|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
IF MR has ML on ignore it's for a REASON. Why FORCE him to read her post when he has made a concious decision that he doesn't WANT to read them???????? Do you EVER have anything other than screeching, judgmental diatribes to contribute? EVER? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 6,316
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 6,316 |
Setfree...
I realize that you were upset by the suggestion that your story might not be true...But here's the deal as *I* see it...
-You've been here just over ONE month...
-You are posting a story about "a friend"
-You make predictions about what will happen if the TRUTH comes out...
-Voila! Your prediction comes to fruition
-The story seems to push a PRO AFFAIR, ANTI EXPOSURE, ANTI TRUTH agenda...
I'm sorry, it IS suspect, IMO...You seem like a very nice person in your posts...I'm not saying this to hurt your feelings or make you mad...I'm just telling you what it looks like in this arena...Up to you entirely if you want to defend it...Personally I would appreciate a link to the news story about this...That is what it would take for *ME* to believe this story...
Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I have to say that I do share MrsW's suspicions and wondered what brought you here out of the blue, setfree. You have posted no history, rationale for being here. Just posted a few one liners here and there to the threads of others. This board is a regular target for pro-affair trolls from gloryb, etc and has been for years. We had one lady who trolled here for years under numerous screen names, "questioning" every affair busting tactic and subtly promoting waywardness and defending waywards. So you can, hopefully, understand why folks might be leery of your sudden arrival given the subject of your very first thread. That being said, I think the situation, regardless of its veracity, produced a very valuable discussion and the premise that honesty is always the best solution has prevailed. So, even if we were played, it was productive. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 888
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 888 |
So, even if we were played, it was productive.
____________________________________________________________
That's what I figured too, ML.
But there's also a very good chance that it is true. I would be interested in setfree's view of my opinion that the WW has the most blood on her hands as she had two ways to protect everyone and chose to do none of it.
I would also be interested to know if the WW typically chooses high drama when other methods could bring about better results.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044 |
FCF...you are a real *******...it's like you sit there waiting to snipe at someone...usually Mel or me.... let me ask you princess....what bug do you have up your butt. get it out...get it over with and move on. your act is getting old. edited by Medc...I am auditioning for a mod position! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Last edited by mkeverydaycnt; 10/02/07 01:35 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,414
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,414 |
I can't believe that MyRev is actually suggesting that the WW should have kept mum and hope that news of her A didn't reach her BH by other means.
It is my belief that the vast number of A's are never exposed or discovered by the BS. More than likely, this one would have been no different. The truth won't likely come out unless one or both parties want to save the marriage, and I don't get the sense from this case that either party would attempt to reconcile.
And does he honestly think that the WW or the OM would have been in any less danger if the BH had found out about the A after D'ing his W?
That is EXACTLY what I believe. This BH's emotions were on overload immediately after discovering the A, just as mine and most of yours were. However, after the D had been finalized, he had gone thru withdrawal over WW (if there were any feelings to withdraw from), and he had moved on with his life AND THEN discovered about the A of his now XWW ... NO, I don't think he would have acted nearly as violently IF AT ALL.
Honesty, along with provision for safety for the involved parties, is the ONLY option that actually makes sense in this situation.
I'm sorry, but I'm a realist, and when I see blanket statements that include ONLY, ALWAYS, NEVER, etc., then I have a pretty good idea that the poster doesn't understand human nature or reality ... Affair situations are similar, but PEOPLE are very different.
Frankly, I'm appalled that someone who reads here would suggest "conditional honesty" as an option, when there have been many examples that it DOES NOT WORK and MAKES MATTERS WORSE.
Well, in this case, COMPLETE HONESTY left one man in the ICU and another in jail. It appears to me that in this case honesty DID NOT WORK, but I'll let the facts speak for themselves in this case. Folks, I'm sorry, but its foolish to believe that there is ONLY one option for every situation, regardless of the individuals involved or the circumstances of a specific situation. HONESTY is a great thing and completely necessary if the parties are attempting to reconcile. However, in some situations, such as this one, it can do more unnecessary harm than potential good. Not every marriage is salvageable ... nor is every person capable of even basic honesty ... its just reality ... and a lot of the time, reality sucks.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044 |
wow...very astute observation. so good of you to decide for others what they can handle.
