Please help me, I don't know where to turn or what to do. (Is this the right place to post this?)

So my wife is pregnant again.... Isn't this a nice way for you to find out? Mom will be so proud.....

She had the usual tests done and a day later the Dr calls leaving a message, they would "like to discuss the test results". She didn't get a chance to call them back until the next day. She came home shortly after she left for work in a tirade. Telling me what a loser I am and that if I don't get out of this house right away, she would have me removed...

I had NO CLUE what was going on or what had happened. I didn't even know she heard back for the Dr so quickly... Apparently, over the phone, the Dr/Nurse - whoever it was, told her that she has Chlamydia.

Well now I'm the loser who went and slept with someone and then gave it to her. The thing is... I am NEVER alone, I'm either at work or here at home with her, I do NOTHING without her...ever, so how could I even if I wanted to??!!?! It never happened. I've never considered it. Period.

But now I have to go get tested too. I'm fairly certain I'll come up negative... seeing how we rarely have sex.

I've made comments to her that we moved closer to her job so she wouldn't have to be gone 12-14 hours a day (We live 6.5 miles form her office now). Yet she STILL is gone 12-14 hours a day. At least 2 days a week, sometimes 3. So I asked her, who has she slept with? After all, she's CONSTANTLY accusing me of cheating on her. So this makes me think she's accusing me to cover her tracks? (That part comes from experience...sadly).

She swears she never has cheated on me, or anyone else. I have though, so I must have cheated on her too. Now she's super pissed because of her age and the complications this STD causes for the pregnancy.

I am beside myself, completely pissed off that she has this knowing full well that I have never cheated on her, and doing my own research to find out if there is any other way to get this....there is, but it's VERY RARE, so I'm highly doubtful it was contracted any other way but through sexual intercourse. Which makes her the cheater and the liar.

I'm at a loss though.... I can't prove to her that I didn't cheat. Her words... there is nothing, not even solid proof - if any existed, that would make her believe me. I have lived with this woman for 4 years, telling me to "get out" I'm a "loser", and she "hates me". I honestly wonder if this is how my Uncle felt/feels being married to my Aunt... it is 100% her way or no way. Period.

What's really messed up, is I'm more pissed I can't prove to her that I didn't cheat than I am of her cheating... why?!??! I KNOW I DIDN'T CHEAT!!!!

Years ago.. my Mom said something I overheard one holiday, she thought my wife was marrying me for a settlement I was getting from a motorcycle accident. She hates my mother now for that reason alone.

The money from my settlement? It's gone. Every penny. Gone. I bought her a car in cash, then bought a laptop, TV, and went on a vacation. The rest went into CDs. It was supposed to be for the kids. But We needed some money so we closed them out... I was shocked! These were all slated to be replaced with one of her bonuses (more on that later).

We had some loans and I needed a new car, seeing how I bought her a car (For the safety of the baby) she gave me her 1996 Ford Taurus, which we sank about $4000 into for tires, brakes, and a new transmission. I just wanted a new car back then, but seeing how her father gave her the Taurus, she couldn't get rid of it so wanted me to fix it up and drive it. So we did, but then it died...

So for me to get a new car, we agreed we would close out the rest of the CDs and pay off all the loans, my credit card, and her SEVEN credit cards... I bought my car, but I have a loan on it, something I cannot afford on my salary alone. (the titles to each car is in both our names though) What "change" was left over from paying the stuff off with the CD money, was pissed away on ...I don't really know. Clothes maybe? Out to dinner too much? Bottom line is the money that I had and was actually doing good saving for my future and the benefit of my kids...is gone.

Ironically, the same day the Dr called and left her a message on her cell phone, she got a $9000 bonus from work. She gets at least that every 6 months - this is her 2nd bonus of this amount as she's been there a little over 1 year, her very first bonus was $2000, after being there 2 months.

So now that my money is gone, and she has hers - hers is "hers", mine is "ours" just for reference.... She wants me gone, no contact with our son, just 2 now... ever,(I don't see my other kids now so I don't need to see him) Here's the thing about that though, she doesn't like them! And I end up feeling uncomfortable with them here with us, and I don't want the 20 questions if I stay somewhere else with them. And she says this next baby will never know me. I love him so much, and I would fight for custody of him if I honestly thought I had a fighting chance. She'll never let me see him though, she refuses to let me go see my Mom and Dad with him. She doesn't want to go, and when I mention going she tells me to go alone.

