I found out about my H's A not too long ago, and am having a tough time getting over it because of the extent of his deception:

My H and I have no children, so I began going for some basic fertility treatments. When they failed, the Chief doctor at the clinic scheduled me for a very intensive, invasive, and painful treatment that - if all other factors were ideal - would ensure my becoming pregnant. I was thrilled at the thought of us potentially becoming a family!

So the big day of the treatment arrived! I chattered on all morning on the way to the clinic. My H, however, barely grunted back, never expressed any joy whatsoever, and - with the exception of a number of cellphone calls to his "boss" - hardly uttered a word the entire time.

When it was time for H to produce his "sample", the nurse led us to a small room and asked "Would you like to join your husband?". Before I could respond, H angrily shouted "NO!". I was shocked and embarrassed, but the nurse just laughed nervously, explaining that many men were shy about that. I was puzzled, but was far too excited to dwell on it, after all, I was going to get pregnant today!

Half an hour later, H emerged and plopped down on a sofa across from me in the waiting area without saying a word. Within seconds, he began snoring. I nudged him, pointing out that every man there was discussing the prospect of becoming a parent with his spouse except him. He just shrugged and said "Well I'm here with you, ain't I?" as though I should be grateful that he even showed up with me at all! Again, I was too psyched-up to let his sour mood get me down.

We finally got called in for the treatment. I was beside myself with excitement! After the whole painful process was over with, I was ordered to lie still for a half-hour, and then I could dress and leave. Alone in the room with H (and possibly our first child) I was daydreaming if it would be a boy or girl, what she‘d look like, etc, when H interrupted with what I eagerly thought was a dream of his own. Instead, he muttered "Hey, I gotta go to work!". Concerned that H might lose his job (even though we were only there a total of 2hrs) I jumped up off the table after only 10 minutes and got dressed. After we parted (H put me on the city bus) I began thinking about his insensitive behavior that morning...how he showed no interest in the prospective child...how he refused to have me with him in the sperm-sample room...how he could barely stay awake...how he kept walking away to call his "boss" repeatedly...how he kept checking his phone for something. Well, I was far too excited to try to figure out his silly behavior - I was going to be a mother soon!

Fast-forward 2 weeks: Today I'm to have my pregnancy test done to see if the treatment was successful. To my grief and disbelief, it was not. When I phoned H at work to tell him this profoundly sad news, he was only mildly disappointed, expressing about the same emotion one would show when their baseball team loses. NOW I became suspicious, and vowed to get to the bottom of this.

I immediately went to our cell carriers' webpage to check H's recent call detail. There I found HUNDREDS of calls and text messages to and from a woman. The most painful part, however, was when I saw that over a dozen of those calls were made to her FROM THE INFERTILITY CLINIC on the VERY DAY of the treatment! My "loving husband" actually left my side over and over - on what should have been the most intimate moment we'd ever shared as husband and wife - to call his girlfriend! One particular call even matched the time printed on his sperm-sample vial. No wonder he didn't want me in there with him - he was on the phone with her "assisting" him in producing his sample! And instead of his concern over having a successful pregnancy - he rushed me out of there against doctors' orders so he could run and see the OW before she'd get sore at him for being there with me - on what should have been the most important and life-altering day of our lives!

It turns out that his workplace OW - who he would normally be with that time - became annoyed when she hadn't heard from him first thing in the morning, so she phoned his boss asking for him. The boss, unaware of the A and thinking she was just a concerned office friend, cheerfully mentioned that he & his wife were at an infertility center trying to have a baby that morning. Upon hearing that, she became furious! Apparently, H had been assuring her for years that he hated his wife, couldn't wait to get divorced, was glad we had no kids, etc. When she realized that he’d been lying to her all along, she became enraged and started phoning him repeatedly at the clinic, demanding that he leave me there at once and return to her! So that explained why he'd rather rush me off the table to run to her side instead of waiting a few minutes more to ensure a successful pregnancy. That explained why he kept checking his phone over and over. That explained why H was so sore at me for forcing him to be there in the first place. And of course, by demonstrating how quickly and repeatedly he’d leave his wife’s side at a time like that just to call and “console” the OW, wouldn't that convince her that he does, in fact, hate his wife? To think that he would stoop so low as to use that clinic visit and the spirit of our unborn child to prove his love for his illicit AP! He had the option of simply turning off his phone and ignoring her if his family was more important to him, but apparently we weren’t. How deeply hurtful it is that some married, drugged-up OW throwing a tantrum was more important to H than his own wife and child.

