I have been married for 21 years, throughout my marriage there has been infidelity, drug abuse and a lot of fighting. My husband recently in February had an affair again. This time he kicked me out of the house 3 weeks before me finding out about it. He said it started after I was gone, but I dodnt believe him. He rubbed it in my face about her and said horrible hurtful things to me. I was crushed, I didnt know if this was the same person I was married to a monster had emerged. Anyways after a month and a half of me begging him to stop it, he finally did. We got back together and I moved home in May. I dont think I should have though, for my self respect and self esteem has fallen to an all time low since this all has happended. I am not unattractive, I am quite stunning as a matter of fact. So I know that I didnt fail my husband there. I worked, took care of our kids, our home. I love the Lord with all my heart, I am a good money manager and a good friend. I think the only way I failed in my marriage is that I allowed my husband to do to much wrong and then not do anything. so now here it is the end of Sept. I feel like I have a huge hole in me. And my husband still will not make time for me, have sex with me, consider me in anything. Matter of fact he is out of town for a week for a job knowing how much it is upsetting me. I am sooooooo lonely. He is always off doing something without me. Or he is to tired for me or to busy for me.
When we were separeted my husband told me to get the F..k out of his life, I was crushed. I met a man who very much wanted to date me. I couldnt at the time. All I could think of was my husband,my children and our home. This was a really great guy and a christian, but I just couldnt see him. I told him I was going back to my husband and that was that. Well in July I called him, from pure loneliness. I liked the way I felt when I talked to him. He paid attention to me. I stopped talking to him because I am married. But again this month after months of loneliness and begging my husband to spend time with me, I called him again. We met talked on the phone and eventually ended up in bed. I felt so bad. I ended it right away. I couldnt beleive what I had done. The problem I am having now is this man has awakened something in me that was dead for a long time. Something I put to death because it was to painful to try and get my needs met in the marriage so I just buried them. Well after my encounter with this man, I dont want to bury my needs anymore. I feel like I am dying. Like I am drowning in a sea of emptiness. I cant put it to rest and I dont want to. I want to have strong emotional connections with my husband but nothing I do helps. I bought both of Dr. Harleys books. He wont read them. I bought a couples devotional bible, two other marriage bible studies but he (my husband)wont do them.So now I feel like if i have to spend anymore of my life alone I will just die. I dont want to be alone anymore. But all of my request to my husband have gone ignored. This is just the tip of the ice burg. Major problems.

I am mostley concerned with me right now. I dont know if I can stay here much longer and deny myself intimacy with someone. I feel like I am screaming on the inside. Like I am dying, smothering, wilting away and theres nothing I can do. I am afraid that if I leave He will have her in my home again. I dont know if I can face it. and I am afraid that all along there was something horribley wrong with me that he did not want me.

I am hurting soo bad, prayers needed.

I am just a newbie here in many ways myself. I am really sorry you are hurting. There will be lots of people who can offer way better support than myself.

I don't have any words of wisdom accept I truly understand this pain and emptiness. It has debilitated me to a point where I didn't want to live, or I wanted to drink and use after almost 20 years.

I have to say that if you truly love your husband and want your marriage to work, don't become involved with anyone else. My H hasn't had intimacy with me since March 06, and I am extremly lonely and wanting. But, I love my H dearly and want my marriage to work and I am willing to wait a while longer for G-d to bless me.

My situation I think is as hopeless as they come, but I am hanging in there.

Good luck,
Skinsgal

((((crissane))))

I know your pain. I know your feeling of loneliness. Though my husband has not moved out, he is not touching me physically (not even holding of hands or occasional brushing of arms etc) and is emotionally shutting me out completely. Like skinsgal, I am also a newbie so I don't know if what I am going to say is in line with the MB principles or not.

I guess it all boils down to what you really want. Do you still want the M? You have any kids? If not, maybe you want to consider ending the M since your husband sounds like quite a serial cheater to me. If you still want your M, then don't be involved with someone else. It will just complicate matters. I know it is tempting. You want to feel wanted, desired, loved. But this is not the way to go.

If you want to start a new life, end your M properly, give yourself time to heal and then look around again. Right now, you'll have too many emotional baggage that even if you managed to find someone else, you won't be able to give the best for the other person. It is not fair to him too.

Take good care of yourself right now. Eat well, sleep well. Love yourself. Don't depend on others for your own happiness. You will never be happy that way. Go out and learn a new skill or new hobby. Take your mind off this matter for a while.

Another newbie chiming in. I hear your pain, I know your pain. You are not alone. (((hugs)))

Is his A over? Has NC been established? Is he regretful of it? I have to agree with the other poster, he sounds like a serial cheater. Does he want your M to work? Would he be aggreable to MC? Or is he just waiting for you to be fed up and leave? Do you have any support system? You need it!

