rlt, you are getting such good advice here, I'm so happy for that. The ladies and men were invaluable to me as a guaging tool for reality...like a reality check because I really couldn't tell anymore what was real...couldn't separate the truth from the lies.

What kind of jobs are you looking at? I have to change jobs soon after working at the same one for 20 years and the thought of it is pretty scary. I've been in the corporate world so long and am so sick of it. I honestly want to work in the food service or tourist industry again, but don't know if I have the guts to try it now.

It's neat that you are working on a novel. Creativity springs from pain, if you let it.

I met an artist down in Savannah, a young kid that told me his mom was murdered in PA and instead of turning to drugs or violence, he started drawing. Dived right into it and stayed obsessed with drawing...ended up in Savannah and now supports himself that way.

I understand this more than you know.

You see, I was a victim of sexual abuse by my brothers. H was physically and verbally abused by his mother. H, FIL, SIL are recovering alcoholics/addicts, and many other extended family are still using or in recovery.

I looked at my marriage, and felt with all my heart and soul that God had intervened in a MIGHTY was to heal us of our past hurts and do a new and good work in us. It seemed as if His hand had reached down and touched us both, and that His gift to us was this incredible marriage and family. Every time I shared about my life with anyone or gave testimony in any way, this was the HEART of my story. God blessing me with this awesome H and our children. My life song was "I am so blessed" by Martina McBride. (It's sad to let that one go).

So now what am I to think? Well, what I see is that H has not yet been healed of his childhood hurt and continues to seek something (or someone) to fill that longing in his heart. I thought he had filled it with Jesus, but now it is clear that he is still longing.

BUT through this incredibily painful experience that I am living right now, I observe myself...my feelings, thoughts, and actions. What do I see? Praise the Lord, I see someone who has TRULY BEEN HEALED of childhood abuse and hurt. I see someone who is not making decisions based on unhealthy needs or warped thinking processes. I see a woman strong in God, not a child still reacting from a place of fear and hurt. I see someone facing adversity by standing strong in her beliefs of who God is and who she is in Him. I see a woman who, although hurt in an incredibly deep way, does not question her value as wife, mother, lover, friend, woman, etc. because of my H's bad choices.

So, I can no longer claim that God blessed me with a wonderful, loving marriage and the most incredible H on earth. These past months, I have been struggling with letting this "testimony" go, just as you are questioning your false recovery.

I do claim that GOD HEALED ME before, and therefore, I KNOW He will heal me again. He will restore my heart. I have NO doubt. I have seen His mighty hand.

He will heal you, too, RLT, if you are willing to walk the journey. His refining fire burns but makes something beautiful. The reshaping of the clay can be painful, but its result is lovely to the potter's eyes.

Continue to focus on your personal recovery, and let God decide if that will include H or not. Remember, He may have something better for you (I don't necessarily mean a man).

Right now we are looking at a snapshot of a moment in our lives (yes, it feels like eternity). But as all the snapshots are placed into our memory albums, years from now we will see God made things good for those of us who love him and are called to his purposes. We cannot imagine, yet, where He is taking us. But we can trust in Him.

1 Peter 5:10:

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, establish, and strengthen you.

Amen SMB.

Hey everyone, he took the polygraph today, and passed it.

Thank goodness!!!! That is such good news. Now at least THAT can be laid to rest. Are you feeling somewhat better?

Somewhat, believer. I'm glad he told the truth and everything is out.

But it doesn't mean we don't have a whole lot of work ahead of us. His--to get some serious help with his addiction via counseling and accountability groups, which he has been doing. But it's only been 2 weeks. I won't be stupid enough, this time, to jump in and think that everything is okay based on 2 weeks of work. It's going to take a loong time to see if he can be consistent about working on all of his issues. Not just the SA, but his character issues as well.

So, I remain in this controlled separation. It was kind of strange at first, but I think we are both getting used to it. He looks really alone and sad right now, but I think he needs to be alone and sad for awhile. He's got a lot to figure out.

As for me, I'm just concentrating on doing things for me, and taking care of my children.

That's the best I can do for now.

RLT,

I am so happy for you. I know there is a long road ahead, but this must give you some hope.

RLT,

You are a strong woman. I'm so glad he passed the polygraph. I have no doubts about your recovery.

RLT...good news on the polygraph. When you say he passed the exam that means he did not lie to the examiner...a good step indeed....but did the exam bring out any additional information?
Example...I could take an exam today and choose to tell the truth...hence passing the exam. But I could reveal things to the examiner that I never chose to reveal to my partner prior to the exam.
I think you will do well to take your time before moving even baby steps forward with this man. Hopefully, if you decide that you are willing to take him back despite years of assaults, this could be...could be a jump off point for recovery. Remember, just because he passed the exam, he is NOT due your trust at this point. It just means that FINALLY all of the historical data has been given you.
Best of luck.

smb and bio, thanks for the encouragement.

medc, hey medc--I am pretty much set on doing exactly what you're saying here, which is o move forward in baby steps and see what he does.

