I got it RLT and responded.

Medc.....I agree that having a "sexual addiction" can be used by people as a crutch. But not with me. I am not and will never use that as an excuse for what he has done to me.

Just checking in on you RLT. Hope you are having a good day. Please know that I pray for you often.

RLT, just thinking about you guys this morning.

SA is not only a social issue but it's also a spiritual issue.

A couple of years ago at our church they devoted an entire Sunday morning service to this issue (SA). They had all the younger children leave but asked that the teenagers and young adults stay. They had a panel of six couples on the platform in a forum like circle who discussed how SA (including pornography and affairs) affected (devasted) their lives and their marriages. Some of the men ended up divorced and some stayed in their marriages. All of them were healed or on the road to healing. One of the major themes throughout the discussion was accountability (to their wives, to other men going through the same thing, to their pastor(s), etc). There could be no healing without it.

the problem is that too many people will claim a sexual addiction to try and excuse their horrible behavior.
I would say that the vast majority of people that claim sexual addiction of full of baloney.
But like everything else in our society today...call it an addiction and gain some sympathy.

I have a diagnosis for the WH in this situation. He is a selfish, self centered little boy that felt he could abuse and manipulate his wife all he wanted. he is a typical abuser that makes the abused feel as though something is wrong with her. Nothing special about this man...and I use that term to identify his gender only...he is just a run of the mill abusive spouse that has been at it for years.

I don't always agree with everything you say, but you have hit on something here that I wholeheartedly agree with! "Addiction" is such an over-used term, oftentimes used to mask the fact that most of us do exactly what we want to do. I get weary of excuses of sex addiction, porn addiction, alcohol addiction, food addiction, drug addiction, rage addiction etc. etc. If people would just own up the fact that they let their sin of choice affect their actions, and that they can quit behaving destructively with God's help, when they so choose, it would make life a lot simpler.

even those that have no God in their daily lives...those that do not believe do not need to use these ridiculous crutches to explain away their horrible behavior...they do not need to succumb to their base desires.
Look at Hollywood these days...every time someone says or does something wrong now....they enter rehab for one addiction or another. It is all "spin" to make them seem like a victim rather than a lousy person.

It's a very effective way of keeping RLT in the game. It also deflects any attention away from WH, and his accountability, his responsibility to provide protection to RLT in the event of future infidelity.

All it does for me though, is cement my thoughts that RLT should demand a post-nuptial agreement outlining exactly what will happen in the event of future screw ups.

As an SA, the likelihood of relapse is even more highly probable.

If the man truly loves his family, if he truly feels he is an SA...nothing should stop him from offering this type of protection to them.

Insurance, not assurance.

Actually, be he truly an addict, a post-nup is the kindest thing rlt can do for him as well. Nothing like the very real consequence of walking away with nothing to keep you on the right path.

Mark, if you are still around, I would like to apologise for the brutalness of my response to you the other night. It was nothing personal against you, you are a kind and valued poster. I am so sorry if I hurt your feelings in any way.

WH is not a victim here. His parents do not make him unaccountable, he does that all on his own.



Why dan't he talk to his parents? He is not a child, he is a grown man. Don't fall into the trap of making him into the victim by making his parents out to be villains. You both need to hold yourselves accoutnable for your actions (or inactions).

You are falling into (or have always been) the role of jailer. This suits the infidels needs perfectly.



Help in what rlt? You are not his mother. Why are you in this role?

You are portraying yourself as the jailer and the rescuer. How will that work?

Let him clean up his own mess rlt. Let him become a man who is not influenced by others, only his own moral code and value system.

You are preventing this from happening. This is what Noodle and Kayla (through her recounting of her experience) are getting at.

You have decided to play the game, when you should have removed yourself from it and let him rise to the occasion.

Your choice, but it lowers the chances of that man ever being a great husband and good man, IMHO.

We can all tell stories upon stories of people who have changed and become good people, but only when the others in their life got the ****** out of the way and let them fall. And then forced them to prove themselves.

This is what brings on change.

I know nothing of SA or it's validity, so I'm going to bow out of your thread now. Call me out if your ever want to. And know that I will be thinking of you and hoping for the very best outcome for you and your children, rlt.

You're right, weaver.

As far as those of you questioning whether or not he is an SA, well, I don't know myself. What constitutes an SA? What separates an SA from just a plain ol' a-hole, as mopey says?

