I'm having a hard time with my sexual reactions to all of this and wonder if others have had this happen or am I just crazy.

During our marriage 1990-2001 prior to the A, my H would complain that he wasn't getting enough SX. He always said it wasn't the quality just the quantity. Through most of our marriage the quality wasn't there for me but I thought that was just how it was and being that I've never been with anyone else didn't know any better. During the A I tried harder because he was less interested...now I know why. Now move to after the A. The first few months we had great SX and it really felt good for some of the first times for me. I'm sure I wanted to prove to him that I could be just as good or better than the OW. Now as the reality has settled for me more, I am so sickened with myself for taking him back so easily physically when he had just a week earlier been with someone else. I also feel that I can't compete but should never have had to try to compete. I feel so dirty and just don't think I will ever want to really be with him physically again. Now any time we do anything my mind is on the two of them and I just hate myself for being so easy. I feel that I must think very little of myself to had been so easy and run over. To make matters worse, several times I have initiated and he has not responded. That is really tough to deal with.

Any insight will be greatly appreciated.
DTR

I know how you feel. I had moments where I thought, "What the h3ll am I doing!" And feel horrible later. I think even the BS sometimes loses their mind and makes a bad choice.

It's more understandable in the BS case, though. It is our spouse, some one we love, and have an intense desire to be loved by.

sl77, Yes, I think I have lost my mind and many other things. Now I question all the choices I'v made and how I will ever move forward.

Many days I wonder if I really do love him anymore.
DTR

During our marriage 1990-2001 prior to the A, my H would complain that he wasn't getting enough SX

Through most of our marriage the quality wasn't there for me but I thought that was just how it was and being that I've never been with anyone else didn't know any better.

Lets just stop there...and work from that point....

and here's the disclaimer that this issue is not the CAUSE the of an affair...ALL WS own their actions of the affair...


There is a man though who for 11 verbalized to you some dissastisfaction with your sexual intimacy/relationship...

so why look at THAT
and work on fixing that?

marriage builders is all about not going back to status quo pre affair.
but the creation of a new marriage in which the vows are
celebrated
and
sacred....

Is it clear to you that men typically based on the way their brain is wired communicate their desire and wanting to be close to you via sex....

and is it clear that your husband wanting sex with you was his way of communicating his desire to be with you....

Dr Harley addresses this issue in many different approaches on this site....

the question is do you desire a close intimate relationship with your husband....

and are you willing to work at it and make changes in YOU to assist in obtaining it....

also have you both been tested for STD's?


marriages should not have 'issues' for years...a few days or a week...

but not years...

ARK

I get what you are saying but I'm not sure you understand my situation. Prior to the A my H was not interested in making my life easier or putting me at the top of his priority list. I was not as interested in having as much SX as he did because it wasn't great for me, I was exhausted from taking care of everything, I didn't feel that he loved me but just wanted SX. He may have thought that having SX showed that he loved me but helping with the kids homework or baths would have scored much higher for me.

Yes he was tested by STD and in was negative.

So if having SX is a mans way to show his love and wants to be close what should I conclude for his lack of interest now?
DTR

I get what you are saying but I'm not sure you understand my situation. Prior to the A my H was not interested in making my life easier or putting me at the top of his priority list.

we teach people how to treat us..

why did you marry someone who did not make your life easier...
that is a key issue/point of marriage...

why did you have a child with someone who did not help..let alone children with someone who was not helpful

downtheroad....

are you saying that you had a horrible marriage for years and years prior to this one incident of an affair...

OR

are you saying that both of you picked up roles in the marriage...
that you believed were the way to do things...

did your husband EVER help out in home
did you discuss these things pre-babies...

did the children take over the home
as in the priority so that you two as a couple were neglectful of eachother....

how did your marriage go from a partnership to you taking care of everything....
or was that the way it was from the first day...

often in marriage we take on roles then we punish the other one for it...

here's an example..

I know someone who complains and doesn't like the way her husband loads the dishwasher....

but then complains he never does it.....

well guess what....

that's HER fault...AND she tore up the right to complain card the minute she told him he was doing it wrong....

but she can't see that
she sees a man who doesn't do dishes...
I see a man daymmed if does
daymmed if he does not.....

how did your marriage end up not being a partnership of respect and nurturing eachother first...

these are important questions

ARK

He was not a terrible father or husband. To most people looking in they would think he was great. He had many people fooled. His priotity was himself. He will be the first to admit that he was selfish. His moto was "I do what I want".

