My life and divorce is a mess...

Three years ago I caught my spouse in an affair. At that time I found out there had been many others. We tried to make the marriage work after that. I filed for divorce this summer. My spouse is stalling, and playing the victim. It really makes me sick. His sister is leaving me nasty phone messages. My husband didn't show up to the first court date, our next one is in 1 week. He hasn't responded to my divorce settlement, he hasn't tried to move anything out, or tried to find a place to live. He is living with his parents. I know he thinks that I cannot make it on my own, but I can.

I didn't make this decison at the last minute. I knew I would lose an entire family. I knew the stakes.

I have two boys who are in high school. They know nothing about the affairs. I am somehow the bad guy in all of this. How do I explain myside without trashing their father? They think their father is the greatest. He of coarse is more of their friend then a father. They "rate women". Example. One of my boys went up to my spouse and said "Hey Dad, see that girl, would you do her? Does she do it for you?" I just cannot compete with this.

I am so scared of losing them. I make a great effort not to talk bad about their father, I encourage them to spend time with him. My husband on the other hand says what he wants. When I call my spouse on it, he says "it's the truth isn't it." It is truth depending on what side of the fence you are on.

We cannot talk without going into a hugh fight. I am so tired of dealing with all of this. Does it get better???

Do his sister and the rest of the family know about the affairs? Exposure is your friend. I understand not wanting to drag your sons into it but you should really tell the rest of his family.

Doesn't seem like it will get any better. Your H is sick. You need to sit your kids down and tell them the truth. Tell them that the reason why you are divorcing their Dad. If you withhold the truth from them, they'll turn into two ****** like their Dad who will treat women like doormats and piece of meat.

I'm going through a nasty D myself. No kids. STBX's mistress had two teen-age girls. Exposed the affair to them via email with copies of their mother's email to STBX describing me as the "vampire sucking the blood out of the man she loves". If you have proof of their Dad's affair, it will back up your discussion with the boys.

Now, STBX and his f***** attorney is dragging the divorce.

But YOU have to take the stand with your boys. Don't let fear get in the way of telling your boys the truth especially NOW as things are happening. Truthfully, you may never get another opportunity to tell them the truth.

Good luck.

Definitely expose. It is the right thing to do. Oh, and your boys? They should hear it from you. They have learned a bad attitude from their father, they may already know he has cheated on you. Now they need to learn what to expect if they cheat on THEIR wives. Don't teach them how easy cheating can be.

They don't realize that the rating game carried to an extreme can break up a family. They may pull away from you to support their father, but they will learn about the right thing.

I'd keep the conversation short and sweet without a lot of details. "Sons, I want to set the record straight why I've taken the extreme step of divorcing your father. Last year, I caught him having an affair. I also found out this wasn't his first."

How do you know your son said this? Please tell me he did not say it in front of you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I would do exactly as Greengables said. I would also let the boys know that kind of conversation with their father is disrespectful to you if done in front of you. Do not tolerate it..EVER!

Thank you for all the replies.

Yes, my son said this in from of me. One night they were watching a movie about a two headed girl with other teenagers in the house. My husband says "I wonder how many breast she has?" I shot my husband a dirty look. Then he says, "I wonder which one gets hard first."

His entire family knows about the affairs. They think we should stay together because at the time I chose to forgive him and work things out. He is a complete control freak. I just want out of the marriage.

I am just unsure if I should tell the boys are not. I don't want to make them hate me or their dad. My house is so much more peaceful without him here. Who knows, they may already know.

Any other advice?

Yes, absolutely tell them.

Now, tell them in a matter of fact way, don't go into details, and let them no that it is still ok for them to love their parent, but that this behavior is destructive.

Absolutely, absolutely tell your kids. Let them know why the marriage failed. Perhaps then they will know better when they think about having an affair. If you want to end up divorced, best thing you can do is have an affair.

Tell them that marriage is a sacred thing, not to be entered into lightly.

Best of luck,

Yes, absolutely tell them.

