Please refer to my original post #3306607 - 09/18/07 10:33

Update - I overheard her speaking with a girlfriend about purchasing a pair of panties for $5.00 on sale normally $9.00. She did not like them because when she took 3 steps it made her feel like she was wearing a "thong". She stated that she wore them once, but now was going to wash them and take them back. Her GF talked her out of this.

Purchasing panties has never been an issue in our relationship. Normally she tells me that she needs new Bra's or panties and goes and picks them up.

So why hide these from me? She certainly has not modeled them for me.

This has been driving me nuts for two days. Upon my return home today, I searched, found them, they are not particularly intimate or sexy, just cut highrise (Barely There) available at Kohls.

I have also checked everything,; caller ID, messages, unusual stains, beds, everything and come up with NOTHING!!!

Am I loosing my mind?

She has dropped subtle hints about me keeping the apartment. Her times out of the house appear to be intact along with the milage on the car (except last week) it was 17 miles off.

My gut feeling and inituition are going crazy. I do NOT want to be consumed by this and falsely accuse my W.

I feel as though I am going down, and I am beyound frustration. Yet I maintain a cool calm collective and attempt to be extremely patient.

Please my friends help me. Tell me what I should do???

Thanks for your time and consideration. I will be checking the boards throughout the weekend when the opportunity presents itself.

In addition; within the last three weeks everything has taken a drastic change. Better eye contact, more intimacy, alot of I love You's. Too much at once!

Its as if she is reading my post here.

LTK,

""So why hide these from me?""

Dude, she wore them once and didn't like them.

""Am I loosing my mind?""

Could be! It's called "OBSESSING" which is not a good thing if you are trying to rebuild and repair the M.

The first couple months after my dday I sometimes wanted to take her undies and BURN THEM ALL!! And felt like I would have been totally justified.

Stay strong and take deep breaths.

kirk

She just returned home and has guilt written all over her!! I cannot believe I am able to maintain my composure! She had another "playdate" His wife was at an appointment and she ended up taking the kids over to his house. I will collect the necessary items and have them tested. This has gone on too long now!

Krusht,

Thanks. I am desperately trying not to become the "obsessed". How do you deny the body language and the overwhelming initiution??

Need help here!

Kruscht,

This should not be information that I am not NORMAlly privy to.

She has always told me when she needed things like this..

Come on people, I am desparate here and in dier need of advice. Most situation amy not warrant attention, but you guys have been the experts. Just tell me.....Am I freaking?? Am I overboard?

Please help....Dont make me beg!

Yes u r freakin' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> .... but justifiably so.

Now the smart thing t/d is to calm you down.... do some cleansing breathes. Deep breathe in, hold for 5 seconds....cleanse by blowing it out through your mouth. Do this 3xs do NOT hyperventilate.

Go find your books (SAA or HNHN) and go read. A good tool is NOT to overreact and make the WS wonder what u r up to. You want the WS to stress. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

It getting better. I found the receipt and come to find out she purchased matching Bra and panties and used a gift card to pay for them. The gift cards are normally what we use to make payments on the account. I cannot believe that she left the receipt out. She supposidly was unable to find it last week.

Any rate, thanks for the replies to my post. Her body language is extremely guilt ridden (maybe not as bad as some). The poor eye contact has also returned.

I think after this is all over and come to fruitition, I may be qualified to work as a PI?

Am I in the prelimnary stages of D-day?

Lt:

Try to fill in your thread a little bit more... first you were talking about underwear, next a play date. Is she seeing someone or not, are you sure or not?

Calm down, take this one step at a time.

Scott,

Well the playdate was supposed to take place at the park (open area), The OM that I suspect "A" lives directly behind the park.

Normally when these playdates are conducted it is with both OM and OMW. Come to find out, OMW had a medical appointment.

My kids get out of school at 2:45, his does not until 4:00. So my WW had to spend over an hour waiting for his kids to get out of school. Kids = playdate. Hard to have one with out the kids.

So basically he was alone with his 2 y/o.