Prior to the A I thought I had it all. Crazy!!!

Yes I allowed myself to be the one totally responsible for all the everyday things and work full time. His thought is that the A was not for SX it was for the positive feelings and things she told him about himself. Not that I was negative about him, it just sounded better coming from her.

He loades the dishwasher much better than I do!!!
DTR

so was it this

I was not as interested in having as much SX as he did because it wasn't great for me, I was exhausted from taking care of everything, I didn't feel that he loved me but just wanted SX. He may have thought that having SX showed that he loved me but helping with the kids homework or baths would have scored much higher for me.

or was it this....

He was not a terrible father or husband.


I have zero interest in what others thought about him....

so we would agree that issues leading up to the affair...

your husband felt he did not get admiration...attention....from you......

you felt overwhelmed and underassisted....

these issues are easily remedied...

if you take all bad from affair point only...

you are denying the steps that lead to you that point...

things won't get fixed...

you gotta go past the affair...

and get back to the roots of why you two got married
and how you used to treat eachother like you vowed to do and CHERISH one another...

what is the tension like in your home today
what is the atmosphere like

ARk

I chose to not tell our children so I feel most of the time I'm acting. We do not disagree in front of them and only discuss the A when they are not home or at night. I have a hard time discussing it but still want to know so that can be ugly. I've gotten better at how I handle it...less LB'ing. He would never discuss it unless I bring it up. He is only now starting to read information on it because I continue to harrass him into it.

He is much more interest in myself and the girls than he ever was. Prior to the A it was not uncommon for him to come home and be on the computer untill I had dinner ready, not eat dinner with us and then go back to the computer and bed while I helped the kids and cleaned the house. Now he helps with homework and makes most meals.

I believe that my everyday life is less taxing and I have someone else that will take on more of those responsibilities not after the A. Shouldn't they have been doing this all along just because they were a grown up and with marriage and children comes responsibilities?

Do I feel happier...no Do I feel loved...no. Maybe in time help with the house and kids will mean as much as being the only one someone loved.
DTR

I dont' think you should tell your children..

but I think you have to let go of the resentment


for every shouldnt' he have done this or done that

he has one for you ....
shouldn't she have done this
or done that

are you and do you act happy to see him
do you call him and tell him good things about him
do you smile at him

are you planning date nights..no relationship talk..small activities with no pressure of things you like to do...

are you in counseling

ARK

downtheroad, I think I know what you're saying. If only SX were simple. We wouldn't all be here if it was. It seems like it should be, but it's not. You discuss what you want, your needs, you spouse does everything in their power to do that for you, and everyone's happy. It never seems to work out that way.

It's real difficult to have a good sx life w/ someone who won't make you their first priority. It's extremely important to feel loved and protected by your spouse. And when you feel like you have to have sx to get any kind of love or attention from your spouse, that kills the mood.

Ahhhh resentment....It takes time I'm sure for that to lessen. I am not there yet. If I was I don't think my marriage ment much to me.

We are doing date night and I do try to give him positive reinforcement for his assistance in day to day living. In some ways that is such a joke to me because I was doing it all and received no positive comments. Now that he did the dirty deed and has decieded that he needs to get his priorities straight I need to give him positive reinforsement for taking out the trash. Resentment once again!!!

I do try to smile and be up. We do have some fun together without A discussions.

I know..I just need to get over it and move forward.

DTR

no downtheroad
I am not saying get over it...
never will hear me say that...

but you have to own what is yours to move through it to work out a plan that works for both of you...

why did you do it all

why did you marry a man that would not help you
why did you then have a child with someone who was not helpful
why did you have another child with someone who was not helpful...

YOU own those parts to it...

did you discuss division of labor prior to children...

THIS is how marriages get in trouble...

people take on assume roles they don't really want or don't really think is FAIR...and don't say anything about till it piles up in heaps and heaps....

of anger
resentment
etc...

on both sides...

this in NOT about getting over it..
it's figuring out how you got there....
and stopping YOUR part of that cycle..

whether it be boundaries...or something else....

why the he(( not just leave the trash till he takes it out...

why NOT!!

why take it out...then resent him for that....

or why not just take the trash and think life is greater and bigger than taking out stupid trash and it's not worth giving it any power or thought.....

and if it piles up to high..you take the children and go and say don't call me till the trash is gone...

ARK