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Does a BS ever become a FBS? I have been asked if my H is now a FWS or a WS but how about the flip side. Are there any BS out there that now feel that they are FBS and list themselves as such?
DTR
me BS 43
WS 43
DD11
DD13
Married 1990
DDay Nov 06
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I think you might get 2 answers, here, but not likely.
My FWH is just that. He had for, a time a selfish, wayward mindset, while I was just goin' with the flow. I was betrayed, simply put. He has changed his mindset, but the BS is just that, a BS. It happened, it's a fact. You know, sort of like the Viet Nam war. It happened, its a fact of history and the history can't change.I am not currently being betrayed, but the fact that I was, doesn't change. It's in the annals of marital history.
My case is forgiven, my life, forever changed, destroyed trust being rebuilt, it's a process.
Marriages don't fail, people do.
(And I don't recall who said it)
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Does a BS ever become a FBS? I have been asked if my H is now a FWS or a WS but how about the flip side. Are there any BS out there that now feel that they are FBS and list themselves as such? A WS can quit actively wandering, earning the "F", however a BS is a spouse that has been betrayed, whether in the past or the present. IMHO, FBS would be like saying someone is almost pregnant. I am a BS, even though my FWH is no longer betraying me. Okay, I'll shut up now before I really confuse myself.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Hi DTR As you have been told, there are a couple of opinions here. Someone declaring themselves FBS will be along shortly I am sure to explain their reasoning. Becoming a BS conveyed some consequences and attributes that will always be with me. Therefore I think I shall always be a BS, despite not being betrayed right now. That badge explains my "symptoms". Doesn't mean you cant have a great recovery if you don't have an "f"on your forehead though <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
MB Alumni
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I echo what all are saying here. I am a betrayed spouse. It happened and cannot change. That doesn't mean you won't ever be happy, contented and at peace. It can happen if you want it.
Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
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That is for the most part the answer that I thought I would get. Life is soooo not fair!!!! Morally is that right either? You can just call "do over" and you get to put F before your name?
22D you brought up a change of mindset and boy does that describe my H. He has done an 180 on many things that he was so demanding and certain of. One of my biggest fears is when or if that 180 will happen again. Is your story here somewhere?
DTR
me BS 43
WS 43
DD11
DD13
Married 1990
DDay Nov 06
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hmmm...
I am a FBS.
I have a recovered marriage and have recovered personally from the trauma. I am 8 years past D-Day....6 years recovered marriage...
It takes time but with healing...FBS is a good word. I don't refer to my husband as FWH. He is MY HUSBAND. I'm his wife.
Will I ever forget? No...but it's really past history and not part of who I am today.
~ Pain is a given, misery is optional ~
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Does a BS ever become a FBS? Until they invent a time machine that allows a wandering spouse to go back and avoid an act of betrayal, no. It's like losing your virginity - no matter what you do, you'll never be a virgin again.
ManInMotion
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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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Bramblerose, were you betrayed by your spouse? Then I think by definition you're a betrayed spouse <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. IMO recovery doesn't erase the act of betrayal - it just means you've recovered from it. I think I'm a much better person now than I was before D-Day, but I will always be a betrayed spouse.
ManInMotion
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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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Actually...
there comes a point in healing...
where that part of identity is not necessary.
I am who I choose to be..and I do not choose to walk around with a Victim Badge on my chest.
Let me point out that I am MUCH farther along in the process than any one else responding on this thread.
There was a time that I would have agreed that BS was part of who I was forever and ever.
But my perspective....8 years after dday, 6 years of recovering with a husband who took full responsiblity for his part....I do not need or want that label.
~ Pain is a given, misery is optional ~
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Gotta agree with Bramblerose on this one. We're three years into recovery. The affair no longer comes to mind on a regular basis. I don't think about it every day, or even every week.
Our marriage is awesome at this point. I'm no longer hurting from her choices...I've healed. Our marriage has healed. She's healed.
I don't 'feel' like a BS any more...I USED to be one. Now I'm just a spouse again.
I've not forgotten what happened, nor do we pretend like it never happened. It just doesn't dominate our thoughts or behaviors anymore. The changes we made have stuck, and things are great.
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BrambleRose
I appreciate the long term perspective and it does give hope. If someone had said to me 8 plus years at the get go I would have done myself in. I somewhat wanted to die at the thought of it taking 2-5 years to recover. Now that we are arriving at the one year point I feel that it is forever and you don't get to put the F in BS. Hope I feel differently in years to come.
My H is taking responsibility for his actions and making changes and I am tring to focus on that and count my blessings. Some days it is really hard.
DTR
me BS 43
WS 43
DD11
DD13
Married 1990
DDay Nov 06
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not part of who I am today.
Its now a part of my very DNA. There is no part of my life that remains untouched by it.
You are blessed Bramblerose.
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I think that depends on each individual. I don't think I will ever feel that I can call myself a FBS anymore than I would consider myself a former rape victim, or a former victim of robbery.
Let's say that my FWH had been physically abusive (he's not) and that he had broken my leg at some point. Well, now I walk with a limp and although he has stopped the physical abuse and would be considered "formerly" abusive, I will always be an abuse victim.
I think that once you have been violated, the damage is done and can not be undone. The hurt and damage may heal, but the scars will remain.
With the waywards or even criminals, they can not uncommit the offense, but they can stop committing offenses in the future.
That's how I see it.
Who
I am the BW,
He is the FWH
D-Day: 12/02/03
Recovered
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I hope in time this changes for me but I'll with you in it being a part of me and something I can't ever shake. It affects the very core of my being and I'm a changed person.
DTR
me BS 43
WS 43
DD11
DD13
Married 1990
DDay Nov 06
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I think that once you have been violated, the damage is done and can not be undone. The hurt and damage may heal, but the scars will remain. exactly
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I don't want to wear the "victim" tag either. My marriage
is probably better than it had been years before the EA.
, Quote:
I think that once you have been violated, the damage is done and can not be undone. The hurt and damage may heal, but the scars will remain.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I totally agree with this. And I think I should be changing my name since I've done my 2 yrs.of recovery.
Marriages don't fail, people do.
(And I don't recall who said it)
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I suppose when my divorce became final I became a FBS as I was no longer anyone's spouse. It's a depressing way to earn the "F" tag. However even if I had been fortunate enough to recover my marriage there have been inevitable permanent changes in my trust and security that would have left me a betrayed spouse for life. The loss of painfully naïve innocence and unwavering trust is permanent.
And I do not mean that to imply waa-waa poor me "victim status". I am a very different person now, and in almost every way better, for having been a betrayed spouse. I have learned so much more about myself, honesty, openness, communication, boundries and relationships for having been here.
But a rape victim does not become a "former rape victim" someday. A wounded soldier does not become a "former wounded soldier" someday.
Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
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Chrisner, that was so human and beautiful. I am no victim, but I was the 'victim' of a brutal attack, one which will never be forgotten and that has changed my perspective and awareness.
Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
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That has not been my experience.
For me to walk around with a BS Badge on my chest now, is to also label my husband as a WH. Or a FWH..or whatever.
Who he was back then is not who he is today.
I am not who I was back then either.
Did I learn from it, yes. Did I grow from it, without a doubt. Does it still have it's marks on me..sure.
But that is not who I choose to be.
I get to choose how I identify myself and I reject the permanent BS status outright.
Downtheroad - at 1 year, you are still smack dab in the middle of active recovery. It takes at least 2 years with a completely cooperative spouse.
I think it was probably 4 years before I felt really healed.
~ Pain is a given, misery is optional ~
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