I'm tired and emotionally drained from dealing with the way I feel I need to live around her, I'd go in a heartbeat but I want my son. I would prefer that he be raised with an intact family though. I just don't know if I can do it. Plus, reality is, I'm financially ruined again. I couldn't make it with my current job and bills on my own. Sure I could give up my car, but I doubt I'd get what I owe, so I'd still have that bill, and have to get another car.

Want to know what really sucks? Next Autumn we could have seriously bought a house. Now look at me. Almost 38, back in the same damn boat I was in 15 years ago. Going to have to find some guy renting out a room and dealing with roommate crap.

What do I do? How can I prove I haven't cheated? Do I really care? Is this a real opportunity that's telling me, get out now? What about the next Baby? She's due in 6 months. That baby needs a father! My son needs a father!

Honestly... with no kids in this marriage, I would have been long gone. I am not happy, I haven't been in a long time. I am just used to the mental and emotional abuse. I just exist.... It's not like we really see each other anyway. She's gone to work long before I get up. She's home between 6-6:30 and upstairs watching TV or in bed by 8:00. So I get 90-120 minutes 5 days a week. Weekends is when the fighting typically happens too... Unless we're on a road trip or not talking about my family.

Do I try to stay for the kids? Or do I try to get my life back? And....what life is that?

A nurse practitioner once told my wife she had chlamydia, but it turns out she had bacterial vaginosis instead. If her test result comes back positive for chlamydia, get yourself tested, and if you don't have it, she 100% cheated on you. Ask her how she would have it but you wouldn't (I know that you could test neg. and still transmit it to her, but don't tell her that).

Your situation doesn't sound like much fun.
A few thoughts from a relative novice until one of the pros comes along...

1) Have you read the Basic Concepts (see menu bar)? It doesn't sound like it because you don't mention any in your post. If you haven't, do!

2) Repost on GQ2 - it's a much busier forum, and you'll get more responses.

3) Wife working long hours... infrequent sex... romance gone... 'righteous indignation' and an STD!

All are possible pointers to infidelity.

Have you snooped? Check cell phone records? Keylogger on the computer? Bank statements? GPS tracker? Search for a thread entitled 'snooping 101'.

4) After the birth, consider a paternity test - it's simple, a cheek swab from the alleged father (you) and the baby will for around $300 confirm if you are or are not the father.

5) As far as saving your M goes:
- again, read the Basic Concepts
- eliminate YOUR lovebusters (you can't eliminate hers but you CAN set a good example!)
- find out what her most important Emotional Needs are and meet them as much as she will allow.
- snoop as above - if she IS having an affair, identify the other man, and expose the affair to his wife or GF, his employer, family - anyone who can bring pressure to end it.

The good folk on GQ2 will guide you - listen to them carefully!

Good luck.

ThinkingOfMyKids

suggest that you both get a lie detector test done. Look at her "reaction" very closely. If she has nothing to hide, she'll probably be delighted, otherwise.............hmmmm.

If I had the opputunity and if I was being accused for something that is NOT true, I'd do it for sure. In a situation like yours, I'd ask my partner to do one also.

bb

Here's the thing - if your story is valid, then it seems to me that your W has no respect for you. If that's truly the case, then it's also more likely that she's cheated on you.

However, I think if I was in your situation, and my my W didn't want to address the concerns as you've addressed them here (the finance issues, the time spent together, etc.), then I'd be planning my exit strategy, no matter if she cheated or not.

Went to the lab today to get tested for everything under the sun... just want to be safe, if that's possible now... I thought after I got married to her I wouldn't have to worry about that anymore.. We'll see what the tests show. Though she now says if I come up negative it's because of a recent sinus infection I had...I was on meds for 2 weeks to clear that up, so the meds will magically take care of this Chlamydia thing too...whatever. So in her eyes, if I'm negative on the test, I still gave it to her and am now clean. So I'm the one that cheated... This is maddening that I cannot prove to her that I'm not the one that cheated!!


