I'm new to the board but have been reading posts for several months. Briefly, I am pretty sure my husband had an EA with a co-worker, although he still denies it. There was nothing sexual in emails I found but he kept everything hidden and then lied to cover things so made himself look guilty.

He has also been guilty in the past about lying about porn and I recently discovered he may have been going to strip clubs while traveling out of town for his job over the years.

The EA was discovered 4 years ago and I'm not sure what is going on with that so decided to have a lie detector test done. We went yesterday and I am very disappointed and confused about what happened. First, the examiner seemed to make light of the fact that I thought my husband was having an EA (more or less like "we're all attracted to others at some point in our lives" kind of thing). Then, he said he thought my husband probably would not pass the question about strip clubs (I guess assuming that most men would go given the opportunity).

When I made the appointment I asked how many questions I could ask. The secretary said 4. I asked if they had to be on one subject as I wanted to know about this EA as well as the strip clubs and porn. She said she would check and call me back. The examiner said that would be okay. He never explained that could jeopardize the results.

Well, we went yesterday and I met with examiner first. I was surprised that he asked things like "do you love your husband?", "do you think your husband loves you?" Then he said how all people lie to some extent or other and there are many reasons for lying. He mentioned about a doctor telling a terminally ill patient that he had only 3 months to live. Would it be better for the doctor to not give that information? He seemed to think it would be. I was becoming a bit uncomfortable as I felt I was there to get results of test - period. Just the facts and not all of this justification.

Anyway, four questions where asked. Did he have sex with this coworker? (I really didn't think it had gone that far but wanted to make sure) Why did he do a search on her name on the computer recently? Has he used porn in last 2 months? Did he go to strip clubs or clubs with dancers while out of town?

I really wanted him to ask my husband if he was physically attracted to this women but the examiner felt that wasn't a good question. I really don't understand his reasoning. After testing my husband, we all met together and examiner said that test indicated he was not telling the truth about the porn or strip club. He said he gave the test several different times. Finally, my husband said he had received an email with a dirty joke (including picture) and that must have been why he had the reaction he did. Also, he had gone to a bar years ago that had dancers but it was not a strip club.

As far as the EA, the examiner said the test was invalid (not sure that is correct term) because of the other two questions. He wants us to come back next week and he will re-examine him on this subject only.

I guess I don't understand that whole process of testing and why each question isn't handled individually. Anyway, I'm very upset and don't know what to do now. This test cost $650 and I can't really afford to keep going back. Even if we go regarding EA, I will still not have answers as far as strip clubs and porn. I feel my husband basically got himself out of a jam by getting away with just admitting to a joke on the computer and going to a bar with dancers. That doesn't really tell me that he hasn't looked at porn or gone to strip clubs.

Could anyone offer guidance here? I'm really beside myself right now.

My examiner also asked questions of both my husband and I, it gives him a feeling about who he is testing. You have to stick to direct yes and no questions and usually one subject is best. On mine I asked in the 32 years years of marriage have you ever had sex with anyone except(my name). Did you have sex with the lady that was religous. Did you have sex with the lady that wore feather earrings. ect. But before the test was taken I told my hubby who these women were. So that way my hubby could`nt say well I say a lady at the mall with feather earrings ect. My hubby passed. Your examiner is right about the strip club. Strip club is strip club, email is email. Hoped this helped.

I guess I just didn't want the examiner to try to advise me as to whether I should be upset about these things or not. That's what kind of bothered me. He even mentioned something about Bill Clinton and how the reason he lied about having sex was because he didn't want the country affected by something like that because there were too many things going on right then.

He (the examiner) also mentioned several times that my tolerance level for things seemed to be a bit less than most women. In other words, he seemed to feel it was okay for my husband to go to strip clubs. That really bothers me as I really don't care what his opinion is and didn't need to hear it and also didn't care whether he thought my tolerance was low or not. I was paying him to administer the polygraph and nothing else.

