Are you referring to this particular story? I already mentioned that BH has been arrested for assault in the past. He has also assaulted at least one additional person that I know of, who did not report him. So in this case, this is not something pulled out of thin air by a wayward.This guy has many good qualities, but has a violent temper.

BTW, I've actually been acquainted (although not close friends) with many people from abusive marriages who cheat, so I don't agree that people who are afraid of their spouse don't cheat. Sure that's stupid, but waywards aren't exactly famous for making wise choices.
In fact, wasn't it on this very site that I read the statistic, that the #1 defense excuse listed in the case of spousal murder, was for an affair? Or was that non another site?

Anyhow, I've no doubt that this case holds risk for violence. I wanted Harleys' advice for disclosure(thanks for that article!) but also I wanted their advice on how to handle the situation with OM and his family.

If anyone knows of a similar case in which advice is given for protecting OM, please let me know. I've been trying to do a search. He may deserve getting the crap beat out of him, but being he is caretaker for his children and disabled wife, his wife would sure like him to lead a long healthy life!

She needs to find a way to safegaurd herself and her children from her husband's violence. And she needs to tell him.

As far as OM...I guess if YOU are friends with him as well, then you might tell him that she's telling her husband.

After that, its his problem to defend/take care of himself. SHE should have no contact with OM whatsoever for life...and that includes warning him.

As far as fearing for OM...THAT IS NOT HER CONCERN. ITS NO LONGER HER BUSINESS. SHE GAVE UP THAT RIGHT WHEN SHE HAD THE AFFAIR WITH HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE

So how can she protect herself and her kids from her husband? Does she have a safe place to go for a while? Has she considered asking a women's shelter to take her in short term while he deals with this? Does she have family that can safegaurd her?

She should consider INSISTING that H get treated for rage/anger issues as part of a marriage recovery plan, if he's that dangerous.

But...the truth still needs to be brought out in a safe mannger.

setfree, I hope that you encourage your friend to do the right thing and tell her H the truth. Is there some reason you believe the OM can't protect himself?

Thank you. Yes, I am encouraging her to do the right thing.
Well no, I don't think OM can protect himself. He is indeed a little fella with no weapons. He also has a disabled wife, so she won't be much help!
BH is a big burly guy , plus he has weapons.
This is a mess, and of course they should have worried about this a a long time ago, and NOT gotten involved. I feel extremely bad because I was caught up in some traumatic family events of my own at the time, not to mention traveling alot, and did not see this coming. Friend and OM have neither had an affair before, and I would not have predicted this. But I am a perceptive person, and if I'd been closer by and fully engaged mentally, I would have seen the signs early on and (possibly) have been able to talk sense into her then. In fact, I could probably have scared the crap out of "the little fella" with a few stories, and made him think twice!
But that opportunity is gone now. I know I can't fix this, it's not mine to fix, but I do want to give her good counsel, now that she is open to it.

Does she have access to his weapons? Can she disable them or lock them away some place safe in advance?

Carefully choose who is around when he is told. Absolutely arrange for credible witnesses to testify to any threats he might make and someone who is able to physically intervene should he decide to become violent.

Arrange for her (and children) to have a safe place to go afterwards.

As for the OM and his family, give them time to consult with a legal team to see what and how fast they are able to put protection in place. Does he have any relatives or friends who can help?

Also, there should be NO CONTACT between the two lovers -- the contact should come from the witnesses (you should have more than one) and they should be prepared to testify or whatever they need to do in order to get protection in place.

Also, you should look into resources for the BS to deal with his anger and grief. Have close friends, church clergy (if he's religious) or possibly a counselor if he has one available.

Good luck with this.

Mys

Sounds like good advice, Mys! Thank you all for the much-needed counsel.

You haven't mentioned why this guy assualts people. Are you more worried about the initial anger period (he goes into a rage) or are you worried about long term?

If he has some sort of "rage reaction" then you may look into a '72 hour hold' rule in your area. Most places have the ability to commit someone for 72 hours without a judge's approval if that person is a danger to him/herself or others During that time he would get psychiatric medications and help.

If his reaction is the type that would most likely pass if he's given enough time/space (rather than the planning kind) then that might be something you can consider. Call your local police station and ask what type of affidavits and how many witnesses you need to assert that he is a danger to others.

Mys

My friend and I went on a picnic today and talked, and also I got a chance to show her all your responses. She is very appreciative and also very apprehensive. We shall see if she does the right thing.

