Someone said that I should write a "respect letter" to my H and let him know how unhappy I am. I am REALLY starting to believe that he doesn't love me and is just with me because of history and habit. I am always the one who has to bring up that we need to work this or that out. I am tired of always being the one to have to try to bring things together between us. And whenever we TRY to talk, his first thing is to start yelling and jump on the defensive as if I am attacking him. I am always the one using a reasonable tone, without cursing, but when he starts yelling, I start yelling and nothing gets solved. He is the biggest conflict avoider in the world!!! And now I am starting to have feelings for someone else! What is a respect letter?

Not sure what a respect letter is, but your H probibly does need respect from you...as you need from him.<P>Your problems may be more related to negative communication patterns than anything else. There are some great books that can teach you how to break some of these patterns.<P>You are way ahead by already identifying the problem of H being a conflict avoider and that esculating the conflict gets you no where. Don't know if you read my thread today on Would you like to dance? If any of it rings true, maybe you can see how breaking patterns can have big results.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Hi trying to forgive, <P>I am the one who suggested the idea of a respect letter. I got the idea from a sweet little old lady I garden with. She got the idea from a Christian Magizine to which she suscribes. The basic idea comes from the Bible where it tells the husband to love his wife and the wife to respect her husband. (Someone else here who is better "versed" than I am will have to tell you exactly where in the Bible you can find the verse.) The jist of the article suggests that men are admonished to "love" their wives, as for a man to love whole heartedly and unselfishly is difficult, that "loving" comes easier for women and that is what women "need". On the other hand, women are admonished to "respect" their husbands, because loving comes easy for women, but to respect is more difficult, yet "respect" (admiration in Harley's terms) is what a man "needs" and values. I read the article a long time ago, and this is the jist of what it said, I think! I don't know if I buy the whole rationalization, but to cover all angles, I wrote my H a "respect" letter, as opposed to a "love" letter. The article provided an outline to use as a guide. Sorry, don't have the out line, but with my H's permission I will share the letter I wrote to him, and you can use it as a guide. In writing this, I took the focus off the negative, hurtful parts of our lives together, and rather aimed at the good. It helped both of us get a new perspective.<P>Here goes...<P>Dear H.<BR> I have been spending a lot of time, as you know, thinking about us. Trying constantly to focus on the good, loving parts of our relationship in order to let go of the recent pain and disappointment.<BR> In thinking about our past, our journey through life together, these past 17 years, I have come to the conclusion that I have been fortunate to have had you as a part of my life and journey. You have been a source of strength for me when I needed strength and courage. You have provided for me and for our children, material goods far beyond my early expectations. You have given me opportunities to see more of the world than I ever would have dreamed possible. When we have made love, you have always considered my pleasure and satisfaction into the equation. You have helped reign me in when I became impulsive. You have laughed with me, cried with me and scoulded me when I needed it. You have shown me different perspectives and approaches to life's many challenges. I appreciate what it has taken from you to ensure these things for me. I see glimpses of more, newer and exciting adventures for us to explore together. I am excited about our inner journeys about as much as the exterior one. I hope we can continue growing together, side by side, along the same path. ...<P><BR>There was more, but from here on it became more of a love letter. You might not find this useful at all, but feel free to change the words to make it your own. Concentrate on what is valuable, and wah la, you may find his focus will also turn that way!<P>Good luck,<BR>I really feel for you in your situation. I would really like to whop your H upside the head, but that obviously is not working! <P>Beth

Eph:5:22: Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.<BR>Eph:5:24: Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.<BR>Eph:5:25: Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;<P>Col:3:18: Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.<BR>Col:3:19: Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.<P>For Pilot's Wife <P>

Ephesians5:33<BR>So each husband should love his wife as much as he loves himself, and each wife should respect her husband.<P>Thanks for the clue, Paul.<p>[This message has been edited by Pilot's wife (edited October 11, 1999).]

Thanks PilotsWife, everything in your letter, is what I'm sure my H would love to hear from me. And I am going to MAKE myself write one. It is so wierd that Paul told us the verses. Because the one about the H being bitter towards the wife, is exactly how I feel! I feel like my H is bitter towards me, and I don't know what he is bitter towards me about, since it is I that should be the one who is bitter after everything that he has done to us! Maybe he is bitter because I don't praise him, or make him feel like a hero. Or maybe he is bitter because he feels he made a mistake in chosing to marry me! I just don't understand the mind and heart of a man.

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