The fact that my husband managed to get out of answering the question about porn by saying someone sent him a joke in his email makes me feel it was a waste of my time and money. Shouldn't the examiner then come back and said "Other than this particular joke, have you viewed any other porn?" I don't know, maybe I was expecting too much???

Wow, a polygrapher who believes in lying and has the disease of moral relativism. How cute. I would find someone who has some common sense.

You are right the examiner should have never given you HIS opinion on the porn or strip club issues . Thats between you and your hubby. He is there to give a test and nothing else. Your hubby knew what you meant about the porn issue and the email have nothing to do with it so therefore, he did not get out of that one. Veiwing porn and getting an email of a naked lady is two different things. I had a wonderful examiner he was an ex-cop and also is a PI. Now even though my hubby passed his test does`nt mean he did`nt TRY to have sex with any of these women. It just means he did`nt have sex,they may have turned him down. It depends on how you look at it. Your examiner should have guided you better on what questions to ask like mine did. Did your examiner goe over the questions with you?

Yes, he did go over the questions and helped reword them. The reason I chose him is that he is an attorney and has a good reputation. My other choice was an ex-cop who had a bit of a scandal going when he retired from the police force. The ex-cop actually worked for the attorney before he went out on his own.

I don't know why but I felt the examiner was trying to tell me to just let the porn and strip club idea go and not worry about it. Kind of like all guys do it??? I didn't like the idea that he said he thought my husband would fail on those two questions, even though I myself thought he would fail.

I just don't know what to do now. It's not something I can afford to keep having done. Not to mention the mental anguish of it all.

An analogy, in terms of other women being more tolerant of things ......
Suppose all of the husbands in your town forget to flush when they move their bowels,
but filth in the toilet disgusts you,
And your husband won't flush.

You should lower your standards to where theirs are?

Why?

lets break this down...

you yourself are getting side tracked and caught up in minute details....and creating more negative feelings that hinder healing and togetherness....
\
which if that is your goal..then we have to get you there..

not here bogged down ..

The EA was discovered 4 years ago and I'm not sure what is going on with that so decided to have a lie detector test done.

do you know who the OW is...(otherwoman)
are they still in contact...
this happened four years ago...is it still ongoing...or is it a thing in the past...

no point in powerstruggling verbally with your husband whether or not he did or didn't if you have email proof...
you move on to fixing...
otherwise you will spend forever gridlocked...

also you have a husband willing to subject himself to a polygraph...
do you think it is possible that he has revealed all

or do you think he looks you in the eye day after day and lies...

and if he does lie day after day..is it because he doesn't care what you think

OR

he knows that you will not for one second accept his answer...and will punish him and go ballistic...

people do lie for many many reasons..
sometimes to protect
sometimes because they are terrified of the others response...

i am not justifying his lying if he is...

I am asking you why do you think he has lied over and over...

is he committed to the marriage
does he want to stay with you

what does he say
are you two close
intimate
tender towards one another...
or
is your marriage a battle field...

are there children....

are you morally against porn..
did you discuss this with him prior to marriage...

do you understand that men's brains are linked to visual input in sexual ways....
again not justifying...anything..just stating a fact..

here's an age old question we ask round these parts now and then..

do you want to be right or do you want to be married...

if you want to be married...recovery and working through these issues are great labors of love...

love love love

not fighting
not powerstruggling
but calm gentle listening hearing and be listened to and heard...

BOTH parties must work hard to create an environment in which healing can and does occur..

your man took a polygraph...
I hope you slurped him up and down for doing that for you....

I hope you held his hand going in ...and hugged him after...

I hope you aren't blaming him for your dissatisfaction of the results...

and i hope that if you truly believe that you have a man that just spews lie after lie after lie at you...
then you got bigger fish to fry on your part...

not being vindicated
not ever getting the real truth..

but just getting yourself out of there...
and letting him wallow in his lies...

you can't force the truth....

tell me how a polygraph adds to the healing of your marriage....

