I've been following your story, but not posting too much. I think you are doing as well as can be expected. There is no hurry to do anything.

Just take care of yourself and your children. Hopefully hubby will do what he needs to do.

Please read Out of the Shadows.

I'm assuming you H has finished it and relates?

There is a section in there for coaddicts too.

most likely it is time to get a job and start working on your independence.

on it, medc.

RTL, I have been following your thread, I know what you feel like. I asked my H to do a polygraph, at first H said he dosen't see a reason to, he said he has done everything why should he have to do that, then when he saw the look on my face he agreed, I sent him the link and info to schedule one, that is the last I have heard of any of it, that has been close to a month now. I already moved out for 6 months, no intention of coming back, it wasen't a game. I did come back, H did everything he could at that time I was gone, told everything and insists that its the truth. H continued counseling and read everything the mc told him to, made dates with me and answered all questions, he appeared to have to suck it up to answer them to, it was hard on him to say the least (good!) at the time I didn't consider a polygraph, I wish I had, my biggest thing about the truth is, I don't want to run into someone that knows more then me, its a small world, that would bother me, no that would P!SS me off! tell me now, don't let me find out from someone I run into at the grocery store. I am going to give it some time here, maybe another 2 wks and then I am insisting on it. I think a polygraph should be done right from the get go, if everyone knows the thruth its easier recovery for all involved,
I just wanted to offer my support and good luck to you, hang tough.

Hi RLT....

Just wanted to check up on you. Want to see if you're doing o.k. Just let us know you're still alive and kicking, k?

I haven't been in the mood to talk. Things are not good around here. My pain, anger, and confusion is a little more than my H can take. I had an affair discussion with him yesterday and it was the same ole pattern. He skirted around my question, it was like pulling teeth again. I think to avoid telling me he had seen his ex-gf, the one he had sex with right before we were married, about 6 times since we've been married. He "didn't want to tell me to help me avoid another trigger", the trigger being a place where we like to eat and she use to work there. That's where he saw her all those times and never told me about it.

I kicked him out, again, last night. I honestly feel like he was lying to me about the questions and trying to convince me his intentions were pure. He blames me for "not getting his intent". It felt like crazy making again.

Today he says he's glad we're separated. Going to start going to SA meetings "where there will be people who understand and support him". I'm sure he could use the support, but I gotta tell you, I don't feel comfortable with the people at SA mtgs....lol.....especially if there are SA women!....lol.....

It feels like bailing out to me, him being happy about the separation that is. I've often wondered if a separation would be best even though he seems to be working on recovery. I have mixed feelings about it. If he were not actively pursuing recovery, it would be a no brainer, separation or divorce. But maybe it's not recovery, maybe he did intend to lie to me yesterday. He admitted he "techniqually lied". I'm falling for it again, aren't I? I'm second guessing myself.

However, I think I could use the time to work on myself without all of these distractions, but I feel like I'm in this alone now. I know I can do this, but if I have to do it alone, then that doesn't make me feel cared for. I don't really know what his intentions are. I'm hurting too bad to ask right now. I think he wants to punish me "for not believing him" and being upset because I don't. I do tend to yell when I feel like I'm being lied to, and usually, I am being lied to. At least I was in the past, Last night felt the same.

This is so hard. I never asked for all of this. The worst part about it all is that I feel he expects more out of me. To be stronger, and I don't feel so strong anymore. I am tired. I just want to be loved and cherished and understood. I have been angry at times, many times over the last 6 wks especially, judgmental and critical. I can't help it when I am trying to process all of this with him. He was horrible regarding my feelings and it's not something that is so easy to get over. I had 7 weeks to process 4 more affairs and some other stuff. And I'm already tired from the year before that.

I just wanted to vent. I figured you would understand. I have a ton of work to do. Two exams in two days and I'm so far behind I'm pretty sure I'm going to flunk them. This will be the first semester I haven't been able to pull it together. More stress. I'm going to try to study after this post.


I'll talk to you soon. I need to lock myself down and study until my exams are over on Thursday.

I hope you're o.k.

Hey Mopey,

I'm still sucking in air.

So sorry to hear about your crappy weekend. I hate the lieing thing. And I hate not being able to trust a dang word out of a wayward/SA's mouth.

I agree 100% on the SA meetings and women. NO WAY will Mr. RLT go to a "mixed company" meeting. I could just see it, ew, I don't want to. But mixing up male and female SA's would be, let's just say, NOT a good idea.

Crazy making comes from all the deception and gaslighting. When they do this, they don't allow you to put two and two together, and make a decision based on FACTS, not LIES. The IDEA that Mr. RLT made decisions and allowed me to make decisions based on only what he wanted to reveal to me, is most damming.

Conversely to yours, my weekend was relatively quiet. For the most part, I did my thing, he did his. And that's just the way it's going to have to be for awhile.