5outof6, I don't know what you mean by GQ2? or righteous indignation? This is where wifey knows I'm not particular smart in the general sense of the world, so I'm worried there that she will rake me over in court if it ends up that route...

Blossom,
I told her I would take a lie detector test, she said she didn't care. I'm a liar period, no detector needed in her eyes. I did not however ask her to take one, perhaps I should have.

ManInMotion,
Yeah, you have her pegged, she's told me time and time again that my opinion doesn't matter. Or if I ask why things need to be done a certain way the answer is "Because I said so". I even get "I don't need a reason" on some things!!

Exit stragedy?... I had a life planned with this woman, we have a child together and apparently another one on the way (Amazing how one time of sex can produce a child...) We almost NEVER have sex, and she accuses me of not wanting to. Not the case! We have to do it when and where...SHE wants. If I don't go to bed with her and 8:00PM...then I am to lave her alone when I climb into bed. Her sleep is more important than anything...after all, she needs to get up at 4:00AM to travel the 6.5 miles to work.... that doesn't official start until 8:00AM.....

Sounds like a rather poor attempt at gaslighting to me...



To me, that's a definite sign to start planning an exit strategy. I suggest really asking yourself why you want to remain with that woman, particularly as she appears to be quite uninterested in your opinions and concerns.



Though I'm usually an advocate for staying together if there are children involved, I suggest this: Ask yourself if your children will be better off being exposed to a situation like yours where the W obviously does not respect the H and apparently feels free to express that.

I guess I should have mentioned that after a fight and she takes the baby to another room, I often hear her telling him "Daddy's such an @sshole" and other such comments....


My sister said it best I think in this situation....
How many years do you want to waste wondering if it is a good time to leave?? Do you want to wake up an old, unhappy man wondering where your life has gone???

..You will be what - 38 in a few months.......how many more years are you going to waste away NOT living the life you want? This is not up to her, not up to me, it is your decision and you have to make it. Change is always hard, but sometimes it is for the best. Unfortunately, you don't have a lot of support in your life and sorry to say, that is your own fault. So start making some changes to prove yourself responsible. It will take time......but it will be worth it. Make a 5 year plan - what do you want your life to be like in 5 years? If you don't start working toward that plan now.....what will your life be like in 5 years....probably exactly the same (if not worse) than it is now so you have nothing to lose!

ThinkingOfMyKids

GQ2= General Questions II
you are posting in "Just found out" right now. You'll get more responses if you post your thread in the GQ2 section of this forum.

I think that your wife's behaviour is very disrespectfull. I'd "turn around" the situation and tell her that YOU want her to take a "Lie detector Test"!!

She will only be able to get away with her behaviour if you "don't set your boundaries".

bb

Ok, I'd like to stick a pin right there. It usually takes two to have a fight. I think that it's possible to choose by your own behaviour to avoid having a discussion or confrontation turn into a huge fight. It sounds to me like she's very good at "pushing your buttons". The thing is, it's up to you to decide if you want to her allow her to continue doing so. Perhaps its time to look at your behaviour and choose to act, not react, so confrontations do not escalate.



This is highly disrespectful of her, and falls in line with her other behaviour. Have you spoken to her about this? How have you approached the subject - by making demands that she stop, or by indicating how you feel when it occurs?

ThinkingOfMyKids..............my EX wife did the same thing to me.............accused me of cheating and stating that she hated cheaters all the time. She always threatened to leave me instantly if I cheated on her. I had numerous opportunities to have an affair and never did. Well, she was the one who actually HAD more than one affair.

I think the ones that always talk about hating cheaters and pushing off the blame are only covering up for wanting to (actually doing it) cheat.

Its a way for a cheater to make themselves feel better, and less guilty in some sick a$$ way. *rolls eyes*

I constantly tell her I refuse to argue/fight in front of the baby. I am VERY conscious of that!! Perhaps fight was too powerful a word in that post. When we talk, we disagree almost 90% of the time...on every subject.

When it does happen, after the baby is in another room or in bed. I ask her to please not do it in front of the baby. She says it's my fault. I'm the one pushing her buttons... I don't think I do though.

I've learned that one a while ago though. I refuse to continue when it happens in front of the baby. I simply walk away.

