Guess I've been having a few rough days lately. Been D'd now for a few months, but it's not getting easier.

I truly HATE my ExH for all the pain and destruction he caused in my life. If he didn't want the M, he should have D'd me, not had an A. He's turned me and my kid's lives upside down, yet I've never seen any remorse. Doubt if I ever will.

He's ruined my life financially, emotionally. Now DD is living with him and OW and he's poisoned her against me too. Haven't spoken to her in weeks. When I did, she was very aloof. I have DS living here still, thank goodness! But he's having a hard time too.

I'm in IC, on AD's, but I think I will forever hate ExH for everything he has done. I know forgiveness is the key, I just really can't see that ever happening. I only wish bad for him and OW and hope what goes around comes around is really true.

I feel for you. In my case, I had a very abusive XH, physically and a womanizer. He did terrible things to me too. I finallly stopped hating him when all the love I felt for him was gone. Peace will come to you, and your life will be good again. My X-H went on to get divorced 5 times after we were finished. He's much older now and the one he has now tolerates his bullcrap, so he's had her a few yrs. They do get what they deserve, eventually

And the BEST part was when he got old, he got fat AND bald
Very upsetting for the ladies man he thought he was.

I teeter between hatred and contempt sometimes.

It's getting where I feel nothing for her more often now.

I still wish for her future failures to be spectacular, though.

Cat

You are still in a world of hurt. I think you have to go easy on yourself right now.

I suspect the hate and anger will slowly turn into indifference, but it'll take some time.

Unfortunately you can't just cut him out of your life completely cause of the kids, so I would reduce any communication to the minimum.

I'd recommend totally concentrating on YOU. YOU YOU.YOU. Become the best you can be, physically and emotionally. Start small and do just one thing. Something that you've always wanted to do, but never did. Come out of your comfort zone and experience new things. Get social.

I think you'll need to start a little mind control too. When you start to think of XH...STOP. Right there and then, tell yourself to stop cause you don't want to go there. And you know if you don't stop, all those bad emotions surface. Now I'm not saying that there isn't a time and place to deal with them, IC is a great place to do it. I'm just saying that you cannot let these painful "whys, what ifs, how could yous go on and drown you 24/7.

This is your life now. Take control of it and decide that you will not allow XH or a skanky OW to ruin your life forever. Don't give them that power.

Hating someone takes alot of energy. Don't give that to them. Keep it for yourself and let them go.

(((((catgirl)))))))

What Michele said.

It will come.

Don't beat yourself up for not feeling like forgiving. Don't beat yourself up for anything. Pamper yourself. Take care of yourself. Make them as irrelevant as possible.

(((catgirl)))

Catgirl-

I know what you mean. You are furious....
But, like my wise MIL told me, "don't waste your time hating him, it is like drinking poison and hoping the other person would die". She also told me that I should not hate him for the simple fact that HE was going about life perfectly fine, not realizing HOW or IF he affected anyone adversely. She told me that it would damage me more in the end, to be bitter and hateful.

And you know what? She was right.

I tried to focus on ME, my KIDS, ANYTHING that was important to ME as a person. Things that had nothing to do with him.

Honestly, the best thing that you can do is to move forward with your life. Don't get bogged down by hate and hurt, and what ifs. Have a goal for yourself, where you want to be in a year, and aim for it.

((((((((catgirl)))))))))))

It will get better with time. I wish you well.

I think you are going through the normal grieving. My husband ruined me financially, broke up our family, and destroyed my trust and dreams. I really HATED him at first. Now I'm just indifferent. I don't spend any time thinking about him.

By the way, he and OW broke up. I never believed it would happen. They claimed to be so in love. He could hardly wait to unload me. She abandoned her 12 year old daughter. Seems that the way their "love" started was what did them in.

Hang in there. I promise you will be happy again.

Thanks all,

I know I have to stop thinking about the "what ifs" and start living in the moment.

My IC tells me the same thing. I am giving ExH too much power over me. To start concentrating on "my" life. Easier said than done.

I guess I am jealous of him and OW. Yeah I know I shouldn't be jealous of 2 adulterers, but he has someone to go home to everynight, someone to hold, sleep with. I don't. Plus he now took my DD away from me!

He seems to have gotten everything he wanted, and I got nothing I wanted.

I know I sound like a spoiled brat, but it's just how I feel right now.

I'm sure eventually I will be O.K., it just doesn't seem like I ever will though.

I thought once the D was over it would be a bit easier. It's not.

I am in Plan B for me, but even that doesn't seem to be helping me.

