Hi everyone, ok here's my story

Last june my wife told me the marriage of 8 years was over. We have been with each other 16yrs since I was 15 and she 13. We have a 2yr old son. I asked her why and she said I love you but am not in love with you. Reasons were that I don't stand up 4 her to my family etc. Now there were a few incidents where I did but to them I stand up for her but with her I kinda take their side. It's complicated cause we live in australia and family in abroad so don't want to create to much drama if possible.

Anyway few days later I ask if there is someone else and then it all came out about a guy in work that she loves and wants to be with him. He is 11yrs older married with 5 kids and japenese with not great english. Now I was aware they were good friends sharing interests in spirituality etc but I never suspected this.

She moved to her cousins house to think about things and in the next few weeks tried to distance herself for this other guy being the main problem. I thought it was finished until I found texts in her phone a few weeks later saying basically how they feel. She has moved to her own unit now and is adamant there is nothing going on and they are just friends. His family know about the affair and his wife wants him back. Her parents know everything and have told her if she goes ahead with it they will not speak to her. But being in another country they don't want to believe it if you know what I mean.

I tried everything to get her to commit to marriage but she kept saying its not about him I don't love you and its over no matter what. She says she has feelings for him but has a wall up there and knows she can't go there. Two weeks ago I told her she could not come into our house or have the car as she left those things and if she wants to be on her own then fine. My attempt at a plan B??? We have aggreed to joint custody of our son but sometimes she threatens that I can't have him if she can't have the car, but I have never been denied seeing him.

Now I don't know what to do. I want my marriage to work but after all the lies I don't know how I can trust her. She wants no part in trying to make marriage work but wants to be friends. I have told her that I don't want to be with the person she is now in the hopes that taking away her safety net might help but it hasn't.

Is this about him or does she really not want to be married anymore. Please help! She says I am controlling her life and using everyone against her etc.

I think he is living with friends but his wife last week says she was feeling good so I don't know. Hard to speak to her as she has not much english.

Welcome. Find someone that can translate, and let his wife know that he is having an affair with your wife, and she is thinking of leaving your marriage and family for him.

Also expose the affair at their work. Expose it to friends and family.

Get in a solid Plan A, and stand up for your wife to your parents.

I'm so sorry you're here. They almost always say they don't want to be married anymore, but I'll bet she won't back that up w/ action. Controlling...I've heard that, too. Love you but not in love w/ you...Yep, heard that one,too. Hang in there!

His wife definitely knows about them but he must have told her that its over again. I have no proof that they are physical with each other but I don't understand why they would both leave their marriages for anything else. The frustrating thing is they have not moved in together and she is still denying anything other than good friends!

What plan should I be in? I did plan A for 3 months where I practically begged her to come home and exposed the affair. Although she had told most of our friends that she loved other guy and was not sure what to do. But she was sure she didn't love me. What does this mean? I only see her now when I collect our son and just say hi and bye.

She is not happy I have taken car and access to the house from her (she left me to pay) so really hates me at the moment. What should I be doing??????

You should seek full custody and report her that she is using the child as a tool to get you to give into her demands which are unreasonable.

Expose the A at her work. Does the OM want her or is he being cordial?

L.

Its been 2 months since I spoke to him but then he said he wanted her. He said this in front of his own wife. But now I am not so sure. I heard through a friend that he was feeling guilty recently so maybe it is cooled off a bit but they still message each other and work together.

She seems to be trying to distance herself from all this now telling all friends that its finished and she wants to be on her own. I emailed a PI for details and she found the email so I had to put that on hold for now.

Yesterday she said she wants to talk on friday and is prepared to be honest. What should I say? If I ask her back now am I just going back on everything I said and she will be like "oh know here we go again I told you its over"!

I think she just wants access to the car. Please advise

Don't talk relationship with her until the other guy is out of the picture. They usually end up going back with their wife. Just be sure that the wife is informed if the affair is continuing. That is the best way to end it.

Your wife will probably end up wanting to come home once the other man is out of the picture. Continue in Plan A.

Thanks believer but the problem is she doesn't want to work on marriage. She won't even admit that its about the OP. She refuses to have NC and says she needs money as she is on her own now. Its an impossible situation. I feel so desperate. Is it possible its not all about OP?

