Look carefully at your belief here.

WHY do you believe this?

You can't verify it.

You know he's a habitual liar.

What exactly is it that gives him credability?

He gave a good performance and moved you? Gained your sympathy?

Why do I believe that he told the whole truth?

I don't know, Noodle. Perhaps there is more. Probably there is. But he spilled a lot. And it was difficult for him.

If I can't verify it, if I can't believe him when he spills stuff that is very painful, then why do I eve bother?

Nothing gives him credibility right now.

But I don't see why this isn't a first good step.

RLT:

Actions, not words.

IF you feel he has come clean, it gives you a place to really start Rebuilding this marriage.

Show him approval of his actions.

What appointments does he have to make?

Does he?

Did he keep them?

Did he tell you what happened?

Did he schedule a followup?

That is what truly gives him credibility.

Words are nice. Really. Thank him for them.

But it is the actions that you should show him the most approval and support.

Actions, not words.

LG

He has an appt. with a counselor on Thursday.

i'm praying for you RLT. and for Mr.RLT too.

last word...I think ...if you let him weasel his way out of the polygraph you are inviting trouble into your life.

As Noodle says...He gave a good performance and moved you??? He has shown himself to be an actor in your life for year after year...and I would bet the house that he is continuing to do it. Counseling is fine after he passes the polygraph. He lies to everyone...you think he won't lie to a counselor???

I am not letting him weasel out of the polygraph, MEDC. I have a couple of calls in, and will make the final appt. tomorrow. There is also the dreaded money issue. I am waiting on a payday. This is not an excuse, just the way it is. I am working now on composing the questions.

I did have an issue this weekend where he (in a desperate moment) called his parents. Of course, they pleaded with him NOT to take the poly, and pretty much blasted me for even asking him to take one. They condone his every action, good or bad, and don't think he should be held accountable for anything.

Thank God, literally, that Mr. RLT, in prayer, was led in a different direction and has fully agreed to the polygraph.

Obviously, his parents and I are on the outs. I told Mr. RLT there can be no contact with them as long as they are against our recovery efforts, which they are. They were told this by him, and now, of course, I am the villian.

Thank you, FL

Is the neighbor on the permanent outs too - with a NC letter written to him?

Has he ponied up to set himself on a very lean budget to make up for the money he stole from the family to spend on HO?

Has he curtailed his temper and angry outbursts at you?

Has he curtailed his expectations that somehow you can ease up on him and all will be right?

Has he cut himself off from all addictive behaviors and found a general 12 step meeting in the area where he can find FREE recovery support?

Has he found himself a tough sponsor from that organization who will hold him accountable for his actions?

There is much ACTION he can do that will not cost a dime - but will cost him his pride - which I think is too expensive right now for him to hold on to?

Hi All,

I haven't posted because I have been emotionally exhausted.

A lot has happened, a lot of stuff I am trying to process.

Among the revelations that came out on Sunday was that Mr. RLT had an inappropriate kiss with my sister while I was pregnant with my third child. That was 13 years ago. My sister adamantly denies this. Mr. RLT adamantly says it DID happen. So, this will be one of the polygraph questions. If the polygraph shows he is being honest about it, I don't know what I will do. I know that there is to be no contact for life with anyone he had this type of encounter with. This puts me in a very bad spot, indeed.

Also, before we spoke on Sunday, Mr. RLT broke a rule which we'd made in counseling which was that he was to have no contact with his parents without me present. He got scared, and he called them looking for validation. He told them about the poly. Naturally they implored him NOT to take it. Of course they bad mouthed me the whole time. So he was getting what he wanted, comfort from them when he needed it. Long story short, this turned into a BIG fight. He called his parents, under my instruction, to tell them he could no longer have contact with them. I heard her bad mouthing me on the phone as he spoke to her. I yelled, F-U. She yelled it back. Mr. RLT hung up. Now I am the villian, again.

This is getting sickeningly ridiculous. I have about had it. His cousin sent him an email saying something about how he should make up his own mind and not let someone else dictate his actions. He wrote back some blubbery note about how much he loves his "darling cousin" and knows that everyone in his family loves him "no matter what."

What a bunch of BS.

I am trying to help the guy and he keeps running back to these people for justification of his actions.

I'm about to give up here...

RT..you have lowered the price of admission to your life so far right now that it seems that you are willing to accept anything to remain married. MB is not marriage at all costs. At last count this man has had at least...and I say at least since I still believe there is more to be said...8 affairs of one sort or another. on top of that he is a liar of astronomical proportions. He lies to any and everyone.

Yet..you are "about to give up." What hasn't this man done to you? Why do you value yourself so little to accept a person treating you this way? He should have been kicked to the curb a long time ago and he should have needed to prove himself before you ever gave him another shot at redemption. And yet it is only NOW getting sickeningly ridiculous. Sorry...that bridge was passed a long time ago. You are a party to your own pain at this point...you have looked the enemy in the eyes...and in many ways, it is you. You are the one that is allowing him to treat you like dirt...you are the one that is giving him repeated get out of jail free cards...he has earned nothing.
Your H is a sick, twisted and demented "man." Sorry, but that is the truth. does he have the ability to change??? Maybe...but not on his own and it will take a long time. What about this "man" makes him worth the wait? What about this "man" makes you think he is a good father? He's not. Never was.
Sorry...but these words are the truth RLT...I feel for your pain...but you will continue to suffer as long as you allow him access to your life.

