My husband and I have been married 22 years. On Wednesday he confessed to me that he's been seeing a friend of his for a couple months and it has turned into a sexual relationship. He wasn't sure he loved her at first, now he says he doesn't love her. He says in his heart he knows he loves me, but it's fuzzy in his head how he is feeling and he's confused. Fair enough, but this is the SEVENTH woman I know about in our years of marriage. How can I possibly stay this time? At what point do I become a fool for continuing to take him back and then being surprised and hurt when I find myself in this situation AGAIN? I am Catholic and of course the church wants us to try to work this out because of their stance on divorce, although my priest did say that the church does allow divorce under this sort of circumstance. My husband called Catholic charities to arrange counseling, but I must say I don't hold out a lot of hope for it. He says he wants to stay and he wants to find out why he keeps doing this so he can stop doing it. I don't believe anything he says to me anymore and there hasn't been trust for years. How can anyone stay in this sort of marriage? Why should I waste my time and energy and money on a counselor? We've gone to counseling before and it got better for a while and then it got worse again. I just didn't realize we were at this stage this time. I thought we were doing really well. I've been having health problems and he said it really scared him that I was going to die. So he goes to another woman to talk about it and ends up falling in love with her? She has told him repeatedly, when he's called her to end the relationship (I've heard HIS end of two of the conversations) that she will wait for him as long as it takes. She keeps sending him messages and calling him and since he works alone in the evenings, she could go up to his work anytime she wanted. That's where they were having sex on the night shift! I just don't believe he'd be strong enough to turn her away. The conversation I heard was one of a man apologizing to her for leading her on and telling her they would just have to stop, but there was no conviction there. I could tell he was heartbroken to hurt her, yet he didn't seem that heartbroken when he told me about it. What do you all think. Should I just let her have him? She's always going to be a threat hanging over our relationship and if my husband wants to, even if we manage to make our marriage better, he's going to find something to be unhappy with me about so he can justify going back to her or having an affair with someone else. How can I know what is the right thing to do? Would any of you bother with counseling? I've been with this man since I was 17 years old. We have four children together and right now I don't have a job or any way to support our kids. I've never lived on my own and I don't hold out a lot of hope for me ever finding someone else if we do divorce. I'm not a pretty woman, I'm 42, I have some health issues and I'm overweight, although I'm losing weight due to diabetes control. I've lost 30 pounds in 3 1/2 months, but I've still got about 50 to go. I don't have any friends, either. Do you think this marriage builders program could help even extreme cases like ours? Do you think going back to church will help him? I know he's terrified that he's going to ****** because he's committed a mortal sin multiple times. That's not enough to change someone, though, is it? I don't know what to do. Should I tell him right now to get out or let him stay and agree to go to counseling for a while to see if we can work it out before I make any final decisions? I know if I asked him to leave, although he denies it, he'll run right back to her. Guess I'd have my answer then, huh? Problem is, how would I know if he said he wasn't seeing her if he was telling me the truth or not. God help me. I can't do this again.

Have you read Dr. Dobson's book "Love Must Be Tough"? There is a biblical basis for you to let him go, which is basically Dr. Harley's Plan B.

So is plan B the plan of no return, in other words, divorce and no chance for reconciliation? I can divorce him if I have to, I just don't want to be alone forever and never have a successful romantic relationship in my life. I don't think anyone would want me.

The last 2 days my husband has been super clingy. He wants to hold me constantly, tells me he loves me and cries a whole lot. I don't know how to react because it just may be too late. Where was this guy when we still had a chance? Where was he when he was telling his mistress what a bi*** I am and how only she really loved and understood him? We've talked til late for the last two nights and while I'm glad we have it's getting hard. This morning he woke me up 30 minutes before he went to work so he could cuddle and hold me and cry some more. Remorse is wonderful, but after 8 affairs in 22 years, it's coming at a rather ironic moment, don't you think? I promised God I would and have forgiven him but I don't think that means I guaranteed we would stay together. I don't see how we can ever have a good relationship again without trust and respect and I surely don't think I can ever get those things back. It's pretty obvious he wants to have conjugal relations again, but I can't do it. I can't get certain imaginings out of my head. He said he can wait as long as it takes and he knows he wants to be with me, but I know it's just a matter of time before he gets impatient with the lack of intimacy and loses his temper and goes back to her because I am not "meeting his needs" again. If I stay, we'll be in this same boat in another year or two, it's virtually a guarantee. Why does he have to make this so hard? Why couldn't he just say, "I don't love you and I want a divorce"? Why isn't God speaking to me? Why haven't I heard his answer to my constant and fervent prayers for guidance. Even Mother Mary seems silent right now although I've been praying her rosary and Novena every day at my local church and I've sent prayer requests to every Catholic online prayer line I could find, especially asking St Padre Pio, St. Michael the Archangel, St Anthony of Miracles, St. Terese (Little Flower), Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta, St. Monica and St. Marguerite and St Catherine of Genoa (patrons of adultery victims), St Jude and St. Rita and all the angels and saints in Heaven for their intercession in prayer. Of course I've prayed to Blessed Mary every day for her divine intercession, and to the Sacred Heart of Jesus, God as Father and the Holy Spirit. I know I have to wait for God's will at God's time. It would just be so much easier if He would at least give me an obvious hint that I was on the right path and if I was supposed to be alone or not. My health continues to have problems and I feel really defeated right now. The only thing I can do is pray, I know. I appreciate everyone's prayers. I'm just so emotionally fragile I couldn't really enjoy my daughters' choir concert last night. One of them sang her solo, which made me cry. For some reason the teacher cut the song in which my other daughter had a small solo part and of course that made me cry (and be angry) even harder. I'm an emotional mess. God please help me.

Merrycat,

I am not a Catholic, but a born again Christian so my understanding having a relationship with God is a little different than what the Catholic teaches, but I hope to offer some help to you anyway.

First, John 17: states "And this is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent."

If anyone believes in Christ (this means placing their whole trust in Him and recognizing that He is Lord Whose words and authority are to be respected), they will be born again. This entails allowing the Holy Spirit to change them and conform them into the image of Christ.

Repeating the same sinful behavior, such as adultery, over and over does not reflect true repentance and would lead me to question whether or not your husband has actually submitted his life to Christ or is saved. I think that he needs to begin reading his bible and praying that God would help him to understand what it means to be a follower of Christ.

Being reborn is the only way for a man to change and that is what your husband needs.

As for praying to the saints you mentioned, I can only say that 1 Timothy 2:5 says "For [there is] one God, and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus;". A mediator is one that stands between two people. Saints do not stand between us and God, only Christ does. So we can pray and bring our petitions to Him and God will hear us.

Jesus also says that we can pray directly to the Father when we become born again by the Holy Spirit.

So my encouragement to you is to go directly to the throne of God with your worries and your situation. Hebrews 4:16 Says "Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need." This is no guarantee that you and your husband will recover your marriage, but that God will help you to see that He alone is your comfort and the only One Who can help you and change your husband.

I hope this helps and does not offend you in any way as that is not my intention at all. I just hope to give you some insight into what the bible says in regard to salvation and trials.

Blessings,

Sara

Welcome, Merrycat, to MB. I am so sorry for the situation that has brought you here, but I think this place can help you.

Please try also posting on the GQII (General Questions II) board. That is one of the most active boards here, and there are a lot of folks there who have been through situations like that, and can give you good suggestions, and specific advice. (editted to add- You can keep posting here too!)

Hmm, this is the most activity this board has seen in awhile. Maybe there's enough interest to start up a women's Bible study? Maybe one on health issues?