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I am a newbie and this is my first post. I am fortunate to have found MB and have learned a great deal from everyone by reading through the website and the Discussion Forum. I also just started reading SAA and have come to the realization that I have been doing many things the non-MB way.
My story in brief... On 6/6/07 I discovered that my husband had been having an EA/PA with a married co-worker for over a year. He said that he would end it (and on some levels he has), but he still works with her and sees her at work during the week. He even told me last night that he still has feelings for her. NC has not taken place. I know that this is a big MB no-no and I plan on addressing it with him tonight. I know that another important thing that I need to do is expose the affair. I have told no one!
I have made a list of people to tell. The person on the top of the list is the OW's husband. I'm almost positive that he does not know. I am petrified to approach him.
How do I tell the OWH? Do I have to call him or can I send him an email or letter? What do I say?
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The options are yours. Do NOT depend on input from the OW or WS regarding OW's H. They may attempt to paint a sordid picture of OW's H just as they may have painted a similar one of you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
Instead, find a trust source and review your options:
1. Face to face notification (recommend you do this with a trusted source by your side).
2. Send information to his work (to make sure he gets it and not the OW). You must be factual and you may not know his reaction. If you can have someone trusted be there when he reviews the info, it w/b best.
3. Call him. This is helpful but again you can't see his reaction.
The good side to this is of course knowing the truth. The down side is he may not believe you or care. Being in denial is common. It may take time or he may need assistance to prevent him from doing something rash.
Let him know your motive for the exposure is one so he can protect himself and his family from the selfishness of the OW. She has had at least 1 A you are aware of and maybe more. If you state is that way, then your H won't look like the only OP in his M.
JMHO,
L.
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I did it by phone, but it was the only option for me as she was out of state. It was probably the single best action I took. The OW was able to verify that my suspicions were correct and made it possible for me to put an end to the lies. It also presumably threw a big wrench in the OM's life, which might not be a factor in my marriage, but it gives me some satisfaction personally.
I don't know what the best way to do it is, phone to me seems easiest. I do believe that it is very important. There's a chance the OW's H has no idea, in which case he can be an ally in ending contact, there is also a chance that he knows more than you, in which case you will be better armed with the truth.
Do it. It doesn't matter how, just do it.
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IMO, the best way to notify him would be by phone. But disguise your # using *67 so your name is not on his caller ID. And don't leave a message if he is not there. I would then plan on calling all the others on your list the same day so that the exposure has a tsunami effect and the affairees do not have a chance to pre-empt you. Another key exposure should be his employer, and I would suggest doing that by mail. I would send a letter certified to the director of Human Resource and cc the VP and both their bosses. [you will want to cc these ppl so that no one is tempted to throw the letter away] Brits Brat, a corporate attorney who posts here, gives this template for exposure at work: In my capacity with a very large company, I see these types of situations 2-3 times a year. Disappointingly, Companys usually will not act strictly on the extramarital affair. Intead, you have to give them something that is near and dear to their hearts - their pocketbooks and the potential for lawsuits. If anything is going to get a reaction out of this Company, you need to send your letter to the CEO with copies to the head of HR, head of Legal and both of their supervisors. The letter should read something along the lines of:
Dear Mr./Ms. CEO,
This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.
John Smith and Susie Doe are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. Mr. Smith and Ms. Doe are using Company time and company resources to further their affair. Attached is one example of countless e-mails exchanged between them during the workday. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship. (If they have traveled together on Company business, you would insert that here).
If you have any questions, please call me at 555-555-5555. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.
Regards,
Brits Brat
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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By phone, or however you can do it will work. I went personally to the OW's home, knocked on the door and told her I wanted to speak with her husband.
Be sure to have some proof, so that the OW can't talk her way out of it.
Your huband will be very ANGRY, but it is the best way to save your marriage.
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I think that my fear of doing it face to face is a violent reaction from OPH. After reading your post I realize I am basing this thought on something my WH had said, "He gets angry easily and is prone to violence." Is this statement true? I thought so, but now I have my doubts. Thanks!
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ML - I had not considered contacting HR and his boss. WH and OW do work in the same building in different departments and she is a supervisor (though not his). Obviously, a majority of their activities were taking place during work time. I will add a letter to HR on my list. Thanks!
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What is the best type of proof to have? Unfortunately, the most blatant email/chats were on a personal account and were deleted by my WH the day after I found out. I do have some less incriminating emails from WH work account. They date back to the beginning of the affair, but the messages are more hidden. I wonder if I only see them as "proof" because I saw the others too. Will the OWH feel that they show anything? I guess something is better than nothing!
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What is the best type of proof to have? Unfortunately, the most blatant email/chats were on a personal account and were deleted by my WH the day after I found out. I do have some less incriminating emails from WH work account. They date back to the beginning of the affair, but the messages are more hidden. I wonder if I only see them as "proof" because I saw the others too. Will the OWH feel that they show anything? I guess something is better than nothing! Find a neutral 3rd party and let them review your proof. Make sure this 3rd party is familiar with the antics of an A. If you need someone here to review, ask.... someone may be willing t/d if offline or here as a post. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> L.
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"He gets angry easily and is prone to violence".
You would think his wife would have thought of that before she cheated on him. You know, we have heard that so much around here that I pretty much ignore it.
Of COURSE he will be angry. Any man would be. But the fastest way to assure no contact is to let the other woman's husband know what she is up to. He may even insist that she quit.
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I think that my fear of doing it face to face is a violent reaction from OPH. After reading your post I realize I am basing this thought on something my WH had said, "He gets angry easily and is prone to violence." Is this statement true? I thought so, but now I have my doubts. Thanks! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> This is a CLASSIC wayward wife LIE. This is the 2nd one I have read about just today. sigh.... Apparently, he isn't too "violent" or she wouldn't be risking his wrath by screwing around. Good grief..
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You know, I hate cheaters, but what I hate MORE than anything are dumb broads who play the victim card. They are a shame to my gender. And then they try and tell you they are "equal." ugh!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You know, I hate cheaters, but what I hate MORE than anything are dumb broads who play the victim card. They are a shame to my gender. And then they try and tell you they are "equal." ugh Hmmmmmmmmm....... Well.... where did that come from <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />? All blessings Jerry
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Oh, we have yet another wayward wife who is playing the "domestic violence" victim card. Read up...
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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OK......
"Dumb Broads"??????????
I'm not sure I'm too crazy about those implications.
And I have read all.
All blessings,
Jerry
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OK......
"Dumb Broads"??????????
I'm not sure I'm too crazy about those implications.
And I have read all. I am not too crazy about dumb broads, so I guess we have something in common. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Well for the record, I'm totally head over heels in love with my "dumb broad", and have been for about forty years now. But hey, that's just me, not very wise or anything else, just me...... I guess that would make me a dumb [email]a@@.[/email] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> OTOH, i like being that!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> All blessings, Jerry
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Well, your wife might not be too happy to be called a "dumb broad," Jerry, but whatever floats your boat! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Actuall Mel, I don't think she would appreciate it either, thus, I have voiced my O in the matter.
Why don't we leave it at that. I am after all, her stauchest defender.(perhaps to my own detriment, but none the less.....)
All blessings,
Jerry
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Well, my opinion is that you shouldn't refer to her as a dumb broad and I am not sure why you did. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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