This coupled with the newfound underwear purchased that I was not prevy to, is creating a clear picture.

I dont know.

Ok, so your wife took your kids out to the playground, and your neighbors also take their kids to the playground. So far this is normal. I do stuff with my kids all the time.

Next, your wife buys underwear but you hear her say that she doesn't like the way they feel, and she doesn't wear them. Actually, once they have been tried on, they shouldn't be returned. So that really isn't that suspicious either.

I understand you read some body language. Perhaps she just felt guilty for some flirting.

The point is, you really don't have much proof of anything yet (EA/PA). However, if you keep acting hyper-sensitive, and if she is having an affair, you are going to tip her off and drive the evidence underground, and if she is not, you are just going to make her mad.

Have you purchased a key logger yet? If not, do so. And then try to relax a bit. If you can meet her needs by doing something nice for her do so. If not, try to find a way to blow of some steam, such as sport or something, or maybe yardwork. I have some leaves in my yard if you want to come over!

Scott,

Thanks for the feedback. Please refer to the original post #3306607 - 09/18/07 10:33 and if you still think that I am chasing a ghost, then I will fall to my knees and beg god for forgiveness!

There have been other occasions where my W has interacted with this OM. OM and OMW came over for dinner one night, without being obvious, I would check out his interaction with my W. Fortunately, there was only one incident that bothered me and that was when they exchanged glances. I have seen that look in my wifes eye before.

Suffice to say, my W communicated that she would be going to church the next morning at 1030, (since we were having a late evening). This normally means that she is going to go by herself. The OMW is not catholic and does not atttend.

Now coincidental or not, my W was an hour late getting back. The only explanation that she could provide me with was that she got caught up exchanging dialouge with another parishner related to some volunteer activities.

PLEASE believe me when I tell you that I AM NOT looking for anything related to WA. The sudden change in behavior has been OVERWHELMING and without logical reasoning.

In the process of investigating the "signs of a cheating spouse" (including a link provided by Orchid), I should have reason to be concerned.

My BIGGEST fear is that I become oblivious to the evidence that should be hitting me in the face and miss the boat entirely.

If later down the road I find out that there was in fact something going on that I could have/may have been able to prevent, I cannot tell you how devestated I would be.

Besides, how many people come here for nothing? Don't you think that I have better things to do than "spy on my W"?

Some things that are listed in the signs of a cheating wife really hit home; Purchasing a matching pair of underwear, unexplained time going to the grocery store or shopping, a change in behavior, poor eye contact, sudden interest in their appearance, interest in an upcoming schedule, unusual stains in undergarments, rarely is there a dirty undergarment in the laundry, using new language; calls son "bud", finishes sentences with "and such". May be weak, but that is what OM terminology consists of.

I am NOT looking for these things they are just there!!

The absolute worst mistake that I made when I started suspecting that things were not right was to purchase and read Michelle Langleys "womens infidelity". This is what really raised my eyebrows, because is was as if she knew my W intimately.

At this point I don't know what to think other than the fact remains that I will need to study on some of the available literature on this site and make sure that my W EN are met.

I am at the point that I feel no one else on this site believes that I have reason to be concerned and I am getting to the point of just dropping this whole thing, the spying, worrying, stressing etc.

Hey, thanks for the post, I look forward to hearing from you again and I DO appreciate your time and consideration.

PS - I am very active in sports and yard work <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think it's more likely that your post is tough to follow and a little bit scattered. And people don't usually want to have to jump around to different threads to try to get a feel for the whole situation.

Best if you keep things to one thread, and give all the detail in one place. Then people will be more able to help and more likely to respond.

So, since this thread is active ... start here.

Lay out all the basic details that make you think your wife may be having an A. Tell us what you've done so far to find out, and what the results have been. What books have you read, other than Langley? How long have you been married, how many children and how old? What more do you know about the suspected OM, and what makes you suspect him?

Get some details and basics out where people can find them and read them. Then change the title of your thread to ask for specific help. That will get you help from the people who are most likely to be able to give it to you.

