It was suggested I post my dilema here. I had it posted in just found out. It was suggested I may get more help here due to higher traffic. Need all the help I can get. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I found out about my husband's affair 6 weeks ago today. We agreed to him moving out. Th OW is in another state. He says he doesn't think he wants a divorce, but after 6 weeks he still doesn't really 'know what he wants'. The OW is still trying to call him. When he moved out he agreed that we would try to work on our marriage. So far, I feel like I am the only one 'trying.' We talk on the phone, but any time I suggest spending some time together, he has an excuse not to. We have at least moved past 'I don't think it is a good idea yet' though. We see each other to exchange the kids, and he is very warm to me. We have been married for 14 1/2 years. I never dreamed I would want to work through something like this, but I love him and can't imagine living without him. I truly believe that we could work through this. He says he just doesn't think he is 'in love' with me anymore. He says I am the perfect wife and mother. He says he doesn't know why he is unhappy. His job takes him out of town for weeks at a time sometimes. This is how the affair started. It was someone he was having to contact for business purposes. I feel like I am going crazy sometimes. What do I do

Get him to move back in for a start.
Get him a new job where he doesn't travel
Expose his affair to friends and family etc
Read up all you can about infidelity on this site.

He also needs to send the ho a no contact letter.

Thanks for your replies. I have tried to get him to move back in. He says he doesn't think it is a good idea yet. He also says it will give the kids a 'false sense of hope.' Personally I think it GIVES them hope. The kids (ages 11 and 8) do not know about the affair. They think we are just having problems. I don't want to devastate them even further. My oldest is already very angry with him. He has always been a good father to them. He says he is happy right now. He lives with a friend and they sit around drinking beer all night. I asked him if he thinks he could be happy if he comes home and he says'Idon't know.' I asked him how he would ever know if he doesn't try and again I get that it will just confuse the kids more and upset them more. What do I do? How do I get him to move back home to work on this? It is too hard to work on with him moved out!

I have copied the rest of my posts from the Just Found Out section below. Maybe they will help let you know where we are.

Posted Friday 09/21
Thanks for the feedback. I need all the help I can get. He takes the kids every other weekend for 1 night. I go out with friends this night. As for alimony/support, I am a stay at home mom and he is still supporting us 100%. He hasn't told me I need to figure out how to support the kids on my own. He seems perfectly fine still supporting us. Of course, this is killing us financially. He has agreed to seeing me and spending some time together just the 2 of us Sunday though. I think this is a good sign. Also, tonight he is finally going to and event that will force him to face all of his friends and family for the first time since this all happened. I am thinking these are good signs. That maybe he is ready to start trying to move past all of this. I know it will take some time but I am trying to remain optimistic.



Posted Friday 09/21
Yes his family knows. They have been there to support me. I could not have made it this long without them. The OW is not married. His boss is his cousin and they have not sent him back to a job in the town the OW lives in or even close. They all think he is crazy. He came by tonight and we ended up in bed but he asked me before we did if it could be just sex. Of course I agreed because if it is going to be just sex I would prefer it be with me rather than someone else. Also, I feel like it will help us start reconnecting on some level. Is this wrong? I wanted it just as much as he did. I also know that a week ago he would not have been willing to do that. Could this be viewed as a start to progress of moving forward?

SHB, who is this OW and has the affair been exposed? Is she married? You said she is single, HOW do you know this exactly?

Your H has moved out to carry on his affair. Your best strategy to get him back will be a 2 pronged approach to ruin his affair and ATTRACT him back by showing him that you would be willing to meet his needs if he would quit his affair.

But first off, you must expose the affair and you MUST tell your kids the truth. Kids can deal with the truth, they cannot deal with lies. They know something is up and desperately need your moral guidance.

Is this his first affair? What shape was your marriage in before the affair?

First of all, I REALLY appreiate all of the advice. We had a wonderful marriage. Or so I thought! He has not seen the OW since I found out. She lives 6 hours away and he has not had the opportunity. I have an inside connection that tells me most every move he makes. I know that he is where he says he is. This is his first and only affair. The affair is very much exposed! To the point that every where I go I run into someone that knows. We live in a very small town! My kids don't know though. I can't bear to tell them. Especially my daughter. She would never look at her dad the same way again. She is already so full of anger. I feel HE should be the one to tell them. They are with him tonight and I miss them dearly. He knows I am more than willing to meet his needs. We have always been really good together. One of those marriages, or so I thought, that you new God put you together for a reason.

