Found out H had affair 4 weeks ago by finding a receipt for a card & stuffed animal. He denied at first then said she was only a friend. 2 days went by and I went to find her and I asked her what was going on and she told me everything. They had been having an affair for a year and a half. I imm. called my husband and he said I guess you know it's really over now. I broke down and he met me at the house to tell me that he wanted a divorce and that I didn't make him happy. He loved me but wasn't in love anymore. He said I abandoned him and neglected him for so many years and he finally couldn't take it anymore. He claims that he cares about this girl but it isn't the kind of feeling he has for me. He said she always put him first and made him feel special. He cried during this talk and left saying he just needed time. Next day he came by house saying he wanted to come home and that he realized that I really loved him (also claimed he did not think I cared about him for anything other than bills when I first found out). Long story short, he was coming home but I had doubts he had really told her so I called her and she said all he told her was he needed time to himself. Little did I know was that while I was talking to her he was on his way to her house to tell her he was working it out with me. She wanted me and her to sit down with him and talk bc he was lying so much. I didn't want to but next thing I know he had realized we were talking so he called us both and wanted all 3 of us to sit down and talk. We all met and it was so weird. He told me that she was there when he needed someone to talk to and she did things for him I never have. Then he told her he loved me to death and had spent half of his life with me(we are high school sweethearts)and that he always thought I just settled for him b/c I wouldn't let anyone know we were dating at first and I didn't want to go to the prom with him. Basically he still feels like I was ashamed of him. He also told me he a a little fling right before we married with a girl that was in our circle of friends. He said they were drunk and she was hitting on him and one thing led to another, even though they slept together once more. I had no idea about any of this. He told her that he was coming to tell her that he was going to work things out with us. He left the meeting saying that it was best for us to just forget about him and that he was really sorry he did this. He came by the house later b/c we are raising my 10 yr old sister together and he said he always wanted me to do those things for him and to make him feel special and that he always loved me. I admit that there were times I did some horrible things to him and said some terrible things (he can't have children & I have thrown that up in his face on a few occ.). He came home that ngt and things seemed so good for about a week and a half. During that time he was affectionate and sorry for what had happened. He did call the OW twice to check on her and he told me about it. She ended up calling me a few days later and told me that he wasn't going to change and telling me all these details of their affair and how he said he wanted to marry her and he would spend his life making it up to her. It was so hurtful. I asked him what he wanted and he said he only wanted me and that she was trying to win him by default. About a week after he satrted to seem so distant and out of it. He said he was mentally drained and physically beat down. Started telling me things like he thought he'd be happier at home and wasn't sure if it was because all I did was talk about it all day long or if he just wasn't happy. Said he thought he may be depressed, etc. Then I had enough one day and told him to leave, then I called OW and told her she could have him and said some pretty awful things out of anger. She of course called him the very next day and told him what I had said. She even met him up at a gas station to tell him this. He said seeing her didn't mean anything to him and he told her he was sorry but that he was at home now. I don't know if they have talked since but that was a week and half ago. We've had some really tense moments at home and some days he seems so loving and happy to be home, others he seems distant and angry. We fought thurs ngt and he was in a rage and said some really mean things and said he was leaving. Then next morning he left for work and kissed me and said I love you before he left. Then this morning he had to go to work and he just left without saying anything. I am so confused b/c on one hand he seems normal and other days he seems so disconnected form me. He also refuses to talk about anything righ now. He says he is so tired of talking everyday and just wants us to be normal for a few days and see what happens. He said he will talk to me about the affair but it can't be everyday - he says we need to move on and try to work things out, says the everyday is driving him crazy. I keep asking him if he really wants to be home and he says he is here and he loves me and wants to try and work it out but his actions say he is distant and withdrawn. I am so confused! What is happening with him, is he withdrawn, depressed or what? I can't keep going on like this everday wondering what he's thinking - everyone says including him, that he had a way out of the marriage when he left that first day and that he didn't have to come back. He came back because he wanted to but it sure desn't seem like it. Does anyone have any advice for this situation? I do love him and wish we could really try to make this marriage better but I have a huge fear he is going to change his mind. I am going to start the plan A when my book arrives and limit the angry outbursts and questions. Just wondering if I am overanalyzing too much or is this normal behavior for cheating spouse.

BTW: We've been married 5 years, together for 14 years. We are 29 & 31 years old. Affair started about 5-6 mths after we went thru 2nd failed in-vitro attempt.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Please don't wait until the book comes to start your Plan A, and eliminate LB's. Start that TODAY!

Hubby needs to be willing to write the OW a no contact letter. It should say that the affair was a terrible mistake, that he loves YOU, and is staying married. It should let her know that he never wants contact again with her for any reaon.

No contact is essential, because every time they have contact, you are back to the starting point in your recovery.

It sounds like you know what went wrong, so start changing those things. It IS necessary to discuss the affair, but not every waking minute.

Your situation sounds very promising. I would invest $180. for a phone call to the Harley's to get a recovery plan right away. Don't let the affair/contact keep dragging on.

Also please divide your posts into paragraphs for easier reading.

LB29:

Work on the LB's (LoveBusters). And start working on the Admiration Emotional Need of your H.

You can read my thread of Discovery day here: LG DDay Thread

And sorry you have to be here.

But there is hope.

LG