I was posting in Divorced but there really isn't any traffic there, so I'm moving over here.

My M is over because of H infidelity. We've tried to make it work, MC, etc. but it occurred to me that I'm totally unhappy with our sitch. and my H can never do enough to make up for what he did. With that said, I think it's in my best interest to get a divorce. We've discussed it and he understands so things should work out amicably. We're living in the same house but in separate rooms for economic reasons, here's my question/dilemma - I had dinner with two friends last night (yes, females, nothing inappropriate) however, I didn't tell my H about it because at this point I don't think it's necessary. He got a little annoyed and told me that I should have given him a heads up. I told him that I needed to move out - I'll continue making the household payments as I do now but I think it's best for me to move out. He practically begged me to stay. He knows that I want a D, what's going on? Any insight on this type of behaviour? I'm baffled.

I guess it doesn't make any difference what is going on if you are getting a divorce. When will you be leaving?

Well, I do think it makes a difference. This has been a very difficult and long journey for me and I can't take much more of emotional situations. It's very depressing and causes me to spiral down. I'm hoping that someone may have some advise as to why he's behaving this way and if this is going to cause me more grief than I already have.

IMHO, the sooner I can leave, the better.

your H doesn't want a divorce...or he is just afraid of change.
Either way..if your mind is made up...which no one will blame you for...I wish you luck. It is time to stop worrying about your H's motivations and get on with the divorce...if that is what you want.

Why would it make any difference understanding his behavior if you have decided to get a divorce? If its depressing, then move out.

Okay, I'll move out. Thank you for your input.

You have talked and decided to divorce. You are living under the same roof because of financial reasons. I just don't get how he thinks he has a right to get upset because you didn't tell him you were going out with your friends. IMO it is none of his buisness and you should tell him so.

Not,

He obviously doesn't really want a divorce and is still holding on. Since you are 100% sure that you do, tell him to MHOB. That said, I would move out. Then you get to avoid the drama.

Who

Su, thank you. That's how I felt and when I expressed this to him, he became unbelievably depressed. Yes, I have decided to divorce my H - there has been too much damage from his A and I simply cannot move forward with him. I'm not angry with him anymore, I just don't think I can live with him as I don't have an ounce of respect or trust for him. It's not healthy to stay married - not for just me but him either.

I just can't stand much more guilt, which I shouldn't feel given the reasons why me & my H are where we are, but I do feel guilty. I feel as though it's me that's breaking up the M and he makes me feel this way, not that he says it, but his actions are most definately telling the story.

You're going to move out and continue paying his household bills?

Wow.

If you're done, you're done, no one can fault you for that. I just can't imagine that it'll take you long to get sick of having to pay his bills. You probably want to dump the house and get a financial settlement in place asap. You may need to touch base with a lawyer on whether it's smart of you to completely move out before there is a settlement worked out.

Sounds kind of dumb, huh? It's a long story, but the short of it is that it's my house - not his. However, it's huge and out in the boonies. I'm pretty much secluded and I want to get closer to my daughter. I thought this may be the way for him to agree to make the payments which is more than I can afford and to keep the house in good order until it sells. To me the D isn't about the money, per se, (this may sound contridictory, but I'm asking for a 65/35 split and that's because the house was bought with money that I had pre-marital). I don't want to take him to the cleaners. I just want a clean, civil break from him and this M. I do have a lawyer working on this and we're suppose to meet up sometime today regarding all these legalities.

Hmm be careful, Not...

You sound somewhat like I did when I was ready to give up.. and in hindsight I may have given up too soon. I thought I was ready to divorce but when push came to shove, I did it, but I wasn't ready for it. See my timeline. The circumstances were a bit different, but how you sound in how you are feeling sounds very familiar to me.

Once I did it - divorce, I couldn't undo it.. at that point *I* did more damage that couldn't be repaired.

That being said - if your absolutely sure, then do what you need to do. But if you aren't sure, be sure to exhaust all possibilities *before* you make that final cut.

I am divorced now, moved on with the wrong person, ended that and I've just started seeing somebody new that is working out very well thusfar - one day at a time. I've been on the emotional rollercoaster - it's NOT a fun ride.

Just be sure before you act, that's all I'm suggesting.

JinGA

notyet,

I think MEDC hit it; ""your H doesn't want a divorce...or he is just afraid of change.""

