My history here, I have 2 other posts on the boards, under just found out Internet Infidility, and under GQII Life after Ea and ?'s. He says he wants our M to work, I'm just having serious doubts he wants to put any effort into it.

My life is getting so childish, I'm really getting lost. WH has agreed to MB but only participates if I continually spoon feed him with the info. It takes weeks for him to "get around" to any questionaires. So far only EN's has been done, and I'm meeting his EN's per his questionnaire. He is not meeting mine. It's like a child, I"ll only play with you if you do what I want.

I wrote him a letter stating that I really need some questions answered so that I could move forward. Mainly what/how are you going to never let anything like this happen again? What are your (his) plans for our M. He responded with here we go again (I've tried very hard not to ask questions), I've been trying to concentrate on MB. Well according to H after me asking him a question says "I should just be Over this by now. Geezzz if it were him he would have been "mad" a couple of weeks and over it. It was just the internet." According to him "he can't change overnight but he's trying. But this was a wakeup call for not just him but both of us. And it seems nothing he does will ever be enough."

His enough so far is giving me a kiss in the morning & evenings, actually saying good night, an occassional hug, handholding and saying I love you with the kiss.

I asked him ok wake up call, please explain, other than it's expected of him to go to work every day and bring home the $ he could give me nothing else. He did say however, I (me) also work and bring home a little $. Never remembering /caring ALL the years before the last 13 that I BROUGHT home the bigger paycheck, paid for all the family insurance, took care of 2 kids, him and the home. He moved us here, I got the best paying job I could in a rural area. This just seems so wrong. I am very PBS (pi$$ed betrayed spouse) now.

Yesterday I got the silent treatment all day, not 1 word. I didn't instigate any conversation either. I figured if he needed time to think I'd give it to him. Even tho I know that's not what it was...it was his punishment to me to dare question him. He's not an outward LB'er he just withdraws aand punishes with silence. Then says it's my fault because I didn't speak to him all day. I got dressed for church and left, he was still sleeping, came home and he just never said a word.

I'm feeling he will only put a very small effort into this M, just enough to keep me hoping. When do you realize they are never going to change. They will always put their needs and wants before anyone else?

I'm so disappointed right now I don't even think it's worth it. It's belittling to me to do it all. Am I crazy? Is this normal?

Please be gentle with the 2x4's on LB. I know I did. I just can't take much more being the only one to do the work. I'm starting to think he won't really recognize anything or take responsibility unless I'm not here.

I know according to MB I LB big time. I'm tired. I've been doing all the giving. He is and always has been a taker and self-centered just doing enough to get by.

If I'm suppose to be over this why isn't he putting forth any more effort? I'm so confused. Seems like he's going back to his bad habits and I don't know what to do.

Hi MVG,

It sounds like you need to decide what your expectations are for your H in rebuilding your M... and then let him know that your H has the choice of meeting your requirements, or facing the consequences. You will also have to decide what consequences you are willing to hand out if your H decides to NOT meet your requests.

Rebuilding a M does take two people. If your H is not meeting your needs, it is your responsibility to let him know. If you don't let him know that you are not satisfied with his efforts and what it will take for you to be satisfied, then he is going to continue with his same behavior.

Only you can decide what you are willing to put up with. For me, I told Mrs. RIF that we would go through MC or I would divorce her. I was not going to continue to live in a M where we didn't learn how to deal with our past issues.

Semper Fi,

RIF

I have told him he's not meeting my needs. He says he's trying...I told him yes you are doing somethings but very simple things, not the hard stuff. And only does the simple things when it's agreeable to him. He's also turning things around that this is my fault. I should just forgive and forget. I take my portion of the blame but it seems he wants me to take his too.

I agree that I'm the only one that can decide what I'll put up with. I don't know if I have the courage I'm trying to find it. My mind is just so confused.

Thank you responding.

RIF, Thank you! I did alot of soul searching and decided I cannot live with the way things are,the unanswered questions, and feeling like I'm on the edge of nervous breakdown.

WH & I talked, I broke down, then I told him I can't do this anymore. I just can't live without honesty and a 1 sided M.

He responded positively. He was more honest with me, some of his answers to my questions didn't make alot of sense to me as to why he would do something like this BUT I do feel he was honest about it and that to me was finally a burden lifted from me. He doesn't have my full trust but at least it's a HUGE step forward to me in his honesty. I was also able to very specifically lay down my boundaries. I was also able to truthfully tell him, I love him but I cannot and will not live like this EVER.

I'm not sure they way I'm handling this is exactly the way MB is set up but it worked for us. Now we can get on with the MB program according to design.

I just wanted to thank you so much. I knew I had to make a decision, and I didn't think I had any fight left in me. And you made me realize I had some hard decisions I had to make. THANK YOU.

I'm sure there will still be some rocky times ahead, but right now we're holding on tight. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just wanted to stop in and say that you took a very courageous step. I'm always delighted to hear that marriages are going to work out.

Thank you. It was one of the scarest things I've ever done. After RIF posted and support from my sister, I just couldn't live like this. I hope this is for real. Either way I've done what I can. I will continue to do my part but not his. Keep us in your prayers.