RLT:

just wanted to let you know how much your thread helped me in dealing w/ my own M and H's SA. I am over at Recovery Nation right now and I really, really, encourage you to do the partner's workshop there. Jennifer here at MB suggested it and I am so glad I found it. I know that its up to my H to fix his problems, but in the meantime, I can work on ending my own dependency and deal with the fallout in a healthy way. I'm preparing myself for the reality that our M might be over. Not in an emotional 'kick him to curb' response, but with a rational, thoughtout plan to end the M if necessary, protecting myself and my children in the process. Strange, but giving some time before just calling it quits may be the healthiest way for me to leave, if I do end up leaving. But during this process, I also leave open the possibility that some day we may find ourselves back here on MB working on rebuilding our M, once we both become healthy again. Please do consider doing the workshop. It may be the best gift you could give yourself right now.

--just

justified,

I am over at recoverynation. I've posted a few times on the community boards.

As far as the lessons, well I just don't have the stomach or the energy for it right now.

Reeling with affairs, left and right, in my head. Over a 30 year period. Now the thought of a porn addiction? It's too much right now.

I'm watching him to the work. He's with his SA counselor as we speak, his third appt. in a row. He tried going to an SA accountabiity meeting. Sadly, no one showed up.

I'm sorry for you, just. This whole SA thing is just so strange and foreign to me. I can't even fathom the why of it.

OK rlt. here it comes.

yeah - it's hard. I live it.
You don't understand rlt.

You WON'T have the stomach or energy until you DO SOMETHING to for yourself!

As long as you sit around hoping and waiting and immersing yourself in HIS krap (what he did, how awful it is, over and over), you will feel like you're fighting quicksand. Really. I know. I did it for 3 years.

Really.

Really.
YOU have to do something to change how you feel. To have energy or a stomach. It's up to YOU.

You are leaving it up to HIM to make you feel better? Has he been reliable? Is this really smart? You are handing him your wellbeing on a plate. You know how messed up he is. He can barely handle his own healing, much less yours right now. It's just the way it is. I know it suks, but there it is. If he gets better, he can help later. MUCH later. The workshop is a positive move YOU make.

Com'on. Just do it rlt. Don't give him the power anymore. He can't handle it. YOu don't have to leave him. But don't wait either.

Do yourself the biggest favor. Do the workshop. Really.

TQ,

I don't think I'm sitting around waiting for him to make me feel better. I think I'm just to the point of not giving a rat's azz. I feel like I have too many other things to do in my life than to maul over stinkin recovery lessons because I just found out I'm married to a sex addict.

I'm not saying I won't do it, TQ. I'll have to deal with this sooner or later, in one way or another.

Like, our MC says I should be going to meetings for partners of SA. Sheesh. I did that last year and didn't know he was an SA and thought I was in the wrong place. So I sat there and listened to a bunch of ladies whine and cry over their doofus husbands "acting out" and screwing around and just plain making everyone around them nutzo. It was pathetic. Necessary? Probably. Will I eventually have to do it? Probably.

But right now I really AM just focusing on myself.

I've been wading around in his muck for 30 years now.

I need a break.

Well, I totally agree, I found "those meetings" pretty worthless as well. It totally depends on the group. I did participate in a small group of partners of SAs this year run by a professional. That was really helpful and not a whine-fest, like some of the self-moderated ercovery groups can be.

As long as you're not paralyzed and depressed, eating chocolate by the pound and drinking too much, disregard my post. I got the impression that you were darn near immobilized, so I was trying to give you a supportive and caring "kick."

BTW, I know the workshop seems like it's something you're doing because of him, but in reality, I feel like they are really healthy exercises for any BS to undertake in context. So don't cheat yourself out of doing them because you feel like it's more work that you HAVE to o because of his issues. It's all good stuff, and just personally eye opening.

best of luck -TQ

Thanks, TQ.

I will do the lessons, in time. Maybe in a week or so I'll start.

I'm not paralyzed. I'm extremely hurt and very disappointed and yes, feeling a little sorry for myself. Every time I think we're getting it right, it turns out to be not so.

But I can't change his behavior. Only he can.

Your sig line shows you have been through a lot, TQ. With a few tweaks here and there, I could have written it myself.

I'm glad to hear. I hope this is the start of recovery of your marriage.

Is the counselor digging into his childhood or just working to stop cumpulsiveness at this point?

There are usually root causes for addictions and they're not limited to sex or drugs. Many men rely on work to feel good about themselves.

Windstopped.

I don't know much about what he and the couselor are talking about. I'm trying to do the ol' "let him do his work and I'll do mine." So I don't dig.

I have no doubt, however, that his issues do stem from a very sick mother. He did read a book about six months ago, recommended by our MC, called When He's Married To Mom. Evidently, it was enlightening for him.

Makes me dislike her even more.

RLT:

Yes, I've seen you over there. And taking a week to gather your strength is not a bad idea. But an important note, you do the workshop FOR YOU, not for him. It is to strengthen you, to give you back your independence, to help you reconnect with your values, all those wonderful values you have walked away from b/c of you Hs problems. This is not at all like 'those groups'. You do it for you. So you can be free. Free to make your own choices. You may stay. You may go. But you will have confronted your past, laid a foundation for your future, and done it with eyes wide open, perhaps for the first time ever.

You do it for you.
You do it for YOU.

--just

RLT, just to let you know I am praying for you and your family today. And FWIW, I agree that you do NOT necessarily need to immerse yourself in SA info right now. Sometimes you just have to back away from the junk and breathe clean air!