If our WS leaves us for the OP, and that becomes their "main" relationship, does the BS become somewhat like the OP? I hope I'm making sense.

I was just thinking, if a WS is supposed to have NC w/ the OP 'cause they'll always be tempted by that person, does it stand to reason that the BS is also someone that they'll always be tempted by?

I've started wondering if the OW in my situation, now that I'm going to divorce him, is starting to be worried about me. Is she the one worrying if he's being truthful that it's really "over?" Does she worry that when he spends weekends w/ his kids, does that include me? Is she starting to wonder why he's w/ her, but still not wanting a divorce?

Maybe, in a way, our roles are now reversed. Maybe now I'm the threat to her "relationship." Maybe the BS always will have a certain hold on our WS, and that will cause problems w/ the OP.

I've just been starting to think about how they view me now. Now that I've taken myself out of the triangle, and they're "free" to be together, how that might change how they see me.

Does anyone else kind of feel like the OP now? Does the "real" OP see you as the threat?

sl,

I'm not sure if this is what you mean, but I know that although my FWH never left me nor did he ever intend to or tell OW that he was going to, she considered me the OW.

During the A, FWH refused to ever talk to OW over the weekends. On Mondays, OW would always grill him on everything we did over the weekend. Once he mentioned that we had a dinner party over the weekend and OW had a meltdown over it.

Their A was a long distance one, so they only saw each other about once a month when FWH traveled on business, but OW resented every moment he spent with me.

She not only wanted my H, she wanted my life as well.

So in answer to your question, I'd say that in many circumstances, the BS is and will remain a threat to both the A and any future relationship with the OP that develops following a divorce.

In cases where the BS really does a good plan A, but the WS is just too fogged out and determined that they proceed to divorce, eventually the fog clears and their memories of BS are pleasant and they regret their ever leaving.

This becomes a real issue for the WS if they have married the OP. But then, if the marriage is an A marriage, it isn't a real marriage anyway.

Good question!

Who

I agree with WhoMe.

My WH has said and done so many things that I firmly believe that the OW will always feel like they are in competition with the BS.

In my case, the fact that the OW wants to marry and have children with my WH shows that she wanted my life with him. Because he refuses to agree at this time to do either with her causes her some pretty significant pain and jealousy I'm sure. She thinks if she just waits out the Divorce, everything will change. It will be quite a shock when she finds out otherwise.

Also, my WH has been in a pretty bad mood since I have quit talking with him. He's been very sneaky about trying to communicate with me over ridiculous things ever since I told him I didn't want to see or talk to him and angry when I don't respond. I'm sure this causes him to complain to the OW about how "unreasonable" and "immature" I am. That probably takes a lot of the romance out of their conversations.

I find it very funny, though annoying, that my WH has made several comments now about me having a "boyfriend" because I don't talk with him, allow him to come over for visits with our DS, and I frequently leave when he comes to pick him up. I don't respond at all to these comments and just continue on with what I'm doing.

I think that when the relationship becomes strained with the OP, the WS starts to think about their prior relationship and compares the two. My WH told me he would "always have that 'feeling' when he saw me". I think that's the reason why Dr. Harley says that reconciliation is definitely possible when the relationship with the OP ends, because the WS is bonded with BS in a way that no else has been, nor can be. This is especially true when the relationship was a long term one where children are shared.

Yes, in the OP's eyes you are the OP. They see you as a threat to their happiness and that you are stealing time with WS that belongs to them. They also want the WS to have NC with you and anytime they find out the WS has called you, they will flip out, especially if they're around at the time. It's a sick and twisted world. If you REALLY want to know their selfish mindset, there is another board called TOW where they share their stories, their rationalizations, their justifications, and their "feelings." Be very careful, though, as it may make you want to retch.

I'm worried she's going to try to weasel her way into my life now. For instance, WH will be here this weekend to see the kids. I'll be gone. But OW will be having to trust his word that he's just here to see the kids.

Now I'm thinking it would be pretty typical for her to be upset that he's 7 hours away from her, and that all she has to go on is what he says. Deep down, she's got to wonder if he's telling the truth.

So isn't it logical that she's going to try to do what she can to keep her eye on him now? WH tries to pretend like she doesn't exist. I'm just so worried she's going to start "staking her claim," so to speak. My kids are 13 and 8. It hasn't even sunk into their heads that mom and dad are over yet.

I don't want to jump to conclusions, but it just seems that at some point the OW wants it to be known that she has your man and wants you to stay away. I've heard lots of stories where the OW has caused a lot of heartache and stress to the BS, and I guess I just want to be prepared if that happens.

What should I be on the lookout for? And I'll admit I get a little bit of satisfaction that I'll probably always be a thorn in their side.

bump

No

The spouse is never the OP.

The spouse is entitled to all the marriage could ever provide and everything given to the OP is theft from the spouse.

Addicts feel entitled to be enabled and supported and helped to remain addicts.

Thieves feel entitled to steal. Your skill at theft in no way renders the stolen goods "yours". It will always be ill gotten gain, you will never have legitimate claim to any benefit or product of theft.

Their warped perspectives have no bearing on reality and can do nothing but infect you so it's pointless to dialogue with demons [as the saying goes].


I would not ever consider myself in competition with an OP nor would I consider myself AVAILABLE to be used as an OP.

OPs tolerate cake eating and "sharing" though they loathe it as a matter of course.

I don't know about becoming the OP but the OW in the A with my FWH certainly was and still is determined to be a thorn in our side.