Hi Catgirl

Sorry you are feeling the way you are, but as Believer says, this is the normal grieving process, and everyone is different on how long it takes to move through the various steps. Plan B is the best thing for you, and concentrate on YOU YOU YOU, and your life and start planning what you want and set about getting it. Thinking about your XWH and OW is only going to drag you back into the soap opera chaos that an affair creates, and prevent you from looking and moving forward with your life.

I was like you too, but have moved on with my life, and it has been the last 9 months that I have felt really in charge of my life. My XWBF has now broken up with OW and I really am not interested in him. Communication with him is limit and only about our DD, this was really helpful for me. Before I would have been keen to talk to him about anything, but you need to set boundaries and stick to them.

I wish you the best and also, don't be so hard on yourself there are going to be days when you feel down, but that is natural. Pretty soon the good days will out number the bad days.

Take care of yourself

I completely empathize with you. It is very hard to let go of the horrible betrayal, the financial difficulty, the loss of possessions and worst of all, the loss of time with the kids.

Those are all the things that I must find a way to set aside or let go of in order to get my kids more often. I'm in counseling too. It's tough because you want the other person to show some remorse or some level of guilt and at least apologize. It's never going to happen.

The hurt can't show and I have to suppress it. It's terrible and it does eat you up inside. She walks around oblivious and actually had the guts to say, "I thought we'd end up back together after some time apart but HE did things to ruin that possibility."

That comment is such a slap in the face. She cheated on me, ripped my kids out of my life, kept all our good possessions, saddled me with debt, sold our brand new mini van and stuck me with the payments instead of paying off our loan, moved another guy in with her, falsely accused me of inappropriate conduct with my daughter, didn't pay our nanny for 7 months of work and stuck me with that, and takes over half my pay each month. And I'M the one that has done things?

They don't see it. They don't understand. They don't care. The only way they possibly ever could is if they experience it themselves and are one day on the receiving end of infidelity.

I truly don't wish it on her due to the drama it would bring to the kid's lives. Otherwise....

CG

It goes away when you unconditionally forgive and release its power over you. Forgivness isn't about them, it is about you, it is about removing a cancer that will eat you up inside.

I took an anger managment class recently I lerned Anger is not a primary emotion, it is secondary, it only happens when we have been let down, mis-treated, disappointed or hurt in some way. As with hate look for it root cause. identify it, acknowledge it, feel it, then forgive it and dispose of it. The anger dons;t hurt anyone but yourself, so do yourself a favior and release yourself from it's grip.

Jim

Whose position would you rather be in? His or yours?

It's been discussed from time to time. I think everyone I've seen has concluded that, while being the BS sucks, we would much rather be the BS than the WS. WS's have misery in their future. Or, if it turns out that they are the kind of people who can be happy having done what they have done, that's not something we aspire to either.

They did not win. No one won from this, but you are coming out better than they are. You have your integrity. How much is that worth to you?

It will get better.

As silly as this sounds, sometimes I wonder if integrity "is" worth it.

ExH has a VERY good job, is respected at work etc., yet look what he did. Had an A with someone 17 years younger. Didn't affect/harm his reputation. He now parades her around to company functions, his family has welcomed her

It seems like it's no big deal and people have no problem with him cheating on his wife and kids for some ho. As I said his peers still accept him etc.

Well, clearly some people can not only live with themselves, but live well with themselves after doing what they've done. I would not want to be one of those people.

You have every right to be angry and hate. Let yourself feel it, but then try to put it away. Don't let it dominate your day. And recognize that it takes energy to hate, and wouldn't you rather spend that precious energy on yourself?

I am outside my element here, and this may be a completely stupid idea, but if you have fantasies about how you would like to have the karma bus visit your ExH, maybe writing them down would be helpful. Write a story about a departmental reorganization and him winding up reporting to a BS who knows what he has *really* done. It might help you process some of the anger and get it out of your system.

Like I said, though, you have every reason to be angry.

Hi Cat,

I think I am about a month ahead of you in the divorced category (June 13). Just like you I thought I would be married to my XWW forever. I still have those surreal moments now and then when I think, “Did this really happen?” But everything changes in time. So too will your anger.

Even if I am the only person on the planet to know it, my integrity profoundly matters. So does yours.

Will the Karma Bus come for our X’s someday and show them clearly what they chose to viciously destroy? Will they ever feel remorse? I like to think so, but in truth it may never happen. But I have no control over this and I can’t allow that anger and sense of unpaid justice to rule my life.

We are divorced but we will carry on, we will grow and eventually thrive again. Your 2 months and my 3-1/2 months on the divorced roster still make us pretty fresh and raw. We need to grieve our marriages in due time, process the sadness, anger and disappointment and then let these things go.

I was told “The best revenge is to live well.” I intend to. You will too.

Take care Cat.

