My wife and I filed for divorce in May. I am 40, she is 34. We had been living apart for about a year and still seeing each other. Our divorce is supposed to be final in December.We have two kids--11 & 12.

We called it irreconcilable differences. I was burned out, she was burned out, we weren't putting in the work. After we filed, we were still very close, talking every day, still the best of friends as we had always been. There was no one in either of our lives for about 1.25 months. Around that time, she threw her back out and I was working 12 hours a day and wasn't there for her as well as I should have been (I still took care of the kids during her surgery, and so forth). Either way,she was furious with me for what she thought was lack of love and caring. She was mad about some other things too (none of which involved infidelity or anything like that). About a week went by without talking.

Then the hammer fell. She met someone. He is also still married and separated. His divorce is going to be final soon apparently. Their relationship blasted off at a blistering pace and they completely flipped out over each other. They threw EVERYTHING to the wind--including our kids, AND his kids-- who they dragged into the middle and cast into a state of chaos, that finally culminated 1.5 months later when our daughter caved in one night and demanded she come live with me(my son was already living with me, because my wife essentially told him she couldn't handle him anymore about 8 months ago).

For those weeks leading up to that time my daughter broke (about a week and half ago now) I died and was reborn. I have never been through so much pain in my life. Her and this guy have completely fallen in deep love over each other and have already talked marriage. My wife even asked my daughter to be in her wedding (prior to my daughter moving out).

I pleaded with my wife to stop early on. She would have none of it. She POUNDED me with hysterically angry words every time I told her I loved her and did not want to divorce her.

Fact of the matter is, I never DREAMED my wife could do this. We had been married 14 years. In the end, I did not realize what I had in my wife until she had completely fallen in love with someone else.

She is shut down to the idea of being with me again.. but she is SHATTERED over the fact that our daughter moved out.. and has recently told me she is "ashamed" of herself for how she has acted. She also actually tried to break up with this guy last night apparently.. and told me today he is "heartbroken." But this didn't last long, because even after her coming over to our house last night and crying and apologizing to the kids for pounding her new life into them at that blistering pace, she has since canceled the weekend she is supposed to spend with them at the end of the month saying "I have plans to be out of town that week and need a break."

Last night and today were the first times in 2 months she has actually received my humility, admissions of where I went wrong in the marriage, etc. I felt she had finally been humbled and was taking a break, perhaps considering her family was more important than this guy.

But apparently I was wrong because they seem to be right back together today.

My wife is still shut down to the idea of "giving us a try again." I have prayed mightily and handled myself with grace, kindness, and class these past two weeks, even thought my heart is in a million pieces and and can not fathom moving forward without her. I wish I could turn back time.. but I can't. She seems to be completely IN LOVE and totally drunk with infatuation and adoration for this man.

Is it too late? Should I give up hope and move on? Is there ANY WAY she will see the light? I pray for her and myself and our kids daily. I pray God will soften her heart. But she seems so hardened and focused on being with this guy. It's just relentless and still will not slow down, even though BOTH kids are out of her life full time now

What gives? All advice appreciated on next steps

Simply put, your wife and the OM are in the deep end of an addictive brain chemical called PEA. The bad thing about PEA is that it screws up the judgement center of the brain. The good thing is that it doesn't last.

Read everything you can find here. There is hope.

Larry

Thanks for that. I scanned the site. I don't see articles or columns or anything about what to do in this situation. I really need some advice on what steps should be taken right now. Should I ask her to talk to someone with me? Should I tell her what she is doing is wrong and unhealthy, even though I risk making her angry and pushing her away? I really need help

Thnak you

Can you stop the divorce proceedings???

Yes I can stop the divorce proceedings. Should I?

Yes, there is hope! In an emergency case like this, I would advise you to call Dr Harley today!

Onward, her affair is not going to last. 95% of affairs fall apart in under 2 years because they are based on fraud and deceit. That is why we recommend not cooperating in a divorce. Divorce is permanent, affairs are very temporary.

What we recommend is Plan A and Plan B for affairs. It is very likely that your W left your marriage to have this affair. This is the common eventuality. She likely hid it and then only came out in the open once she was moved out. Many waywards feel entitled to have affairs once seperated.

I am going to find you some critical links to read, but in the meantime, please go to the bookstore here and order the book Surviving an Affair. This will help you understand the dynamics of adultery, which will help make more sense of what we tell you.

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Need to reiterate a few things:

1. I filed for divorce. She had said she wasn't cut out to be a wife, things weren't going anywhere.

2. When this thing with this guy started, I came apart and did NOT want to divorce. I have never been through so much pain in my life and realized I did not want to be without her and my family.

3. Her thing with this guy seems WAY more than an affair. She says she has never been happier in her life. That he loves her for who she is, that I filed divorce and it is now too late to change my mind.

4. She is with this guy day and night and they are going to church together, counseling kids at church together (!!) and planning trips all over the place.

5. They are talking about marriage. She has told her friends and all she can't WAIT until the divorce is final.

I have tried everything for over two months.. offered to go to counseling, made MAJOR MAJOR changes in my life, taking care of both kids full time, etc etc etc.

She is not having it. Again told me today she can't be forced to come back, and if we are meant to be together, than we will be, and "You don't get to change your mind and then I come running back."