And now... as I walk away and don't say anything, she says I'm "remarkably calm for someone who thinks his wife cheated on him" So I must yet again be the guilty one...

You took the words right out of my mouth. And I've told her that repeatedly. Her reply is always the same. "If I wanted to cheat on you I've have your @ss removed first, and believe me, I've had PLENTY of opportunity to do it... but I'm not a cheater!"

Why tell me about all the opportunities? To make me feel special that she hasn't?

You took the words right out of my mouth. And I've told her that repeatedly. Her reply is always the same. "If I wanted to cheat on you I've have your @ss removed first, and believe me, I've had PLENTY of opportunity to do it... but I'm not a cheater!"

Why tell me about all the opportunities? To make me feel special that she hasn't?

It sounds like she's gaslighting you... You need to start snooping and become your own private investigator. Look up bluenote, he's really good at it! His thread is on GQ. Maybe he'll share some tips with you?)

I wouldn't doubt it if the baby isn't yours... insist on DNA when he/she is born.

The best defense is a good offense.

Based on her recent interactions with you, I think that she knows she's busted unless she can convince you that she thinks you gave it to her. I would definitely ask her to take a lie detector test and get a DNA test to make sure the child is yours.

I had a friend once who had that STD. She thought her husband cheated on her too. The doctor told her that she could have contracted it years ago during her single days- because hers was so bad. She'd never been tested for STD's before.

Something to think about.

Firstly, do you let her know what her behaviour means to YOU? I can understand why you don't want to have such behaviour exhibited in front of your child, but that's not all that concerns you, right?

Secondly, it sounds like she's not taking any responsibility for HER actions. Even if you are "pushing her buttons" (BTW - next time she claims that, ask her what is it that you're doing that causing that problem), she can CHOOSE to respond in a manner that's not highly disrespectful, just like you can CHOOSE to respond in a manner that does not cause the argument to escalate.

Unfortunately, IMO not taking responsibility for one's behaviour (i.e. always blaming it on "reactions" to something else) is another sign of a wayward-capable person. My FWW exhibited that a lot, and still exhibits it at times.



That's the thing - perhaps you should not just walk away without saying anything. Perhaps instead you should say WHY it is that you're choosing not to continue the conversation any further, and suggest that you may be open to talking about the topic again later when things have calmed down a bit.



That just sounds like more gaslighting, IMO. She's trying to make you feel even more guilty for feeling the way you do about her.

"Orchid" has some interesting threads on reverse-babble. Perhaps we need a thread on "reverse-gaslighting" too...

I can't do anything anymore.....
She had me arrested lastnight. under FALSE PRETENSES!!! I went home after work, didn't say a word to her, fixed my own dinner, went upstairs to notice ALL my clothes all over the bedroom floor.

Shortly after that the cops were knockign onthe door, they took me away saying I threatened her life, told her I would kidnap my son, and that I back handed her, and pushed her into a door.

LIES! LIES! LIES!!!

Now... I can't go home, restraining order, can't contact her in any way DON'T WANT TO!!! Can't get my mail, and can't go anywhere she goes within 1000 yards.

At my arraignment this morning I had 3 Class A Misdemeaors against me. 1 simple assault on her 2 simple assualt on the unborn child 3 criminal threatening.

ALL BOGUS!!!


And here's the part I really enjoy... I can't do ANYTHING about seeing my son until after my court date. 12/13/07
That's 10 weeks!!!! Thus is not right at all.

I have no address anymore so I have to wait and call tomorrow to find out if I qualify for a court appointed attorney.... she was the bread winner of the family... and she's taken everything out of the joint accounts already.

OH yeah.... when i got to work today (after 12:00) I had an email from her...

"Sorry for the way things turned out last night, I just wanted you to leave quietly"

WTF is that?!?!?!! Except for a ploy to get me to reply. She knows I can't. I WANT TO...to say if you wanted me gone quietly why didn't you just leave me alone and let me finish packing????


She's so full of sh*t!

I'm starting to think that all this is a way for her to look good in her parents eyes when the baby comes out and it's not mine, if I'm already out of her life, they will never know it's not mine.

Coniving B*tch!!