I have been married for almost 6 years it is the third marriage for both of us. 3 months after we were married I suspected my wife of having an affair with her ex-boyfriend. I was at work one evening working swing shift and I had a feeling something was going on. I could not get a hold of her and I was in a panic because I knew in my gut what she was doing. I came home at 11 pm and her car was still warm. I went in the house and she was there watching TV freshly showered (she never showers at night). I confronted her with the affair, she denied it, I called BS, she confessed. She swears it only happened that one time. We went through the MB site together and did all the surveys etc. She wrote him a no contact letter. We had some in depth discussions about it and after some time the affair was forgiven.

A year later she secretly went to a "get together" at his parents house (where he lives, 42yo). She tried to lie about where she was but I called BS again and she confessed but said nothing happened because the whole family was there. We talked to a pastor about it and I felt she came away with a better understanding of my feelings.

Off and on over the last 5 years I have found e-mail, phone messages, cards and letters from various members of "his" family. All of which she tries to keep from me. I have told her repeatedly how I feel about it and it keeps happening. I have not found any evidence of her seeing or talking to him alone since the "get together".

Her story is she wants to keep in contact with his mother because they were close. His father died two weeks ago and she went to the funeral. This was not before she tried to lie to me about where she was going. I had another feeling because I seem to be able to tell when she is lying. I called BS and she confessed where she was going. Yesterday I had another one of those feelings and this morning she told me she was going to see his mother. I think she thought about lying again last night but she must have thought better of it. I could see a story starting to be laid out when she was asking me what my plans for the day were. So, she has been at his house all day today.

Catching her telling lies hurts almost as much as the affair did. I think she does it to avoid the conflict of my feelings about her wanting contact with his family. I have told her repeatedly that it hurts more to be lied to.

My question is this... Am I over reacting to being concerned? If she really does want to have contact with his mother is it right for me to try to stop it? If there really is nothing going on and I make too big of a deal out of it could I push her into renewing the affair (might as well do what you are being accused of)out of spite? How do I stop the lies?

Thanks in advance for any advice.

U R NOT overreacting. Call Jennifer C @ MB for some phone counseling. Jennifer may ask the WS if her R with BF and his family is more important than you and your M. If her response is yes, then you'd better finish your plan A and move forward to plan B.

WS is hanging onto the BF's family for a reason. BF may not want her and she may not like getting dumped.

Do you have another source to verify other than BF?

L.

Welcome to MB. You are both on your third marriage, and there are already problems in this one.

I suggest the two of you keep reading here, and especially about the Policy of Joint Agreement. Neither one of you should be having secrets from the other.

Also, do the two of you spend 15 hours a week doing fun things together?

Basically, she is having an on again, off again affair. As long as she has any contact at all with him, it rekindles her feelings for him. She has never withdrawn from him and has never ended her affair. When a wayward spouse won't end her affair, the next step would be to go into Plan B and completely seperate with her until she does. Otherwise your marriage will just curl up and die from this abuse.

And be assured that something IS going on or it would have been no problem to leave this affair behind. She wouldn't even dream of sacrificing her marriage for a mere buddy. Can you imagine sacrificing your marriage for some guy named Joe at work? That is not even realistic.

Her continued contact is profoundly disrespectful and cruel to you. This is a HUGE lovebuster, and a few more years of this and you will feel NO LOVE AT ALL, only resentment.

So, if you want to save your marriage, then seperate while you still have some love left and remove yourself from her abuse. And yes, this is ABUSE. When she truly ends her affair, you will have a marriage left. But, if you keep up like this, you have nothing because all of your love for her will have completely eroded.

LowBlue,

You've just been given advice from three of the most wise posters on this forum. Listen to them. That's my advice.