This TRULY seems hopeless

Again, she has known this guy for less than two months, they are head over heels in love, he is waiting on her hand and foot and helping her with her bills, she says it was "love at first sight" and she has "never felt so loved in my life."

H E L P


Seems hopeless and does not seem like an "affair"

Go to the church where the two adulterors "counsel" kids, and let the pastor know what is going on. They have no business being any kind of leader in church.

Then try to slow down the divorce. This affair is going nowhere. She is just in the throes of addiction. It will pass.

This is what WS in the throes of an affair will say. This is what they believe. That doesn't make it true. WS will say they didn't have/aren't having an affair. That, in fact, they are simply finding their soulmate, etc. Again, just because your WS "feels" like that, doesn't mean it's true.

This is how you know that the A doesn't have anything to do with you or what you do. It has to do with the WS and the AP. Their A will have to end before you have a chance with your WW.

To who? You? Because your WW says she "feels" a certain way? You make think, based on common misconceptions, that an "affair" is simply a tawdry, sexual relationship and there are no feelings involved (this can be true for men). But while in the grip of an A, a WS rarely, if ever, sees it like that. Don't let her insanity affect you by believing her rationalization or justification that it isn't an "affair." She will try and convince everyone else that you're crazy. So don't be.

Have you done a complete background check on this gigolo?

L.

Don't be fooled. This affair pre-dates your separation as well. She's just lying about that bit.

I am befuddled, but hanging onto my faith for dear life.

Here are some other facts about this that should be known:

On the rare occasion I have been able to get her to discuss reconciliation, she says "Too many people are involved now, and it is too late." In other words, her relationship with him has not been a secret AT ALL; It is WIDE OUT IN THE OPEN and she has introduced this guy to her family, friends, and the whole nine yards. She has told her mother this is the happiest she's ever been in her life, and of course her mother (who has had three kids from three different men out of wedlock) says "Then baby we want you to be happy too and you should not change your course."

I feel like I am up against a MASSIVE *BRICK WALL* with pretty much zero options.

The ONLY THING that I think she MUST be considering is that both of our kids are living with me, do NOT want to live with her, and at this point right now, do not even want to spend the night at her house. This means if she continues down this path, she WILL be an every-other-weekend Mom, and I just can't FATHOM how she would be OK with that.

Unfortunately, if she were to walk away from this guy she would have to break his "heart" (she tried once after my daughter left her and he came undone and cried her back into his arms), break his daughters hearts (whom she has grown attached to and vice versa), face her family with humility and embarrassment, and face this guy and his daughters from time to time because they go to the same SCHOOL as our kids!!

What can I do? It ALMOST feels IMPOSSIBLE at this point.

ANY IDEAS?

Tha affair will end, and then you will have your wife back. Right now she is like a drug addict, trying to hold onto her heroin.

She is saying the same things that they all do. We have heard it over and over again.

OWF:

You are in a really difficult situation. What she, and her supporters, need to realize, is that if she continues down the path she is on, the same thing will happen with this relationship. Either you learn how to grow together once the feeling of love disappears, or you don't. If you don't, you will just keep seeking that feeling with someone new.

If you want to save your marriage, there are things you must do. Some of these may seem humiliating, given your situation, but if you read other's stories, you will learn that some have made it back from even more dire straits.

First, pray and put yourself in the hands of the Lord. Be willing to work without knowing the result.

Second, let everyone know, including your WS, the judge, the OM, family, kids, that YOU have hope, and will do anything you can to save this marriage.

Third, work on yourself. Do you resemble the man your wife fell in love with? What changed? Time to get to work being that man again.

Fourth, learn everything you can. Battling the WS mentality, and those that support easy divorce (even among churches!!!), will not be easy. Be as cunning as the steward who cancelled have his master's debt. Read up on this website, and be prepared to act on the advice you will get.

The result will not be guaranteed, but you will be the kind of person you will admire for trying (and your kids too).

Also carefully document where the children stay, all the things that you do with them, and how much time they spend with mom. You will want to get your ducks in a row for sole custody.

Thank you..


Doing that every day. Agreed 100%


Not sure how to do that with OM, but everyone else agreed. Continue to tell her I have hope, even when she tells me there is no hope and she is moving on.



Have been making major changes since this started two months ago. Have talked to her mother and apologized for not coming around more during marriage, have got the kids in church and bible study, am taking care of the kids full time, going to school functions, taking the kids to fun things, taking my daughter to get nails done, spending quality time with them all the time (staying off computer, etc etc) whenever they are home, speaking to her with respect and love and recognizing all her contributions to marriage over the years, etc etc etc etc. I am definitely leading by example.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

But through all this, her response about all the sacrifices I'm making is "Well, I did it for the first 6 years, you can do it the next 6 years."

She is just not hearing any of it. So I guess the ONLY thing I can do is just keep leading by example, being patient, being optimistic and hopeful even when she isn't, and just holding out faith that God will lead her back home.

Please pray for me and my family.

Thank you

I appreciate your optimism. Gives me hope. Again, she doesn't see it as an affair at all. She says she is 100% done, moving on, can't wait for the divorce to be final, is in love, is going to remarry, and never wants me back. WOW. All THIS in the face of alienating both kids.