SH, he is the LAST PERSON who should tell your DD's since he is not likely to be very honest. He will just tell her lies most likely and cause her MORE confusion. She needs to be told the truth. It is in her best interest to know the truth about what is happening. If you don't tell her, you leave her wide open for her own imagination, gossip, and/or your H's wayward spin. She SHOULD be angry and she should look at him differently. Telling her lies about this is not in her best interest. Children are not made secure and happy by lies and illusions.

So, he was blissfully happy at home, SHB? That is usually not the case. Did he feel loved and respected by you?

Why do you believe the affair is ended and WHAT ended it? If it is ended why did he move out?

I always respected and loved him. An I was always do anything I could to show him. He moved out because he said he didn't know how we could work on anything if he idn't. He thought we would just fight all the time if he were here. He at first said he headn't been very happy for the last year, but since then he has said he HASN'T been that UNhappy over the last year. He ended the A after I found out. One of the reasons I know it is over is because he hasn't been back to that town is the 6 weeks since he moved out. I watch cell phone bills for everythin. Also. I called the ho.

See, he can't work on the marriage if he is not there. That makes no sense to move out if your goal is to work on your marriage. They only move out to continue the affair. I hate to say it, but I am not at all convinced the affair is ended. He doesn't have to go back to that town to carry on the affair. He could be calling her from another phone and just biding his time and laying low until the heat dies down. And she could easily come to your town and meet him.

Can you hire a PI to tail him?

Listen to Mel, even when you don't want to.

My H moved out, came home and told me the A was over. Then he left again but said it had nothing to do w/ OW and that he wasn't seeing her anymore. He never sent NC letter. Mel kept saying that he was still in contact. It hurt so much to believe it, but she was right. I now sit with proof of it. Although he doesn't know that yet. He will when I get my next line of exposure in order.

It is so hard when we want to believe in them again. You know, when we thought we had the perfect (or close to it) marriage. But they have become liars and manipulators and they are addicted to the A. They are not the men that we loved. They are aliens. WS's are enemies to our marriages.

Listen to Mel.

It has been a while since I have visited this board so let me give you a update. It has been 9 weeks! He still says he doesn't know what he wants! Wouldn't you know if you wanted a divorce after 9 weeks? He and I have spent some time together in the last 3 weeks. We even spent time as a family last Saturday! Everything seems to go REALLY good when we are together. He is loving and kind. Last Saturday when he left he gave me a kiss and I told him I love him. Something I don't say often to him anymore. Usually if I say it I get "Ok.' or he just looks at me or looks away. This time he looked at me a second and said "Love you." It sounded almost like it just hit him! Yet he still doesn't know what he wants! I have confirmation that it is over with the OW. He is out of town on a job for the next 5-6 weeks. I have told him that he has to have a decision made when he gets back from the job. Told him the kids and I can't keep living like this. I talked to his friend, the one that he is living with, and he told me that my H has been acting and sounding really depressed this week. Maybe he has finally hit rock bottom. I am trying to find a job, but in our community they are few and far between. I having been substituting at the schools in the meantime. I think if I wanted a divorce, it wouldn't take me 9 weeks to figure it out. Why would he have said "love you" this time when he never had before? It was after spending family time together. And, he looked so sad to be leaving that night. I still want to make our marriage work. When he is here, or we are together, he seems so happy and relaxed. Can't figure him out. Why all the mixed signals? Could it be that he just hasn't figured out how to forgive his self or how to deal with the whole ordeal his self? I know he has to deal with it and get past it as much as I do.

Sounds to me like there is STILL contact somewhere. She could be meeting him somewhere. The reason hs won't move home is not because he hasn't figured things out, and it is not because he feels guilty. It is most likely because he still is wanting to eat cake.

Agree with believer. He is still in contact. He is not coming home because it is easier to carry on his affair this way.