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Joined: Sep 2007
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My wife told me about her adultery the day after they consummated it.
I know the OM as he was a friend of mine, who is only 21 living with his mother, unemployed etc etc etc..
His mother provides everything for him.. cellphone, internet etc. She was a victim on an affair as well , and it led to her divorce from her then husband, she has never remarried.

Should I call her and inform her that her son is having an affair with my WW? I know this would have to be calm and rational, attacking someone's child always puts parents in a defensive position. (I am father of 2 myself)

Also if anyone else has been in this position what can i expect from her? Anger? Sympathy? Nothing?

My WW Will be furious when she finds out that I have exposed this to his mother. Is it worth it?

Last edited by 1lostsoul; 09/29/07 03:02 AM.

"If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream." -Martin Luther King, Jr. BS-26 (me) WW-27 2 kids... Kinda (3yo, 6yo) Together 5 years, married 2 Discovered the infidelity 09/12/2007
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1lostsoul. Yes!!! I believe that telling OM's parents was the straw that broke the camels back in my WW's A.
The OM was living with his parents following his own divorce when the A started. WW was going to see him at parents house, I think they thought she was his girlfriend. I sent a letter to them explaining that she was still married with a daughter and after she had been with their son she was coming home and sleeping in my bed and that this was causing great distress to myself and our 12 year old daughter. This seems to have been the key to NC in my case.


Me - BH 42
FWW 40
DD 12
D-day 14th April 07
NC broken several times
False recovery until 14th July 07
NC finally established 14th July 07
OM reappears Aug 08. WW moves in with OM Nov 08. Now in Plan B

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/showflat.php?Cat=0&Number=3228651&page=0&fpart=all&vc=1
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Quote:

Should I call her and inform her that her son is having an affair with my WW?



That depends upon your motive. If you think that the affair is still going on and you want to put a stop to it then exposure is your most powerful tool. However you must do it correctly. This thread will help you understand how to do it properly if you need to.

If you think that the affair is over, IMHO you should keep your powder dry until the time that it resumes.

The reaction you get from the OM's mother will depend on how you tell her and explain your motive.

You are right to anticipate a serious backlash from your WW if you choose to do this. No matter how much we tell you to prepare, the ferocity will still shock you.

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If you want to save your marriage, yes, absolutely tell the OM's mother. Exposure iskey to breaking up affairs.

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Here's letter I recently sent to OMF.

My name is Learning2Fly. Both you and your wife have met my WS. We have been married for 17 years and have two amazing, well-adjusted, loving and trusting kids. They love both of their parents very much. WS and I are still married, not separated, and have not filed for divorce. I love her with all my heart and would give my life for her. Your son OM knows all of this, yet has been having an affair with her for over two years.

I am a Military Officer and have been serving my country proudly for over 20 years with WS’s enthusiastic support. Those years have included significant sacrifice in terms of time away from my family. As a result, our marriage has had its share of ups and downs.

As I’m sure you know, no marriage is without problems, but no problem within a marriage can justify an affair. This is something OM would know if he had any real experience with marriage, responsibility or commitment. No one can possibly know the “truth” of another person’s marriage from the outside, and OM’s continued presence, in any form, makes our recovery impossible. WS is truly an amazing woman and, like most of us, is not without issues. OM’s affair with her is only delaying confrontation of her own issues, while simultaneously creating a whole host of very real new ones - to include likely divorce, potential custody battles, financial hardship, etc.

Over a year ago when I first learned of the affair and confronted your son, he agreed to cease all contact with WS. For reasons known only to him, he failed to honor this agreement. During my entire recent deployment to an airbase deep in Iraq, and during much of a previous deployment to Japan, your son continued an active affair with my wife - often sneaking in the side door to my house so as not to be seen by the neighbors or my children.

