack thereof) speak much louder. You seem to be so caught up in fixing and fighting and doing what you think you have to do, though, that you aren't sitting back and watching.

Arguing with him about the lawyer, nailing him with quesitons, everything else that YOU are doing takes away a chance for you to see what HE will do on his own in order to fix this. He's showing you what he will do -- he will go out and protect his own interests and he will continue to drip out secrets until he thinks he's given you just enough so you won't ask any more -- then he'll keep the rest. You don't seem to be seeing that, though. You seem to want to fight him to MAKE him do better, rather than watching what he will do in order to win you back.

Maybe he doesn't deserve you back. Maybe he's not willing to do what it takes to get you back. Don't you want better than having to keep badgering and fighting just to get him to meet the barest of minimums?


Maybe it's time for you to make your own lawyer appointment and find out what your alternatives are. Even in no-fault states, you can show cause for unequitable distribuitons of debt and assets. I'm in the same state as you, and when we were headed towards D, my lawyer helped me gather enough paperwork to be able to assign a little over 3/4 of our debt to my H, and most of the assets to me. A lawyer can help you build a good case. And you can show what bills were household bills and incurred for the good of the family, and which bills were not without the results of a polygraph or secret cell phone records.

-AmI.

AmI,

I have a lawyer. I got the lawyer while he was in Florida with OW.

That was his reasoning--"you have a lawyer, I thought I needed one, too."

But, see, AmI--I can sit back and watch, but I would have had not idea that he was going to see a lawyer had he not told me.

He is soooooo sneaky.

He could be doing other stuff (?) and I wouldn't even know about it.

Please...you have a lawyer I thought I need one too. This guy is really a piece of work.

I honestly do not mean to insult you RLT, nor add to your pain....but how many more years of his lying and entitlement can you live like this? I know you love him and I know you want your marriage to work. But he doesn't have it in him to BE married. He hasn't been able to do the very basics: honesty, fidelity.

I was honestly hoping that this was a man that really turned a corner when he recommitted to the marriage. His gushy language put up a red flag for me though...said Con man. I TRULEY had hoped that he given up his prior life and was just too weak to tell you everything out of fear.

BUT, his behavior SINCE last week shows that he is still the same old person. No lie detector yet, more lies coming out, saying he doesn't have much time to post??? Getting a "friend" to call and cause MORE pain? Buddy, ANYONE interested in saving this and easing the pain that he caused would spend ALL THE TIME NECESSARY. He certainly found the time to call a lawyer to protect HIM!

I am a patient women and have been told by many that I am a bit of an enbabler by always wanting to see hope but this would do it for me.

I am SO sorry that he has and is doing all of this to you. You deserve so much more. ((hugs))

OMG. I'm flabergasted.

If it were me, this would be the straw that finally broke the camel's back. No more. Why in the WORLD wouldn't he tell you that he was even considering talking to an attorney? His rationale for doing so-- just plain old stinky BS. More deceit. More lies. More destruction.

These are not the acts of a repentant, remorseful man.

That's kind of my point .... it's his job to make sure you DO know about things now. His job to account for his time, prove that he's where he says he is, that you dont have anything to worry about.

Unless you want to build a dynamic of you always having to badger and check up and wonder if he's really telling you the truth. He's got to be the one doing the work. He should be proving himself to you. And so far, the proof he's giving you is not really supporting what you want, until you fight with him to MAKE him do what you want. Seems like that's going to get pretty exhausting pretty soon.

-AmI.

RLT, he's using the threat of a lawyer to control you.

My husband used to do me the same way, until I told him to "have at it". I told him that the next time he brought up divorce or a lawyer to me, he'd better be serious, cuz that is exactly what he'll get.

Yes, same here. Finally went over and read it.

rlt, there is no question in my mind that he will cheat again, the only question is how will you handle it? What will be in place to protect you and the interests of your children when it happens again. And it will.

It is your choice to stay with a serial cheater, I will not judge you for that, but -

Have your atty draw up a post nuptial that says if he cheats again, he walks and he walks away with nothing, except all his debt.

He will not sign a post nuptial agreement, I guarantee it. I wouldn't even care about the lie detector test anymore, I would be in self-protect mode. You going to have him do a lie detector test every year? He has already shown he is not going to anyway.

My worry, rlt is that the next time he cheats and he will, and the OW has money, or makes him feel like a young stud, or ...well just fill in the blank, he will leave you high and dry.

Please prepare for this. These are the changes YOU need to make. I think you are a SAHM, right? I strongly encourage you to get a job outside of the home now.

You cannot be at his mercy any longer.

You have to toughen up, and I don't mean with the grilling or the not backing down on the questions, or any of those things, I mean by protecting yourself and your interests, and excepting that he is a serial cheater.

How will you handle it the next time?

I am not talking divorce here (although because of what I have been through, and because having my DD in a happy home with a healthy, happy mother means EVERYTHING to me I would divorce him), I am talking protection.

He says, "If you thought that your spouse was threatening you with divorce, wouldn't you get yourself a lawyer?"

Long conversation on the phone with him, and he is defending this action.

He says he also called a counselor to get help for himself, and doesn't that count for anything?"

He does not understand why his calling a lawyer was an insult to me.

He says he does not like living his life by a message board, that that is all we ever talk about.

I am trying to just give the facts here, to get objective opinions.

This man is a train wreck. His own well-being is his primary concern. Sh1t, that is what got him into this in the first place and he STILL DOESN"T GET IT.

Wake the [censored] up Mr. RLT, either you want to stay married to RLT or not? If you do, get some help because you really just don't have a clue here. This isn't about YOU, and honestly, it isn't even about your marriage right now. IT IS ABOUT RLT.

You are the one who caused this mess and you need to act now to start fixing it, right now.

Stop worrying about your own sorry a$$ and get busy, or tell RLT that you aren't up to the challenges and hard work ahead to prove that you are still worth or her love. If you're not then pack your bags and leave her the h3ll alone so that she can start to heal.

Who

You are a party to your own abuse at this point. Stop having conversations with this jacka$$.



In fact, NO, it doesn't. He will just con the therapist just has he has tried to con everyone else.



Yes, he does...he knows..he just doesn't care.



Of course not...abusers hate when their victims have support systems in place. They try and isolate and make the abused feel as though they are crazy or that they deserve the abuse heaped on them.



As well you should.

And the facts are that your WH is a jerk and will most likely never change. YOU need to take control of your life and leave this garbage in the dust. He is abusing you on a daily basis and has been doing so year after year.

Of course he doessn't like that you spoke with OWH, that was exposure. He doesn't like being caught.

Of course, he doesn't like the message board. We are more objective and see right past all his [email]cr@p[/email], his lies and his horrible behavior this week. We aren't buying this, he can't gas light us. Believe me, if we were telling you to give him another chance, he'd be all about how great this board is.

Of course, he defends himself about the lawyer appointment. He can ONLY see this from HIS point of view.

And that RLT, is the point some of us are trying to make. His thinking is still completely, absolutely all about HIM...his needs, his protection. When this should only be about the devestation he has brought on you.

He is the one that nuked your family and he continues to defend and protect only himself.

I really am so deeply sorry for you RLT.

What ever happened to the polygraph?