Wow.

So reading these threads took me back in time to a very unpleasant place. I almost didn't do it (read or post), bc things are GOOD now for us....

However, I remember how much I needed to hear from those who'd made it through the muck, so here I am posting.

Let me begin by address hubby of RLT: I have a unique perspective on the sitch, as I knew I'd cheated on him before I discovered his affair. Knowing this did not quell the hurt, the disillusionment, the betrayal, the feeling of being made fool of - or any of the other horrific feelings one goes through when you discover you are betrayed. (You'd think it would tho, wouldn't you?)

You are indeed correct about what a blessing RLT is to you, but I don't think you yet conceive of the ENORMITY of the second chance (or third, fourth, fifth, etc) she has granted you. Or how hard it is to continue granting it through each day, hour, minute - ESPECIALLY when she can achieve no certainty that the FAITH she is attempting to show in you and your ability to commit is deserved.

That re-commitment is what I'd like to talk to you about.

You may think it means you tell her you love her, maybe even that you actually 'act' like it again. You may think it's mouthing all the right words (OH! but she WANTS to hear them!) or you may believe that as you eek out those bits and pieces of confession (you think she can't take it, right?) or you may think it is praying diligently for forgiveness.

All these things are great, but they are not FULL COMMITMENT.

The hardest thing to do, in your WHOLE LIFE, lays ahead of you. Because, if you do it right, you will go through a most fear-filled time. That time of gut-wrenching FEAR is between the time you decide to CONFESS EVERYTHING and when you ACTUALLY DO IT.

No, let me take that back.... even BIGGER is the dread, as you wait, as she processes the information, as she mulls over just what this means about who she is, who you were, who you are and who you might be and whether or not she'd care to carry on with - or without - you.

For some BS's, this is over in a wink - just having the truth delivered and served before them is enough.

For some, even a smidge of dishonesty is enough to end it all.

For some, it takes a little time - a week, a month, perhaps several months - for them to become secure that there are no more surprises, and they finally begin to heal.

Honestly, some will never release the hurt. Some stay in the marriage hurting, some leave.

Now, I can assure you of this: It was the most frightful period of my life. The misery actually almost compared to the pain of betrayal. Why, you may ask? Because I had to face that I had also betrayed myself. Not just my husband. For years. Head on. No more denial to hubby or myself.

That is a very hard to thing to do.

I also had to accept that my confession might end US. And all the effort I'd put into preserving us would be out the window.

I could have continued lying for the rest of our lives together. He may have never known, nor suspected.

But I would know.

And then just what would I have? More of the same, never improving, never growing, never truly loving. I figured I honestly had nothing as it was - not really. Just the appearance of a saved marriage. We were living in an illusion, AND IT WAS ALL MY FAULT.

Now, the BEST part: believe it or not, the peace that follows is indescribable. Despite his hurt, despite knowing it was I that opened up that flood of pain and trauma -- I knew, at that moment, I NEVER had to go through it again.

Not really. Because that level of pain is in the hiding, in the secrecy, in the lying.

Certainly, he had moments where a bad dream would re-awaken the fears and doubts (I have had several of my own over the years - both of him betraying me again, and (ugh) of FOM trying to wheedle back into my/our lives)

But now, we have a freedom.

QUIT protecting yourself and telling yourself it's for her. It's not. It's you protecting your own self-image (for yourself) and the image you wish to preserve in her eyes (also for yourself).

She's ALREADY demonstrated the degree of pain she can tolerate.

Buck up. Be a man. Do the hard stuff.



You will thank us for it.