August 31st was a very hard day when my suspicions were laid out clear as a bell as fact. It's been a month now. I thought I would write down everything that has been happening to get the opinions/advice/thoughts of all you veterans at this.

My WH has continued to tell me every day he is sorry. He sends me text messages over my cell phone all hours throughout the day when we're both working telling me he loves me and that I'm the only woman he ever thinks about. Every time I see him at home he hugs me and tells me I'm his life. I feel a little uncomfortable with this sometimes. I don't trust him much if at all still. I told him I didn't want to just hear him say these things, that I needed to see and feel it and I just don't.

He has had no contact with the OW that I know of. I'll be getting the cell phone bill soon to see if he has tried to contact her. He had his number changed so if there's contact, it's been because he has reached out to her. His job transfer takes him completely out of her path.

I work out of state M-F. I told him I didn't want him going home without me because I felt I couldn't trust him if I wasn't in the same state. If he gets home from a business trip and I'm working out of town, he comes to the town I'm working and gets a hotel room. It's expensive, but I find I can't extend him any measure of trust without him doing this right now. We are trying to sell our house and move to the town I mostly work in right now. His job is flexible enough to let us do this.

We have planned an extended weekend trip to try to discover if we want to continue this marriage or not. I'm still feeling hurt and not sure if it's worth the betrayed feelings I have.

He did fill out the EN survey, I did too. We reviewed them together. He listed his top needs as honesty/openness, admiration, family commitment, affection, and conversation. I told him I thought he wasn't being straight with me because he didn't list sexual fulfillment as one of his top needs. He replied that he felt if we worked on the other areas he listed then SF would come naturally. I still think he was just trying to list things the way he thought I would list them. My list was very different from his list though. I listed honesty/openness, affection, sexual fulfillment, conversation, recreational companionship. I can't help but feel his list is not truthful.

He apologized the other night "for ever hurting you and making you cry"--his words. Why would he ever think what he did would not hurt me or make me cry?

I'm still not sure if I can ever trust him again. He is going to have to face the fact he messed up huge. He is the one who put a gulf the width of the Grand Canyon between us.

Sounds like a good beginning to recovery. He is just like most WS's. They never even think about how much their infidelity will hurt their spouse. It just doesn't occur to them.

It will take about 2 years to start feeling normal again. Sorry, that is just the way it is.

Would you begin to trust him then? I'm not sure if he merits it or not yet.

I wouldn't trust him for a long time. He needs to figure out the reason he did this. He needs to find a plan to keep it from happening again. There is lots of work ahead.

Also, I would get some counseling, preferably from the Harley's.

He has to earn his trust. You were not the one that broke trust and shouldn't *have* to trust him for anything. Although, I have to say it is amusing that he would put honesty/openness as his highest EN. Maybe that's just me.

That's one reason I thought his EN survey was filled out the way he thought I would fill it out or like for him to fill it out. I really meant I wanted honesty to be first. He, I'm sure, would not put that first if he didn't suspect I would do the same.

My FWH put honesty first, too, right after the affair he had.

I laughed at him.

He was ashamed, and said that before the affair he would have put SF, but he realized now that honesty was really the most important thing, and that the marriage would not survive without it.

So it had become important.

He put family second, because the affair's aftermath had taught him that his family really did mean more to him than life itself, and the reality of possibly losing it had moved it to the top of the list as well.

His priorities changed dramatically after d-day.

It's possible he is being honest with you. He may be a lot like some other WS (Lousy Golfer being one of them) who figure out very quickly that they do not want the OW, they want their lives back, their wives back, and their families back. They want REALITY back.

And they snap out of the fog faster than other WS because for some reason, they just figure it out faster.


As for trusting him, that will take you time. You will question things for a long time, but little by little, the trust will work its way back in. Give yourself a break - this is new.

And it's okay that he's calling you. He's trying to reassure you, trying to reconnect to you. Try to open your heart and let that happen. You CAN have a marriage with this man again, despite his stupidity and hurtful behavior.

But, you have to believe in that, and you have to leave the path open for it. You can have it, if you want it. It is a choice you will make. If you choose to save the marriage, then you will have to work at saving it - it won't be easy. You will hurt, cry, and trigger.

But you will hurt, cry, and trigger if you choose to divorce.

There's no way around it.




SB

Thank you for replying Schoolbus. You've said some encouraging things in your posts to me. I guess I'm just not at the point where I can stop thinking about that day almost every single day. Somehow, some way it pervades my thoughts. It makes me leary of every thing he attempts to do.

