I would like to receive some insights for my case.
My husband had porn addiction. During his first marriage he had an online affair for years with a woman from another country. All what they did was sex dirty emails, chat and phone calls, never in person. The affair ended because she had an accident.
After he got divorced I met him and we got married. I didn't know anything about it. I discovered some of it months after being married. I confronted him and he explained he had that online lover because his ex-wife was a cold woman that never met his sexual needs. It would never happen to our marriage. He promised that he would never do it to me, because I was so affectionate and passionate and able to meet his sexual needs.

After a year, he started to be distant and less focused on our marriage, then I discovered he was signing in dating websites and having an online affair with a different woman from our own City, he called her 'best friend and lover'. At first he denied it, and made me looks like a jealous and paranoid woman. I had to buy a spy software to proof it, then he admitted it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
He said it was a sickness, he wasn't attached to her, neither in love. I asked him to send an email to her telling the truth about him being married and about using her for his addiction. He sent a copy to our email address, to proof she didn't mean anything to him.
I was shocked and so disappointed because we seemed to be so happy together. I thought we had a great intimacy and that I was meeting his sexual needs. We always talk about how compatible we are, we called each other best friends.
He is in the process of recovery of the addiction and changing all the independent behaviour, and dishonesty.
He stopped all online activities and he asures me, he didn't even saw a picture of the woman. He said he used her to feed his addiction. He said could be anywoman that answer his ad and allows herself to the fantasy sex talk.
I'm confused because he didn't have the withdraw or depression after he left her, neither he missed her.
That is why is hard to apply what the Doctor said that always that is an affair is because there is a need unmet. My husband said he had this problem long before he met me.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />We are trying to recover our marriage reading the Dr Harley's books. It has been so helpful to us, but some things are confusing to me.
About trying to learn from the lover what she was doing to meet his needs I think that is not way I will do all the dirty pornographic talks, as her lover did to feed that need. What if those are inappropriate needs, perverted and immoral needs?
What if his need was to feel lust and not love? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
I know my giver will have a fight with my taker. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
How can I understand my husband having an affair as an addiction to lust?
I can see now after studying about [color:"blue"] [/color] the enviroment that put us in a vulnerable situation to have an affair. He works so much, he can't reach the 15 hours by week, we supose to have to meet our needs. I'm afraid we are living in the same enviroment again. I'm honest with him and I share my concern about it. But he seems to see no other choice than working the whole day. Sometime I think our marriage is not the most important thing for him. How can I get him to read and learn about it? Whe he finally gets home he is to tired that just want to be relaxed and having fun or making love?
During weekends we had his son with us and we need to meet his needs too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Wow, what a difficult situation! The whole porn thing adds such a terrible twist to any marital difficulties. There are many books such as "Every Man's Battle" which give so much good advice on helping your husband through becoming clean, and understanding why he is the way he is. There is also a helpful course you can go through to support him in this at

www.settingcaptviesfree.com

However, he has to be willing to get help. You can understand him all day long, and that is not enough to fix this. He needs to wake up and realize the ugliness of what pornography does to you and to him and to all those involved, right down to the "models". You can't do this for him. I am praying for you and for him.

I know exactly where you are coming from. My H had online affairs and chatted dirty porn smut with approx 100 different women over a 2 year period. When I discovered it I was able to view the conversations which were completely fantasy on his part as it was all lies about himself he was telling her and it was all just nasty, sex talk and porn talk. I was schockd to hear his conversation and him telling her the comments he said. When confronted he immediately broke down and started to cry, apologize, yada, yada, yada. He too told me he does not love this women (which I do believe as he has trouble bonding with anyone in a real sense, so what better way of doing it then in a way where he does not see the women, nor do they see him or know his real name?) and how she was just someone that was giving him attention, etc. Prior to this I had caught him viewing porn over the years and he reacted in the same way. He says he does not know why he does it. He too said it was an issue he had before meeting me. This time he flat out said "Maybe I have an addiction to pornography." He then began going to an addiction group which seemed to help, however, it is not a cure. I think that pornography is the alcohol for some people. It is not always about the OW, but how it makes them feel, kind of like what alcohol does to the addict. It is a very destructive thing and can destroy lives and marriages. Your H should never expect you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Unfortunately one of the destructive things about viewing porn is that the person viewing porn begins to think that the acts/photos they are viewing are real and they may expect those same expectations in their spouse when in reality, those are not realistic expectations.
I made the mistake for the first 8 yrs. of trying to help out by disconnecting the internet, getting rid of some of the cable, etc. What I ended up doing was losing respect for him as I tried to prevent him from access to the stuff. That does not work. He has to want to make those changes on his own. It has been almost a year since I discovered my H problem, and we are still dealing with it. Your H working long hours may be a problem in you two spending time together, but is no excuse for his behavior.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Thanks to all of you that responded and for your advice. Specially Thanks for praying for us. The Lord is answering it, we are working hard to overcome it. I really appreciate receiving help from people able to understand what it feels.
I thought before that just another woman having the same experience can really understand my deep feelings. So it is so helpful when a man can wear our shoes as betrayed and help from his point of view.
I'm grateful also for Dr. Harley and his wife. Reading his books, listening to the radio talks and reading the articles in the website and the forum, have been helping us and supporting us. Too many questions are stored in our deep being, and little by little are being answered and that gives us peace and hope for our future.

May the Lord bless you all,