ARK

Ark,

What I want is to know what has gone on in my marriage all these years. I feel like I've lived in the dark - not really knowing. Like my husband is two different people. One when he is with me and one when I'm not around.

I do admit that I've made many mistakes in this marriage. Probably the biggest is that I tend to overreact, which I'm sure has caused him to not tell me things. But I grew up in a family where we didn't really hide our feelings. I guess I just think it's better to have it out and get on with life rather than keep hiding from things. So what if you have a fight. You work it out and go on. My husband just about refuses to talk about anything so things just keep building up.

At first he refused the polygraph and said he doesn't believe they are accurate. Then he said he would tell the kids I forced him to take one. Our sons are grown but only one is aware we are having any problems and I didn't want them to know about polygraph but honestly, I agree it is extreme. But I have given him every opportunity to tell me things (and promised I would stay and work things out in the marriage) and he just keeps saying the same thing - there was nothing there with this woman and he never did anything wrong all the years he traveled for work.

I don't want this post to be too long so I'll just say that basically I found some emails and phone calls to this woman four years ago. Nothing sexual - just the fact that he was hiding it made me suspicious. Anyway, he supposedly quit emailing her but several months ago, I found where he had done a search on her name. He claims it was because someone told him there is a lot of information about everyone online and he said he checked our names and couldn't find anything so decided to do a search on her name. The reason he chose her instead of any of the other hundreds of people he knows? She doesn't know much about computers so wouldn't know to look there herself and possibly delete anything. Sorry, I'm not buying that.

So, this EA or whatever it was (or is) seems to never end. The deal with the strip clubs came about because I found an old hand written map someone had given him several years ago. It was a city he was going to be going to for business and the map showed different hotels and restaurants in the downtown area. It also showed a strip club. This map was drawn up by some guy who lived in that area. I couldn't understand why he would have automatically included the strip club location if it wasn't asked for. My husband swears he never went there.

The reason for the polygraph was to put my mind at ease. I told him before we went that if he just told me what really went on in these situations that we could work through them. He still said nothing happened. He said the reason he failed the test on the strip club question was because the examiner included bars with dancers and he had gone to one 20 years ago.

I purchased the MB book on CD about his needs/her needs. I gave it to my husband over a month ago. He has listened to about 1/2 hour of it. I feel like he does not want to get emotionally any closer because there are things he does not want me to know.

Sorry to be rambling here but I'm at a loss as to what to do. We've been married 34 years. He has been good to me in many ways. We've both made mistakes. But is loving a person enough when you can't trust them?

Shadows...

I think that you should maybe see if what you have been trying in the past..
to get him to reveal things...
AND
the possibility that there isn't that much to reveal...

like in my opinion it IS possible that some guy offers another guy a map that includes a strip club as well as restaurants....

some men wouldn't think twice in including that in local attractions...
and
some men receiving such information wouldn't think twice about just accepting it and NOT making a big deal about it...
like oooh I'd never go there...

doesn't mean he did or didnt'...

my question is

who is your husband today this minute....

is he meeting your needs
is he still traveling
is he accountable today...

what is going on today..

not four years ago...

what was your next plan if the polygraph didn't put your mind at ease...

see here's the thing I doubt that your husband will agree to another...

he did one...
it's not his fault if you aren't happy with the results...

I don't mean that meanly I mean it realistically...

he did what you ask..if you're not happy with the results please don't take it out on him...

also I would think that since men are visually stimulated that they would have recordable responses to questions about strip clubs because of the visual associated with it...

say the word and your brain forms a picture...even if you have never been in one but watch any TV....

do you know your husbands top EN
does he know yours

are you meeting them....
is he meeting yours TODAY

people change ...(for the good)
did he used to do this or that...
and now doesn't

here's the thing ....
what if your husband said yes yes yes I did all those things you say...
just to get you to leave him alone...
what is your plan if all your thoughts come to fruition..?

whats the next step....

ARK