RLT...you have already been abandonned. The only one that hasn't seen that yet is you.
If you cut loose of this creep, you will find a better life. He is a cancer to your self esteem and life...and the longer you let it spread...the more difficult it will be to remove.

You are being abused.

Medc,

I understand what you are saying, at least I am coming to an understanding of what you are saying.

But please don't call him a creep. It doesn't do anybody any good.

I'm not defending his actions. I'm not.

weaver, I didn't get to see what you edited.

What concurrent issues?

RLT...let me ask you a question...is he a creep? I eam that in all seriousness. In your opinion...what does it take to rise to the level of "creep" or some other things that have been used to describe him?

Is he a liar...or someone that just happens to lie?

Is he a cheater...or a victim of his own actions?

Is he an abuser?

Really RLT...if your H is not a creep...what else would he have to do to earn that title? How many more lies, affairs and abuse would he have to put you through?

I used the word creep as a generic term. IMHO, he deserves mush more. I am just curious as to why you are unwilling to call a spade a spade.

If you child came home and told you he was treated like this...how would you feel? Do you think stronger words than creep would flow?

I really am curious and trying to get you to focus on just how bad your H has been.

Yes, Medc, he has been bad. He has been very bad.

But (and again, I'm not defending him here), he is a human being with a bucket load of problems. And believe or not he has good qualities, too. If he didn't, I wouldn't still be here.

Medc, despite EVERYTHING, I have a lifetime of great memories with this man. I have 3 wonderful children with him. We've lived through just about anything and everything a married couple can live through ... poverty, prosperity, sickness, laughter, tears, dreams, broken dreams, successes, failures ... the list goes on.

How does one just end that, MEDC?

And if it comes to light that he does truly have an addiction problem, I'm just supposed to bail on him?

Didn't I marry him in sickness and in health?

I know you think SA is just an excuse he's wielding around. And perhaps it is. But maybe it isn't.

I guess time will tell.

Oh, it was just a question on addictions and how problems with intimacy could be related to all addictions. I don't want to confuse the issue with my own personal thing I have going on right now.

Also I will add that I agree you have already been abandoned, and also with Wind, that one of the problems you need to address is basing your identity on you know who.

Also, I went back and read one of your old threads to see if I could see anything where I may be offbase in saying you need to make some changes...and I didn't.

Noodle has mentioned last year in November that what you needed to do was find out who your are, what your boundaries are.

This is a first step in really being able to change our lives.

I was fortunate to have very strong women and men here help me in that dept, also I studied what made them so succesful in their lives. It was my life's mission at the time. I simply could not stand the pain any more, and I knew I was partly to blame.

It was a radical change in perspective for me, and very life changing.

You don't want us bashing your WH, but I have to tell you that in my my life no one, NO ONE told me what a jerk my ex was. They all enabled him, even his children and mother, even my own family, even my friends..."if only I could help bring up his self-esteem" "maybe it was true and all his past three wives just weren't the right women for him, and I was" "maybe he wasn't really a POS, just lost and needed a good woman like me" "maybe if I signed over that one piece of property, his self esteem wuold get that boost it needed"... Only my college aged Nephew never, ever waivered in his opinion (he was the one who took the call from ex's wife telling me he was married (8 months and us being engaged before I knew)...for the whole five years later, my nephew never looked him in the face or spoke to him. He was the only one who had the balls to say this guy is no good, and I am not going to pretend he is.

There were a few here who would also never waivered, once knowing my story, they told me from the get go, he was a POS... WAT, 2long, Graycloud....and then Mel, and Pep, shattered dreams...in all their wisdom and mostly by me just reading their stuff (along with many other men and women I used to read here)...helped me to see ...

Well I used to be just like you. I was so brainwashed, so confused, so hurt...I needed to hear what we are telling you.

great memories. and how many of those great memories are tainted by his actions? How many are truly clean? From what I have read in your thread...I would venture zero.

The thing is rlt, he won't change unless he absolutely has to...and you will continue in the unhealthy dynamic of rescuer, punisher, jailer.

I just want you to protect yourself, and I want him to show his commitment by protecting you as well.

I can't get past the fact that he says he wants to be married and be faithful, he wants your commitment but he offers no concrete protection for you... And as someone else says, he is not 1000 percent honest, not even 100. There is absolutely no transparent honesty, this is why you wanted the polygraph in the first place.

And now he is an SA, so he needs your help. How can you leave him now indeed.

It's so obvious to us. Everything he does is designed to avoid responsiblity...and it appears everyone in his life encourages this. Even you.

It's his parents fault.

He has so many problems.

He has this terrible SA.

Don't you see this, what's going on?

I don't believe him because he is not offering any protection to you against himself.

Why would you even want to try without that? This is not a one one affair that happened to a person with an otherwise spotless record. This is a whole nutha animal.

a whole nutha animal.

And I have to slowly come to this realization.

Do you know how difficult that is?

And yes, Medc, you're right. It is all tainted.

Yes. Please go back and read Kayla's threads, on how her husband changed. Kayla said we probably shouldn't keep putting this out here for him to read.

