Went out to dinner with WW and our Son. She asked me how I was getting on living on my own. I said fine just the boredom is a problem and our Son being with her and not with me etc. She said I need to find a girlfriend? I reminded her that I was still married, she said no you're seperated and I said yes physically thats all.

She got a call from her parents when back at her unit so I bathed our Son. When dressing him I had a snoop through her locker and found drawings OM had given her along with a journal and some thoughts written on paper.

This note was written about 4 weeks ago and said "I understand that you have to go back for 5 years......once its only temperary I can wait." So is she planning on waiting 5 years until OM youngest child has turned 18? Is the temporary meaning wait until all the heat dies down and then he can see WW again but will not leave his wife for 5 years?

I don't know what to think now? Does this change my plan? She is not in withdrawl now as she is just waiting for him?

Thoughts please...........

Vladie,

It's important that you stop letting your wife's fogbabble define how you feel everyday. Part of her indifference is fueled by the pressure that you unconsciously apply. You have got to practice more patience and have some faith in your ability to be more attractive than OM or single life. You won't do that by hanging on her every word. What you have to demonstrate is your ability to be happy, confident and secure whether she is in your life or not. As long as she feels that you need her....she will remain out of reach. Part of the thrill of an affair is the uncertainty and the unattainable. As the BS it's so important that you don't appear needy, clingy or desperate.

As far as this latest discovery....no...it will not change your plan. Withdrawal is chemical as well as emotional. Even if she is "waiting" for him....she will still go through withdrawal. The danger is that while he is this absent romantic figure....he doesn't make any lovebusters. In that regard....he remains a fantasy and so you really have your work cut out for you....because you must be extra careful about stopping your own LBs.

Vladie...there are no guarantees in this program. Most marriages are in real trouble by the time they get here. However....if you're going to have a chance....this is by far the best way I know to get there. Your wife is not going to wait for five years. Now I don't know what she's going to do....come back to you, rekindle with the OM or find someone new....but the five year stuff is a huge fantasy/tragic affair drama.

Stop focussing on your wife. Stop trying to "convince" her to reconcile. Focus on being a confident and loving father who is capable of being happy independently. Think back to the time when she fell in love with you....what did she like about you?

I really liked your answer to her suggestion of a "girlfriend". She'd like that because it would put her in a better "light".

Stay strong. Stay the course. Build your self esteem and attractiveness by taking excellent care of your health and your spirit. Look better every time she sees you. See your child often. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you starfish, I am glad I did not confront my WW about this latest discovery although I think she knows that I looked in her drawer. I have spoken to her cousins husband earlier and he told me that he checked the history on his computer and WW has been looking up articles about 'staying together for the sake of the kids'? Not sure what this is about and he also said that WW was speaking to her cousin about our marriage yesterday.

But then later she told me I need a girlfriend? Is this fog lifting just a tiny bit or what? She did sense I was a bit sad last night and suggested that I take our Son home with me which I did. She send a text saying she missed him and I replied saying we miss u too. No LB's for over 2 weeks now but I am having trouble with trying to attract her back while staying aloof. I have no single friends and no family here so I am really bored and she knows this.

Another friend of ours who thinks WW is in the fog and wants to speak to her but doesn't want it to come accross as 'planned', has said that she has a problem with the fact that I am so available. Any thoughts on this?

define available?

Just meaning that she is in no hurry to commit because she knows I am there for her and am not moving on

I see.

Don't be as available to her.

Go out with friends. Start working out in a gym. Be committed to your son.

bump for replies...........

Vladie - You ARE too available to her, and hanging on her every word. You need to start going out and doing things and making a good life. Then she can decide to join you.

Please read my last few posts. I want to save the marriage WW is still in love with OM and seems to be waiting for him. How do I say I don't want to sell our house and end our marriage without sounding desperate and needy? If I truly was moving on then I would end the marriage. It is a contradiction in terms. Please any advise on this?

Vladie - LET HER WAIT. She is full of babble right now. There is NO chance that she is going to wait 2 months, let alone 5 years!

Count out 2 months from their last contact, and that is when you should start noticing changes. Your wife is the typical WW. Her fantasy is still going strong, but it will die.

Agree with believer.

When she asks about selling the house just say "no" Nothing else. That's it.

Update. WW was supposed to be going back to europe in feb for 3 weeks I was looking forward to this as was hoping parents could talk to her. I am planning on going in July for sisters wedding. Just got a call from WW saying she can't go 4 weeks without seeing our Son so now wants to travel with me in july.

She says it will be the same as now we can live in each others parents houses. I am a bit annoyed as she continues to dictate everything. Thoughts please??

Oh and at the end of conversation she says "why have I not heard from your solicitor regarding the house"? I just said I didn't know and that she put it in hands of solicitors so it up to them now.

Then I sent a text saying "why do you have to be so aggressive when talking to me? I don't want to fight with you". She did not respond...........

She doesn't respect you Vladie and no woman wants to be with a man she doesn't respect. She thinks/knows that you would take her back no matter what she's done or doing and doesn't and can't respect that. YOU SHOULD IMMEDIATELY GO PLAN B AND CUT OFF ALL CONTACT WITH HER INCLUDING A PLAN B LETTER STATING THE REQUIREMENTS FOR HALTING YOUR PLAN B AND DISCUSSING RECOVERY WITH HER. Get out of the house, join a gym, go out with co workers, join a church w/ a great singles ministry (only hang out with guys though, you are married), let her see you moving on without her, detach emotionally and physically except to co parent with your child. Communication should only center on him to the extent that it is an emergency. Find an intermediary that will act as your go between for any matters not concerning your child. Then show her what life without her might look like.

Its like she doesn't want to deal with the reality of being seperated. Does she think it is normal to want to go on my holiday and ruin it for me? She is the control freak not me! She wants everything her own way. She doesn't want to deal with the consequences of her actions.

She says its all about our Son and its not in his interest to go 4 weeks without seeing her. Whats a look of [email]cr@p![/email] If she cared so much about him she would not have started her A and would not be waiting around 5 years for a man to leave his 5 kids! The only person she cares about is herself!

Thanks for listening I had to get that out. Thoughts????????

Vladie - July is 8 months away! You might be back together with another baby on the way by then. Stop stressing about things that haven't happened.

Go out and start doing things on your own.

Do you think Plan B is a good idea? I was trying to wait till she returned home in feb but as thats off now should I wait until after christmas? I just feel like I'm getting really fed up with being walked all over and I can't say anything as thats a LB

I would wait on Plan B. Give it another month and see if she's changing. In the meantime, be a little more unavailable.

Ok I will wait a little longer. It's just when she gets my solicitors letter offering reconciliation she may hit the roof and tell me that she will never consider it. If that happens not sure what to do?