I'm new here, just found out about situation at home, and I'm lost and confused.

I'm a 32 year old male in the military, wife is a 28 year old student with a part time job as a finance analyst at the school. We have a 3 year old son.

I've been deployed in Afghanistan for 3 1/2 months now. A week ago I got a letter, saying that she had moved out, and won't be waiting for me when I return.

I've talked to her once since the letter, it was a nice civil talk, we didn't talk about anything in particular, just a conversation about how things were going in general. I felt so good after the talk just to have been able to spend a little time with her, even though we didn't really talk about anything.

I've tried to get her to open up, and talk to me about the emotions and/or reasonings behind this move she made. I can't get a word about it out of her. I've poured out my emotions and feelings, and no response. The only response I can get is if I ask about our son, or the finances, or something like that.

We've been together for 8 years, married for 6. Things haven't been the greatest lately, and we're both at fault in that. The marriage slipped, and when I left on this tour, I knew that we were having problems. I resolved to myself to take this time away to work on my issues, correct my faults, and change my shortcomings. I think that I had identified a lot of the problems I had been contributing to the marriage, and was resolved to go back and be a better husband and father. Since I got the letter, I've redoubled my efforts to that extent. And I recently came across this site. The information has opened my eyes to a lot of other problems I think I may have had. I've ordered the His needs Her needs, Love Busters, and the companion workbook, and those should be waiting on me when I return home in a few weeks now.

I don't know what's going on with the wife, I can't get any information from her. With all the soulbearing I've done, she's not responded to anything at all. I sit at work waiting to hear from her all day, I go home to the tent, and lay in bed thinking of every possible thing that might be happening there. Another man, papers waiting on me when I get back, my son calling someone else Daddy, and anything else that someone could possibly imagine. I had a day off from work yesterday, and I sat in my little sheeted off section of the tent, with the computer running waiting to see if she'd logon to the instant messenger to talk. And no surprise she didn't again.

I have no idea what's going on in her mind. She has a new phone now, and she hasn't given me the number for that, I don't where she moved to, and she doesn't answer the old phone when I call it. She won't respond to any emails, and I can't get anything that helps to make any sense of this. I can't eat except when I force myself to, I can't sleep with all the thoughts assailing me while I lay in bed, I don't know what's going on.

I did ask her on the one occasion when we talked if she would consider counseling, and she said no, she didn't think it would help anything. She just said she cares for me, but she doesn't love me, and that she hadn't for a long time.

There's nothing I can do from here really, I'm just trying to make it through until I rotate home, but I'm not sure I can do that.

I don't know what to do when I get back either, I've got a million things I'd like to do, to show her how I've changed, that there is still hope for us, a chance for us, but I have no idea how to break through the walls and do that, or find out what's even going on.

first off i can't believe that spouses drop this bomb when their spouse is deployed! that is cruel to me.

secondly, you share a child. she HAS to let you know where she is and how to contact her. you have a right to talk to your child. do you have any legal counsel deployed there with you? any military higher ups that can help you there? she has to let you talk to your son and you have to know where to send mail. that is not an option.

i feel for you. i can't believe people are so inconsiderate, no, it is cowardly. she was too much of a coward to do this before you left, she knew it would be easier to do via a letter when you are so far away. coward.

mlhb

mlhb is right. She has to let you know. Get whatever help you can from the military while you're over there. I'd also fight this one tooth-n-nail. Fight with HNHN and Surviving an Affair. Even it there isn't another man, this has great information. Also, you can fight by dragging it out in the legal system, and it won't look pretty she sent a "Dear John" letter.

I'd like to thank you for your service. What you and others are doing is appreciated here at home. I know my kids and I are safe because of you.

And if you just need to blow off steam while waiting for her email or IM, this is a safe place to do it. Check out Emotional Needs board. They see a lot of action and have great advice, some from people who have been where you are now and saved their marriages. Look at a post by The Tall Man. It's inspiring.

Thank you for the support, I do love what I do, and it's definately not easy a lot of the time, but it's always nice to hear it's appreciated.

I had confided in several friends at work, and when things were seeming to get even worse I ended up talking to the chaplain, and the group commander, and first sergeant as well. I had to go and get some sleep aids as well to try and get that under control.