REading my old posts here from last year.

God, what an a$$ I was!!!

EVERYONE here was telling me to trust THEM, not HIM, and that he was, INDEED, still in the affair.

I jumped to his defense. I said I was confinced that he wasn't.

I was wrong. I was gaslighted. I was tricked.

He lied.

STOP blaming yourself and DO something about this.
Your life could be so much better.
RLT, I go out on dates with women that have allowed themselves to be abused for far too long...you know what...most of them have allowed so much damage to happen to them that they are afraid to care/trust/love. NEVER let the ****** win. Take back your life. He does not deserve it.

Do you think I should divorce him, MEDC?

I was basically told by him on Sunday that he is a sex addict. I won't give details because they are too heartwrenching.

He needs helps. He needs serious help. And he is taking steps to get it. He has an appt. Thurs. with a sex addiction counselor.

Should I just bail on him ... now?

Yes, I do think you should divorce him...but that is just my opinion.
What I DO KNOW, is that you should be apart from him right now. His appointement, IMO, is just another attempt to pull the wool over your eyes.
RLT, you need to remove yourself from him before you can really see how toxic he really is.
But since you asked for my opinion...divorce yes.....as fast as possible.

RLT,

I hesitate to post to you now since you've basically ignored my posts on this thread, and I don't know why. But that's o.k.

My last piece of advice....read the RecoveryNation website for information on sexual addiction yourself, if you haven't already, and decide for yourself if he really is an addict, or just an a-hole. The more info you have, the better informed you'll be to make a decision you can live with.

Edited to add.....even if he is an addict, don't let him use that as an excuse for further infidelity. You'll see why after you've read enough.

OMG--Mopey--I NEVER MEANT TO IGNORE YOU!!!

Please, don't think that. I value your input as I know we have been in the same situation.

I'm sorry. My head is just spinning. I don't even know when or who I am responding to anymore.

I am SO SORRY.

Thank you. I have gone on recoverynation.com. I went on it last year after someone was tipped off that that may have been his problem.

You're right. I WILL NOT let him use this as an excuse for further infidelity.

Mopey, is your husband Windstopped?
Are you guys dealing with sex addition issues?

If so, I'd like to talk to you. This is so foreign to me, and I really need help with it.

Thank you.

I'll be waiting for your post.

Thanks RLT. I thought you may have ignored my posts because you didn't want to consider the possibility that he may have a sexual addiction. I felt like the grim reaper.

I completely understand the head spinning part. Now, you have soooo many issues to deal with that they all just run together and the second you pinpoint some pain, there's more to pinpoint right after it, and so on, and so on.....

And I'm sorry that I felt ignored. I should understand better than anyone how hard it is to post when you're in so much turmoil. I have regrettably done that myself in the past.

Future pact......don't feel obligated to post back to me if you're not able to because I understand. I know sometimes it takes me a few weeks before I can get back to something because I haven't processed it yet.





Good. But now, I think it would be wise of you to go back and read as much as you can in the partner's lessons and the SA's lessons. Also read the lesson responses and the forums. My H is an equal opportunity addict (previously in HS it was drugs, then alcohol, then books, then video games with sexual stuff in between) so, I am still trying to figure out if he's really an SA or just an a-hole.

However, my H is doing a lot to try to save our marriage, and the RN site makes sense, and there is hope for me should I decide that I can accept the past and build a new future with him. I'm not making any promises at this point, but I am still working on it because he is. I told him this weekend that I don't know if I can ever get past the fact that he was unfaithful to me from the beginning of our relationship. One day at a time is how I'm dealing with it.

Make a special effort to read what "true recovery" looks like on that site.



Good because if you were to, he'd never change. It's like a kid who was abused and using that as an excuse to do whatever they feel like it in their adult life. It just doesn't work that way.



Yes, he is Windstopped on this forum and on the RN site. And yes, we are dealing with SA issues. You can read his stuff. Just do a search for his name.



I'd be happy to talk with you. You can e-mail me at [email]mopey100@gmail.com.[/email] If you want to talk by phone, let me know in the e-mail and we can exchange phone numbers.

I have to warn you though, I'm only 6 weeks into this and I don't have all the answers myself but Coach Jon, Coach Beth and Coach Laurie are there to help with questions if you post in the forums.

When I was where you are at right now, I couldn't believe this was my life. Still can't really. But remember, this is not about you, it's about your husband and HIS immaturity. You and I are in a whole other league.

And don't blame yourself for trusting your H, SA's are VERY skilled at lying, they've been doing it their whole lives are are experts. They have learned to rationalize their behavior way before we knew them.

mopey,

I sent you an email.

I will send you another with my phone #.

RLT..while I am sure that Mopey will have valuable insight for you...it is time for you to STOP wondering about the why's and the how's with your H. Just start dealing with what IS. SA IMO is just another crutch that people use for acting a horribel fashion.
Even if it is true...which I highly doubt..your H is still not someone that should be allowed access to your life. You have enough to deal with regarding that clown...don't try and find yet another reason to explain away his behavior.

MEDC