I dont even know where to begin so I apologize in advance if this post may seem disjointed. I am not married, however my b/f and I have been together for 2 1/2 years and living together for a little over 2. We bought a place in December and we were excited to start our lives.

He's a drinker and a smoker...I like to have the weekend cocktails and sometimes I'll steal a smoke but it's his mariujana addiction and I am convinced now more than ever that he's an alcoholic. I've been given the same story 'I will stop, I do want to stop'. Empty rhetoric.

I have suffered with depression and have had trust issues with men in the past. Unfortunately, I paint all men with the same brush. I've also had abusive r'ships too - I hit, he hit. I had to leave cos I hated who I was becoming.

Anyway my b/f and I have been bickering more than ever. Sometimes my mind will wander about something he 'could'do (like cheat) and I become infuriated = the thing is, is when I feel like confronting him I lose steam and become depressed for being so foolish. Other times I have been incredibly angry when he's been wonderful. I took take responsibility for that. What I want is to just relax and love myself andmy b/f - cos I know once I do that, I'll reap the rewards!

For the last few months we have had our own demons to deal with. His mother passed in June, never had any time to really grieve, I've been suffering with PMDD and anxiety. I think we are co-dependent too. Last night we had an alcohol fueled fight the likes which Ihaven't seen since my ex b/f days. He was making fun of a friend of mine with another guy and I didn't want to hear it. We both had a few and I'm sure we embarrassed ourselves in front of our friends. I did, I swear as I'm writing this, confront him but I did not yell..I just told him there are times and places for saying things and he was out of line. Anyway, he went off on me. Just being downright insulting, saying I keep him from his friends, etc. By this time he had just brought home 2 40oz of Becks (he drinks these daily even if he's been out for a few). At that point, I lost it - I knew it was the booze and I wanted to punish him for it. I grabbed both bottles and dumped them. He went nuts........started packing my bag for me.

Fast forward to this morning and I feel terrible. I don't want us to break up. I'm not making excuses but I had a feeling a blowup was waiting in the wings. We have had mutual friends slander us to our other friends, work is not going well for the 2 of us and we just fought. He didn't want to talk about last night and got very defensive - I did blame the both of us for letting it get out of control but he got more angry at the fact that I took away his beer - I took away something that was his and that means I want to control him. That was the first thing he thought of.

This morning he asked me if I still wanted to go out for dinner with his friends this eve and he's treating it like another fight - but I feel gutted. He says he doesn't want me to leave and he loves me but he's deflated. There are a lot of unresolved things (I feel) but from his side, he thinks I'm beating a dead horse. We want to be together, we want this to work but what can we do?

We tried therapy but he stopped and is so against cos we're not married. "How bad is it for us when we need counseling and we're not married". That shows the value he places on the whole thing.

Next week he's off to the UK (he's originally from there) to sort his mom's things and see family. I know it'll be good for the 2 of us but I'm feeling like he's going to leave me. His friends have many of the same bad habits as he - they won't lead him to be unfaithful - he'll just drink himself silly.

He and I do our best to be affectionate with each other and it helps but I want more - like a real attempt from him to get healthy and not just let it be lip service. I'm doing my part by getting my medication. I'm not perfect but I'm trying and I want this r'ship to thrive. We've just been down this bickering road before to the point of blowup and then it settles. Just feels different this time.

Again, thanks for reading

Kiki, welcome to MB...

I hear you saying you feel like life is repeating itself again...and you're now at a crossroads of change...as you were when you left XBF because you decided you didn't like who YOU were becoming...

What did you radically change within yourself...come to realize, learn, after leaving XBF? You're half the dance...and when you feel like life is repeating on you, get the lesson...God brings it to us again and again, out of love.

Can feel AWFUL.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You aren't alone. I strong urge you to consider Al-Anon. You might say it's for codependents...control freaks...you can find a label for it if you want...just go and know. Learn and grow.

You are powerful...even when you're giving it away to others...in reality, that power (responsibility) remains yours. Equally, when you take responsibility (power) away from others, you really don't. You can sure experience life in this tug of war, though.

Next, check your own beliefs. They most likely are what's ripping up your half of relationships. You weren't starting your lives together buying a house. That's fantasy. That's playing house. Why? Because you can commit to owing a company a whole lot of money and not commit to each other...eye to eye, in front of people you know, love and respect. If you can't do the vow, don't do the buy-in. It's a lousy substitute for commitment.

Don't settle.

It's okay to believe in marriage. You're worthy. You're valuable. You're whole and complete. Get to know all about yourself, what you give yourself permission to do and not do, and learn how to revoke some of those permissions and invoke others. Learn about personal boundaries.

Get the in-real-life support you need. Ask and you shall receive. Read all of Harley's books on relationships...and add Harville Hendrix's "Getting the love you want" into that batch. Make it your goal to understand all about human relationships, love and marriage. The facts, not the assumptions...no shoulds in there, 'k?

I see this as you wrestling in you...your own stuff...which is what most of come to realize when we come here. That's great news...because you cannot change anyone else...uh, ever.

Welcome.

LA

LovingAnway-
Your post made me cry - i'm so incredibly wound up. I wrote BF a letter and left it on the table. I don't want to bother him at work or talk to him cos I know it will be met with rolling eyes or a stare into space. I asked him to start communicating with me more - just tell me what's up, tell me what his expectations are, what's troubling and what pleases him. I'm ALWAYS talking and I feel like I'm in a dead end.