get a life.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986 |
Honesty is a commandment and is more than a great thing. It's the way to a clear conscious. and completely necessary if the parties are attempting to reconcile. However, in some situations, such as this one, it can do more unnecessary harm than potential good. It wasn't the honesty that caused the "unnecessary harm" v. "potential good". It was the dishonesty of the affair. Not every marriage is salvageable ... True. The BH husband in this situation had the freedom (because of the honesty) to either forgive or divorce his WS. Those were his only two moral choices. He chose to cause further harm. ... nor is every person capable of even basic honesty ... EVERY person is capable of even basic honesty. Some choose to lie. its just reality ... and a lot of the time, reality sucks. Especially when the reality is the BS chose to do what he did.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,414
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,414 |
True. The BH husband in this situation had the freedom (because of the honesty) to either forgive or divorce his WS. Those were his only two moral choices. He chose to cause further harm. You seem to want to place most of the blame on the BH ... I just can't go there. We may just have an honest difference of opinion, but what this BH did may have not been LEGALLY right, but I can't label it as MORALLY wrong either.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986 |
You seem to want to place most of the blame on the BH ... I just can't go there. We may just have an honest difference of opinion, but what this BH did may have not been LEGALLY right, but I can't label it as MORALLY wrong either. No, you're assuming that's where I'm placing MOST of the blame. I (if I were a judge, which I'm not) would place ALL of the blame on ALL three of them. The WW, the OM and THE BS. They ALL made poor choices. That's okay if you can't label it morally wrong, but in my book ATTEMPTED MURDER is immoral just the same as ADULTERY is immoral.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 735
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 735 |
That's okay if you can't label it morally wrong, but in my book ATTEMPTED MURDER is immoral just the same as ADULTERY is immoral. Amen PM!!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Folks, I'm sorry, but its foolish to believe that there is ONLY one option for every situation, regardless of the individuals involved or the circumstances of a specific situation. What is foolish is the belief that it is "honesty" that created this situation. It is not. It was adultery and the violent actions of a raging betrayed spouse in response. So, as usual you start from the wrong premise, which makes all the rest of your argument moot. And silly. Secondly, you promote the mental illness of moral relativism, which always falls apart upon close examination. I have yet to meet a moral relativist who really believed in moral relativism when it came to his OWN LIFE. I seriously doubt you would want your banker or your WIFE to have loosy goosy morals when managing your account. Rather, I bet you expect your own banker to use moral ABSOLUTES when managing your money. MR, in the past you have openly admitted that you have problems with clear thinking [those "gray areas"] and I think this is a demonstration of your impediment. Folks should keep in mind that Dr. Harley, a licensed psychologist with 35 years experience, does not advocate deceit and fraud as does MyRevelation. MR has no credentials to support his case for dishonesty and cannot otherwise support it using reason.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 104
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 104 |
OK, I think I made a mistake starting this thread. My friend now feels I have violated her privacy. Right now I feel a little angry and a lot confused. For those who doubt this situation is real, I wish it were not real, but it is true. The sad thing is I saw it coming from watching BH in action before.
I have seen way too much infidelity and lies and too many bad marriages up close and have opportunity quite often to lend advice to those struggling , and in fact have given Dr Harley's books as gifts more than once. I began reading his work many years ago.
However for some reason it is very difficult to share my OWN heartaches concerning my own husband. I have been reading on this board for a long time and learning a lot of things to help my marriage, before I ever made my first post. Maybe I will get the nerve up to share my story. Suffice it to say I know firsthand the pain of being lied to and used. But I also know firsthand the healing power of God on a heart that has almost given up on life and lost all joy. I do have a desire to help others but right now I will probably bow out of this situation physically and pray for all involved.
Thanks to each of you who took time to offer your help and encouragement.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 3,474
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 3,474 |
Setfree,
In Catholicism, Satan is called "The Father of Lies." In the situation you share, revealing the truth was not the cause of the abuse.
In my situation, I called Dr. Harley's radio show to ask what to do when my husband had planned to attend a retirement party where this woman would be and, four months earlier, when I had threatened to call her, he had broken my arm. Dr. Harley told me to call the woman's husband, and I did so. That's how the affair came to light -- because the husband got the truth out of his wife and told me. My husband later told me he felt relief that the lie was out.
Cherishing
Last edited by Cherishing; 10/02/07 08:14 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,701
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,701 |
OK, here's my response to this very common excuse for not being honest about adultery:
If the BS REALLY is so violent, SO scary, that the WS is too afraid to tell the truth, then why wasn't the WS too afraid to fool around in the first place?
IMHO this common excuse is frankly incredible - as in I don't believe it.
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
465
guests, and
99
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,525
Members72,045
| |
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
|
|
|
|
