There have been a few "really bad news'" threads here in the past few weeks and it has made me think about fear.

I have seen my worst fears experienced by some folks here and am wondering what we all still fear, even those of us who consider ourselves recovered.

I fear learning some horrible thing from the FWH's past that will make it impossible for me to remain with him.

I fear (for no reason) that he still has secret email accounts or even an affair phone.

I fear that years down the road, when I have reached the point of trusting him, he will again betray me.

I have to state that I have no reason to think any of these fears are in any way valid, and most of the time I don't fear them.

But sometimes I read things here that bring those fears to the forefront of my mind and I wonder what I would do "if it were happening to me."

Who

My biggest fear isn't another affair, it's that I might be worn down enough to start to tolerate them.

I fear that my FWH will never invest in ME, not just the M.

I fear that I will 'tolerate' this and stay, for our son's sake ALONE. (which, obviously, would be a choice that I make--but it's still scary)

I'm sure there are more ,but these TOP the list right now.

I'm reading Bobpure's post on the recovery thread, and his initial post is how I feel now, and I fear, I will keep investing, and will STILL feel this way LATER...

WM... I do see a lot of people in fear on these boards...obviously the fears are grounded in reality...frankly, after reading RLT's thread, i am sure that quite a few that felt they were in recovered marriages would wonder what secrets are still lurking. Still others are afraid to ask. One thing I see here is many BS that have been so worn down by their abusive fws that they are afraid to set reasonable boundaries in their lives.

Look at the difference between a good woman like MrsW and the WH in the above mentioned situation. Mrs. W would welcome....actually WELCOME the opportunity to make her BH feel better. Any FWS that does not have that mentality is in fact...NOT a former anything. Continued abuse by a WS ... a relationship that was built on lies and thrives on secrets, isolation, deception and re-direction is not worth an effort IMO. Too many people get sucked dry and deal with the hurt year after year...even go through sham vow renewals...and keep coming back for more.

My only fear on these boards is watching good people get dragged down by these monsters. Do good people make bad mistakes....yes...but they learn from them and do not continue abusing those that supposedly love year after year. Cutting the ties with these abusers until they have proven themselves is the best thing these spouses could do. How many second chances does one person deserve before the BS finally realizes that there is just a fundamental lack of character in their spouse? When does support for a M on these boards become enabling a harmful relationship??? I have seen that line crossed before on here. I am certain I will see it again.

I've already faced and lived through my worst fears.

Nothing scares me now.

I'm afraid of:

1.) Being alone.

2.) Not being able to trust or find a man that I love and who will love me in return.

3.) That I will never "get over" my WH and that will prevent me from being satisfied with anyone else.

4.) That my WH will never understand how deeply or profoundly he hurt me or the damage that he may have inflicted on our children by forcing them to grow up in a "fatherless" home.

5.) Ending up bitter over this whole situation.

6.) Going through this again with my WH if he returns -OR- with a new husband should I ever find one.


God forbid that any of this actually happens.

Honestly, I no longer have any fears about the infidelity issues. We came through it, it's over and we have recovered. I had no idea how to handle it when it happened and I had no tools until I came here.

Now I have them. I watch for stress cracks in our relationship and we work on them. I hope it never happens again but I don't live in any fear of it.

IF he did it again I know exactly what I would do. An stealth snoop, mass exposure and then an absolute plan D. For myself, there is no way that I would ever ALLOW that kind of repeated assault on me or my children. It's one thing to allow yourself to be hurt over and over again, but I won't ever put my kids through it again. It would be painful but it would be over.

Just my 2 cents.

Ditto most of the above and some.

I fear i have put all this effort into my M and that my FWH will leave me anyway.

I fear he still is in contact with the OW.

I fear that he will do it again in the future.

I fear that i will stay again also for my kids sake and the heck with my feelings.

Who,

One of my biggest fears as it relates to this board is that advice that I might give would lead to someone seeking my advice making the wrong choice and either:

1) Giving up on a marriage that not only is one that might be saved but that they would resent losing if they gave up.

2) Working ever harder to break through to an actively wayward spouse while ignoring their own needs and end up with continued pain in the future over what they chose because of my input.

As far as things of past affairs, my only fear would be that I find out something years from now that would have been the deciding factor that might have pushed me into Plan D rather than Plan A at the time. Though I can't imagine what that would be, I know it might be possible for something like that to happen.

And like SOT said above...I KNOW that there will never be another recovery. If one is required, it will be personal and not recovery of the marriage. If it happens again, there will be no other recourse, since having the tools and knowing how to prevent a recurrence and failing to prevent it will be something that will spell the end for our marriage.

Another affair and all that will be left will be Plan D. While I don't fear it, I have already made that decision so I don't have to make it then.

Mark

I have decided to get a divorce after being in recovery for over 2 years. I've decided it's not in me to get through it, maybe because my marriage was in its infincy, maybe because I can't respect my H, maybe because too much damage but I my fears are:

1) That I'll wind up with another jerk;
2) I'll get into a new R and it isn't all that;
3) A new R will cause me to relive all this again;
4) My H will move on and will be happier than me - man, that's a stupid one, but it's still a realfear;
5) I'll see him out with another W and I'll have regrets.

I look at these fears and wonder why I've decided to get the divorce. Of course I know why, my H isn't one to be trusted, both emotionally or financially. I have to move on before he drags me down with him. But it causes me to wonder...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, these are some of mine.