No, it's about the OP. And don't give her money to enable her. Keep ramping up the pressure with exposure and other means (cutting her off financially among others) until she agrees to NC w/ OM. It was about your problems before, but NOW it is about OM. She wasn't going to leave you before OM came into the picture.

Vladie

Everything your W is saying is entirely typical of a WS. It is almost from the same script. Your W not wanting to be with you has everything to do with the OM.

You can turn things around but you need to be prepared to do some things that seem counterintuitive to you.

If you want to save your M ( which you CAN do) You need to listen to the people here.

First, talk to the OM's wife and find out what she knows. YOU talk to her - not an intermiediary. If language is a barrier, hire an impartial translator.

Next- it is a workplace affair? Expose to the HR dept, her boss, his boss. Im sure this A is violating all kinds of HR policies and laws.

By exposing to the HR dept - it will put some serious heat on the A and serve to break it up.

Your W will be mad. She WILL threaten you with divorce, custody - all sorts of nasty things. This is pure manipulation and an attempt to control you. It happens all the time here, trust me - and is not unique to your situation. A marriage can survive threats - it CANNOT survive an ongoing affair

Well the latest is since I told her she could not have the car she has been v nasty. Today when I came from work there was a solicitors letter for me saying she wanted to split the house etc. 65 % to her and 35% to me.

What do I do now? She called later asking was I alright and she had a weird feeling. I said nothing about letter and she wants us to have a chat tomorrow about our lives. Please help what should I say? Should I back track and say I still want her? Or what???

I think it's fine to say that you still want her, but only if she agrees to the conditions you set (no contact with OM, marriage counseling, complete transparency with cell phone & email, etc.)

Take the time today to draw up the conditions- write it down. Write the plan B letter (there are many examples here of good ones). Give her the letter and the conditions on Friday, then cut her off completely (have no contact with HER- speak through an intermediary) no car, no money, no talks, until she meets your conditions.

She is probably going to try to get you to agree to cooperate with an amicable divorce/seperation. Cooperating with her will be a huge mistake because her goal is to destroy your marriage for her affair. Your best bet is to NOT cooperate so that it will make it very difficult for her to get a divorce. This will drag out the process which will buy you time while the affair crumbles. [which it will]

So, don't cooperate with any seperation schemes. Don't give her any $$ or property and just tell her that you will discuss ways to restore your marriage, but you won't discuss divorce/seperation. Stick to your guns on this.

And if she has already consulted an attorney, then you need to get yourself one and tell him you to defend you frm this. Let him know about her affair and that you don't want a divorce, you just want to drag this out until the affair dies.

Vladie,

Please read up on Plan A. Plan A is not about begging her to come home.

ok. should I offer to buy her out? She had agreed to 50/50 before. What if it was about the OP but not anymore thats what she says. Is that possible??? Anyone had a similar experience???

No!!

Quoting MelodyLane--

DON'T GIVE HER ANY MONEY!!!

She is addicted to the feelings OM gives her. Giving money to her will be like giving money to a crack addict. It only enables them. She needs to feel the consequences of her actions and hit rock bottom before she will stop. DO NOT COOPERATE IN THE DESTRUCTION OF YOUR MARRIAGE. If you do not want a divorce, FIGHT IT. I'm going to give you a word for you to use a lot in the coming weeks: "NO!"

Vladie -

Do you really think that your wife is going to leave a relationship of 16 years, and a child for a man 11 years older with 5 kids?

Take your time. Don't agree to a divorce. Stall it and do your Plan A.

If I say that and go to court I will be worse off when should I offer the money so just wait a bit. Will I get my solicitor to write to her with my demands and take it from there? I am planning to ask her to recommit again and if she refused I am giving her a plan B letter

I don't know what the laws are in your country. Talk to your solicitor. But I do know that the chances are excellent that she will want to come back if you do a good Plan A, and she has no contact with the other man.

She is babbling that it isn't about him, but that is what they all say. When she talks like that, it is just blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Try to stall for time. Ask her if she would rather keep her family together if things could change.