AmIOK,

Thanks for the advice. So here it is in a nutshell:

BIG changes in our relationship 5 years ago (mostly sexual). I went to counseling. For five years I have been wondering around asking myself what is wrong with me. Multiple arguments without resolve, kind of status quo so to speak.

June 2006 - lost my job, W slammed me mentally, chastized the ****** out of me. Told me to go put in an application at one of the local factories (I have a masters degree with over 25 years experience), then wanted me to take a job making 12,000 less than at my previous job.

To meet our financial obligations, I took a contract job 1 hour and 15 minutes away. The company that contracted my services, paid for housing, transportation and per diem. I returned home as much as possible sometimes four times per week.

About 8 weeks ago, I started noticing that there were never any dirty undergarments in the laundry (I help with that also). When I did find some they did have some unusual stains.

We had two knock our drag outs since then with the first initiated as an effort for me to find out what in the h is wrong. She finally broke down and told me that she lost respect for me secondary to the career decisions that I have made. Initially I bought it, but then started retracing my steps and realized that the career decision that she was referencing happened long after my return 5 years ago.

7-10 days later another discussion related to the same concern. This time she broke down and told me the reason for the change five years ago was "In my 20's I considered myslef a slut with nothing but t-tts and p-ssy" I was finally able to develope some self esteem and respect" that is what brought on the change..

Follow-up conversation to discover which reason was it, was met with some resistance and she changed the subject quickly. Bottom line is was that she finally took ownership of everything that had happen since then, the arguments, threats of divorce/separation etc. Now I am thinking that my wife basically put up a front before we got married, since then, I dont even feel as if I know her anymore.

3 weeks ago drastic change in behavior; more intimacy, a lot of "I love you's", "have a Wonderful day" to much as once.

Then I discovered tha conversation with her girlfriend about the panties. Again, initially, I did not think anything of it. But after some thought, realized that this has never been an issue with us, she has always told me that she needed personal items and she gets them.

She never wore them for me and she is telling her gf that she wore them once and felt as if she was wearing a "Thong".
I foung the receipt and she used a gift card instead of the CC. Usually we use the gift card to pay on the CC. And additionally found out that at the same time she purchased the underwear she also purchased a matching bra. Coincidental??

These things coupled with the body language, poor eye contact, some unexplained tardiness, bragging about the OM sense of humor, playdates were always with the OMW, she now has plenty of time M-W-F when both children are in school from 12:15 - 2:45. The OM workd night shift, and the OMW works early am until 12:30. So he watches their 2 y/o until she gets off work.

IN two weeks my W will be watching their 2 y/0 until the OMW gets off at around 12:30 because he is going to first shift for two weeks.

I dont know you tell me??

Thanks again

I dont know how I can explain it any better. Suffice to say, my initiution/gut feeling coupled with the signs of a cheating spouse have led me to where I am at now.

Thanks for the reply, hope this is not to long.

Married 14 years, have two children 6 & 5. Spends alot of time w OM, initially started because his 5 y/o was in preschool with mine. Alot of hanging out in parks located in isolated places. His wife, not very attractice, some medical issues, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome etc, when I met her, got the feeling that she was not "all there".

Normal male behavior, got a good relationship with an attractive female friend whose husband is away for most of the week. Why not???

Thanks to those who replied to my post. I will be however signing off effective tonight. I know that there are people who have worse problems and would benefit from you alls input.

I'll figure this out on my own, "you are you own best friend". Sorry I could not be more explicet in my post(s)

Thanks again for all your time and consideration. I'll pray for all those who are in despair.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey LT:

If you make it back here, just a few thoughts. I would say that while you do not have proof of an affair, your marriage definitely has some warning signs.

Here is a thought for you... your W "may" be attracted to a family guy who takes his kids to the park and also church. Solution? BE that family guy. Spend every night at home, take your kids to the park, go to church with your wife. My S doesn't share my faith, but trust me, if she just went to church with me out of respect for me and my faith, it would be a "home-run" in my book.

Best of luck to you,