Now, tell them in a matter of fact way, don't go into details, and let them no that it is still ok for them to love their parent, but that this behavior is destructive.

Absolutely, absolutely tell your kids. Let them know why the marriage failed. Perhaps then they will know better when they think about having an affair. If you want to end up divorced, best thing you can do is have an affair.

Tell them that marriage is a sacred thing, not to be entered into lightly.

Best of luck,

I don't agree, if at all possible dont' tell the kids. At the very least I'd hire a counselor that's dealt with teenagers and ask for a professional opinion. I think there's something to be said for protecting children from the stupid messes us adults create, life is hard enough for teenagers.

Think of Lance Armstrong's wife, I watched the biography of when they were a happy family and together. Publicly she said that it was just a time of stress that they separated, but I think she's "not telling" for the sake of the kids.

Cheryl Crow was engaged to the guy and she called him a cheater, and dumped him. So I'm thinking he had an affair with his wife, and that's why she left him, it was more then just regular stress in their home.

Divorce is hard enough on children, they don't need to know all of the dirty details. They can make their own judgments and likely they already know more then you think. Don't force them to take sides, don't bad mouth your husband. Take the high road, the Ms. Lance Armstrong way and quietly get out of your marriage if that's what you want to do (quietly meaning not bad mouthing the ex, but you can of course express your grief without dirty details).

What I meant was he - Lance - had an affair on his wife... and she's "not telling" I worded that wrong...

I really do plan on taking the high road. I just want to know is, how do you take the high road and not be the bad guy? He is going around saying "I miss tucking her in at night." and all this other bull. My kids are believing all of this hook line and sinker.

I really just want out of the marriage with a friendship. He on the other hand refuses. I asked him the other day if there was any possible way we couuld have some kind of friendship. He said "Before or after the divorce" "I said "both". His reply "No not after. Why would I want to do that? Why would I want to put a gun to my head?"

I am so tired of it all.

you need to follow through on the divorce through the lawyer. You need to lawyer to be very tough. You then need to explain to the kids that you are divorcing their dad, that's right, you are, and the reason is that you and marriage values are being disrespected by your Husband, and give examples, with affairs, and derougatory comments as you had explained here.

then ask them to ask any of their girlfriends how they would handle your sons dating other women? put it right back at them! the truth is much better, and toughness against crap is always acceptable. . .

So what you are doing is standing up for yourself and not being treated like a cuckhold, and tell your sons that they can visit you any time, but any disrespectful comments about women and they are out of there. . . tough love in this case will work. .

my 15 year old daughter made comments about marrying rich guys and then divorcing htem for their money. I stopped the car, and told her that the next time i hear that, i turn around and take her home and she loses where ever she was going. . . I am not going to treated like that. . . nor am i going to show her that these beliefs are valued or have no consequences. . .

the kids just can't see it now, they will later. . . and don't back down. . you have put up with too much so far, so your waiting has put yourself into a difficult position with the boys. . . being nice has its limits, and you have let the being nice go on much too long. . .

good luck

wiftty

what a good book says, "Private Lies", by Frank Pittman, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in affair think and speak, is that you have muchmore power than you believe. The reason that you refuse to believe in that power is that you have never exercised it before, and you have been walked all over, without you yourself using your power.

The power is not yelling and screaming, its not staying in the relationship, and being very clear what behaviors you will tolerate, and what behaviors you won't . . .

simple as that. . . i have been here a long time, and most Betrayed Spouses that have finally left emotionally abusive relationships find themselves much happier, and go on to live a much more healthy life, and the WS tends to end up alone, or with crappy relationships. . .

you can do this. . you just can't be afraid of the unknown, because you know what it is, its respect, and you can't be afraid of that. . .

wiftty

Do you know of a counselor that specializes in children, I'd go get professional advice. I remember a guy who's father cheated and he was messed up in his dating years because it was such a public, messy divorce. Counselors can't give legal advice but they might have ways to present this to your kids. I just feel sorry for kids in the middle of messes but kids are tough.