I'm a fwh, n/c has been strong for about a year, Oct. 06. 7mnth EA/PA. Been doing pretty good, marriage is better today than it probably ever was. Still have thoughts about OW, but am pretty open about it with W and tell her how things are going when she asks. Here's the problem, in the last week, I've had 2 dreams about OW, I'm not talking about the silly ones you can dismiss right away, I'm talking about those dreams that are so real you swear when you wake that it actually happened. I swear it feels like I broke contact. I'm going through much of the same things I went through during withdrawal, the constant thoughts of OW, wanting to call OW again, etc... It's like it just ended last week all over again, and I feel like I'm right back in that same ol' boat again. Anyone else ever run into this? Any ideas how to handle it? Put it behind? Anything? I'm not going to call or visit, but that doesn't make the "want to" any less. I swear sometimes it feels like one step forward, two steps back. Any ideas or thoughts would be appreciated.
Thanks

Welcome. Glad you came here. I have heard about many people dreaming about the OW or OM. Be sure to let your wife know. Anything else going on in the marriage or your life?

Do you think that perhaps a stronger bond with your W might minimize your thoughts of the OW? Perhaps buy your W something sexy or spend some quality time with her. Perhaps try something different when you are intimate. You might rediscover her and she might love the additional attention she is receiving.

AB

In a sense you HAVE had an NC breach but as it's involuntary we can't really hold you accountable.

The bigger issue is disciplining your thoughts.

OK..you dreamed. So now..now what happens? When you remember that you dreamed do you fixate on those memories..run them over and over in your mind? Relive the dreams? Fantasize?


Start remembering all the things you liked about OW or about your affair?

If you do not indulge in these thoughts they will diminish as all unfed things do.

The way to do that is to replace them.

Become that much MORE invested elsewhere. Be even MORE transparent. Do not allow any secrets to take hold of a corner of your mind.

Ask for MORE EN meeting. Make a huge effort to meet more ENs.

Your dreams are a product of your mind and if your mind is fixing on OW you can expect to have long painfull withdrawls rather than detachment. Contact is contact. If you are thinking about her it will set you back. if you look at her picture it will set you back. If you hear about her from mutual friends it will set you back. The less space she occupies in your mind as well as your physical life the easier it will be for you to let GO of the things you sort of WANT to keep from your affair.