A lot happened, and I was constantly trying to make sense of everything, and still believe in her. When we were together she always handled the finances, and I didn't change the security settings on the web bank page. But after letting her know how I felt, and taking responsibilty for my faults, I said I would give her some space, and talk to her when I got home. The next day she started up some new transfers from my account to hers, a one time xfer in Oct, and a recurring xfer starting in Nov and running through next Dec. The amounts were a bit high as well. It really hurt to see that after I just said I was going to give her some spave and time to think on things. I ended up cancelling the xfers, changing all the security settings, and sent her a letter saying that I cared for her and my son more than anything, and that I would not let them be without things they needed. But that she had left our home, started a new household, created her own new accounts, and closed all our joint ones. And that as such she did not have free reign in my accounts anymore. If she needed something, she could contact me, and we would work it out.

She contacted me again. And during the conversation we were able to make some decent progress I think. It was a nice long talk, and like the previous one it felt so good just to be communicating with her again. We sorted out the issues that needed to be taken care of right now. Making sure she had the money to care of our son and everything. The remaining matters, such as the last bit of debt we had when she left, and the household goods we'll deal with when I get back.

Visitation will be tough for me during the week with the long trip I have to and from work, but rather than schedule specific days, we're mostly leaving that open and will play it by ear according to our schedules. Whatever shifts I may be on, projects she has for school, and time off we end up having. I'm hoping we'll be able to work in some time to spend with each other somewhere in the middle of this.

I realize now that we had both let our love slip, we weren't true to what we needed to do in the marriage. I think and hope that we can rebuild that again, but a lot of stuff has happened during this, and lot will have to be rebuilt. I hope I can do it. I'm going to have a lot of reading ahead of me when I get home. And I think I will check out the Surviving an Affair book as well. I'm fairly certain she isn't seeing anyone at this point, but I do have some big trust issues that I'm going to have to deal with from the way she handled this.

I have two hopes right now, one that we can work things out, and be a family like I know we should be, and two that failing that the wife and me can remain friends and at least bring our son up in a loving, if not separated home.

I am very grateful for this site so far. I've learned a lot about myself visiting here, and more importantly when things were at the roughest points for me, I was able to see that taking the easy route, avoiding the work that will be necessary, and putting everything behind me would not have been the right thing to do. Regardless of how everything works out over the next few months, I've at least got some hope.

You sound like you have a good plan and are handling the situation as best as possible.

One hears so many stories of dad's who just "move on." However, I find that the men here on MB are so responsible, hardworking and loving. They don't adicate their role. In short, they are MEN.

Sorry for the aside. You're doing great. Let us know what happens.

Caniption,

Are you Air Force? The reason I ask is because you mention first shirt...

Well, I am the STBXW of an AF memeber. I know all too well about deployments and being apart from your loved one. I am so sorry you are going through this. It is so devastating, I know.

You were right to cancel the transferes and to let her know that she has to contact you if she has any money needs. You even said you are NOT denying her any money or support. But I agree with you, that it isn't right for her to just start taking money, let alone start another household. You as a military member have rights. Is she in base housing? Or do you live off base? As a spouse, with you gone, is there a key spouse involved? How about friends?

I just don't understand how someone could just do that. I know that my STBXH and I have been through so many deployments. There were times when I felt I couldn't handle it, but all I thought about was how I was here, at home, supporting and loving him and praying for him. I had to buck up and take the responsibility of running a household and taking care of our children.

Okay, now I hate to ask this, but is there a possibility that there may be somone else? Do you have friends stateside that you can talk too?

As a STBXW of an Air Force man, I wish I knew what to tell you. Is there a possibility that she is depressed? Is this the first deployment you have been one?

You are doing the right thing by talking to your Shirt, chaplain and commander. I know that they will do what they can to help you out.


Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. I just don't understand how she could do this to you while you were deployed. I agree with what others have said, this site offers a lot of support to you. Read everything you can. I find it as a major compfort to me to know that there are others out there to offer support and advice.

Best of luck to you....

I am in the Air Force, but this isn't our first deployment. We've had 2 other deployments, several TDYs together, and we actually celebrated our first anniversary when I had been in Korea for one month.

We've done a bit more talking now, and I've learned a few more things. A couple of which I wasn't aware of, or at least didn't process fully when I should have.

I have two problems that I've always known about with myself. I have a bad temper/anger issues, and I have an addictive personality.

The temper I normally keep under control as I've dealt with it for a long time. As the relationship between us strained, and we grew more distant, my control over my temper strained as well. She noticed me becoming increasingly more upset about things that normally didn't get too me. Idiot drivers in the city, and little things like that, were working me up more than they used to. It got to the point that on a couple occasions she said she was afraid of me even.