There's info given to me I haven't posted here. There's also info that Mr. RLT is withholding. More cruelty ... throwing out bits and pieces of a story, but then keeping the rest ... "I'll only tell you IF you commit to me." Right. "I'll tell you when I feel safe telling you." Translation: I'm gonna hold my cards here as long as I see fit, and to he77 with what you think, what you're going through."

Have you two ever filled out the personal history questionnaire from Harley?

no we have not, ST. I do have the book with all of the questionnaires in it.

But given his most recent stance, he would not even be honest if I had him fill it out anyway.

Hard reality/truth -- Until he becomes 1000% honest, there is no chance of recovery. Perhaps a true seperation will show him the seriousness of the situation.

He will treat you like dirt as long as you let him.

You are worth more than this....and yet..here you still are dealing with a man that abuses you on a daily basis.

Let me ask you RLT...what will it take for you to give up on him? What hasn't he done to you already?

As far as what seperates a SA from a plain ol a-hole...web MD has a nice decription of it. But I think what really seperates it is if he has an audience that is willing to buy his sob story.

You will still be stuck 12 months from now if you keep him in your life. At that point, you will look back and have a bunch of regrets about how he stole another year from you.

What is your payoff for stying with this abusive coward?

I don't see having an explaination of why someone behaved in the past the way they did as making excuses. It's what happens after new knowledge is gained that will show whether it's going to continue. Or whether there is some sort of expectation that it removes consequences.

Any label can be used as an excuse for behavior. Take Wayward Spouse as an example. "She's in a fog." How often do we see that explaination tossed out to describe someones behavior. Then it's used for plan A/plan B/180...etc.

Labels simply make it easier to describe something.

I'm very happy someone suggested RN to my wife and I. I can relate to the feelings of the people there and there is a solid plan in place to remove the root of addictive behaviors. This isn't limited to sexual addiction. The root is the same for all addictions. At least, that's my current belief. I don't know whether I would be considered SA or not. I know I didn't go as far into it as most that post there. I never made it beyond what's described as "stage 1". I also know some of my thoughts and feelings match what that label describes.

I am in no way suggesting my wife alter her choices based on this knowledge. My choices have destroyed our marriage. I don't expect her to live with the fear of being inimate with me. She'll need to decide whether it's worth the risk going forward.

I plan to continue working on the lessons that deal with intimacy problems. Sorry....SA....for all the label readers.

Windstopped,

What is that root?

((RLT)))

If I understand your earlier post today there are new secrets that are still trickling in AND he is purposely withholding more information until you committ to him?

I am having a lot of difficutly understanding the type of thinking that is going on.

First, how could anyone be expected to commit to anything without all the facts? This is very backward thinking. Secondly, haven't you previously shown that you had committed fully only to be hurt again and again?

And lastly, ask yourself how he can even think that he should make ANY demands at this point? If he were completely humbled and regrettful all truth would have been out at this point and he would be OFFERING everything he had to stop your pain and beg forgiveness and to show HIS COMITTMENT TO YOU, not the other way around.

Who knows if he is SA or not, to me it would not really matter that much ( I do think MEDCs assumption that he is grabbing for an excuse is absolutely right). What matters is how you have been treated and the expectation of how you will be treated in the future.

At his presumably most humble time he still is withholding information from you and using it as a bartering tool to get you back. This is rather strange thinking RLT. Like MEDC asked, what are you receiving from this relationship that keeps you here? Not a 2x4 at all, just a question.

Only if he choses to continue his sick behavior and she choses to base her identity on him.

Problems with intimacy.

On second thought, I don't want to muddy up rlt's thread with a concurrent discussion. Sorry.

everything sothis said is exactly what I told Mr. RLT--it's backwards thinking. But honestly, I am coming to a sad realization here that his emotional growth was seriously stunted along the lines, most definitely having to do with his upbringing, and all of the warped concepts (for lack of a better word) that were taught him. But he doesn't see that. He swims in his own sense of warped reality while many who know him look at him when he speaks and says, "Ha?"
Even his own kids do it.

Can he get over it? Can he come to a new reality?

I dunno...

Windstopped ... I agree with you. If he recognizes the behavior, (ALL of the behavior, the twisted way of thinking and turning things around AS WELL as the SA), then there might be a hope for recovery here.

He, too, has problems with intimacy.

sick, what am I receiving that keeps me in the relationship?

I'll tell you the truth, sick. I have my own issues. My father abandoned his wife and 3 kids when I was 12. I was the oldest. I became a total co depdendent because of it. And I am SCARED TO DEATH of a second abandonment.

So there's your answer.