But go back and read. The answers are in this thread. Come up with plan, while at the same time knowing that you have a lot of control in this.

You don't have to get divorced if you don't want to. Re-read the posts to you and see where the answers are. There is a way, rlt. Find it.

RLT,

I didn't really ask the question for me to know the answer as much as I wanted to know if YOU knew why you choose to stay in this environment. I assumed it was fear of something beause fear is almost always what keeps us stuck. It is good for you that you know what it is...fear of abandonment.

Others have said you have already been abandoned. I would agree as well. It is clear that you are having trouble seeing what we are seeing. That is very common with people that have been abused, and this is absolutely abuse dear. I'm sorry and I realize this will be horribly painful for you, but you must start to demand honesty from yourself.

PLEASE don't get distracted with the SA thing, RLT. It's another ruse and it doesn't change one thing. Not one. Maybe I'm getting this wrong but it sounds like you want to cling to any excuse to explain away his actions. That is enabling and codependent behavior. Totally normal for people who have had things twisted around on them for so long. It really is important for you to stop the codependent pattern...that will help you see what's really there and it will actually help Mr Rlt too.



I notice that you continue to protect him..why is that? You are protecting the very person that has inflicted all the damage to your family. Even really bad people often have some redeeming qualities but if they continue to inflict pain, when does the pain out weigh the good? I guess that's another question....Do the good memories and his good qualities really over come what he has done for the entire marriage? Really put some thought on that.

Last question...how does all of this effect your children? What are they learning?

(((RLT)))

My children are deeply affected.

One has moved out for a second time, and I don't blame him. I told him I would go with him if I could (just kidding, of course). He's 18, so he was going to move out soon, anyway. I just didn't want it under these circumstances.

The 17 year old boy, I caught watching porn in the middle of the night two nights ago. Great.

The third, our daughter, 13, is trying VERY hard to just live a kid life. I think she is already exhibiting conflict avoidant behavior as she tries very hard to pretend that nothing is wrong.

Yes, indeed, it is ins't it? I'm no shrink, but I have heard that this type of personality is frequently referred to as a sociopath. that simply means they have no moral compass, and no sympathy for whomever they hurt that comes in their path.

If you are in the way of their desires, they will run over you like a freight train and not look back.

I truly hope this is not your case RLT, but change of heart begins in the soul. Has Mr. RLT begun to reach out to God yet, or does he still belive he can fix it himself?

Be wary of his plan, and look for signs of God"s plan.

All blessings,
Jerry

Jerry,

Here's the thing:

For the past year and a half, he appeared to reaching out for God's Plan. What did I discover was really going on in that time ... when he had begun reading the Bible daily and going to church????

That he, indeed, was still carrying on with OW, taking HER to church (albeit, a Unity church, which is a joke, IMO), and actually bought her a cross necklace.

That, when he DID come home in earnest in November, he was still carrying around a butt load of secrets which he NEVER intended to tell me, ever.

I think he was trying to play two ends against the middle, trying to follow God's Plan, and his own, concurrently, and thinking that it would actually work, and that God had already forgiven him, so what the hay.

I think God is convicting him right now.

That's what I think.

oh, and btw, he is still carrying secrets.

God will convict him of those, too.

I know you are wounded RLT...but can't you see what you are allowing to happen here. No matter how tough this is, your husband is tearing apart your entire family.
Imagine for a minute...last year you got rid of him..or at least forced him to earn his way back into your life with actions, not words...how much better could your and your children's lives be right now? I think a lot.
I don't think you need to feel guilty about this...I think you just need to change it NOW...not tomorrow, not this weekend...NOW. You need to stop thinking about this and start doing something about this.
Look at SMB's situation...and your H is a lot worse than hers...think her kids are better off now? I do.
It's time and the longer you wait, the more damage you and your kids will suffer.

You had the opportunity last week to put his feet to the fire...giving him one chance to be honest with you...yet here you still are...made aware of a few more of his atrocious activities...and yet, he still keeps secrets, calls a lawyer, drags his feet on the polygraph, seeks out enablers...etc.

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

what could you be if you were no longer afraid?

what could I be?

I don't know, MEDC. I have never been anything except what I am.

you could be a woman that is proud of her life

a woman that shows her kids what self respect is all about...by her actions.

you could be loved in a healthy fashion.

you could recognize that you are worthy of every good thing that comes your way.

you could be the woman that instead of wasting any more time on an abuser..is willing to take the chance and really live her life to the fullest.

I have been on dates with women...fantastic women that had been sucked into the type of life that has become the norm for you...they are now radiant. Their own laugh doesn't startle them anymore...it is a welcome friend...not an infrequent guest.

You could laugh from the gut, smile with your eyes...breathe...really breathe for the first time in years.

Every journey begins with a first step.

If he is doing nothing about it....yes. (IMO anyway...it's your life....and your kid's)

Anything else on his part is simply using it as an excuse.

Seeing potential reasons someone developed an unhealthy way of dealing with life doesn't absolve them the consequences. Protecting him from the consequences stunts his growth.