So get to your books, Mopey. Study. You won't fail. I'm sorry Mr. Mopey is gone, but maybe it's for the best right now, for YOU.

Hey, you know where to jingle me if you need to. I'm here.

RLT

Thanks RLT.

I feel better knowing you're hanging in there and still suckin' air.

Back to the books......soooo hard to focus.....

Hi MBers,

All is pretty quiet here. I'm still just looking for my footing right now, hoping and praying that this bottom is really the bottom, and I don't have further to go.

I'm keeping to myself mostly, and keeping Mr. RLT at a safe distance because it is actually painful sometimes just to look at him and know what he has done. If I can't ever get over that, there won't be any hope.

I do know he has another counselor meeting today, and that he is investigating accountability groups to start participating in. He also wrote and sent a letter to his parents establishing NC.

I have written my 5 questions for the polgraph. That took a little bit of time, having to whittle the list down. Anyway, I put the call in just now, so I'm waiting for him to call me back and we can get this over with.

That's all. Just wanted to let you know I'm still kicking, and I do appreciate everyone's concern.

RLT

Good luck, RLT. I'm reading and pulling for you.

thank you, sdguy.

RLT,

Continuing to pray for you...for clarity and peace. I know this is so difficult. I relate to the statement you made about it being painful just looking at him. I felt that, too, before WS moved out. That feeling has passed, at least for now.

Keep hangin' on. God has not forgotten you or your pain. He will work something for good. We'll look back one day on this time in our lives and see His hand.

SMB,

Thank you for this. I need all the encouragement I can get right now.

You know, the sad thing is, I thought that I'd already seen God's hand in this, when he brought Mr. RLT back and we renewed our vows. I thought he was working something for good, then.

Only to find myself here ... like it was some kind of sick joke.

RLT

What are you doing for YOUR recovery today?

Your goal is to remove yourself from dynamic of basing your future on his words and actions or inactions. Your goal is to choose for yourself, just for today - so your feelings are protected from having to respond or react to the addiction.

How is your self-care going?

I'm looking for a job.
I'm hanging out with the kids.
I'm working on my novel.
I'm decorating the house for Halloween with my daughter.

What I'm trying to do, but can't get myself to do it:
Read.

I probably spend way too much time on MB reading sad stories. I should try and break from that.

I'm keeping my husband at a safe emotional and physical distance.

I've looked into CoSa meetings, but honestly don't have the stomach or the energy for it right now.

Thank you for asking, Kayla.

RLT,

My heart is so heavy for you. I respect your choice to do to this "separation", but it seems like there is no "safe haven" for you because of it.

Please keep posting.

Yeah - reading here can be more than a bit rough for you in the situation you're in. Harley flat out told me that until the addiction is dealt with there can not be any significant marriage building.

You are wise to require the all-male meetings as well - my husband got caught up in a "recovery" relationship with a woman who did some major damage to me and my faith - and THAT was just an emotional affair - husband was marriage-builder smart to recognize an EA for what it was when she was nervy enough to ask a VERY personal question - playing therapist, I guess. He told me, we both told her no one-on-one contact EVER again, she played God - or at least said He told her to violate that request...

Male addicts in recovery will set up boundaries for themselves - no car-pooling or any other way having unsupervised contact with females again - none. No excuses.

SMB, since he works so much, it's not as difficult as you might think. He's washing dishes four nights a week. My son works with him. I really do have a lot of alone time.

Kayla, yes I did tell him NO mixed company SA meetings. No way. That's just asking for t-r-o-u-b-l-e.

I hadn't really thought so far ahead as to what you are addressing--no car pools with females, etc. I did tell him, no business lunches with females without a male present, or ME. But jeez, this will have to extend to everyone, I guess--sister, SIL, close friends. How bizarre this will be.

He had about 10 minutes between jobs this afternoon. He'd gone to his second counselor meeting. I didn't talk much with him, but I could see that he was very heavy hearted.

He apologized again, said something about how he is just now starting to see the devestation on his actions on me. I listened, but did not, could not look him in the eye.

I kept a safe emotional distance because I am slowly learning that only his actions will matter at this point, not his words.

RLT,

It sounds like you are handling this all very well. I know it may not feel that way.

Perhaps your H fog is clearing, if he is starting to see the devastation of his actions on you. When I think of my WH, I can only wish he could begin to comprehend the devastation to me and the children because that would be a sign of his heart humbling and softening and his focus redirecting OFF himself. But he continues to live in denial. I would think that someone who is truly peeling his layers off, would be overwhelmed with grief and guilt as their eyes and heart see the destruction of their tornado.

You say you are learning that only his actions will matter, and that is good that you are keeping that focus. If he is seeing the destruction, there will certainly be actions that follow to prove that.

Hope today you see something beautiful in God's world and can really soak it up and feel His presence.

false grief is tool used by many a WS. Actions ... and only actions matter...long term, verifiable actions.

I think many WS should be given an academy award for their acting ability!