The addictive personality is something I'm not sure how to deal with completely. The thing is if I pick up a hobby, or interest, and start to get into and enjoy, I can very easily slip into a state where it consumes me. The most recent one had been online gaming. As the time I spent online grew, it strained the relationship. As the relationship became strained, I withdrew more into the computer.

I was aware of some my problems in our relationship and was working on them while I've been here. And as hard as this all was, especially before I knew what was going on, taking a good hard look at myself, I think the wife leaving like she did was prolly for the best. It has definately opened my eyes and got my attention on a lot of issues I knew I had, it also has gotten me to realize some that I wasn't yet aware of. While we still both have issues to deal with, I think she did the right thing by her and my son, while I work on my bigger problems for right now.

I'm going to be going through some anger management classes when I get back, and I'm going to try to pick up a hobby interest in yoga, or something like that as well. One of those 'spiritual cleansing' activities I can do at home to help me maintain my composure.

For the addiction parts I'm going to be dropping my big problem ones. Drinking, Gaming, and Tobacco.

I don't drink all that much anymore, but when I would drink at home, most of the time it wouldn't stop at a drink or two, I'd get myself pretty drunk, or pass out. So the drinking is gone. I haven't had a drink the whole time I've been here, so this one should be pretty easy to keep up once I get back. I will now be the guy everyone wants around when they drink so that they always have a DD to get them home.

The gaming, I'm quitting. The biggest offenders I've already stopped since I've been over here. But I'm going to be cutting out all my gaming when I get back. The only exception will be when I have my son with me. If he comes up to me and wants to sit down and play a game with Dad from time to time, I'll do that with him.

The tobacco will be a hard one for me. I smoke and chew, and sometimes both at the same time. I'm planning on dropping the smoking first I think, and then the chew. I've had this habit for a long time, so it won't be easy to do.

Everything that means anything to me is on the line here. I'm hoping that by completely getting rid of these major things I've been addicted to will help me to avoid any more addictions. I'm going to work on several hobbies, and interests as well and try to keep myself spread out, and not focusing on any one thing in the future.

Once these issues are out of the way, I think I may be able to start building back the sense of security my wife lost in me, and from there the love we had for each other before.

Well I've finally returned back home now, and got ahold of the STBXW. I wanted to see our son, spend a little time with him, and give him the gifts I picked up for him from the local bazaars. She wouldn't come over to the old house, and wouldn't let me go to her new place either. Finally convinced her to come out tonight and meet in a neutral place.

She had said that she would call when she finished with work and school for the day today, and after it had passed time for her to have been home, I called. She was there. And had been all day, our son was sick, and the day care was closed since it was a federal holiday, he puked all over the car and her when she was trying to head in to a couple classes she still had, and spent most of the time cleaning that up before she gave up and just sat at home and missed those classes today.

Once I finally got her to agree to meet with me, I showed up, and she was there eating something already with our son. He was surprised as heck to see me when I walked up, and I gave him his new toys, and we talked about the color and shape of them for awhile before he settled down for a bit.

Then we started talking about the relationship for a bit, she said she just started thinking about how unhappy she was, and that she didn't think she could take me returning, and having to deal with that. I tried to get more info on what was the final straw, why she didn't think what we once had was worth a serious attempt to better, and she didn't have much to say. She said she was happy now since she had moved out with her work and school, and that things had changed for us, and she didn't think it could be better. I pointed out that once we were happy, and that things changed then, and that if it changed once, it could again as well, except for the better this time.

Her response was that she didn't have the time for that. She was happy now, and claimed that our son was too, although he's too young to understand what's going on, he's still just happy all the time now pretty much. And then went on to claim that she grew up fine without a father around all the time, and that he would be now too. Even though she complained many times in the past about not ever knowing who her father was, and was actually very excited to have tracked him down a couple years back, and learned a little bit about him.

There's still so many holes in all the stories, and along with the way everything else has happened, I'm afraid that she's drained any remaining balance of LC that were left. I couldn't trust her without a very serious change on her part, and she has yet to address, acknowledge, or mention any of her faults in the relationship, and she's made it clear she doesn't have time to try and worry about saving the family we had, cause she is happy with the way things are for her now.

I'm still going to sit down and read the books I've ordered. It may help me come to better terms with my own faults, and it certainly can't hurt to know the information if I meet someone else somewhere along the line.

She's so blatantly against anything that would remotely be helpful to the relationship and family we once had that I can't see any hope at all for anything again.