I think the hate subsides when make a conscious choice to be done with it. Sounds easier said than done...however, hate is a choice just as love is. When you decide that you are done giving your energy to a situation that you can't change and start focusing your energy on yourself, you will find it to be a lot easier. Everytime you feel those feelings of anger and hate it helps to deliberately stop and refocus your energy on doing something positive and loving for yourself....When those hateful thoughts creep up, do something nice to pamper yourself. Paint your nails, give yourself a facial, browse the mall, treat yourself! do something to pamper yourself. Treat yourself with kindness and love and turn your attention away from the Wayward.
The best revenge is living a great life!

CG

I have been hanging out on MB for a few months and never wrote just read. I have to tell you this. The reason as you said " forgive is the Key " is that for giveness is more for you than it is for him. You need to forgive him for you not for him. I had a friend tell me this, I hated my XW for what she did to me.
" you have to forgive her . But you dont have to like her or be her friend. You dont have friends that cheat on their spouses." That helped me alot. Hate will hurt you more than them. I hope this helps.

God bless

audioflyer

I know I have to let it go because it is eating me up. ExH is not worth all the effort I put into thinking about him, I know. I doubt he is doing any thinking about me. I just hate the way my life is.

He's turned DD against me, now that she is living with him and OW. Haven't heard from DD in weeks, and today, I got a picture in the mail of her, ExH and OW like one big happy family. She "just wanted to send me the picture to show me her new outfit". Yeah right. Just put the knife in my heart a little deeper. It seems like ExH and OW have DD so brainwashed.

ExH left me, now DD does. What next!?

Don't reply to her e-mail. She needs to know you don't approve of her association. She is looking to you to validate her current sitch. She will be angry at you no matter what you do. See she is now living in the fog.

Do what is best for you and stick to plan B.

Hugz,
L.

Catgirl, I've read through a lot of your old posts today. My post is going to be a bit different from some of the others, so if you're in a fragile state, perhaps you should hold off on reading it. Please understand that I mean well, and would like to see you recover.

First, I'm sorry that you're still in such pain, after all this time. It must have been very hard for your daughter to see you in pain also. As a child of divorce, I know this. (My father was the one in pain over my parents' divorce; I went to live with him, and I saw how it affected him on a daily basis)

With regard to Plan B, your daughter is not your spouse. As much as you feel that she has been disloyal to you by going to live with her father, you must recognize that she needs and wants a relationship with both of her parents. This isn't about a choice of your H over you, even though it feels that way. A child should not have to demonstrate loyalty to one parent over another.

Really, where your daughter lives is immaterial at this point. You are her mother, and she needs a relationship with you, wherever she is. Her relationship with your ex's GF/OW does not invalidate her relationship with you. You raised your daughter from a baby; the OW did not. Your relationship will continue to grow and evolve if you nurture it. You do not know what the future will bring. IMO, Plan B'ing her would be a grave mistake. You are the adult, she is the child. To Plan B your own child seems, to me, to be petty and vindictive since you are not a victim of your daughter's infidelity.

I think that you recognize this or you wouldn't have posted initially.

My advice to you would be to respond to her email in an upbeat fashion. Tell her some of the good things that have been going on in your life, and in your son's life. Tell her that you miss her, but don't overdo it.

You wrote this earlier:


Is this still occurring?

I ask because if it is, your unhappiness is certainly spilling into your son's life and making it more difficult. I know that this may hurt, and may feel critical, so I am sorry. But living with a parent who is crying, taking drugs and drinking is not good for any child. There is no situation that alcohol can't make worse. You can't change what your H has done; you can change only your actions. You can choose to stop obsessing over what has happened and focus on the future; it will be difficult, but you can do it.

I read a very good book this summer - Miracle in the Andes by Nando Parrado. He was a survivor of a plane crash that took the lives of some of his best friends and his mother and his sister. The horror he endured was simply unimaginable. He wrote something that really resonated with me; I don't have the book on hand, so I will paraphrase.

Parrado said that after he returned to civilization he had a long period of being angry about everything that had happened to him. Why him? Then, after some time, there came a point at which he realized he needed to stop thinking about what should have been, and that he had been cheated out of a wonderful life by the crash. He had to forcibly discard the notion that a perfect life had been waiting for him if only events and negligent people had not conspired to take it away from him.

Instead he began to focus on what he had: the love of his father, the guidance of a coach that had helped him survive and make a long trek through the Andes toward help, his interest in motor cars.

Today he is an extremely successful man with a family.

How do you get rid of the hatred? The same way he did. Focus on something other than your H and the life you were cheated out of. It's gone. Focus on what you have: the love of your son, your health, your skills. Do enjoyable things with your son that distract you from thoughts of your ex and his life.

Take care.

PK