Yesterday we went out to breakfast with one of his friends. I'm not sure why, but for some reason he just blurted out to his friend that I didn't think he loved me anymore. I didn't say anything. I just sat there and looked at him. I wasn't going to deny or confirm what he had said. He knows how I feel, and I'm not going to get into debates out in public about it. His friend didn't ask for details, although he is one of his friends I told about the adultery.

He was trying to tell you that your current behavior is telling him that he knows you don't think he loves you anymore.

Your body language, how you say what you say to him, they all tell him that you think he no longer loves you.

This is normal for this point in time. He's worried he has poisoned the relationship forever. If you think that you think the marriage has a chance, you need to let him know.

Not in public, no, but you do need to let him know if you think you are going to give him a shot at saving the marriage.

If you don't let him know, he may give up on you. You may give away the chance you have right now if you don't let him know that you are giving it serious consideration, and at least let him understand that under your pain, distrust, and fear, there are still feelings for him.

They say that the biggest threat to the marriage after the affair is the BS - so be very careful. I know it's hard to stop thinking about your pain. But try to think about your love for him, too. It sounds like he wants you to remember that. He sounds remorseful, and like he does want to save your marriage. If you both work at it, you can do this.

SB

I do still love him, even though I wish I could just smack him for stupidity all the time. I tell him I love him every day. I'm the one who suggested we go away for the long weekend without our son. He agrees we need time alone to talk and try to reconnect.

He asked me if I felt like love was enough to work on our marriage. I told him no, we needed honesty and trust too. He agreed.

Have u 2 read His Needs/Her Needs, together? Can you call Steve H @ MB for a recovery plan?

You as the BS may go through stages similar to grieving. Check out my link. During these stages, your H can help you find closure and you can help him also. This s/b a team effort customized for your individual needs.

Call Steve.

take care,
L.

My husband and I are "celebrating" our anniversary today. He is on his way home from work. I've been trying to change my thoughts and not dwell on the D-day, but it's been hard. He has been trying to change himself and has been more honest with me. I still sometimes check things out to see if he speaks the truth or not. I don't know if I will ever get trust back.

I had the hardest time picking out a card for him for our anniversary today. I was reading all these sweet, sappy cards--something I would have gotten him in anniversaries past, and I just couldn't do it. I could not make myself buy him a too personal card so I settled for a more generic I love you type card that didn't talk about him being a great husband and my best friend like most of them did. It just didn't feel right. I just wanted to cry when I read all the cards that didn't seem to apply to us anymore. Will I get over this?

I just wanted to report that I also saw a Christian marriage counselor. He is pro marriage and has tried to help me through the rough thoughts moments.

This is all still new for you, it will take alot of time. I'm almost 2 yrs into R from my H's affair. I still couldn't buy a card this month without sinking into despair. The ones i get now are one liners. I love you. Happy Anniversary! I actually wanted to lay down in the store and cry, because of what i've lost by my H being unfaithful.
We are doing great, by measure of doing the right things, and we have very few bad days. He is a different man, the one i always wanted him to be before the A. Now, it doesn't mean as much though, because he had to learn that he loved me by hurting me more than i've ever been hurt in my life.

He was selfish, and he is still, i see all of his flaws i didn't before A. Selfish people hurt whoever gets in their path, period.

I am still in R, this is a long exhausting rollercoaster ride through ******!But, i'm happy most days again. Just different. Some ways better, some not.

I don't know if anniversaries will ever mean anything again.
Hope i haven't brought you down, but the reality is you are on your way thru this, just focus on becoming who you want YOU to be , get yourself on a path to a better place for you. If H is sincere he'll keep up with you, you don't have to sit around and worry if he's trustworthy. He'll prove it to you if he is, and if he doesn't, what do you have to lose? A loser?

Marriage Builders has good advice, and i've taken it but time is still what heals. I'm hurting alot less each month, so eventually i can see me being ok. I'll never be the same as before A again, but i've grieved that loss and will get to know the new me now.

I like her even more!!! And, you will too. Keep doing the couseling. We haven't and i wish we would've. H stopped making the appts and i don't care to now. Sometimes i think i'm biding time instead of Recovering. We'll see....
My heart goes out to you.
HBC

Deephurt
Today is our 17th anniv. Its been around 9 months sience dday. We are making progress and I am hopeful for our future. But as you know our lives are foever changed. I too had difficulty picking out a card! I just keep telling myself time will heal this. I have good and bad days. I want to make today a good one. We are going to do a little shopping today. I asked for a new wedding set and for us to say some new vows to each other. just me and him and God I think that will make me feel good today. Just hang in there and know you are not alone. We can do this!!!!!!!!