Notyet and SaraLynn,

You both could have read my mind. Those are EXACTLY, pretty much word for word, what I fear too! Every single thing you both wrote!

And no, it's not stupid about H moving on and being happier than you. I D'd a few months back, ExH is still living with OW, I think he is happy, and that still hurts me, as I'm the one that's miserable, never asked for this to happen, yet he got what he wanted.

Thanks everyone. You have all confirmed that in varying degrees, we BS all share the same fears. I am still hoping that we get a few responses from FWS. I am wondering if their fears differ from BS and if they all have somewhat similar fears.

I shouldn't speak for Skirmisher, but I think if he had to express one fear, it would be that I would change my mind and decide to divorce him even now after all of this time.

Who

As a FWS my biggest fear use to be that my DH would decide he just couldn't do this (rebuilding) and even after quite a bit of time passed decide to leave me.

I don't have that fear any longer because I decided I can't worry about things I cannot control. All I can do is be 100% honest and upfront about everything, thus showing him I am NOT the person I was when I had an A, and meet his needs to the best of my ability. If for some reason, some day, that isn't enough for him, I can say I did my best and I will have to accept the consequences.

LC

Okay, here I come, a FWS trying as best I can to lend words to my fears...

1. That Mr. W may not really know how sorry that I am...That he may even have the slightest "wonder" if I've told him everything...I think he knows, but I'm realistic enough to understand if he sometimes fears this...

2. I am TERRIFIED of becoming the BS...Probably an irrational fear, based on how much Mr. W and myself believe in MB and affair proofing our marriage...But the fear still remains, rational or not...I have nightmares about this...In fact, I woke myself up this morning wimpering over a really horrible one...

3. That our dd was in some way irreparably damaged by my being such a HORRIBLE mother during the affair...

4. And of course, as Who suggested, I fear Mr. W divorcing me-the loss of him...and the damage that would be done to our DD in a divorce...ALL because of MY poor choices...

Those are the first fears that come to mind anyway...there are probably more if I really dig deep-but DANG, that is SCARY...

Mrs. W

P.S. Thank you to MEDC for the kind words spoken of me on this thread...very appreciated friend! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Don't mean to TJ, but....

Catgirl,

I understand your anger over being forced into a horrible situation that you have no control over. I feel the same way. It is the hardest thing about this situation in my opinion.

I always think that if I could somehow explain how wrong or hurtful my WH has been, that he would have an "ah ha!" moment and turn around.

However, the most difficult thing to realize is that sometimes no matter what we do (whether it's good or bad) to our WH's, they may never come to understand or make amends for what they've done.

That's why we are told to just "move on" with our own lives. As hard as this is to hear, it's really the only thing we can do. I don't like it anymore than you do, but it's our reality now and we have to face it. Holding on to anger and resentment toward our WH will not lessen the hurt. It only seems to generate more and keep us from getting past this awful time in our lives.

I will pray for you and me both that we can get to a place where we can have peace over what's happened. That's the only way we will be able get over the betrayal we've experienced.

Sara

you know it's funny Mrs. W...but I feel like I should thank you. Even though you are a FWW, it is people like you that make it worth the effort to come to this site. People like you make it readily apparent that some marriages can and should be saved. I am in awe of the way that you have owned every one of your actions and are willing to do anything to prove yourself to be the wife Mr. W knew you were all along.
While the Harley's have a great plan here...it would mean nothing without the type of effort that you have given to your recovery...a BS cannot do it alone.
BobP has a tool kit on here somewhere....IMHO, there should be a Mrs. W toolkit for FWS that give them a handle on what they can do to better the life of the one person/family that they put through the wringer.
While everyone makes mistakes...it is the very few that are able to rise to the occasion and do everything they can to make things right.
So, thank you.

I have most of the typical fears already presented. Some of the big ones for me that were already presente are:

1 - Fear of never knowing the full truth of what went on in the A's (and any unreveled A's)...that I accepted crumbs of truth in my desire to save the M...that my STBXWW played me for a chump.

2 - Fear of STBXWW being happier than me post-divorce.

3 - Fear that I will never get past my unresolved feelings from this M.


Some other major fears that I have are:

4 - Fear that through some legal maneuvers by my STBXWW, that I will lose more time with my children.

5 - Fear that I will never be able to truly give 100% of myself to another person other than my children.

6 - Fear that my experiences with A's and Divorce will somehow lessen my character/boundraries so that I become succeptible to destroying a future relationship.

Thanks,

LoBoy

Mrs. W,

I have to admit your list surprises me just a tad, especially the first 2.

LC

*GULP* *MAJOR BLUSH* Thank you SO much MEDC!!! Hey, is it bad that I just let you meet my EN for admiration? Don't worry, I told Mr. W! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

I'm afraid of:

1.) That I discover that I really did make all the irreparable mistakes and if it weren't for me, he would still be at home.

2.) That my WH will never understand how deeply or profoundly he hurt me or the damage he has caused our family. Or that he had a part in this situation and it wasn't all my doing.

3.) That my WH won't give me a second chance to make this right with him. That he stays in a sick situation and ends up dying because of his selfishness and destruction.

4.) That G-d blessed me with the one and only man that I could ever love and he won't bless me again.

5.) That my children will end up mad at me because I wasn't a parent wife and mother before it was too late.

Skinsgal