I posted this on the "Just found out" board but heard it's busier over on this area so I thought I would try it here.

I'm new, here's my story. Found out a few months ago husband was talking to and occasionally kissing OW for over a year. I kicked him out, he went to her since he thought his marriage was over and they had sex once (I found this out a week ago). He's since realized his mistake, dumped her and we're trying to work it out. At least, that's his story which I believed but now I'm not so sure...

I started looking over my husband's cell phone bills very carefully today. I found that most of the time he called OW was after work at about 3 am (he works nights). But he usually never got home until 4 or 5 am, would always say that he got stuck working late or that he & his coworkers were hanging out afterwards (which does happen at his job). But now that I've seen this, I'm wondering why he would be calling OW at that time of night besides a booty call? Especially when he never showed up home until a few hours later. I don't know what to do now. I'll confront him tonight.

I guess my question is to the people that have experienced it...how can you still stay with someone if they've been having such a long affair, or sleeping together repeatedly? I feel like I can't even stay with him if I find out he had sex more than once. To me, sex once could possibly be seen as a mistake, especially the way his behaviour has suddenly changed - he truly seems to want us to work. I feel like I can't take any more lies or surprises or hurt right now. He's never really confessed anything about the affair, it's just slowly been coming out as I find more proof and catch him in lies, so it wouldn't surprise me that I still don't know the truth.

If he's been having sex with her for over a year, I don't think I can do it. How can you get past such hurt? How do you feel like staying together? I suppose everyone has their breaking point and can only accept so much, and maybe this will be mine. I guess I just feel so hurt already, I'm finding it hard to see any hope if he's still lying to me about their relationship...

Skater,

Don't believe this only happened once. It's the same as me being told that myspace was merely a means to make friends and that I was the one that was crazy for thinking the open flirting on it was anything mroe than that. You WANT to believe them, but the truth lurks behind your emotions and you KNOW it's not as they claim.

He had sex with this woman. He did it several times. Anyone with any kind of detachment from your sitch can see this.

Once or 100 times, the hurt is the same.

You're at a road many of us never reach, which is a remorseful WS willing to work on saving their marriage.

Others can weigh in on what you should do. Things are broken in your marriage and they need to be fixed. Your statement that "one time" is somehow better than 100 is flat out wrong. You took a vow to "forsake all others".

Even a one time "slip up" is indicative of a major problem and is not something to be easily forgiven or dismissed.

You still need to take all the steps necessary to recover your marriage, if that is the path you wish to follow.

Skater,


First, welcome to MB. I am going to give you some advice that I just couldn't follow on d-day. If you want to know the whole truth, then you have to provide the assurance to your WH that he is safe in telling you the whole truth.

If you make a statement like the one you made above, and he does want to recover your marriage, he isn't likely to tell you the complete truth.

If you want to know the results of that senario, read the Refusing to take a Polygraph thread and the terrible experience of RLT.

I don't know how much reading you have done of this site, but read everything you can about the dynamics of affairs and order copies of Surviving and Affair, His Needs, Her Needs, and Love Busters.

If OW is married, her BH must be informed of the affair.

BTW, my gut tells me that this has been a PA for awhile. Over time you will come to realize that it isn't about how many times your WH slept with OW the hurt is pretty much the same.

Also, are you 100% sure that the A has ended? Has a NC letter been sent?

Who