A dramatic confrontation eventually followed, where I put the OW firmly in her place, and phoned her husband. I also phoned her boss as well as H's boss. She no longer works there, but before she left, H gave her a NC call (with me listening). She slammed the phone down on him mid-call, so he followed it up with a NC letter to make certain she got the message that it was over between them.

H has since begun counseling with me. I learned that they used drugs together at the workplace all during the time I was undergoing those fertility treatments. No wonder they all failed. I’m furious that H made me go through all that hope, pain, expense and risk, while sabotaging the outcome just to please some manipulative OW. Some mornings, I want to leap from my bed and head to divorce court, other days I’m trying to work it out. H is really cooperating in every way, but I'm unsure if his cruelty has gone so far that I may never be able to forgive him.

Do you think, based on these circumstances, that a couple can ever recover from this much deception and betrayal? Please advise. Thank you.

ILM,

Sorry to bounce you around but I strongly encourage you to cut and paste this over on the General Questions board. You should get a few responses over here but GQII is the busiest board around these parts.

I responded to you on emotional needs but on GQII I'd like to see you expand upon what you mean by "H is really cooperating in every way". Perhaps make a additional follow up post to this one when you copy and paste.

Mr. Wondering

Dear, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Yours is not the worst case anybody can ever heard. You are one more of many women cheated and hurt by the person suppose to cherish and care about you.
I'm so sorry for in your case it was more pain involved because of the treatment for getting pregnant.
I wasn't physically cheated, my H had an online Affair, but for me was worse than being raped. The trusting, the disappointment, all those things you have in your heart crying out loud, so hard to deal with, I felt it.
Keep waiting for more replies from sensitive persons that will give you support and hope.
Dr. Harley has a plan for recovery that can be successful in any case for recovery if the couple follow it.
Yours is not a hopeless case, sweetie. God will give you the strength to fight for the happy marriage you deserve, even if your husband failed to you and the vows he made.
The forgiveness is possible and you are able to overcome the pain, and resentful you have now. It is possible also for your H to change and to become the kind of H he meant to be.
I wish you both the best, I pray that in the future you can get pregnant and I know for sure, the day you hold your baby and you see your H looking at you and your kid, you will not remember any of the past that almost ruin your marriage.
May the Lord Bless you, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Not by a chance. There are many BSs on this board who have been ruined financially by a drawn out divorce and lost out on primary custody of their children while their WS continues their affair with the OP as a "new happy family."

Not the worst but definately rates high on the bad side.

I understand your insecurities with the cruelty your H inflicted on you and your M. From what I understand when they are in "the fog" that's not unusual. My WH was never cruel to me in anyway UNTIL. And it is hard to come to grips with.

I'm glad your H is willing to go to counseling and is cooperating. Anticipate a backslide (not so cooperative, etc). If you prepare yourself for it it's not as hard to deal with. It is a rollercoaster ride.

Does your H want a child as much as your heart desires?

I am sorry, but that story is one of the worst I have ever heard. I would not work on the marriage, I would remember that you are so much better than him. You deserve better and can aquire better. Why would you ever trust someone after what I would call ULTIMATE betrayal. I am like you and are unable to have children, maybe that is why I feel so strongly about what a horrible man you are married to.

Sally,

how are things going recently?

Nope, that's not the worst by any stretch.



I think I have the bell ringer so far.