As I've read so many times here, there is nothing wrong with YOU it's him. Yes, you may contribute to a non-thriving M but he is making choices that aren't condusive to a good M. I also hear your need for intimacy and having your needs met. DO NOT turn to another man again. Get female support. It's not the same, but other than intimacy woman have a niche for giving love and support. Have you considered counseling for yourself? It may help you come to grips as to why you would stay in this relationship.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

what type of drugs
how often

how old the children

ARK

Yes, how old are the children? If they are near being on their own, you have different choices.

My children are 19, 11, 8. My husband doesnt use drugs anymore he just still acts in all the bad behaviors. He's out of town right now. He didnt ask me how I felt about it, just said he was going until Wed. then informed me he'd be back on Sat. We argued over it. I really dont want to do this anymore. I dont trust him and I dont like who I have become. My own behavior is more disturbing to me than his is. I dont believe he has to be there for a week. The bottom line I am getting to is I DONT WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO PLAYS GAMES AND WHO DOES NOT WANT TO BE WITH ME. Boy either a person loves you and wants to work out problems or they dont. NO games. I just lack the courage of my convictions at this point. I am 38 years old, still very young. I do not want to spend another 20 years waiting on him. I am hear for support. I need to get it together and move on if he does not make changes with me. I am gonna give him one last chance to make changes when he get back, if i only hear words and no action I am done.

Very tire of lonely.
crisanne

Is there anything at all that he does to be a good husband or father?

of course he does, that is the hook. He is a great person, but I feel manipulated most of the time. Its like he only puts out just enough to real me back in and then when I least expect it, the behavior starts again. He's really a great guy in some aspects. But in others he really only thiniks of himself. I am tired of being confused, I hear one thing then he does another. He lives his life as if he is single, I guess the relationship would work well if he could be in control all the time and dictate when he sees the person, and everything else. Well while he is off out of town I am working and taking care of our kids, home Awwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He will come home and act like Father knows best and make my stomach sick. I am extremely angry with him rigth now.

crissane,

Explain to me why you don't divorce him. You have Biblical reasons. So let's talk about this. Something is holding you there but it is not his kind treatment of you is it??

How could he throw you out of the house? You also need to see a good lawyer and learn about YOUR rights in this situation and also how to protect your children.

Let us know your thinking on the matter.

God Bless,

JL

crissane, why do you allow yourself to be treated like that? And why did you leave your own home and your children? Did you know that some courts view that as ABANDONMENT? I am very surprised you left and allowed your husband to bring a ho into your own home in front of your children. Who is supposed to protect your children?

Why do you choose to live like this?

Quote,
He is a great person, but I feel manipulated most of the time.....AND.....He's really a great guy in some aspects.
----------------------------

Oh really? Based on your post, he does not sound all that great to me. Perhaps he is "great" in his own way but certainly not to you. If he was so great, would he be treating you the way you described? Of course not.

While not condoning your A with the OM I can see why it happened. You express remorse for that and that's a good thing. I wonder what many of us would do if faced with a situation like yours.

The fact that you are here shows resolve on your part to either have your M work or for you to leave but whatever you do, do not WAIT for him to make the first move. It sounds like that will not happen.

My thoughts are with you too.

AB

I am scard to death to leave for good.And I did not abandon my children I fought for them. He changed the locks on my house and physically put me out. I didnt call the police because I couldnt believe it was happening. I hear to get strong, something inside is very broke. I know I need deep healing and I am searching for it. Now as far as the OM I am not seeing him or talking with him anymore. I dont want to complicate my life. I know another person is not gonna change my life, I had a momentary lapse of reason. I have gon to Jesus and asked for forgiveness and repented. I cant do something like this. I am making an appt. with my pastor to talk about what happened and then I am going to tell my husband. Whatever happens happens. I am sure he will rip me apart verbally and emotionally for it. But he needs to know that our marriage is soooooo sick and torn down. Maybe this will turn it around. Right now I am thinking of separation so I can get my head clear.

With all due respect my dear, turning to your God is a wonderful way to find spiritual support but what you really need here is action.

God helps those who help themselves. You need to courage and strength to get thorough this mess.

How can a spouse change the locks on the doors of his/her partner? My heart aches for you.

Your pastor can be a huge help for you spiritually but you also need professional advice. You need to talk to a therapist and somehow get your confidence level back up. You need to give your H an ultimatum. "Are you IN or OUT" If he is IN, then he better start showing you some respect, compassion and true remorse. He better be asking you for forgiveness and accompanying you to weekly sessions. If he is OUT, then get a lawyer and get out of your hurtful M before you loose any more dignity.

You would be a whole lot better off without him.

AB

C:

You need to see a lawyer, honestly.

Don't leave the house! This could be used against you! Next time this happens, call the police. They will most likely put him out!

Did you read the threads on spying? Do you have proof? The OP's name?

NO ONE has the right to treat their spouse with force. We do not live in a barbaric society. You cannot and must not be thrown forcefully out of your own home. I agree with Scott1228. Call law enforcement if it happens again.

(then when he is away, break back in and change all the locks before he comes home.)

Bad idea!

AB