Please I need some advice as to how to deal with the OW. Here's my story - husband has been talking to and occasionally kissing the OW for over a year. I finally found out a few months ago and kicked him out (huge mistake i now realize). So since he figured his marriage was over, OW comforted him and they finally had sex once (which I found out about a week ago). He soon realized it was a mistake and ended it with her and now we are trying to work things out.

So the OW sent my husband an email last week about how upset she was and that he was making a big mistake of choosing me. So I responded in anger and told her exactly what i thought of her. Boy it felt good to vent at her <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> But now we're in this vicious cycle of emailing each other, her flaunting that she had an affair with my husband and that we're going to have a miserable life together now. And me responding by rubbing it in that he chose me over her and she's just mad she got dumped. I've even tried stopping it and being the bigger person by trying to be nice and telilng her that she shouldn't settle for being someone's secret but should find a true relationship. And I tried stopping it by telling her the email account was being deleted at my husband's request. But she just replies that she's laughing at me and thinks I'm pathetic. Argh! Nothing else she says has bothered me but that.....

So now I feel like I can't let her get the last word. Neither one of us is willing to do that. How do I manage to walk away feeling like I still have some dignity? I realize I never should have got into it with her, but now I'm here...any advice? Thank you so much <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Plan B the OW

When you wrestle with a pig, all you get is dirty and the pig enjoys it.

This is why I never emailed xOW in the first place. I understand the draw to do so, and have had to stop myself many times. I have, with some help from WH. done some snooping and found some stuff that I've "taken care of" in a stealthy manner. It's hard, but these OW don't care. They feel entitled to what they don't deserve. In an email to my H after he hung up on her, she said she didn't expect him to hurt her, but would have expected it from me. It's sickening! I say that you let her have he last word, cause you have your H. Words may hurt, but they fade away. A recovered M is something that should last FOREVER, and she will never have that, and that's what's bugging her so much.

I am amazed at how my life has been since last Wed night. God is SO working in mine and my H's lives! We don't expect things to always be this way, but will work the rest of our lives to make it so. We are also continuing with our counseling(just had to reschedule for this week, but have one for next Wed) and we both have accountability partners to help us stay in check.

I say let the sleeping dog lay there, and you go on with your life, what's a last word worth anyway? Good Luck!

crushed

Skater,
I'm a newbie, so my advice is not seasoned, but when I found about my WH's internet EA I had a little go around with baiting OW with private messages (PM) to see if my suspicions where correct. ( Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately I didn't know the extent of their relationship at that time).

She didn't quite take the bait but enough that she wasn't quite sure what was going on and let on to knowing somethings she shouldn't have like his work cellphone #. Then the battle was on.

I wasn't ugly just "requested" for to leave my husband alone after seeing some inappropriate messages to him. After her telling me about MY husbands reactions to things, jokes, etc. you know explaining HIM to ME I was livid.

We exchanged a couple other messages...MY final was to her, you've stated your position, I've stated mine..I'm done with this.

The OW of course wants you to have doubts and feel humilated, cheated, etc. That's what THEY do when confronted. Sick isn't it?!

Does it really matter other than for your self-esteem to have the last word? I still had messages from her I just wouldn't respond. I HAD THE LAST WORD as far as I was concerned, NOTHING she said had any more impression on me. She was A problem, but THE problem was my H.

Change your email account, blacklist her if you have a email washer such as mailwasher. If she has your phone numbers, change them, get rid of anyway she has to contact you or your H. DO NOT RESPOND, she wants you to continue to feel the pain she's inflicting. Concentrate on THE problem not her.

My other advice would be if the OW has a H, friends, etc YOU can expose her to. Do it. Expose. That's my 2 cents. Just remember I'm a newbie, take the MB vets advice over mine, cause I'm still learning how to effectively deal with the situation.

Thank you so much for all the replies. Your support is so helpful! It's nice to know that me walking away and knowing she's not worth my time is the best decision. That's what I've been feeling anyways, but it's nice to hear from other people. I had avoided the emailing for a few days and felt better, so now I need to stick to it and block her email address.

And at this point, both my H and I are feeling very hopeful for our future together. We're starting counselling next week so I want to believe we can overcome this. It's so hard some days but I've heard it gets better with time.

I've read in one of Dr Phil's books that all you need is to be willing to give yourself and your relationship one more chance, no matter how hurt or unhopeful you feel. And that some days, if all you can say to yourself is "i WISH i felt better about my relationship" then that's enough. That's a place to start at least <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for your support, it means so much

skater,
avoiding/ignoring the OW will kill her.......

The OW in our situation freaked out and it took 4 years of "hang up" calls from her side until she realized that "she wouldn't get what she wanted."

Any contact whatsoever will just give OW fuel and power.....if she's in pain.....she'll only be happy when others also suffer.

Live your life together with "your" husband the best you can........that says more than any "dialog" whatsoever with OW.

bb

OMG 4 YEARS?!!!! UGH!!!! Talk about possessed! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Well, I've officially blocked her email address thanks to all your support. I'm proud of myself for stepping away from all of it. Now to focus on the REAL issues like repairing my marriage. Thanks again, I'm so glad I've joined this community.

skater:

I would suggest to her that she get a STD test because you and your husband have both suffered from (name an STD here) for years.

Give her something to think about next time she cheats.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> how about telling her to get an AID's test!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

no, just a joke............avoid/ignore her......she's NOT worth it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />
bb

Skater,
Glad you're feeling better about the situation!!!! Be proud of yourself!!!!!!