It's almost 5 and I still haven't received any communication as to whether I'm still invited out to dinner. I did say earlier that perhaps I should stay home but BF was going to check in anyway. I don't know any of his feelings until it's too late and when he does speak to me, after my urging, it's always angry and short tempered.

We both say we walk on eggshells with each other cos we don't know what will trigger a reaction. Sometimes I think I pick fights just to open up SOME communication - some feedback.

I'm crying as if I've already lost him. I wonder if anything out there is worth fighting for cos I would fight for him - if he'd want to fight too. Just very lonely right now. Like my needs are being met and that I would do just anything to smooth any ruffled feathers.

Kiki,

You mention a lot about what he thinks...and I asked you what YOU think.

In your reply post, sounds to me like you explain away your feelings instead of trace them...you cried when you read my post. Identify what you were feeling and trace it...yes, stress affects the LEVELS we feel, the intensity...an added ingredient...stress does not determine WHAT you feel...get your own signals, 'k?

Also sounds like you believe we lose people in life...rather than them choosing not to be with us. Us choosing to no longer be with them.

And you believe you can smooth ruffled feathers...fix others' feelings...instead of respecting they have their own feelings. To "fix" their feelings tells them theys shouldn't feel what they do...which also tells yourself you shouldn't feel what you do.

Lots of blocked self-discovery and information in that, isn't there?

Do you want to continue dancing the same steps, to the same song, with different partners? Learn your own reactions, permissions to react instead of act, and change your life.

When you do, then magically everyone changes around you. And it isn't you doing it. Real freedom and love lives in real responsibility and awareness, healthy boundaries and living from respect...which includes of yourself.

A reactive life feels like pinball; has confusion, a lot of pain from bouncing all over the place...and no winners, in my opinion. An active life has ownership, amends, intimacy and a lot of joy. There's bouncing--doesn't hurt.

Remains your choice...not of partner...to get what your life is about and the life experience you want.

I understand about causing conflict to connect...there IS connection in conflict. Think, though, how manipulative that is...and what we manipulate from others does not satisfy us...does it?

When you want to switch your premise from manipulating to get love and feel loved...to act from love, with ownership, then feel loving feelings overflowing from you...let me know.

You are not alone. You can sure experience life as if you are.

You're not bad, wrong, broken or defective.

You can choose not to walk on eggshells. To not hurt back when hurt. To not earn love or punishment. These are choices of what we believe...reading Harley's marvelous works teaches you the differences. Your choices. Love Busters, especially for me, changed my life.

When I finally figured out how I repeated and repeated (maybe that's why I still repeat in so many posts?!?)...realized I could eliminate my LBs, see and know my ENs, listen and really hear what my DH was saying; I broke my patterns...had to see them first...do a lot of tracing and contemplating...and you know what? I had no thought-time for that for all the self-bashing I was doing...the constant judgments in my head...so I had to stop those to make room for the tracing, knowing, discoverying and sharing.

Takes study...reading a lot of books by others who loved enough to share their experience (what you're doing now) and had faith that if they put it out there, that was their part...and they let the outcome go.

Thank God for the Harleys and so many others who do/did this...changed my life...why not get busy studying, learning...get to knowing before choosing what to do or not to do?

I wonder if you'd have tears of joy and love for yourself...from understanding...instead of abandonment?

I sure did. I still do, at times, in my current life of abundance.

Respect others...what they won't share of their stuff is there...don't urge...no digging. Respect he's choosing not to...know this...and that when he does, it's after you could have done something differently. He does that on purpose. Not in your control. Why not stop trying to make his reactions different and know he owns his choice of actions, reactions, thoughts, feelings, beliefs and perception?

You own yours.

Focus on your boundaries, your understanding of relationships...humans...our design...purpose...

He is not your mirror. You are your own mirror. He is a whole, separate, complete human being. So are you. Why expect him to take better care of you than you do yourself?

LA

Kiki,

First off let me say I'm sorry that you find yourself in such turmoil.


The second thing I wanted to let you know is that while this place may be a great place to get some feedback on your situation it must be noted that most posters will try to help you using the techniques of this site (I'm not sure you took time to read the principles before posting).

Unfortunately one of the most important prerequisites to these principles working is that there be no addictions or abuse in the relationship (R). So in your case I wouldn't even begin to recommend you try to work on your R until your BF is in some sort of recovery program.

The third thing I can offer you is a much better site FOR YOU. It is called www.soberrecovery.com and they have a wonderful forum there filled with wonderful people who are and have gone through your experience. They won't help you improve your R but they will help you deal with your BF's addiction.

You can't have a R with someone who is addicted and not in recovery. The main reason being his first priority is and always will be his addiction (pot or alcohol). So while you may be working to improve yourself and the R he'll be doing the same until it requires him to make you and the R a priority of his smoking and drinking.

The fourth thing I'd like to advise to you is that you RUN. Run as far away from this guy as you can. You aren't married and have only been together for a short time. I'd cut my losses and start anew. Otherwise you are subjecting yourself to more abuse staying in what will surely become a living nightmare for you.

3 valid points for any person living/loving an addict:
You didn't cause his addiction.
You can't control his addiction.
You can't cure his addiction.

His addiction is progressive. In other words he will keep going, keep getting worse until he's either dead or the pain of the addiction becomes more than the payoff he gets from it. He needs to hit bottom before he'll quit and part of that bottom will probably mean he needs to lose you.

Sorry to sound so blunt but I am only explaining everything I've heard from the experts on alcoholism and the wise posters on this site and soberrecovery.

Don't take my word for it. If you want to make a difference for yourself please post on the soberrecovery forum.

Good luck.