p.s. Also tell her what the OM said. Tell her he said he was done with her and is fully committed to his marriage. Tell her this MATTER OF FACTLY and add no commentary except, I am sure sorry he has moved on. I know you are heartbroken.

Ok that sounds like a plan. Now how do I act around her after the blow up? How do I proceed with plan A? How will I know if no contact is being maintained?

Vladie, you act just the same around her. Give her an opportunity to apologize, though. You will see her attitude start to change here if contact has really ended.

Mel, I read on a post here that Dr. Harley said that it is better when the OM ends the affair. If my WW's OM is true to his word then that is what has happened. Is it best to let her think that he ended it on his own rather than me putting pressure on him and his family?

If I tell her I interfered it will only give her a reason to think that he really wants to continue and has only agreed to no contact because of his family but he really wants to be with me???

The OM wants to be with YOU?????

Stop worrying about your wife's anger. You are the one who should be angry.

She already knows he ended it on his own and you can tell her that is what he said. You heard it from the horses mouth. Not only that, but his WIFE KNOWS about her continued attempts. just tell her that.

I know that I'm looking for an excuse not to tell her I interfered but its only because she has a real issue with me being controlling. Now I admit that in the past I was to a certain extent but nothing compared to what she would lead people to believe and also she was incapable of making desions so somebody had to!

But I think that if she just sees that OM is ignoring her and thinks HE ALONE has made that desicion without any pressure from me, then I just don't see how that can go against me?

Didn't you already say this? Vladie, you really don't have the luxury of giving into your fears right now. You are not going to break down and cry if your W accuses you of "controlling her." I promise. [not that exposing is "controlling" - that is WS fogbabble <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />]

You have a marriage to save. And you are not going to save it by making irrational decisions because you are scared of a woman.

You are on a winning streak. Are you going to start snatching defeat frm the jaws of victory because you are scared?

Ok so remind me again, how do I go from telling her all this to getting her to recommit to the marriage?

She is not going to recommit to the marriage until her affair is dead, dead, dead. Once you have effectively closed that door to the best of your ability, and she actually ends contact and goes through withdrawal, she may recommit to your marriage. But that is never going to happen unless contact ends. Exposure helps achieve that end.

and I don't mean SECRETIVE "exposure," Vladie! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

So provided the affair is dead which I think it is now, how do I help her through withdrawl and improve the chances of her recommitting? It was mostly an EA with a few kissing incidents

unh huh ...


So, really you're mostly afraid of what other people believe. When there was conflict from the outside, you regularly backed OTHER people (not your wife), and now you're worried about what OTHER people will think. Possibly, you're more loyal to the outside world than to your wife? So there are major FIDELITY issues all the way around in this marriage, aren't there.

In other words, you married an infant and controlled her life and actions because you felt she was weak, stupid, and incapable. So, in other words, she's been right all along. You HAVE been controlling.

The world is still waiting to hear, Vladie. Why would your wife want to come back to you, just because her lover doesn't want her? I mean, what do you have to offer, except that you've left her on federal relief?

Ok so I told her about speaking to OM and OMW. She just sat there didn't say much but ya she was pissed! Told her the reasons why I did it. Said that I want to save this marriage and until no contact and withdrawl there is no chance of that happening.

Told her I will do anything to stop this affair and it is my duty to do so. She said the usual stuff about the marriage was over and what if she meets someone else will I continue to do the same thing.....I told her HE isn't someone else - he is the reason for our marriage breakup.

She said 'I don't have to sit here and listen to this" and left. She then must have went straight on the computer and blocked me as her friend on her bebo page!

Please remind me how this is supposed to save my marriage???
I was better off when she didn't know that I had spoken to OM and OMW. Why did I tell her??? I feel the worst I've felt in ages

for sweetsobriquet <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Good job, Vladie! You were not better off when she didn't know, I assure you. The point of exposure is to EXPOSE, not keep secret. Exposure is like chemotherapy to cancer. [as long as it is not kept secret]

Just stick to your plan and be there for her as she goes through withdrawal. Its probably not a good idea to talk to her about withdrawal, though. She is in denial so this comes across as your attempt to educate her.

