My H wants to go to a conference with a co-worker that the wives was supposed to go also. Now another employee's wife is not going so my H and his co-worker wants to together and I would have to stay home. I feel disappointed b/c the wives were supposed to go. Now they aren't. Is it wrong for me to not want him to go without me? Should he stay back? I'm not crazy about the other guys that are going - they are known for partying alot. Am I wrong to not want my H to be with them for a week without me?

H and I initially planned a different vacation together, but cancelled so that we could all go on this conference trip. Now I can't get the trip deal so we're sort of left out of planning another one.

The POJA states that one spouse should not do anything without the enthusiastic agreement from the other. If he goes I'll be resentful. If he doesn't, he will be resentful.

I have two trips scheduled that I am happy to take my husband on. These are also two things I could go on alone but I choose to bring him b/c I enjoy his company.

What do I do?

Do you trust your husband?]
Do you think he would cheat?
If you trust him, if you think he is man enough to refuse to follow the other party guys, you should let him go with your blessing.

If you don't trust him, you can delay his cheating by going on this trip regardless of whether the other men are bringing their wives. You can delay it and forestall it. Going with him, regardless of what he says, goes along with the principles of affair proofing your marriage. Protecting it.

Be very sweet and insistent that yo are going. And be interesting to be with, pleasant, a good companion, and a witch in bed! The other guys may flirt, they may even get "lucky", but your H will have the real thing: a woman who loves him.

You said something about not being able to get the "trip deal" - was that for the business trip? If so, pay the extra fare. It's cheaper than a divorce. If it meant for the vacation - the one you wanted to take together - plan that for some other time.

Don't go on a trip without him either. Independent behavior like that will erode your marriage.

Hi Bellevue - I'm formerly known as Krissee. I had to update my account.

Thank you for your response. I do trust my husband as far as him not cheating. I don't really trust him with other guys as far as drinking, staying up late,etc.

I would not, however, want a situation set up that would even remotely allow for cheating. No one is totally safe from being tempted.

It's funny you would say to go with him anyway. I found out that the other wife who is now not going said that her and I would just end up "babysitting" anyway. What does that say about the purpose of this convention?

I am a very pleasant wife to be with. I know my H finds me very attractive and I am attentive to all his EN's. If we go away together any time I love to be alone with in our room. And I do love him dearly.

The trip deal was for a private vacation for the two of us. I suppose I could search for another vacation deal.

I am so sad that H and I can't spend more time alone together. I'm also sad that he works at in an evironment where M is not considered a #1 priority. We struggle with this and it's hard to find anyone who understands what a committed M is.

Bellevue, thank you so much for reinforcing that my needs are valid. I will try to talk to him to see what he thinks about either me coming along anyway (the guys would shun that and think that he is "whipped" by his wife), or maybe he can back out. (But I don't want him to be resentful).

You have helped me so much.

Oh, and another thing, I could go alone on my two short trips but I agree, that's just asking for M problems. I want so badly to be with my adorable H. He means everything to me but I worry sometimes that his social network is not as supportive towards health marriages.

No wonder so many of his acquaintances are divorced or miserable.

If you really want to go with him, and not just to keep him from going with "the boys", tell him so.
Don't whine, don't nag, don't sound like you don't trust him.
Just tell him you want to go. Maybe the other guy can ride along, but it sounds like there are a other men going without spouses, so he can find another ride.

I'm sorry but did you say this is your husband or your son? You said that you trust him not to cheat on you or have an affair but you don't trust him not to stay up late and go drinking. This is a grown man we are talking about right? I am of the opinion that affairs begin long before the "act" of sex and no amount of your control will keep him from straying. Either he is a person who would do that or he isn't. If he is then why are you with him and if he isn't, then trust him to go away for a couple days and return with his virtues in tact. Yes, if he goes away with the guys he will probably stay up later and do some drinking. If he is a good man that will be it, he'll have his little bit of freedom/fun and that is all. If he is a good person he will appreciate your trust in him and not want to do anything to ruin the good thing he has at home. If things are not that great then all the control in the world will not keep him faithful and will probably make another woman seem seem like a more appealing option. Even that being said I truly believe that a person either will or they won't which is very personal, and no amount controlling behavior will prevent it. If it is in his nature to cheat then he will sek out and find a time, person, and way to do it regardless of how much you think you control his actions.

Ouch. Alex that hurt. I was simply trying to follow MB principles of "don't do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of the other spouse".

I'm sorry if I wasn't clear, but my dilemma was if he should go when I wasn't enthusiastic about it. I disagree with your opinion that a person will or won't if it is their "nature" to cheat. I believe (and according to Dr. H's books) that it is in everyone's capability to cheat. I also believe it's important to protect a M from possibilities of cheating.

Having said that, things are very good at home.

Well, I've sucked it up and thought about it. I want him to be happy so he's going. I will survive. He's a good man.

Sorry Kaytee. I think some of my personal issues came across in my post. I have been dealing with some of the same things with my wife and the issue has caused quite a few nasty arguments. I do stand by my opinion about cheaters and non cheaters though. I have never cheated on my wife and I never would. It has nothing to do with how much she keeps and eye on me or whether or not she "lets" me go out on occassion with the guys. I know right from wrong and what my limitations are and would never have an affair. Again, I am sorry if I came off harsh.