You were out with the GFs and weren't taking care of him! Where's dinner?? The guy is losing his "mommy"? Plus he is seeing his present and future life at this nice house out in the country slipping away.

Reality is setting in.

Plus I am sure he knows how to press your buttons, so he is playing the hurt, depressed unfortunate card to get your guilt rising.

kirk

I agree with what most of the other posters have said. Your H may have just assumed you would never actually go through the D and know he's scared.

I'm just curious about how your recovery went. You said MC, etc. Was it your H not really doing a good job at meeting your EN's. Did you not try at it? i.e. how long did you work at it.

I guess, I'm just curious if your saying we both gave it a real honest effort and it didn't work. I ask because your part about you guess you won't ever be able to respect him or trust him again seems to go against the grain so to speak if he had been doing things to make you trust him. Did your feelings about that change during the time you were working on recovery.

I also know that many BS's seem to have this sort rubberband effect after they get through the storm of d-day and build themselves back up that they go through a period of doubt about whether they should have bothered with recovery at all.

I'm going to try and answer some of the questions and post a little about my situation.

I think we both tried to make it work, but I'll admit, I've stayed suspicious throughout all of the recovery. I've had to "talk" myself into not revisiting my pain, and to be happy. I've been in recovery for 3 years, 1 year during the recovery period, I didn't live with him due to my anger, I had to remove myself from him because of my anxiety. I just don't want to do it anymore. Additionally, my H continues to get notices from the bank that he bounced checks, a total of $200+ for NSF fee. Now this may sound petty, but to me it's still cheating. He's spending money that he doesn't have, so he's using someone elses.

Digging deep into my sole, no I don't think my feelings changed during recovery. I always knew that I wouldn't stay, but I wasn't ready to give up my comfortable life. It's not my H that has kept me at home, it was the package. Does my H meet my EN? Heck no, he told me he didn't "need" sex, thus we don't have sex. I don't want him to meet my EN at this point, I'm not his wife anymore. He gave that privilege away. I am now his roommate until I can untangle some of the assets enough to move on.

Thank you all for posting. You really help me think this stuff through, either reading your posts and thinking on your words or me posting.

Yea, I have been there and heard the same thing. I am sorry for what you are going through. Not everyone can get over the pain of infidelity in a marriage. I told my wife that if she ever cheated I would move quickly to end our marriage and get her out of my life. She told me the same thing that she would divorce me if I cheated and yet she still did it.

When I followed through on my divorce after her affair she did the begging and crying part too. She acted like she couldn't stand me for years yet when I was leaving the circus she totally freaked out.

My guess is your H may not have wanted a divorce and he is freaking out a little. You have to decide what you are going to do but I am sure he does not want it to end.

And I got to admit looking at it from my wifes point of view I would not have wanted the marriage to end. She had a husband and boyfriend and shopped and except for me had a perfect life. On the other hand if my wife would have been the bread winner and I could have stopped working and went golfing all day and had a girlfriend on the side I am sure I would not have wanted that to end either.

So my point is he probably wants what is comfortable to him. People that cheat on their spouses hate the idea of their spouse being out with another person. That is why he acted the way he did. If you are going to D don't worry about it.

Ihad,

""yet when I was leaving the circus...""

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> AWESOME!!

That made my day.

Update. I rented an apartment on Saturday so I'll be moving. I have my attorney working on the separation agreement and I'll have it filed before I move. My H left out on Sunday morning at 10:30 and didn't return home until 5:30, he didn't say where he was going, I didn't ask nor did I call. Yet, he came home with some groceries so he could prepare dinner for me. I told him that I had already eaten. I went to my bedroom and that was that. I really don't know what he wants from me. He leaves all day, then tries to be nice when he gets home. I'm sure he's trying his best to remain friends through this ordeal and frankly, I would rather that it work out that way as well, but I don't consider him my H anymore, nor do I consider myself to be his W - he needs to understand that.

I have quite a bit to loose when I D my H, he makes twice the money I make and we have a very comfortable life, but how in the heck do you stay married to someone who lies and cheats. That to me is ridiculous, I can't do it. We talked about infidelity A LOT before we got married and yet after 1 year of marriage, he cheated. What a low blow. I honestly tried to recover, but I just can't do it. Yet, I feel guilty about it, why is that?