You did good! And see, you didn' DIE from her anger! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Jez I wish that ss would stay off my thread!

Ok remind me again what my plan is? She hates my guts with a passion! I sent her a text 2 hours after she left saying "I am truly sorry you feel that way but I knowthat with a will and a clear path we have every chance of building the best marriage for us and for our Son. I know I can make you happy if u would let me", to which she responded, "leave me alone".

I called her parents and told them the latest and they said they would talk to her on sunday when they call her - they are in europe, but they want the marriage saved even if they have a little difficulty beliveing their daughter is doing what she is doing! They know alright but its easier for them to pretend its not happenning.

They said they will tell her again to get over OM and her marriage can be better than ever if she would just commit.

I appreciate their efforts but I know nithing is going to work unless she WANTS it to work! So again what is my plan again??? I am done with the exposure, everyone knows.....

Spoke to OM again tonight abd yes he has deleted his bebo page and told me I have no reason to contact him again that HE IS DONE WITH WW. Problem is I don't think WW is done with him..............

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Vladie, she hates you for all the right reasons, though! Don't worry, just leave her alone and it will blow over. Her anger won't last long. Let her come to YOU. Don't let her see that you are so scared of her anger. FEAR is not attractive coming from a man, in fact it is disgusting.

So, just chill and wait for her to come to you. Don't apologize for interfering with her affair and don't try to justify it.


That is GREAT! They sound like wonderful people. The more pressure put on her, the better.

Your plan for now is to be there, not as a doormat, though, as she withdraws. Don't apologize, don't grovel, don't chase, don't lovebust, don't be fearful, just focus on being an attractive alternative as she withdraws.

You will be just fine, so RELAX!! You can rest a little for now and see which way she goes.

I am MORE optimistic TODAY about your marriage than I have EVER BEEN. The affair has been killed, the OM knows you are man enough to confront him and will not hesitate to cause him trouble and her parents are willing to apply pressure. Your wife also knows that you have the NADS to fight for your marriage. This is going NORTH.

You changed from a SERF to a KNIGHT when you confronted the OM and exposed the affair to his wife. You were afraid, but you stood up to your FEAR and did what needed to be done. You know that you have the NADS necessary to do what it takes to save your marriage. You are a MAN to be reckoned with.

So, pat yourself on the back, have a drink and go take a long nap! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So you've figured this out all by yourself because ,,, you're so much more intelectual than other? What arrogance!



And you have been privy to vladie's state of mimd because you were,, what,, a prophet? You were all seeing because everone else is clueless, in comparison to your all knowing knowledge? ?



NO SS, " the world " is not waiting to hear. JUST YOU!

Why don't you take your dime store physcolygy and take a hike with it.

Vladie does not need your interference in trying to salvage his M. Doesn't seem like that was ever your motive for posting in the first place, but, rather, to further your own agenda.

Care to post your own thread, and leave Vladie along? I'm sure some leveleheaded folks here would be happy to respond to it.

You don't sound anything like Dr H here, who is the host of this forum.

All blessings,
Jerry

Ok so I am trying to relax but its very hard. She really hates me now and when her parents call her she will be even more pissed! She has not only blocked me from her bebo page but also my sister!

I spoke to her cousins husband earlier and he said that her cousin went over to her unit last night for a few hours. No prizes for guessing what for! They probably saying what a p$#$k I am etc..........

My WW is pretty stuborn so I'm not sure that this will blow over at all. I feel that maybe she is angry with OM but is taking it all out on me? She still loves him now but maybe that will turn to anger soon? I am the enemy know as she puts it and the most 'controlling' person ever and she can't live like that.

I wish I was as optomistic as you Mel, but I just can't help feeling that I have really blown it. Any stories about others who have turned it around from here? and how?