It's been a stressful few days and I have a sad update. Long story short, my friend decided to tell her husband. He apparently pondered on it a few days then acted on his feelings. He has been arrested for attempted murder and OM is in the hospital in critical condition. Things are such a mess now; I'm wondering if I should swear off giving advice for a while, in such complicated situations.

Very sorry to hear this update.

Sadly, these are the potential consequences of an affair.

Your friend was RIGHT in telling her H. She'll likely have to deal with the guilt of the whole situation for a while...indirectly, she IS responsible to a degree for what's happened. Had she not had the affair...this wouldn't have happened.

At the same time...she's not responsible for her husband's choices, nor is she responsible for his obvious rage/anger issues. The choice to hurt someone was his alone.

I'd heartily suggest now that she seek counselling to help her deal with all of this.

Interesting...

IF this story is true...then you should know that you did the right thing. Sleep with another man's wife and the consequences could be a disaster. One thing is for sure...the OM will most likely never do that again.

What the BS decided to do with the information is his decision and something he will need to live with. Even though the outcome was "bad" that does not mean that doing what was "right" was "wrong."

Yes I know there are bad consequences to infidelity. But no one can take blame for the violence except the BS, just as no one is to blame for an affair except both WS. Everyone owns their own blame. But I am still sad for all four of these friends, as imperfect as they all are, and MOSTLY for their children. OMW is handicapped and this puts her in a very bad spot. I did not mean to sound as if any of it is my fault, but I have a feeling before it's over with they will blame me some as will their families and mutual friends. I guess I am just venting. Mkeverydaycnt, I am offended that you say IF the story is true; I do not have the time or energy for writing fiction. I could question your story or anyone else's on here, but why would I? If this is a place for sharing stories and asking advice and grieving when things go wrong, then that's what we all do. Life is not an algebra textbook with 100% formulas for how things turn out, that's one thing I've learned for certain. I'm sorry you felt the need to dig at me when I have just spent days in emotional agony watching two familes self-destruct. When I first posted this story, I was honest about how bad I felt that I was letting my own family situation blind me to the affair to begin with. I still feel I could have helped stop it then, but I didn't and I have to live with that as well.

Setfree - you are so right that the BH OWNS his response to all of this. The fact his wife cheated with the MM does not give him the right to inflict bodily harm on the OM. To me that is like saying it's okay to cheat because your spouse is neglecting you. No one here like's to hear THAT. So how come owning your actions goes out the window when a BH attacks a MM? Suddenly it's "okay" to act on impulse? Hypocrisy at it's finest...

setfree, you did the right thing in telling your friend to tell the truth. It is sad it came to this, but thus is the risk one takes in adultery. It is such a horrendous crime that such violent reactions are not unheard of. It certainly doesn't mean the BH isn't to blame though. Sad for everyone concerned. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

the IF is not for you setfree. It is for the eventual charges that he is guilty of. having worked as a cop, I know that they can throw the book at someone and at a later time things are greatly reduced. Attempted murder carries a very stiff penalty...I would suspect that unless he shot this man, his eventual sentence will be for another crime.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Setfree,

How sad all around. I wonder if she tried to do any of the pre-warning stuff that was suggested and it just didn't work or what.

I hope you can offer what support the families will accept. Does the BW have any family around to help her? Maybe see if you can find some community services that can pitch in?


Hey MEDC,


This caught my eye. What difference does the weapon of choice make? I've been trying to figure it out and I can't quite understand what difference it would make if he used a gun, piece of wood, crowbar, knife, car, hammer, fist, poison, etc. in trying to kill the man.

Is there some legal bias regarding guns as a method of trying to kill someone? (It's not as if people can't or haven't been killed in more imaginative ways.) And, no. I'm not planning on killing anyone. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Mys

yes there is. there also is a tendency to throw the book at someone...charging aggravated assault when simple assault would more fit the crime...this kind of stuff gives a prosecutor more to bargain with later on.

the bias for guns exist because of the effectiveness of the weapon it can be reasonably assumed that a person using it had full intention of actually killing the victim. for example...as a cop, I could use my baton in many different situations. same goes for my blackjack...BUT when I pulled the trigger on my gun, I had better know that there was probable cause to use deadly force...no shooting to injure someone...it was always to kill. Could I have killed someone with my other weapons...yes....but the gun was reserved to kill.