A little about me. I have been married to my husband for 6 years together for 9. We have 2 kids 4 and 5.
The first time I caught him was when we were dating and living together. He was being suspicious on the computer. He was chatting online. Not a huge deal breaker for me, but still hurt. So I went into his email and found messages to a girl from the summer prior. He had met her at a restaurant and they exchanged several emails and probably some phone calls. They just met the one time. From the emails it looked like she was pretty into him. Dont know why they stopped talking.
Second time... We were engaged and he was bartending and one morning we were sleeping the phone rang it was a girl who asked for him. It was a girl who hangs out at the bar. When I would go there she would never talk to me. Didnt think much of it til he called her one night. I was trying to go to sleep and I heard him talking to someone so I go out the living room and ask who he is talking to(It was like 2 in the morning) So he got off the phone. We fought he said it was nothing.
Third time was some sex phone conversations while I was pregnant with our first baby.
Fourth was a girl he met on a work fishing trip they take every year. She had a boyfriend and they met at the bar. He says they just talked and a couple text messages. He contacted her before going up there the next year with his brother. Didnt end up going there so he didnt get to see her.
Fifth is going on now. He was in another state for 6 months for military training. Him and his buddies would go out drinking every weekend and he started talking to another woman at a bar. Got her email and they sent only a few emails back and forth. He says nothing happened with her or anyone else while he was gone. But what is killing me with this one is the email I saw he was the one to ask what kind of relationship they were having. Just friends or something more.
I dont know what to do. He has destroyed my trust beyond repair. I dont believe he has ever physically cheated, but can you ever get over something like this. I dont want to get divorced. We went to counseling after the fishing incident discovery. Didnt do much. I love him so much and he is a great dad. What is killing me is thinking of him moving on with someone else. I cant get it out of my head him bringin someone to his parents house or to meet my kids. That thought is killing me. I havent really cried in the last couple weeks and my chest is aching because I cant cry. Sorry so long. I just wish someone could tell me what to do. I havent really talked to my friends or family for advice. Thanks for listening. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Oh yeah the reason he says he does it is cause I am not affectionate enough. He says its not about sex. I dont touch him enough and give him compliments enough. When he told me that the first time I did try to change, but last night he said he never noticed me ever changing. That hurt.
I told him it would be interesting to see how affectionate I could have been had he not lost my trust in the first place. Maybe I have a hard time investing myself fully to someone who I feel is just going to hurt me again.

Hi Cherry, sorry you are here.

Your H seems to be a pretty committed serial cheater. That is a breed of its own and I think you both need to look into professional counseling. Serial cheaters are a tough fix if even possible. Your WH is addicted to the rush these affairs give him and his recovery, if possible, has to be treated as an addiction. If he does not want to end this destructive behavior it won't happen.

This was a huge red flag.


I would start by getting the book Surviving an Affair by Harley. Then I would strongly advise a session with the Harleys.

Until then, read here and get started on a Plan A. He told you about his needs for admiration and affection so you have a start on his emotional needs. Avoid love busting behavior. Learn about boundries because your WH does not seem to have any in this relationship.

Statement A (implies you wish to remain married) oh, and forgive me but in my opinion great dads don't cheat on their chidren's mother.


Statement B (does not support Statement A and will not help in rebuilding your marriage)


Have you exposed his affairs to his parents? Will they support you and the kids against his behavior?

Be prepared for bad news about this one too.

Start reading the concepts on this site and get SAA soon. At the top of this forum page is several great threads to assist the new people to this site. To the right are links to some of the most important concepts.

I'm sorry you are going thru this. It IS tough. For me my H's EA was HORRIBLE. I felt like some how it was my fault. I may have contributed to not meeting his needs but it was HIS choice to betray you. Once you loose trust in a person it's very hard (not impossible) for them to regain it back.

Have you and your H talked about these situations openly? Do you feel he is being honest with you in his responses? Can you talk to him without it turning into a argument? I personally have a hard time doing that because the hurt starts kicking in and I feel my H's is not hearing me, but I keep trying.

Read the lovebusters and emotional info here. YOU start implementing them. It's hard and seems like it's YOU doing all the fixing, and it is at first. You also have to set your own boundaries of what you are willing to accept and what is NOT acceptable. You can do it without arguing, you state what you will NOT tolerate.

It also sounds like your H is out on his own way to much. Hanging with the guys is trouble. Sorta like a group of teenagers, if there is trouble to be found they will find it. Do the 2 of you spend adult time together?

Take chrisner's advice. I wish you well.

So I have the book Surviving an Affair by Harley on order. Hopefully that will help. We talked a little more last night. Mostly I talked. Told him what I have been thinking. The part where I am afraid it will keep happening and when do I stop it. The part where I hate the thought of him moving on if I decided on divorce.
I cant seem to get to the questions asked about the different episodes. I hate bringing it up. I know I need to and I want too, but it is just a tough one to do. He told me last night that he told me everything already. There are just questions that never got asked and some never answered to my satisfaction. So maybe this weekend I can bring the kids to my moms and we can have some alone time to talk more.
I feel like we can be happy again. I just will always be waiting and watching and snooping, and that can be exhausting. I dont want to live my life that way.
Has anyone heard of a book for the cheater that can help them, or does the one I ordered help him too?
Thank you

Surviving an Affair is primarily a guidebook for betrayed spouses and has information that could tip your hand at a later date. His Needs Her Needs is great for both but is overall relationship specific and not really about affairs.

Shattered Dreams recently recommended "After an Affair" by Janis Spring for both BS and WS but I do not know this book.

Also perhaps “Not Just Friends” by the late Dr Shirley Glass. This is written for both the BS and WS.

Unfortunately WS's frequently will not read materials and will resist any counseling. They do not seek to be educated by the BS and persistent attempts to do so end up as love busting.


Is he still in an active affair?

If so this affair must stop before any work can be done to your marriage.

Again in my opinion serial cheaters require real professional help (which they will resist) to cast light on their addiction.

Once you have read the book you really need to call the Harleys for a session to see what, and if, a plan can be put together for you.


Waywards lie and he is no doubt lying.