I have attempted to contact him several times since then by phone and email but have received only vague excuses in response. Recently, even as WS and I were out of town at a marriage retreat, your son made himself at home in our house. His actions display a fundamental lack of integrity and honesty that are unacceptable in any moral framework, whether you are Christian, Buddhist, or even an "aspiring Mystic". Based both on his failure to take any responsibility for his actions and my children’s viscerally negative reaction to both him and his presence in their house and lives, I have no choice but to consider him a very real danger to my family.

OM is clearly a "seeker", but what he fails to grasp is that seeking any personal fulfillment within the bounds of another person's marriage is both selfish and destructive. All psychologists agree that the feelings arising from affairs are no different from those of a very strong addiction. OM must own up to his responsibility for an addiction gone bad. I am writing to you with the hope that with the benefit of your experience, wisdom and maturity you can encourage your son to cease all contact with my wife - for her sake, his sake, and that of my family. Please support OM in making the right decision in this difficult situation.

Sincerely, BS

No reply yet, but we'll see what ripples it sends across the A pond...

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All I can say...is wow....what an incredibly well considered, reasonable letter...Your restraint is admirable...yet your assertion is clear. Well done.

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Thx BN,

It took me no small length of time and it was revised, re-revised over and over again. Tried to keep it as direct as possible and cover the bases.

As much as I'd like some kind of response, I'm not expecting one...kinda like in Plan A. I just shot it out there and the "response" might take any one of a number of forms...we'll see

1LS, my firm belief is that you have nothing to lose. Long ago, my WS made it very clear how I was NOT to contact his family...I was in initial BS fog and so didn't - continuing to enable without realizing it, afraid to "piss WS off".

I've moved well past that and have taken the gloves off.

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Wife and OM's mother have a great relationship now, and OM's mom wants the affair to work into a real relationship and for my WW to divorce me and marry her son. So, I guess that revelation route doesnt matter..

WTF is wrong with people?
If my son ever gets involved with a married woman he'd get his butt kicked to the curb for helping to destroy a home.. If a marriage is crumbling let it take its own pace, you dont need to bring in the bulldozer. (sorry for rant)


"If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream." -Martin Luther King, Jr. BS-26 (me) WW-27 2 kids... Kinda (3yo, 6yo) Together 5 years, married 2 Discovered the infidelity 09/12/2007
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Oh dear, it sounds like the OM's mom wants your wife to take him out of her home and off of her hands. My OM was a 22-year old living at home and his dad was fully supportive because he assumed I would take on his son, pay for his education, etc. I even started paying off the OMs debts. I was the answer to OM's dad's problems with his kid. The whole thing was a long con, and I was the patsy.

Have you questioned your wife on exactly how she thinks this kid who can't support himself is going to support her and her children? She is nuts if she thinks he is suddenly going to become responsible. He probably thinks the two of them are going to live off of your support. Disgusting. Does he work? Can you expose him there?

edit: just reread and saw that your OM has no job. What does your wife think of that? Who pays for dates, etc?

Last edited by maggiemagster; 12/06/07 03:09 PM.
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Quote:

Wife and OM's mother have a great relationship now, and OM's mom wants the affair to work into a real relationship and for my WW to divorce me and marry her son. So, I guess that revelation route doesnt matter..




A great relationship? It has been 2 months.... It's easy to be on your best behavior for 2 months, things will crumble as time goes by. I agree, she is looking at your WW as the new mommy to take over.


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DS 15
DD 13
DD 8
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well he recently got a low paying job (i make about 2.5x more than him and we still struggled) AFAIK mommy paid for their dates and her plane trip out there the last time.
I dunno.. i just figured that I was made out to be such a monster that she empathized with my ww and wanted to "rescue" her but i may have it wrong..
it could very well be that he needs a sugar-momma. my WW has definite earning potential.

I don't know...


"If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream." -Martin Luther King, Jr. BS-26 (me) WW-27 2 kids... Kinda (3yo, 6yo) Together 5 years, married 2 Discovered the infidelity 09/12/2007

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